hope is beautiful
and can be destructive
at the same time
it keeps us hanging on,
but sometimes
for things
that will never come

i asked
what you would wish for
if a genie
granted you three wishes

and none of your wishes
had anything to do
with me

i’ve never known
something so fragile

i hold whatever this is
(you and i)
carefully,
with both hands

like glass,
it could shatter

the pieces
scattered

while i tiptoe
around the sharp fragments

trying to not let them
hurt me

like snow,
it melts

when the sun
comes up

to heat
the ground

and every time
i wish it’d stay

i hope my heart
will not become
like broken glass

i hope,
unlike snow
on a warm winter day,
you will decide
to never leave me

(as) i’ve begun to learn
who you are, and how (deep)
your soul is,
(as) i’ve begun to notice
how perfect you are for me,
each hour i long for (the) moment
where i may finally be by your side

like the blueness of the (ocean is) constant,
so are the thoughts (between) each second
that possess your name

i cannot think of a world
where an (us) does not exist
because i’ve become (so) attached
to the idea of always being yours

(is) it bad? is it good?
that (my) heart is forever set on you?
sometimes it’s difficult to tell

i (love) days like today
when the sun is out
and my mind is clear like the sky,
i just wish you were here
to enjoy it

i will wait however long it takes
(for) that day to come
because i’ve never known anyone
as breathtaking as (you)

i’m the kind of girl
who leaves dying flowers on my desk
because i can still find beauty
in the withering petals

i hope you’re the type of boy
who will remind me
to put water
in the vase

i want to ask you about your past,
but at the same time i don’t
because my stomach becomes
more knotted than my hair
after a long windy day at the beach
when thinking of a you
before me

i try to keep my mind from drifting
to the image of you holding her hand
and gazing into her eyes,
thinking about how her smile
is the reason
you smile

it hurts imagining
there was anyone before me
and i’m sorry,
because i know how unfair that is

i guess i’m just afraid
there was something in her
you’ll notice is lacking
in me

i want to take the bits of you i love
and press them like flowers
between the pages of my favorite book

and i want to take all the scraps
that you dislike in yourself
and display them on my refrigerator
to show you i’m still proud
of the person you are
and the person you are becoming

but most of all, i want to spin you like a globe
and drag my finger across till it stops
to discover the pieces of you
that you’ve yet to reveal to anyone else

i want to wrap them up in linen
and place them in an old cigar box,
i’d tuck it away safely
in the top drawer of my bedside table,
so you know i’ll never let
those pieces of you go

because when you share
hidden parts of yourself
with someone else,
you’re trusting that person
to hold the secret sections
of your heart
and to love the bits
you thought
were unlovable

Lord,
i pray to You
with a heavy heart
and brittle bones

please let confidence
unfold like flowers
that sprout between my ribs

please take the butterflies
out of my stomach
because they crowd it
and make me sick

please fill my mind with the knowledge
that Your love is stronger than
all of the hate that fills the earth

please inscribe on my flesh
that You have a perfect plan for me,
and with You i can conquer
all of my doubts, all of my worries

please never let me forget
what You have done for me

please hold my hand
while on this wearisome journey
and allow me to find life in You

i think if we pressed our thumbs
on little ink pads
and left our fingerprints
on an unmarked page
side by side
they would look like
a lock and key
the swirls of mine
would fit perfectly in yours
much like i imagine
i would fit
in the comfort
of your
arms

i think the reason
we have such dark, 
worrisome thoughts at night 
is because the empty silence 
found right before sleep 
allows room for anxiety
to creep in and fill the spaces 
between the floorboards 
and peeling wallpaper 
of our bedrooms

that may be why 
when i haven’t spoken to you
in awhile, i forget 
all the good mornings
and five page letters
filled with words
that make my heart melt
like candle wax

i allow doubt to dwell in my soul, 
along with thoughts
like how pitiful it is 
for me to be vacant 
because you’re not here
to occupy my confidence
and reassure me that
time nor interval
will change
how you feel

i didn’t know it was possible
to lay in bed shaking with sorrow
and still be able to genuinely smile
through the silent tears falling down my face

my eyes were finally opened
to what honest-to-goodness love is
when i knew i couldn’t be selfish with you,
because although my bones ache for us to work,
i want to put your heart before mine

it’s difficult coming to the realization
that you’re just a step in the right direction
and not my journey’s end

you’d expect this to hurt
and it does,
i’m still wiping away
the sadness from my eyes

but it’s okay,
the hurting is helping
because i know i grow in pain

there’s no doubt in my mind
that you loved me with your whole heart,
you painted a picture on my soul
that depicts how i deserve to be treated

