Doctors and nurses
shove results down my throat
while parents and friends
wear sympathy as a coat.

I don't want your apologies.
They do me no good.
Believe if they did
I'd accept them,
I would.

It just doesn't work
with so much pain and ache.
An "I'm sorry"
cannot fix
such a serious break.

I know you feel bad.
I know you can't do much
but please please please
don't say that I should
embrace this crutch.

Feels like your guts are rotting and brain is eating its way out of your skull as you attempt to erase all true things about yourself from society.

The world is a box of crayons
all are equal in importance yet we
still say the lighter shades are better?
Some seem to disagree including myself.
The most beautiful pictures are
of oceans, of the night,
where the dark shades are not just
used but embraced. What's even
better is the masterpiece of a rainbow.
Everything coming together to
make a work of art.
This could be our world.
This should be our society.
However we are too focused on the
white paper
to appreciate the amazing array of
colored crayons.

I seem like a river
but really I'm a broken stream.

It's hard to think that what you love
might just be a dream.

See all you have fade away
right before your eyes.

When your heart beats faster
and your spirit dies.

You lie to yourself.
Say everything is fine.

It doesn't work.
Just a meaningless line.

Smile for the picture.
Hide your feelings
they'll fade soon

Fake your laugh.
Choke back your thoughts
until you see the moon.  

Showing love,
showing comfort,
is just a child's game

and pulling back the arrow
is useless without
a perfect aim.

They want to see you flawless.
No eyelash out of place.  

Let alone a tear
streaming down your precious face.

Bullets pulsing through violins.  
Guns pointed at cellos.

Bombs strapped to pianos.
Knives grazing the bass.

Gruesome music.
Tragic notes.

These lyrics are not just rhymes or rhythm but serious outbursts for help.

Our music can only be understood by the lost.  

Hopeless moments are remembered.

Important thoughts are long forgotten.

We play for the souls of yesterday.

This symphony is ran by the insane and Im the composer.

I'm not perfect. I'm not proper. They leave just like my thoughts of self worth. I'm broken. I'm lost. Barely holding on. Friends fade. Family is forever, but what am I? I'm the forgotten punctuation. I'm incorrect grammar. They write their stories and I'm never a character. She sees me as the villain. When I'm really the damsel in distress. Tales always have a happy ending but my book seems to be missing a few pages. The words dig into my skin like pencils on paper. I just wish I could be the title of the next best seller.

Wishing is an odd thing don't you think? It's false hope wrapped up into small objects and suspicions. We grew up thinking eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, birthday candles, and 11:11 were magic charms that make wishes come true. As you get older that thought changes. Eyelashes are just hair. Wishbones are just bone matter of another animal. Dandelions are just plants with fragile ends. Pennies are just pieces of copper worth almost nothing. Shooting stars are just rare sightings of rock floating in the air. Birthday candles are just a myth that are lit on fire to be destroyed. 11:11 is just a time in history. They are just that. Nothing. We grew up being told these parts of life are filled with stardust gifted by god just for us, but in reality they are just as magical as you and I. I've wasted too many wishes and too much hope. It's time to grow up. It's time to learn not to put hope into objects that
have no real power.

Peter and Alice,
Long lost lovers
Of different dimensions.

Peter and Alice,
Children with sad lives
And chosen hope.

Peter and Alice,
Searching for answers
And creative questions.

Peter and Alice,
The perfect couple
Forgotten in time.

Peter and Alice,
A story not told
Of discoveries.  

Peter and Alice,
Neverland or
Wonderland?

Memorizing your features
as if they were a test to fail.
Every crease on your cheek
deserved one hundred percent.
Each sparkle in your eye
deserved extra credit.
The way your hair curled at the end
deserved a gold star.
However the material
I studied was wrong.
The test was true or false
not multiple choice.
I spent too much time
focusing on appearance
rather than taking notes
and now my score
is low enough to crash.
You were worth a perfect grade
but I am not an A+ student
and never will be.

You broke your promise.
You promised you wouldn't go back.
You said you were done.
What do you do?
Break apart every word we said.
Separate the conversation we had.
I want the best for you.
I want you to be happy.
You don't care I guess.
I'm just another voice in your head.
I'm a worthless sound.
You are going to regret it.
I tell you now.
This will end badly once again.
This time I won't apologize
because you had it coming.

My heart fluttered to a new beginning.

Now the word "love" has a different meaning.

Our eyes met as we walked the hall.

Catching every glance as smiles start to fall.

What we have might just be a crush

But it brings such a lovely rush.

I want the rings of Saturn in my hair,

the stars to shine bright in my eyes,

the wind to flow in my mind,

and the wolves to howl in my heart

but the night is dark and dangerous.

Mirror mirror on the wall
who is the fairest of them all?

Is it the one who starves herself to death
or the one who struggles to catch her breath?

Mirror mirror on the wall
who is the fairest of them all?

Is it she who cares too much
or the one that flinches at a single touch?

Mirror mirror on the wall
who is the fairest of them all?

Is she tall? Is she thin?
Probably, since the judges are men.

Sometimes I feel the urge to walk the halls of the forbidden forest to witness the stars at their greatest potential and the moon at its finest hour but those times are hard to come by when my mind only leads into the abyss.

