The demons got too loud
and then became too quiet.
It’s hard to fight an attacker from behind.
It’s hard to get rid of all the monsters that stay on my mind.

If I said I wish I had never met you
I would be lying.
Everything hurts and feeling your memories is the sharpest blade I’ve ever endured.
I wish you had stayed and I wish you had the capability to love me.
Maybe we’re all just broken machines who lack the parts that make them whole.
All I know is that for a little while, you made me feel whole.

We became the silhouettes of the dreams
we woke up in the middle of.

The memories of us live behind my eyelids.
I cannot sleep without dreams of you.
I cannot blink without visions of you.

I may never forget that white shirt
or those late nights we spent together
I know I can never erase the phone calls and the promises
I cannot delete the number 2330 from my brain
and I cannot act like I never loved you.
Even when you spoke of leaving I wanted you to stay
and I may of been foolish and blind
but I loved you more than anyone has loved someone
since the beginning of time.
I hope you're happy and I wish you were here
because then things
could have
would have
and should have
turned out differently for us.
Every night I want to call you and make sure you're still breathing
after all this.
I know you said you loved me that very last day
and I've found all the undertones in those messages I've saved
because you were the most beautiful person to me
and sometimes you still are.
So I'll still love you more than I hate the miles and I'll still worry about
how fast you drive
but I will love you differently, otherwise I won't survive.

You could take it all away right now.
With one singular buzz of my phone you could stop my anger from boiling over
and my thoughts from imagining you with her.
I'm waiting restlessly and angrily at 2:59 a.m. wondering where the ******* are
and hating your lack of vacancy and loving every single part of you.
You are so beautiful to me and I need to know
I have to know that when I get like this, punching walls at 3:00 a.m. that you'll come out of the shadows and stop me.
I need you to grab me and hold me until I'm okay again.
You can stop me, but you are the only one at 3:02 a.m.

I wanted it to be me.

Come back so I can prove
that I have and always will be
the best thing that has ever happened
to you and that I am in fact
the only one who has never even
considered leaving your side.
I am here and I am ready
to give you every single
ounce of love in this world
and I need you to open
your ******* beautiful
eyes and see that I will never
ever hurt you and I will never
leave you at any time.
I will hand you the world
as long as you promise to
remain in mine.
Because baby, I cannot lose you
again because losing you is the
worst thing I've ever known.
I know it's crazy and I know it's hard
but I love you like crazy and that's
all we need to make this work.
We need this love and you and me and us
until we can no longer see how bad
things have gotten in the world.
Because when you talk to me,
I don't think about wars or shootings;
I think about how if nothing else in this world
is right, at least we are.
I love you and that will never change
so please don't make me live a life where
we are not us and I have to find a way to
make it through days by avoiding songs
and checking out film titles to make
sure they will not remind me of
our last goodbye or the first time
you ever told me you loved me.
Believe in us, believe in me.
I believe in you and everything I
know you can and will be.
Even if I have to write you forever
until I can see you once more,
I will not give up.
You are beautiful. You are perfect.
I cannot lose you again.
I will not lose you again.

We are not defined by skype or video calls
or text messages or distance
and I won't let those things change us
or the lack of those things.
I miss you like hell
and I love you like heaven
but that doesn't change the fact that
this gets ******* difficult
or the fact that I get mad over nothing.
I know we are different and I know
this is worth it.
I know we seem crazy, insane, even unrealistic.
But I don't care.
I love you I love you I love you.
It's worth it because I know that someday
you will find the birthmarks that cover my torso and the scars
that cover my hips
and I will find out the way your spine curves and how your
voice sounds when you get out of the shower
and the way your lips part.
These frantic wishes fill me up
and swallow me whole.
My love for you saves me and sinks me
but when I'm down at the bottom, I find you
have not left me.
Despite the number of texts we send in a day or the
number of times I hear your voice
I will love you.
I will love you more than I hate the miles.

Do I just sit around and wait for you
to be here again,
or do I find the you that's hidden in the darkest valleys
through which I would never travel for another soul other
than the man I love more than anyone else?
I must.
For you are that man.
I promised myself long ago
I would never let something beautiful leave.

I woke up this morning
and remembered
how I waited up
for your birthday.
And I thought
I would be spending
every single one
of those anniversaries
by your side
for the rest of
our lives.
But here we are,
apart.

The only thing I can do is love you
and destroy myself.
But baby, when it gets bad outside
or the demons are shouting the names they gave you,
I will hold you until they are nothing
but a bad dream.
And the next time I think of destroying myself,
I will stop.
I will stop because of you my love,
your voice is louder than theres.

