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Jan 2014 · 580
12/365
Madeleine V H Jan 2014
The demons got too loud
and then became too quiet.
It’s hard to fight an attacker from behind.
It’s hard to get rid of all the monsters that stay on my mind.
Jan 2014 · 672
14/365
Madeleine V H Jan 2014
If I said I wish I had never met you
I would be lying.
Everything hurts and feeling your memories is the sharpest blade I’ve ever endured.
I wish you had stayed and I wish you had the capability to love me.
Maybe we’re all just broken machines who lack the parts that make them whole.
All I know is that for a little while, you made me feel whole.
Jan 2014 · 460
17/365
Madeleine V H Jan 2014
We became the silhouettes of the dreams
we woke up in the middle of.
Jan 2014 · 365
19/365
Madeleine V H Jan 2014
The memories of us live behind my eyelids.
I cannot sleep without dreams of you.
I cannot blink without visions of you.
Dec 2013 · 583
Wreckage
Madeleine V H Dec 2013
And we're all just hiding underneath the wreckage of the last thing that broke our hearts
and we are all just trying to turn the trauma into a triumph
even when we know body bags and tombstones await us,
we fight for some unspoken promise a lover once told our hearts.
Dec 2013 · 775
Constellations
Madeleine V H Dec 2013
You and I form every constellation
when I look at the sky.
You are my north star and
I just want to come home.
Nov 2013 · 618
Reeling
Madeleine V H Nov 2013
I remember the way you got lost in my words
and the way you would muffle your tears
or fight them back.
I remember the call that day by the pool
and diving in after we had ended it.
Just a few weeks later you were calling again
and you were needing me again because you had never stopped.
Maybe I should be content with the second chance we got
but I never will be.
I will keep biting my lip every time I'm about to cry
and I will keep hating that night you walked away slowly and
we were forced to say our goodbyes.
I still remember how that air smelled and how in love with your laugh
I already was.
I'm sorry we're here now and I wish I didn't still love the way you flirt with me
because it's left me empty and nauseous,
reeling for everything we were meant to be.
Oct 2013 · 555
2330
Madeleine V H Oct 2013
I may never forget that white shirt
or those late nights we spent together
I know I can never erase the phone calls and the promises
I cannot delete the number 2330 from my brain
and I cannot act like I never loved you.
Even when you spoke of leaving I wanted you to stay
and I may of been foolish and blind
but I loved you more than anyone has loved someone
since the beginning of time.
I hope you're happy and I wish you were here
because then things
could have
would have
and should have
turned out differently for us.
Every night I want to call you and make sure you're still breathing
after all this.
I know you said you loved me that very last day
and I've found all the undertones in those messages I've saved
because you were the most beautiful person to me
and sometimes you still are.
So I'll still love you more than I hate the miles and I'll still worry about
how fast you drive
but I will love you differently, otherwise I won't survive.
Oct 2013 · 525
Tides
Madeleine V H Oct 2013
You'll still drive to the ocean
and I'll still drive to the mountains
but the boundaries between us
won't fold up like origami anymore.
Whether we were wrong in leaving or not,
I still imagine what our kitchen would be like
and how it would feel to sleep with you holding me.
We've become broken promises that numb me.
I will not call for you in the middle of the night anymore,
for I know if I were to hear your voice or taste your words
I would be swallowed up by you once more.
And no matter how many times you become my ocean,
I won't let myself drown in your love when I know the moon will
steal you away as it pulls you back after crashing in to me.
Sep 2013 · 874
Breathe Me In To You
Madeleine V H Sep 2013
You see me breaking and hold my face,
begging me to let my eyes shine like the Christmas lights
that border my room.
You try to fill back up my lungs despite the fact that they
can no longer hold air.
You breathe your warmth in and out of my mouth
to keep me alive.
I am reliant on you for my each and every breath
and without you my lungs would fall down inside of me like party streamers
after prom night.
Breathe your love into me forever because it is all I have.
