i want to be
where you are

in your city
with the lights blurring past
as we ride in the car
going somewhere, anywhere
to your favorite restaurants
or to a concert of a band we both love
it really doesn't matter
as long as i'm with you

i want to hold your hand
and smell the scent
of your cologne
to se you smile back at me
to hear your laugh
to hear our laughs combine
and create a song
all of its own

i want to be
where my heart is:
with you.

you're asleep and i'm sad
wanted to stay up all night
and talk with you
about your day
and why the sky is blue

everything is so easy with us
our words flow back and forth steadily
like the gliding of a ship
atop a calm sea

when i feel broken
you mend me with your words
when i have nothing to say
you effortlessly occupy the silence

you fill this gap inside me
in a way that makes me forget
i was ever incomplete

i'd tell you all of this,
but you're asleep

maybe i don't eat
because i want my skin
to be transparent
i want people to see me
for who i truly am
i hope to one day
wither away
until i am nothing,
until i am just a pile of bones


                                                                ­                        maybe then
                                                            ­                            you'll notice me

it feels as if
i'm the one
always chasing
after someone

my lungs are burning
and my heart is tired
i want to collapse
and loll here forever

let the flowers
bloom all around me
as i leave an imprint
in the grass

maybe someone
will gaze upon the blossoms
and mistake me for a lily

i want to know you at 3am
or on a wednesday afternoon

to know your dreams,
to be your thoughts
and explore the other side
of your crescent moon

maybe i just like
the mystery of you,
but i'm hoping you like
the mystery of me, too

this feeling of ecstasy,
it blooms inside of me

sparks like fireworks
spread throughout my limbs
my hands quiver
and my heart quickens

i want to run
through endless fields
and shout into the emptiness

because all of the sudden,
i am not invisible

it will tear away
your skin
     gnaw on
your bones
     and set your
soul aflame

this hatred
     inside of you
will spread
     until you are
consumed
     in a fiery rage
that should've been
     extinguished
at its first spark

     who will
come along
     and save you?

who will
     smother
          your soul?

i worry about you
(more than you know)
i see the decisions you make
(all the things you've done
that you'll soon see were mistakes)

do you know who you are?
(i don't think you do)
you're boundlessly wandering,
trying to find something (anything)
to mask your pain

i know
you know
that how you're living
will never quench
your thirst

i know
(deep down)
your soul is pleading,
"please, someone save me
from myself."

it's not about
ninety-nine cent cards
from the dollar store,
or milk chocolate
in the shape of a heart

it's not about
feeling bad for yourself
because you're single
or going out
to an expensive dinner

it's not about
how many bouquets
or "happy valentine's day"
text messages you receive

love is beautiful,
it is forbearing and selfless,
it is not bitter or rude,
it is modest and humble


so even if you think today
was created by hallmark
to sell more cards

why not show love
to someone
you care about?
or even to
a complete stranger

you don't have to have
a boyfriend or girlfriend
or husband or wife
or "significant other"
to celebrate today

because everyday
is a wonderful day
to love someone

what do you do
when you love someone
and you're bursting
to let them know

but you van't
because it's destructive
it's no good for you
and it's no good for me

i can't let go of it
i love you today
and tomorrow
and i love you
past any thought
i could think up

it's wrong though
because you aren't right
you blemish my heart
and leave me with bruises
that will never fade

so what do i do?
because i can't stop
loving you

tears are forming in my eyes
because all i can think about
are my bare bedroom walls,
naked and dull
and how when i embraced you
and told you i loved you,
you didn't say it back

it feels like i'm standing
on the edge of a cliff
next to a calm sea
and at any moment
i could slip into the blue abyss

quietly, the water would
burden my lungs
and with my last breath,
i would whisper
"tomorrow will be better."