i’m not bitter
because i know through all of this
i’m coming out better

instead of pursuing the difficult,
yet beautiful bundle of perfection
we once held, you and i chose
to fall apart and plunge into separate depths

although you’ve decided to run north
while i’m patiently waiting in the east
for this torment to run its course,
i know that our love
was real and true and pure

love is selfless and kind,
and whilst i wish i could grab your hand
and beg you to never let me go,
i’m allowing the pain that comes with love lost
to scrape my heart and strengthen my soul

my eyes are set on heavenly things
and captivated by an eternal outlook:
i know i am becoming stronger
so that i may have more endurance
for future suffering

i know you didn’t give up on me
nor did i give up on you,
instead i’m choosing to love you
by letting you go

i have a consuming desire to know everyone

when i peer out the car window
and look upwards to see a plane
leaving a vapor trail across the pink
and purple blended sky,
i can’t help but let my mind bloom
with thoughts of who is up there

i wish i could go through the isles,
sit down next to each passenger
and watch their eyes light up
or become watery, or both,
as they tell me their story

i want to know where they’re going
where they’re coming from
i want to know their favorite moments
what cheers them up on bad days
their thoughts before sleep
what their “one day” dreams are
i want to know what breaks their heart
and what puts a smile on their face

i want to know them inside and out
because i fully believe
that at the core of each individual
there is beauty

some choose to let it radiate outwardly,
some are too afraid to let it shine

so many people don’t know they’re beautiful,
and maybe that’s the reason
i wish i could cross paths with the whole world

i wish i could show everyone
how beautiful
they truly are

your words were so lovely
that i never once doubted them,
i couldn’t hear the emptiness
or read into the sugar coated lies
masquerading as sincere promises

i wrote them in cursive
and dotted the i’s with little hearts,
counting on the vows to hold weight

but when i finally tested them
by throwing your “forevers” into the ocean,
they did not sink to the bottom,
instead they floated right on the surface

your guarantees
were like funhouse mirrors,
i ran in one direction
thinking it was leading me
to where i needed to be,
but i came to a dead end,
trapped and broken hearted
with your voice echoing somewhere
“i cannot mend it”

i will not let my journal
turn into pitiful pages
filled with only your name

i will carry on,
bruised by your half-truths
and with eyes full of hope,
nevertheless

even with my heart
broken into
seven hundred
sixty-four thousand pieces,
somehow i still manage
to love you

i love you
i love you
i love you
and i’ll never stop loving you,
i couldn’t even if i tried

you’ve taken all of me,
scrubbed the dirt from my flesh
and replaced it with rose petals
and i love you, i love you, i love you

thank you for making me feel beautiful
for the first time in a long time

how do you expect me
to believe i deserve better
when you’re the one proving
that i’m not worth fighting for

and don’t you even dare say
“it’s not you, it’s me”
because i know one day
you will meet a girl
and her eyes will shine like diamonds
and your heart will always
ache to be next to her
and you will do whatever it takes
to have her, no matter what
you will overcome every obstacle
to ensure that she is forever yours

so don’t even try to feed me lies like
“you are good enough”
when you’re completely contradicting that
by leaving me here broken and alone

thirty eight days
twenty poems
and an embarrassing amount
of doodled hearts later,
the reality of you not being my one
has finally begun to set in

it’s been one week
of trying to get over you
and i still cried last night
and i will probably cry again
but not forever
because i know that i know that i know
that i deserve so much better

i deserve
someone who will think
my eyes shine like diamonds
and whose heart will always
ache to be next to me
and who will do whatever it takes
to have me, no matter what
someone who will overcome every obstacle
to ensure that i am forever his

and this will be
my last poem about you
and tomorrow will be day one
of erasing your name from my heart
and it’s going to sting
because i really was hoping
you’d stay

but no
i now see that you
are not my one
you are only one step
in the right direction

you are bright eyes
masking gray storm clouds
in your mind
and a heart too big
for the cavity of sadness
that confines it

and you are a bird
trying so desperately
to keep flying
in the pouring rain

♦ ♦

i am the hands
that long to caress your gentle face
and an autumn breeze
seeking to whisk away
your worries

and i am just a girl
praying for a thunderstorm
so that you may have
endless clear skies

there is something
inexpressibly beautiful
about the world
          when the sun begins to rise
and fill the dim sky
with soft rays of light
          and only the birds are awake
to sing to you “good morning”
while everyone else
          is curled up in their beds
unaware of the magnificence
they’re missing
          and everything feels so simple
it’s as if six a.m. is an epiphany
that sparks at your fingertips
          and spreads until
you are encompassed entirely
by a feeling of clarity
          there is something
inexpressibly beautiful
about being awake to behold
          the splendor of this world
while everyone else
is still asleep