Sep 2013 · 2.6k
Candle
Madeleine V H Sep 2013
Tell me I light the candle in your room that scares away the ghosts
and tell me my promises mean as much to you as the word of your father has.
Just tell me I am enough to keep you present
despite all that we're being forced to overcome.
Sep 2013 · 419
Trying To Save
Madeleine V H Sep 2013
We miss self destruction
at the times where hot water
is not hot enough to make us
forget everything we wish we could
and we miss feeling like we had control
because suddenly, we have to let go
of something that gave us more power over
ourselves but also destroyed who we
were trying to save.
Sep 2013 · 625
Damaged Things
Madeleine V H Sep 2013
There's nothing beautiful about
scraped knees and damaged things.
However, there is something very
beautiful about being able to get
back up again when you never
thought you would.
Sep 2013 · 1.2k
Lace
Madeleine V H Sep 2013
I will lace up my shoes
and fight these long
without you days
until I can
lace my fingers
in between yours.
Sep 2013 · 569
Repetition
Madeleine V H Sep 2013
I will repeat
"I am beautiful,
I am beautiful,
I am beautiful."
Maybe then I will
no longer look in the
mirror and be persuaded
to destroy myself.
Aug 2013 · 622
Bloom
Madeleine V H Aug 2013
I would plant kisses on your body
so that every spring you would bloom
and maybe then you would realize
just how beautiful you are.
Madeleine V H Aug 2013
So maybe I am crazy.
But the only things I'm crazy about
is loving you and wanting to be with you.
And ****, maybe I do want to escape
and get lost in a state that might as well
have been named for me.
I just want to find the beaches that
are covered in sea glass and see
the sunsets cities are named for.
I want to get lost in you to the
point where I never have to come
home for holidays.
I just know that this isn't
some **** fantasy.
This is college across the country
and this is you and me.
I need to be able to wake up
on the time zone clock I'm
already sleeping on and
find the one person
who I want to see every
day for the rest of my life
right there beside me
when they've been
so far away for too
**** long.
Aug 2013 · 312
Enough
Madeleine V H Aug 2013
And what happens
when you love
and love
and love
someone,
but it still may
not be enough.
Aug 2013 · 503
Six Feet Under
Madeleine V H Aug 2013
I
never
learned
how
to
address
letters
to
someone
who
was
six
feet
under.
Aug 2013 · 444
Weights
Madeleine V H Aug 2013
We come to crossroads
where we are left with
weights that cannot be lifted.
That is when we look
around to all those
who have carried us
and who we have carried
and find the strength
we seemingly lost underneath
all the weight of the world.
Jul 2013 · 721
Epilogue
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
So if you've lost all hope,
call me.
If you don't believe you're loved,
tell me.
Because we all have the finite infinity
of our lives
and I'd hate to see yours end
any sooner than it had to.
I've been there when darkness
is no longer just the absence of light
and has instead become the only thing
you are sure of.
Let me assure you that one day
your lungs will stop being filled with the
tears that are drowning you and
that one day someone will no longer look
for the scars to kiss and will instead
find your lips.
You are more than the emptiness.
You are stronger than the demons
demanding an r.s.v.p. to your funeral.
You are beautiful and you are loved
and one day you will not be someone's
"tragically beautiful" you will be just as you are
now to me and so many others.
You will realize you are simply beautiful
and all this tragedy is not why you are so.
Through your ocean eyes, you will realize
that after all this time your demons turned to angels
and that saving is something you can do for yourself.
I know how bad it seems, but there's still dreams
left for you to sleep through.
Please do not make your story end now
because I need an epilogue.
Jul 2013 · 294
Distance
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
The only
words I
wish to
write
anymore
are the ones
that would
bring me
in to your
arms and
closer to
your heart
tonight.
Jul 2013 · 1.2k
Reflection
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
Your eyes
reflect the
light that
has become
my sunshine
Jul 2013 · 465
Home
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
I found home
between the
syllables of
your name.