i don't want to sleep
because i don't want to wake up
and be the same person

i feel ugly, repulsive, disgusting
your words were like venom
and i spit them right back

this hatred is controlling me
and i don't want it to,
i don't want to be like this

i fear that things
will never be okay with us,
i fear that i really am the problem

sometimes i think about
how you woke up this morning
and brushed your teeth

i wonder how you like your coffee,
and if you read the newspaper

why am i wasting my time
letting all these people
that don't really matter
break my heart

when you're out there somewhere,
living your life
and wondering where i am

i know you're out there
and you're waiting for me too

there are good types
of feeling small

like when you're in a big city
with tall buildings
and throngs of strangers
surrounding you,
painted with possibility

or when you're wrapped up
in someone's arms
and that person
feels so massive
and you feel so little
and protected
and safe

but this sensation
of small,
this feeling of
insignificance,
like an ant
that could be squished
and no one would care

is not
a good feeling

i don't want a rarity
a full moon that only floats
in your midnight sky
once a month

nighttime feels so open,
you shout things
you'd never whisper
in the daylight
and let go of the fear
that surfaces with the sun

i think i'll break all your clocks
at twelve in the morning
to immortalize
our candid midnights,
so that your worries
will never rise

everyone individual
is so intricate,
yet we rush to peg them,
to label them,
to tell them who they are

if someone were to draw me,
i think they'd draw an outline
of my arms and legs
and form my lips
into a sweet smile

but if i were to draw myself,
i would darken the inner parts
of the outline with squiggles
and place a thousand different
expressions on my face

the more i meet people
and flip them inside out
to run my fingers along
the cracks of their beating heart,
the more i realize that
no one really is
"normal"

i should be glad
that you've moved on

that someone has filled
the spaces inside of you
i left vacant

that someone
will make you happy
in ways that i couldn't

that you're no longer
tormented by the aching
that i will never be yours

but i'm not
because i had a box
beneath my bed
in the shape of a heart
where yours was stored

i checked it today
and all that was left
was a note that read
"i now belong to someone else."

there once was a young girl with green eyes
who wore her soft blond hair
in braided pigtails

at the age of seven,
she watched her older sister
stand in front of the mirror before school
and pinch her stomach with a disgusted face
          neither of them ate breakfast that morning

at the age of nine,
she watched her older brother
make fun of a girl with glasses
for reading on the bus
          she went home and hid all her books in the attic

at the age of twelve,
she watched the older girls at school
with straight hair and short skirts
put makeup on in the bathroom
and discuss how boys would only like you
if you looked perfect, like them
          the next day she arrived with red lips, short shorts, and no braided pigtails

at the age of fourteen,
she watched her father hit her mother for the first time
her mother cried when she saw her standing in the doorway
and told her daddy didn't mean it
          the next year, she told herself that her boyfriend didn't mean it, either

at the age of sixteen,
she was paper thin and empty
with straight blond hair, red lips,
purple flesh, and lifeless green eyes
          while staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror,
          she thought to herself "at least i'm normal."

i never have to trim my nails
because of the anxiety that
has made itself at home
in the pit of my stomach

while tapping my feet,
i watch the clock slowly tick
and the breath in my lungs feels
thick and coated with doubt

but soon,
my time will come
and my eager feet
will carry me to a place where
hope fills my lungs and
i'll breathe with ease

because eventually,
everything is going
to work itself out

everything
will always be okay in the end
if you allow it to be

metal redolent
fingertips decorate my
thighs with beautiful
scarlet stripes; your words
have left a signature that
stings on my delicate flesh

you can either
keep yourself up at night
wondering
          "why me?"
you can hide under your covers
and tell everyone
you're wrong and you'll
never be right

or you can see all this
          heartbreak
          pain
          conflict
          imperfection
as an opportunity
to emerge from the concealed depths
to the gleaming luminescence
and become stronger

it is your choice to decide
whether to drown in your troubles
or to courageously survive

because the harder the struggle
the more spirited you become in the end
         "the deeper the mud
         the more beautiful the lotus blooms"

thank you
for introducing me
to good music

whenever i listen
to ernest greene
i think of you
and it's not sad,
it's not me missing you
or wishing things
were like they used to be

the thoughts
that are attached
to those songs
are happy
because i'm happy
i met you
even if now
we only speak
from time to time

you'll always be
a happy memory
and those are rare
to come by

tonight i miss you
more than usual
because i'm thinking
of all the times we stayed up late
and whispered hello to each other
through the darkness
and i had to stifle my giggles
beneath the covers

