I'm so in love
with every version
of your soul.
I am fascinated
by the catacombs
in your broken and restless
heart.
There is nothing
I adore more
than you.
I love every single
version of you.
And all I can
hope is that maybe
you love one version
of me.

I fell in love with you
when I saw the way
you were listening
to the music and
the way you didn't
care if it wasn't your
favorite. You kept
the rhythm with
the movement of your body
and made me realize
I was not the only
one swaying through
melodies and life.
You made me realize
that I was not odd for
standing in a corner
trying to figure out
whether or not to run
or to dance.
But as you listened and
noticed, you taught me
to do what I feared so
terribly. You showed me
how to be fearless and how
to dance.

I refuse to medicate myself in to oblivion
to fight the demons that are in my head.
No chemicals are going to save me,
I will save myself.

I will not become a member of the Prozac nation
or use pills to fix my broken soul.
With God as my witness, I kneel down and swear
on my life that was almost taken by those evil pills,
that I am stronger
I am better
and I will fight alone.

We miss self destruction
at the times where hot water
is not hot enough to make us
forget everything we wish we could
and we miss feeling like we had control
because suddenly, we have to let go
of something that gave us more power over
ourselves but also destroyed who we
were trying to save.

There is no limit to the things I would tell you
if you were here with me.
There's nothing I can do but wait for answers and replies
and there's nothing I can do but crave to hear your voice.
If I count to ten,
you will not appear beside me on blue bed sheets.
There is no force in this universe that could place me next to you
in enough time.
There has never been enough hours on our clock,
not enough laughs or memories.
These are things I desire to have infinitely with you.
There's never been walks on the beach or car rides or kisses for us.
I fear one day our clock will stop,
and I will be left wishing for infinite time.

You make me laugh
like I've never felt
any pain in my entire life.
And when my eyes start
to water because you
have said something
so horribly comedic once
again, it is not because I
am sad; it is because
you are the only person
who can make me feel
so infinitely happy
when hours before
I felt like dying.

In winter, more than just the cold swoops in.
The hard times,
the long nights,
the burning wood is something you must accept.
Although you sit in a tight ball,
wondering why you feel like this every year,
it doesn't change that this season reappears.
Christmas and New Years aren't times of celebration anymore.
They're simply mile markers of how far away the sunshine is.
but, the sunshine isn't spring anymore.
It's the joy that's seeped out of my very existence.
I hope one cold wintery day I awake and can find beauty in these simple things.
Yet, it's not that simple.
I've grown too fond of summer rain.

I hate the fact
that I understand
why you love her
eyes so much
and I hate that I
understand why
someone would choose
anyone over me.
She is beautiful
and the only thing
slightly remarkable
about myself
is that I am in fact
a storm;
everyone is interested at first,
but they quickly flee
after realizing that I
carry too many heavy things.

Since you've returned,
I've been left speechless.
I need to know if this is an
encore or an entirely new
show.

They ******.
They went home and ****** because that's what society said was love.
Although she wanted him to love her,
he didn't think she felt that way.
And even though he loved her,
she thought he just wanted her body.
But in reality, they wanted to make love
and thought that ******* was creating it.

There's nothing in the world I would not say
or do
or anywhere I would not go
if I believed it could save us,
Even if it wouldn't,
I'd string my words up like Christmas lights an give them to you,
to help brighten your world.
But I cannot give you anything
or be near you
or grab you and shake you or scream
or cry in to your chest.
I am at the mercy of you.
You have the power to leave
in seconds and minutes.
But I would do anything in this world to stop it.
Why? What's the point?
Because you are the first person I've ever really loved
and the first one who made me believe I was special
and the only one who's ever believed in me
and the last one I ever want to love.

The memories of us live behind my eyelids.
I cannot sleep without dreams of you.
I cannot blink without visions of you.

I do not have
to reread your words
or call you to hear them one
last time;
they are all I hear in my mind anymore.