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
Come back so I can prove
that I have and always will be
the best thing that has ever happened
to you and that I am in fact
the only one who has never even
considered leaving your side.
I am here and I am ready
to give you every single
ounce of love in this world
and I need you to open
your ******* beautiful
eyes and see that I will never
ever hurt you and I will never
leave you at any time.
I will hand you the world
as long as you promise to
remain in mine.
Because baby, I cannot lose you
again because losing you is the
worst thing I've ever known.
I know it's crazy and I know it's hard
but I love you like crazy and that's
all we need to make this work.
We need this love and you and me and us
until we can no longer see how bad
things have gotten in the world.
Because when you talk to me,
I don't think about wars or shootings;
I think about how if nothing else in this world
is right, at least we are.
I love you and that will never change
so please don't make me live a life where
we are not us and I have to find a way to
make it through days by avoiding songs
and checking out film titles to make
sure they will not remind me of
our last goodbye or the first time
you ever told me you loved me.
Believe in us, believe in me.
I believe in you and everything I
know you can and will be.
Even if I have to write you forever
until I can see you once more,
I will not give up.
You are beautiful. You are perfect.
I cannot lose you again.
I will not lose you again.
Jul 2013 · 1.6k
Cheating The Systems of Time
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
A long time ago I learned how
he loves me, he loves me not
could be cheated and ever since
I've tried to divide and subtract
the miles from my bed to yours.
No success has ever been mine
for you are still too ******* far
away and I am still drowning
in the town I grew up in where
nothing seems beautiful except
for the roads I know could get
me to where you are.
I have tried to find the loop hole
and have only gained a mind
hooked on you and a heart
that only falls for the sound
of your voice, even though
you're many miles away.
Because time is defined and
there is no form of transportation
that guarantees a life time with you,
I am lost in my mind.
Jul 2013 · 379
New Show
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
Since you've returned,
I've been left speechless.
I need to know if this is an
encore or an entirely new
show.
Jul 2013 · 434
The Movement You Taught Me
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
I fell in love with you
when I saw the way
you were listening
to the music and
the way you didn't
care if it wasn't your
favorite. You kept
the rhythm with
the movement of your body
and made me realize
I was not the only
one swaying through
melodies and life.
You made me realize
that I was not odd for
standing in a corner
trying to figure out
whether or not to run
or to dance.
But as you listened and
noticed, you taught me
to do what I feared so
terribly. You showed me
how to be fearless and how
to dance.
Jul 2013 · 397
Happiness Is In You
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
You make me laugh
like I've never felt
any pain in my entire life.
And when my eyes start
to water because you
have said something
so horribly comedic once
again, it is not because I
am sad; it is because
you are the only person
who can make me feel
so infinitely happy
when hours before
I felt like dying.
Jul 2013 · 477
Then, Now, and Always
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
I cannot remember
a day in my life
where I did not
feel as if I was
supposed to have
someone next to me.
I have always yearned
for a soul to share
the most intimate,
painful, and beautiful
moments of my life with.
But now it is no longer
a soul I desire.
It is a person.
It is you I want by my
side as I look out at
a view of infinity
or hear the music
my heart craves.
You are the soul
I've always searched for;
then, now, and always.
Jul 2013 · 312
Finite Time
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
And sometimes you
get caught between
wanting to know
and wanting the moment
to last.
Because how do you
measure time when you
do not know how much
you have left.
Jul 2013 · 556
Hotel California
Madeleine V H Jul 2013
So I cried
and I cry
and I cannot stop
because she wants
the exact same
things I want from
you.
Except, she gets
them and all I get
is empty promises
and some more
pain and sleepless
nights that you will never
comfort me through.
Being in love with
you is the most
tragic and beautiful
thing that has ever
happened to me.
You are my
Hotel California and
now I can never
leave.
Jun 2013 · 432
Version
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
I'm so in love
with every version
of your soul.
I am fascinated
by the catacombs
in your broken and restless
heart.