eventually we'd both grow tired
and you'd sing me to rest

listening to your voice
while i fell asleep
was the closest i'd ever come to happiness
your melodies echoed through
my dreams and they still bounce
off my walls on nights like these

i've recently come
to the heart-shattering conclusion
that i do not
and never did
love you

i only loved
how you made me feel
on lonely nights

you behaved as if i put
the starts in the sky
the leaves on trees
the petals on roses
the fish in the sea

i loved it when you told me
you'd always be there

you lied when you said
you'd never let go of my hand,
and i lied when i told you
my hand was only made for yours to hold

because here i am,
without you by my side
and i think i'm going to be okay

i think i always knew
you'd eventually let go

i feel trapped inside of my feverish skin
and i wish i could escape it,
because i don't want to be myself today

i don't know why i'm so different,
why i feel so lonely and tired of living

yesterday, i was so happy and hopeful,
inspired and alive
i lit candles and sang along to the radio
and grinned and felt completely intact
but today, i'm in pieces
i feel hollow and meaningless
i don't get why my feelings change so quickly

it's like once i've wrapped my arms
around them, the wind picks them up
and carries them away, leaving me
with a heart full of unfamiliar emotions

i don't understand,
i just wish
i could figure myself out
sometimes

keep your mind
on a tight leash
because if you let
your thoughts wander
they may end up in the clouds
where your hopes
are in the perfect position
to tragically fall

no matter what i do,
i will never be good enough
for you

people tell me not to care,
that i just need to be tough,
but that isn't fair

because how do you stop caring?
it's not like pain
is a switch i can just turn off

you keep hurting me
and i need to learn that
maybe without you, i'm better off

sometimes,
i get this weird sensation
where it feels like
i've known you forever

i miss you
even though
i've never had you
by my side

and i have these
pretend memories
of us together

they all seem so real,
even though
i know they're not

but hopefully
they will be,
one day

there's something
entrancing about you,
i hear melodies like honey
when you enter my mind

you make me smile
even when
the rain is falling
and i think i could
make you happy, too

the two of us together
could be as beautiful as
the setting sun

but of course
the wicked reality is
we'll never get
the chance

when i asked you
why you're so sweet
and you replied

"because i like your smile,
you wear it so well
and if i can help with you smiling
then the world is a better place"

you stole the air from my lungs
in a pure and tragic manner

because one,
nobody
has ever been
so genuinely kind to me
i wish i could make you feel
as special as you make
me feel

and two,
i instantly thought
of my future
and it hurt my heart
because i'm almost certain
you won't be there

i'm told that heaven
is a city made of gold
with pearly gates
and brilliant light,
but i couldn't care less
if it's crystal clear
or blanketed with fog

i just hope
heaven is a place
where i can kiss your soul,
capture a clip
of that radiant smile
and play it back in the sky
forever

i'm a scared little girl
with a low self esteem,
but i know You're there
standing right beside me

help me conquer
my countless fears
and allow You to wipe
my worry-filled tears

because holding on
to all my burdens
is such a heavy load

i know i need You,
i know i need
to just let go

it's a beautiful day today

my favorite weather
is when the sun
tenderly kisses my cheeks
and freckled shoulders

i see kids carelessly riding their bikes
and wind breezing
through the branches of tall trees
and i think of you

i think of how it would be
to lay in the middle of a soft green field
with our arms touching
and your hand holding mine

i wonder what animal you'd say
the clouds look like
and if you'd pick a flower
to place behind my ear
and look into my eyes
to tell me i'm more breathtaking
than any daisy
that has ever been quenched by summer rain

i think about you a lot,
and i know today
would be even more beautiful
with you by my side

my heart
was in chains
my eyelids
heavy
my knees
weak

but You painted
my soul
with grace

You took my
burdens
and draped them
upon Yourself,
spread Your arms
wide
and said
"i love you
this much"

You took my pain
You immersed me
in love
You continue
to guard my path

You
have set
me free

his heart was full of depth,
but he chose to let it hide
and masked his pain with pills
and smokes and jokes and lies