I can't take this.
There's no point to my existence.
Useless.

Did you think I was kidding when I said I wanted to die?
And you thought it was due to some silly guy.
No. It's more than that.
No matter what I do I just drive everyone away and make them mad.
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment and thorn in your side.
I'm sorry for all the times I let you down and when I lied.

I'm sorry if you're sad when I'm gone but trust me, soon you'll be relieved.

He's fire-
With flames ever soaring,
My heart they're engulfing-
Destroy everything around.
He burns me away
And I love the pain.
I scream and the fire swallows it down.
He devours me whole
And scorches my soul.
God it hurts-
But I want more.

You're the rain.
I ride out your storms
Because inside I'm torn
On whether or not I should stay.
When it burns and I'm all dried out and alone
You send me a shower of love and of home.
Sometimes you trickle down softly,
So comforting,
But sometimes you leave me with a drought
and I'm prone to fire.
When you're gone too long I build my funeral pyre.

I love the rain but I'm enchanted by flames.
One soothes and washes away the pain,
The other will **** me-
I'm sure of this.
But the burning is such awful bliss.

Turn me to ash and I'll smile as I fade away into nothing,
Yet I complain to you that I'm drowning.
This is what I wanted.
To be quenched.
But I'm a pyro and I'm making a habit of it.

God bring me a storm and I'll dance in it.
Love, rain once again and I'll get my hair wet.
Because I don't need fire, it's dangerous.
But I love the rain for all its nourishment.

You don't love someone if you can leave them for days without warning.
You don't love someone if your happiness means more to you than theirs.
You don't love someone if you can lie straight to their face and not feel the slightest bit guilty.
You don't love someone if seeing them cry doesn't shred your heart to pieces.
You don't love someone if you get angry at them for being upset and they don't open up to you right away.
You don't love someone if you make them feel guilty for things that are out of their control.
You don't love someone if falling asleep to their voice isn't the most comforting thing to you.
You don't love someone if their laugh isn't your favorite sound.
You don't love someone if when you look into their eyes, you see a reflection of yourself.
You don't love someone if when you kiss them, your mind doesn't go completely fuzzy and you can still remember your name.
You don't love someone if being in their arms doesn't feel like home
You don't love someone if you allow your friends to talk badly about them and you agree.
You don't love someone if just hearing their name doesn't make you smile.
You don't love someone if making them happy isn't one of your top priorities.
You don't love someone if you can admit that they love you more.


    

                                    B.S.

colour and crashes
big eyes and lashes
this is you in mourning.

white latex gloves
white flying doves
this is you today.

careful breathes
careless lefts
this is you without.

bright flowy skirt
a smile that can flirt
this is you with him.

big perfect grin
crying over him
this is you at your finest.

smoke in the air
thick curly hair
this is you and me.

My thoughts frizz and sizzle away incoherently
Killed too soon by my anxiety.
You asked what's wrong with me
And thought I was exaggerating when I said everything.

Write. Write it down- make it rhyme.
That'll clear my mind
Stop the darkness from clawing it's way outside.
Make a list- that's what she makes me do.
Make lists for everything from weekly chores to properly cleaning each room.
Lists lists lists lists lists.
I can't take this.

Anxiety. That's something wrong with me.
Why right now I'm crying in fetal position shaking violently.
Introversion. I'm scared of my own voice- though I've been taught it's a voice that's wrong and insignificant-
I'm scared of it.
Weakness. I can't stand up for myself
Protect myself from this awful hell.
I can't be good enough.
Never good enough.

You said this was the end forever.
You promised me this would be better.
You swore you wouldn't become a stranger.
Before you left you kissed me twice and the second time you lingered.

But in all the days since,
I've not gotten a single look, a word, a kiss.
You've replaced me with an empty distance.
I wish you would've said yes when I asked if I'd be missed.

You held me to make the panic attacks go away.
You sat down beside me when I begged for a few more minutes you'd stay.
You said leaving me wasn't easy-
But now I'm dead to you today.

You said this wasn't the end.
That even though you were leaving you'd be back again.
That even if I wasn't yours I could still be your best friend.
I should've known your words were just pretend.

They're right, it's me.
I'm my own worst enemy.
It's all my fault- I'm the problem,
Or at least the root of all of them.
If I could just live up to their expectations they wouldn't treat me this way.
If I weren't so needy someone would want to stay.
I was being selfish trying to run away.
No they're right, they're right.
If only I could sink into the night...
I'll never have anyone.
Never succeed at anything.
I'm a failure and a ****-up and that's all I'll ever be.
It was wrong of me to blame them,
It's probably just me being crazy again.
I'll never be free
Because I can't support myself financially-
In this ******* economy no one is hiring.
Losing this life will mean nothing to me,
It's not mine after all- no, not really.
It's theirs.
They make my decisions, decide where I go.
Dictate how I should appear and who I should know.
Change my hair and style and wear warm-weather clothes so the scars do not show.
Please don't be mad at me for letting it go
A girl can't survive deprived of hope and alone.