I would plant kisses on your body
so that every spring you would bloom
and maybe then you would realize
just how beautiful you are.

You see me breaking and hold my face,
begging me to let my eyes shine like the Christmas lights
that border my room.
You try to fill back up my lungs despite the fact that they
can no longer hold air.
You breathe your warmth in and out of my mouth
to keep me alive.
I am reliant on you for my each and every breath
and without you my lungs would fall down inside of me like party streamers
after prom night.
Breathe your love into me forever because it is all I have.

I want you.
I don't want perfection.
You are the bliss
in my worst nightmares.
I don't care if you poison
my gut and think you aren't
good enough.
I still love you like crazy
but when it comes to soulmates
I think you're mine and you
think she is yours
so I am left here alone,
loving someone who loves another,
wondering if my life will become
a series of almost having
the best things in life.
I know you say I deserve
the world but no one
wants to give it to me.
I do love you,
and I can't believe
you are gone
but still here;
you will always be present in my soul.

Tell me I light the candle in your room that scares away the ghosts
and tell me my promises mean as much to you as the word of your father has.
Just tell me I am enough to keep you present
despite all that we're being forced to overcome.

A long time ago I learned how
he loves me, he loves me not
could be cheated and ever since
I've tried to divide and subtract
the miles from my bed to yours.
No success has ever been mine
for you are still too ******* far
away and I am still drowning
in the town I grew up in where
nothing seems beautiful except
for the roads I know could get
me to where you are.
I have tried to find the loop hole
and have only gained a mind
hooked on you and a heart
that only falls for the sound
of your voice, even though
you're many miles away.
Because time is defined and
there is no form of transportation
that guarantees a life time with you,
I am lost in my mind.

Maybe this is my life.
Maybe all this pain
and heartache
and depression
is a part of who I am.
Maybe I am the dark clouds
that still allow the light to show through them.
I am alive so that I may
show others that there is a shed of
light even in the darkest rooms.
My heart is filled with holes
and my mind and body are
a canvas of scars.
But maybe that's who I am destined to be;
a lesson in survival.
I am proof that the injured are brave
and that the broken can seem whole.
I am 2 am and the fear
you have of loving.
But I am also the sweet
and the beautiful;
I am the delicately broken
and the permanently fragile.
So when I extend my arms
or form words with my mouth,
they are not for the demons.
They are for the losing team,
the insomniacs,
the heartbroken,
the lonely,
the scared,
the ones who wish they could forget.
I am your Aesop's fable telling you
that survival is real
and that it is worth it.
Take it from a butterfly heart
that never stopped beating,
even after its wings were clipped.

You and I form every constellation
when I look at the sky.
You are my north star and
I just want to come home.

There's nothing beautiful about
scraped knees and damaged things.
However, there is something very
beautiful about being able to get
back up again when you never
thought you would.

If I were to disappear or die
I wonder how many would morn
and how many would cheer.
My presence is often unwanted
and my soul is imperfect as well as my wrists.
I am the opposite of the norm and I wish so desperately
to go unrecognized so that I could disappear and no one at all
would miss me.

The only
words I
wish to
write
anymore
are the ones
that would
bring me
in to your
arms and
closer to
your heart
tonight.

As I sit down to learn the rules of the road and when to turn and yield,
you send me on a crash course.
My face goes from normal to flushed in less than a second and you sit
as if nothing had ever happened between us,
as if you hadn't hit the breaks every time our moment began.
You treat me like a turn you cannot make and I wait to catch you staring
like you always have.
Truthfully, I won't let you come back in.
You have gotten too good at sneaking up on me from my blind spot
and I will not let you **** me again.

I wish I could
engrave every broken promise
in to my skin
and fashion a tic mark
for every time I
thought it would be
easier for everyone
if I were to disappear.
Then my body
would showcase my mind
and no one would say,
"It isn't that bad."
My body would become
the most melancholy work
of art and there would
be more important questions
than what Mona Lisa's smile hid.
I would become my mind;
a compilation of heartache and pain.
I am a body that once believed that
life was 3 parts sweet
1 part bitter,
but that soon realized all I
could taste was the mistakes I'd
made and the disappointments
I've created for so many.

And what happens
when you love
and love
and love
someone,
but it still may
not be enough.