There is nothing
I adore more
than you.
I love every single
version of you.
And all I can
hope is that maybe
you love one version
of me.
Jun 2013 · 435
You Fill The Emptiness
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
And I don't like
how I feel whole
again just because we had
another conversation that
lasted in to 5 a.m.
Because quite frankly,
I was horrified that may
never happen again.
It scares me how
much I needed that
and never even knew.
Jun 2013 · 325
Loud Thoughts
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
I do not have
to reread your words
or call you to hear them one
last time;
they are all I hear in my mind anymore.
Jun 2013 · 1.9k
Treasure Chest Soul
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
And maybe we are all a little broken but that's okay because I know some people throw out their old broken things but others notice that they are broken and love them even more because they see the imperfections as beautiful. And there are others who look down at tiny little shattered pieces and get the glue and magnifying glass and get a table out they haven't seen in years and put all the pieces on it. And they sit down for hours and days putting it back together knowing that it will never be what everyone else sees as perfect again but it will be together and damaged but it will be loved. Because the first time it was created it was instantly whole and someone else thought it was good enough. But a lot of things are just good enough. Every single Hershey's kiss looks the same except for the ones labeled as mistakes. Those are less likely to occur. But if they turned out this way normally than we would consider our current norm abnormal. So then the normal would be abnormal and the abnormal would be normal. It's all perspective. So the guy who spent all that time fixing you thinks you're absurdly and absolutely perfect. Because he saw the broken bits that were your original as even better than the whole you started as. Some people just get a few cracks in shipping and some people want the discounted price. But you gotta find the ones who see scars as beauty marks. That's what it's all about. Perspective. We are like this because we aren't like everybody else. We have the abnormal make. We are the 3 am word fighters and the night riders. We are all the bad and the good and we speak in bittersweet tongues. Nobody can fix us because we aren't broken. We are disassembled and can build ourselves. We don't need anyone else's tool chest because we have one right below our rib cage. Our lungs are practically indestructible because they know just how sacred air can be. We are the strong because we've cried ourselves to sleep and thought that was normal. We are the ones who were told they were doing it wrong the first time they cut but were strong enough to realize that they were wrong and there is no right way to destroy yourself. We are the future. We are the pain. We are the daydreamers who know how brilliant the sky looks at 4:27 am east coast time in Atlanta. And just because we've thrown up in too many bathrooms and told too many family members we ate before we got there, that sure as hell doesn't mean we aren't craving life and have had too many heartaches for breakfast. We are the ones who rolled over in bed and realized that the boy was gone and that we would have to hug ourselves. My shoulders are strong from carrying the weight of the world. Our eyes think that floods are normal because that's all they have seen. I have lived my life walking along the train tracks trying to find a way to get home. All I have gotten is calluses on my feet and strangers dreams in my heart. We keep them there. We carry the letters of the broken hearted and deliver them to the lost. As we saved others we lost ourselves. And then we look up and see the stars and realize that there's this whole galaxy that we are. We are everyone's broken promises and expired wishes. We carry the spirits of the deceased and the never born. We hold on to the spirits of the people who changed. I've cried myself to sleep too many **** nights for one person so I know I am the embodied spirit of everyone who's never had a voice and everyone who has needed one. We are the ones who were pushed against a wall and didn't say no because we thought that was the only love we may ever get and didn't realize just how twisted it was to trust a boy who treated you like trash and to think his kisses were your anti depressants when they were your poison.  