Since you hung up the phone,
I've replayed all your words in my mind
and wondered if you cried that night.
And all I've thought about is the way your voice sounds
from across the country
and the way my heart hurts
imagining your hands in hers.

I think to myself,
"If you were here tonight I'd be okay. Everything would be okay."
But there wouldn't be a problem in the first place if you weren't there and I wasn't here.
I would burn bridges, construct temples, rob a bank, or jump off a bridge if I knew it would get me to you.
There's very few things that could stop my desire to want you.
to need you.
I don't know what made me willing to go to such extremes for you,
but I remember when.
I realized rain would taste better with someone holding you and that movies aren't supposed to be watched alone
and that books should be read with you and hikes should be hiked with you and food should be eaten with you
and nights should be slept with you and poems should be heard with you and car rides should be driven by you
and that life, my life, should be lived
with you.

The only thing I can do is love you
and destroy myself.
But baby, when it gets bad outside
or the demons are shouting the names they gave you,
I will hold you until they are nothing
but a bad dream.
And the next time I think of destroying myself,
I will stop.
I will stop because of you my love,
your voice is louder than theres.

How am I supposed to tell you
about my days
and be honest with you
when I constantly fear losing you?
People leave each other in hell
and I need to know you won't
let go of my hand
even if the demons are holding me as well.
I need to know you will love me
even if I can't believe in myself,
and I need you to feel close
even though you are far away.

And sometimes you
get caught between
wanting to know
and wanting the moment
to last.
Because how do you
measure time when you
do not know how much
you have left.

And what happens
when you love
and love
and love
someone,
but it still may
not be enough.

You are gone,
yet you remain.

I wanted it to be me.

Maybe I can
stop loving you;
yet I have no desire to do so.
And I know that even with all
the strength in this world trying to resist,
I would still love you.
You are my weakness.

I do not know
how I am supposed to accept
that she is there and
I am not.
I will never be able
to accept that she has history with you.
I want you to be mine
and only mine.
However,
I have not always been yours.
So I guess that's how we all live our lives.
Constantly wishing we were someone's first
and praying to the sky
so that we may be someone's last.
Neither of us come untouched.
I love you,
and I will take you as you are
with more joy and love
than heaven itself can fathom.
Because, I would give up anything in this world
to be able to hold your love in my hands
for the rest of our existence.

The only
words I
wish to
write
anymore
are the ones
that would
bring me
in to your
arms and
closer to
your heart
tonight.

I do not know
how I am supposed to feel close to you
when you are thousands of miles away
and you don't even cast out your words
to draw me near.

And then I prayed
that you'd fall for my eyes.

Even after everything,
I love you.

I get mad that you're there
and I'm here
and that you're not here
and I'm not there.
I tell you I miss you and I miss the ocean
and how much I love you;
that is all true.
However...I do not tell you
how scared I am that your presence will leave me
and I will be left with nothing but memories
and the fact that I have loved far too much once again.

If I could,
I'd board a greyhound right now and get to you in
two days and two hours.
I'd tell you I was on my way and you'd probably cry,
cry the happiest tears of your life.
Then you would take me home with you
and keep me warm.
We'd just falls asleep in each other's arms.
But none of these things are possible.
I'd do this and more
if I could.

Do I just sit around and wait for you
to be here again,
or do I find the you that's hidden in the darkest valleys
through which I would never travel for another soul other
than the man I love more than anyone else?
I must.
For you are that man.
I promised myself long ago
I would never let something beautiful leave.

Sometimes I laugh loudly
and then begin to sob.
My body shakes and trembles
and all of a sudden,
an instance of joy
turns in to all the pain I
have tried to hide
for so long.
I break down so
easily lately
because I am so scared
that I will die while
being alive
once again.

Hearing your voice for the first time
in 10 months killed me.
It did not help
that the subject matter
was you leaving me
and loving her,
but still loving me.
So I guess that's how
I learned that I love
you more than I ever realized
because I want you to be happy
even if it doesn't come from me.
And I guess we all live our lives
loving people
who may or may not
love us in return
the same way we love them.