So if you've lost all hope,
call me.
If you don't believe you're loved,
tell me.
Because we all have the finite infinity
of our lives
and I'd hate to see yours end
any sooner than it had to.
I've been there when darkness
is no longer just the absence of light
and has instead become the only thing
you are sure of.
Let me assure you that one day
your lungs will stop being filled with the
tears that are drowning you and
that one day someone will no longer look
for the scars to kiss and will instead
find your lips.
You are more than the emptiness.
You are stronger than the demons
demanding an r.s.v.p. to your funeral.
You are beautiful and you are loved
and one day you will not be someone's
"tragically beautiful" you will be just as you are
now to me and so many others.
You will realize you are simply beautiful
and all this tragedy is not why you are so.
Through your ocean eyes, you will realize
that after all this time your demons turned to angels
and that saving is something you can do for yourself.
I know how bad it seems, but there's still dreams
left for you to sleep through.
Please do not make your story end now
because I need an epilogue.

Even after everything,
I love you.

And then I prayed
that you'd fall for my eyes.

How am I supposed to tell you
about my days
and be honest with you
when I constantly fear losing you?
People leave each other in hell
and I need to know you won't
let go of my hand
even if the demons are holding me as well.
I need to know you will love me
even if I can't believe in myself,
and I need you to feel close
even though you are far away.

And sometimes you
get caught between
wanting to know
and wanting the moment
to last.
Because how do you
measure time when you
do not know how much
you have left.

I often think about the day when my
beautiful 5 year old daughter begins to trace
the strange lines that are on her
mama's wrists and the day
she notices the white lines
on her mama's legs.
So the day she finally asks
what happened
the way children do,
I will tell her this;
Baby girl, sometimes life gets too hard
and you feel like you cant breathe anymore.
Sometimes you think that your tummy shouldn't rise up
and down anymore and that you don't
deserve to eat as much ice cream as you want on hot days
or that a boy doesn't love you so you
need something else to fill the emptiness.
Sometimes you give in to the mean voices in
your head and don't know where to go.
But baby girl,
when that day comes I will hold you
and protect you the way mothers should
and I will fight off all those demons
and make sure you know just how beautiful
you are.
I promise you, I will not leave
you alone in the dark and that I will take you
driving if you need that or bring you
places that make you feel whole.
And baby girl, if the day ever comes where
you think you can never win again,
I will drive us to the ocean that very day
so you can stand by me
and dip your toes
in to the biggest infinity
the globe has to offer.
We will collect shells and see broken
beautiful things
and the sand that is better with
other things
and on that day,
I promise you I will not leave.
And sweet daughter of mine,
I promise I will love you
no matter how bad things are
or how terrible you feel.
Because I never want you
to feel how I have.
I want to protect you,
I never want you to have to tell your
little girl stories like this.
But if you do,
I will love you.
There is nothing
in this universe you could do
that could make me stop
loving you
my beautiful daughter.

I believe I'd rather encounter
a ghost rather than any human
spirit.
For I have grown more afraid
of these humans inhumane ways
and the demons that are human words
that rest between my joints.
No spectacle can scare me
like the things I know can.

You make me laugh
like I've never felt
any pain in my entire life.
And when my eyes start
to water because you
have said something
so horribly comedic once
again, it is not because I
am sad; it is because
you are the only person
who can make me feel
so infinitely happy
when hours before
I felt like dying.

I found home
between the
syllables of
your name.

And honey
I want to kiss you
so that you might take away the pain
for just a minute,
you could make me forget.

So I cried
and I cry
and I cannot stop
because she wants
the exact same
things I want from
you.
Except, she gets
them and all I get
is empty promises
and some more
pain and sleepless
nights that you will never
comfort me through.
Being in love with
you is the most
tragic and beautiful
thing that has ever
happened to me.
You are my
Hotel California and
now I can never
leave.

There is no limit to the things I would tell you
if you were here with me.
There's nothing I can do but wait for answers and replies
and there's nothing I can do but crave to hear your voice.
If I count to ten,
you will not appear beside me on blue bed sheets.
There is no force in this universe that could place me next to you
in enough time.
There has never been enough hours on our clock,
not enough laughs or memories.
These are things I desire to have infinitely with you.
There's never been walks on the beach or car rides or kisses for us.
I fear one day our clock will stop,
and I will be left wishing for infinite time.

If I could,
I'd board a greyhound right now and get to you in
two days and two hours.
I'd tell you I was on my way and you'd probably cry,
cry the happiest tears of your life.
Then you would take me home with you
and keep me warm.
We'd just falls asleep in each other's arms.
But none of these things are possible.
I'd do this and more
if I could.