But then we wake up and push him off and say, "Boy, I don't need you. You were nothing but heartache and pain. You see these scars? Don't tell me to stop until you are there to take away the ******* blade. Do not tell me suicide is a joke because every single part of me has thought it was a blessing at one time or another. Do not ever touch me until the day you will not be repulsed by the blood or *****. Do not tell me you are not in to scars because that is all you have left on both my body and my heart."And we are the sad nights where the boy you just fell in love with leaves on a plane to go home to California. We are the tropical islands where we met the loves of our lives. I am the tears I shed on the balcony in the Bahamas the night I got so scared I may never see you again. I am the song I sang out to the tropical storm winds that night where I repeated, "love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah." I am the same girl who pushed the tears off her cheeks after letting their significance sink in and put on her makeup to go out and fake a few smiles. We are the ones who take care of the drunk girl we just met even though the boy we love just left. We are the ones who love our fathers even though they’ve broken more than a few bones in their lifetime. We are the ones who have treasure chest souls where children hide their keepsakes so that in twenty five years they can tell the story of their discovery to a 6 year old little girl with huge green eyes. We are the freckles on the lonely girls shoulder that made a beautiful boy fall in love with her; yet she wishes she could erase them. And we are the long distance phone calls between broken lovers that last 1 hour and 6 minutes and deliver lost hopes and shattered promises. We are the weddings that unite two people who thought about stepping in front of buses just 8 years before. We are the ones who cried on bathroom floors thinking it was our fault but stopped when we thought someone would hear. We are those who never want to be seen as weak because we don't want anyone to figure out that we can't always hold it all together. We are the ones who are bones and flesh and have died because their souls and bodies were robbed of nutrients. We are the ones who bled out on the carpet and weren't found for days. We are the student deaths that never made the announcement and never got a commemorative tree. There is nothing beautiful about sadness. But there is something beautiful about watching destruction save itself. There's something beautiful about terrible moments that turn gorgeous. We are the thorns that were trimmed back too soon because no one ever realized we were a rose. And we were never broken. We just needed to be too many heroes at once. So sometimes we get stretched too thin because our souls are too wide. Because there are a lot of broken promises and heart breaks and love affairs and sad minds and beautiful days and long nights that we must embody. We are the ones who would never change being all those things because we like having an ever changing soul. We are the ones who must fight to live even though we have patchwork hearts and memories that are in love with romanticizing the past. We must fight because when we die, others die with us. All the things we have carried and delivered turn to ash and lay beside us in a velvet and oak box for the rest of eternity on the day we are lowered in to the ground. But in reality we know that things will get better because the grandmothers dreams of an education located in our left knee cap on the right hand side tell us to never give up. So that's what we do. We listen to the demons in our souls and the angels that also pay rent. But we carry all our memories even when they jab us in the ribs and make us believe that we will never breathe again. But we are breathing. We are living and the daughter we are yet to have needs us to tell her about the world. Because I pray she has a soul like mine so that I may show her that the world is both bitter and sweet but that every single thing looks better after thinking you'd seen the most beautiful thing in the world. So we keep these bodies and live our lives so that we may realize that there are many more parts of us that magnifying glasses don't show and pounds can't measure.  And we hold on for everyone but must learn to hold the firmest grip for ourselves. Because I will always love that boy who left the island with the crystal clear water and I will never forget the girl who told me I didn't destroy myself in the right way. And I am okay with that. I am okay with carrying these things. I am used to the weight of noth the beautiful and the terrible. And although it makes me feel empty at times, I realize that it is only because my ever hungry soul is still craving even more life.
Jun 2013 · 907
Vision
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
And I'm getting scared again
because nothing seems beautiful
except for you and the
other things in life I cannot have.
And I wish I could see pretty things once more
because all I've seen for weeks
is life through my tear filled eyes.
And I hate myself again
because the way I see others
is not the way I see myself.
Because I am the flood
that destroys the flowers.
I am forever this horrible emptiness
that misses everything.
My thighs will always be too wide
and my thoughts and weight will always be too heavy.
When they told me in third grade that I needed
my vision checked, I wish they
had told me about this too.
For my vision is not just blurry, it is fogged
and broken and unclear.
I am broken and blurry with a foggy mind
with a heart full of love for everyone I see
but a mind full of disgust for the person viewing them pass.
Jun 2013 · 467
Ghosts
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
I believe I'd rather encounter
a ghost rather than any human
spirit.