My heart floats in a bottle of wine
Beating against the glass
Throbbing with the waves

My heart floats in a bottle of wine
It was dripping off your lips
Half gone in no time

My heart floats in a bottle of wine
My blood being the alcohol
My skin being the kick

My heart floats in a bottle of wine
You were drunk
But not wasted enough

My heart floats in a bottle of wine
Finishing with one more sip
It went sinking to the bottom

Dangerous in its own
and meaningless to most;
this state is forever  
and I can't seem to find the reason why.

Cold floors
Heavy doors

Sterile shots
Beds and cots

Charts of red
Tears that shed

Doctors with nurses
Stories of curses

No sleep
Sanity to keep

Smiles fade
Lights turn to shade

With every waking breath I wish I were gone. I wish I were at a meadow filled with daisies or a peaceful ocean drenching the sadness away. Somehow these wishes are all I think about.  The way I gaze at the whiteboard imagining I'm at home under a blanket. The moments I'm hoping I will not have to attend school the next day. I find myself feeling lonely in a building full of others. The dreams I have of the future that I know will never come true in my lifetime. All of these meaningless thoughts of worth and faded pasts. I see myself applying to the work of everyday and the next brief second I'm a puddle of tears and fear. The feeling of failure and deprived opportunities. When I know I could have done better, when I know I will never be the idea of perfect to myself or to my fellow peers.  So many concepts run through my mind of what is considered weak and attention seeking. I do not want to get down to that ghastly level that I'm extremely close to hitting. Whether that be breaking down or giving up on what I have received. Schooling has built up so much pressure. Success is expected by a person quite as me but what if I cannot deliver that request? The weight of the world is on my shoulders as it will get heavier and heavier throughout the years. Eventually I will break and that will be my ending point and it's painful that I am looking forward to that blissful moment.

Am I caged
or am I free?

Is this a prison
or a destiny?

Am I wounded
or am well?

Is this Heaven
or is it Hell?

What is fake? What is true?
I will leave that up to you.

She never enjoyed
the thought of the ocean.

The waves being able
to go as they please.

She never enjoyed
the thought of the ocean.

Water as blue as
the bruises she hid.

She never enjoyed
the thought of the ocean.

Ripples swaying
like she does in her sleep.

She never enjoyed
the thought of the ocean.

Drowning herself with ideas
like she would in the tides.

She never enjoyed
the thought of the ocean.

Parts unexplored
similar to her own.

She never enjoyed
the thought of the ocean.

However the shore was her safe haven.

Someone once asked me the question of what if everyone in life is drugged and we are just looking at a warped view of the world. I replied that drugs are supposed to make you happier and take the pain away. If we were all really drugged then the world would be a beautiful place of amazing colors, of silliness, and of sweet smiles. The world wouldn't be such a disaster as it is, it wouldn't be so horrible and everyone wouldn't have so much sorrow. However, if your question is true I wouldn't want to see the natural world anyway.

I care too much.
Why can't you see?
That loving you
is hurting me.

You are a toxin
I'm not ready to face.
You are poison
dressed in cotton and lace.

Tumbling, rolling,
falling in my mind.
The thoughts of you
so sweet, so kind.

Stuck in this state.
It's hard to read
that my life's a play
and you're the lead.

I apologize for the collateral damage
I must have caused from being
a part of your life.

I don't want tomorrow to come so I stayed up till 1 a.m. stalling the night wishing the future could disappear and the past would vanish in time.

I believe in angels both good and bad. Some people don't know that the bad ones exist and others don't want to think that they do. But it's true, they are alive and well. They disguise themselves you see as little things that can ruin your day. The crack in the pavement you trip on, that stupid grade you have on your report card, or it could just be the person that cut you off in traffic. It's their job. They were birthed by god but sent by the devil. The worst angels of them all are the ones you were born with. The ones that live inside your head that tell you to do things you're not sure of. They tell you to take the leap of faith when you know for a fact the distance is way too long and they convince you that revenge or crude actions are necessary. These angels are often called demons but that's wrong they are angels who took the wrong path in their previous lives. Please don't let these angels control you because if you do you'll turn out just like them. Evil, confused, and alone.

Oh I can break your heart
but all you've got is me.
I can leave you.
It soon will be.

That's an issue
you can't address
without the fear of
being worth any less.

I'm the one
that "loves you".
That phrase is poor.

You're here only
for my purpose
and nothing more.

This is a poem
of control and self increase.
There is a larger puzzle
to your smaller piece.

You're blinded by my "love".
You can't see past the mistakes.
Telling friends of excuses.
Giving me the biggest breaks.

All that is proven,
the power belongs to yours truly.
Shedding tears.
Asking for advice newly.

I will move on.
It's easy for me
because empathy
is sparse you see.

I've left already
but the memories stay.
Burdening you of
of a darker day.

Oh how do I wish I could meet him
the love my life
we would be great
but yet again here is the issue
he's not of my kind you see
I witness him through a filter
and he doesn't recognize me at all
his eyes cut through mine
as if by magic
his hairs curl in just the right way
becoming similar to waves
under the sea
his voice can crumble me to the ground within a second
he has his flaws yes
and I do mine
but we can be as flawless
as a porcelain doll
put together like a pair
our worlds do not cross
each other's paths are
anything but close
we have yet to meet one another
in the best future
hopefully we will.

Baby the night will never come if

all you think about is the moon

and your love will never stop if all you

care about is her saying it soon.