You were oblivion.
He was the ocean.
In you, I was forgotten.
In him, I was infinite.

I do not know
how I am supposed to accept
that she is there and
I am not.
I will never be able
to accept that she has history with you.
I want you to be mine
and only mine.
However,
I have not always been yours.
So I guess that's how we all live our lives.
Constantly wishing we were someone's first
and praying to the sky
so that we may be someone's last.
Neither of us come untouched.
I love you,
and I will take you as you are
with more joy and love
than heaven itself can fathom.
Because, I would give up anything in this world
to be able to hold your love in my hands
for the rest of our existence.

You are the most precious thing I have ever found.
Your choice of words and the thoughts you conjure up
make my fingers tingle
and my soul desire to inscribe your mind
on to my own.

I could write novels on the way you make me feel,
filling infinite pages with your essence would be a simple task.
I'd struggle only with the way to word perfection and the way your eyes gleam
as well as describing the ways your smile makes me weak.
You are so **** far away and I miss the sound of your voice
with the frequency of the tides hitting the shore.
But despite the tilt of the earth, time zones, interstates, and state borders
that keep me away from my home, I still feel close to you.
I could reach my arm across the bed and almost feel like you are here.
I wake up in the middle of the night,
expecting the body I have never even slept with to be here protecting me.
I know you are, just not physically.
You cannot be in my region of time and space
and I cannot be in yours.
None of these boundaries can keep me from you,
we both refuse to let them.
But every single moment I do something new or see something beautiful
or blink
or breathe
I miss you.
My fingers curl against my palm and my hands ache,
I reach out for you.
I wake up once more and experience the biggest disappointment I could imagine.
You still cannot be here and I still cannot be there.
So for now, I'll hold you in my heart that keeps my blood circulating
and where you have purchased your retirement home.
I will let you reside in my heart and soul because you cared enough to tear
down the wall, brick by brick.
When we come together,
I will not waste another moment.
I will hold you tight and tell you I love you.
Even after I have found out the definition to your perfection,
I will sty and I will love you for a lifetime.
I know you will keep redefining it as you have redefined my life, soul, and heart.
I'll hold you soon enough.
But for now, know I love you
and that I will not return the keys to the space I occupy in your heart.

I will lace up my shoes
and fight these long
without you days
until I can
lace my fingers
in between yours.

Since you hung up the phone,
I've replayed all your words in my mind
and wondered if you cried that night.
And all I've thought about is the way your voice sounds
from across the country
and the way my heart hurts
imagining your hands in hers.

Sometimes I laugh loudly
and then begin to sob.
My body shakes and trembles
and all of a sudden,
an instance of joy
turns in to all the pain I
have tried to hide
for so long.
I break down so
easily lately
because I am so scared
that I will die while
being alive
once again.

And today is the day
I began to truly believe
There was no God.
I prayed to Him
Last night and begged that
I may hold your love
For eternity.
But here I am
Broken and without
Once again considering
dragging a blade across my
skin and realizing
You will never know the
Birthmark on my side
As you know the way
Her hair looks at 2 am.
And today,
I believe there is no God
Because I have never been
This broken and hopeless,
Wishing so strongly for a brokenness to be fixed.

I do not have
to reread your words
or call you to hear them one
last time;
they are all I hear in my mind anymore.

Depression ate me alive
while I starved myself
and the demons bled me out
and the words bruised my skin.

Anxiety pushed me to panic
while I clung to the bed posts
and screamed and cried
and wished it would stop.

Death tempted me
like the taste of sadness on my lips
but life coaxed me in to tasting the sun.

Since you've returned,
I've been left speechless.
I need to know if this is an
encore or an entirely new
show.

The thought of you
makes me sick now.
You are no longer
a bittersweet memory.
Those things changed,
the love changed,
when you reminded
me just how worthless
I was.
Your name makes me cringe.
I think about kissing you again sometimes
but then I remember your poison lips
and your searching hands
that reminded me I was just a body.
Nothing you will ever say
can change the way I remember you.
Stop trying to fix it.
Stop trying to fix me and make
me feel as if I'm crazy and still need you.
You cannot tell someone they are worthless
because of their scars
and then try to kiss the scars you left away.
And I wished you'd never touched me.
Because every place you've touched is scarred
by the memories and thought of you.
I hate myself for loving you
and I wish I hadn't
so that I may think of my neck
without imagining you being the noose
that was hanging me
in my own shame and self hate.