For I have grown more afraid
of these humans inhumane ways
and the demons that are human words
that rest between my joints.
No spectacle can scare me
like the things I know can.
Jun 2013 · 551
Not A Bittersweet Memory
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
The thought of you
makes me sick now.
You are no longer
a bittersweet memory.
Those things changed,
the love changed,
when you reminded
me just how worthless
I was.
Your name makes me cringe.
I think about kissing you again sometimes
but then I remember your poison lips
and your searching hands
that reminded me I was just a body.
Nothing you will ever say
can change the way I remember you.
Stop trying to fix it.
Stop trying to fix me and make
me feel as if I'm crazy and still need you.
You cannot tell someone they are worthless
because of their scars
and then try to kiss the scars you left away.
And I wished you'd never touched me.
Because every place you've touched is scarred
by the memories and thought of you.
I hate myself for loving you
and I wish I hadn't
so that I may think of my neck
without imagining you being the noose
that was hanging me
in my own shame and self hate.
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
Maybe this is my life.
Maybe all this pain
and heartache
and depression
is a part of who I am.
Maybe I am the dark clouds
that still allow the light to show through them.
I am alive so that I may
show others that there is a shed of
light even in the darkest rooms.
My heart is filled with holes
and my mind and body are
a canvas of scars.
But maybe that's who I am destined to be;
a lesson in survival.
I am proof that the injured are brave
and that the broken can seem whole.
I am 2 am and the fear
you have of loving.
But I am also the sweet
and the beautiful;
I am the delicately broken
and the permanently fragile.
So when I extend my arms
or form words with my mouth,
they are not for the demons.
They are for the losing team,
the insomniacs,
the heartbroken,
the lonely,
the scared,
the ones who wish they could forget.
I am your Aesop's fable telling you
that survival is real
and that it is worth it.
Take it from a butterfly heart
that never stopped beating,
even after its wings were clipped.
Jun 2013 · 708
Anniversary
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
I woke up this morning
and remembered
how I waited up
for your birthday.
And I thought
I would be spending
every single one
of those anniversaries
by your side
for the rest of
our lives.
But here we are,
apart.
Jun 2013 · 797
Honey
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
And honey
I want to kiss you
so that you might take away the pain
for just a minute,
you could make me forget.
Jun 2013 · 301
6 Word Poem
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
I wanted it to be me.
Jun 2013 · 279
eyes:10 words
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
And then I prayed
that you'd fall for my eyes.
Jun 2013 · 277
Everything
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
Even after everything,
I love you.
Jun 2013 · 306
Remain (6 word poem)
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
You are gone,
yet you remain.
Jun 2013 · 301
Stop
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
Maybe I can
stop loving you;
yet I have no desire to do so.
And I know that even with all
the strength in this world trying to resist,
I would still love you.
You are my weakness.
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
I wish I could
engrave every broken promise
in to my skin
and fashion a tic mark
for every time I
thought it would be
easier for everyone
if I were to disappear.
Then my body
would showcase my mind
and no one would say,
"It isn't that bad."
My body would become
the most melancholy work
of art and there would
be more important questions
than what Mona Lisa's smile hid.
I would become my mind;
a compilation of heartache and pain.
I am a body that once believed that
life was 3 parts sweet
1 part bitter,
but that soon realized all I
could taste was the mistakes I'd
made and the disappointments
I've created for so many.
Jun 2013 · 323
Last Call
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
Since you hung up the phone,
I've replayed all your words in my mind
and wondered if you cried that night.
And all I've thought about is the way your voice sounds
from across the country
and the way my heart hurts
imagining your hands in hers.
Jun 2013 · 379
Storm
Madeleine V H Jun 2013
I hate the fact
that I understand
why you love her
eyes so much
and I hate that I
understand why
someone would choose
anyone over me.
She is beautiful
and the only thing
slightly remarkable
about myself
is that I am in fact
a storm;
everyone is interested at first,
but they quickly flee
after realizing that I
carry too many heavy things.
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