I may never forget that white shirt
or those late nights we spent together
I know I can never erase the phone calls and the promises
I cannot delete the number 2330 from my brain
and I cannot act like I never loved you.
Even when you spoke of leaving I wanted you to stay
and I may of been foolish and blind
but I loved you more than anyone has loved someone
since the beginning of time.
I hope you're happy and I wish you were here
because then things
could have
would have
and should have
turned out differently for us.
Every night I want to call you and make sure you're still breathing
after all this.
I know you said you loved me that very last day
and I've found all the undertones in those messages I've saved
because you were the most beautiful person to me
and sometimes you still are.
So I'll still love you more than I hate the miles and I'll still worry about
how fast you drive
but I will love you differently, otherwise I won't survive.

You'll still drive to the ocean
and I'll still drive to the mountains
but the boundaries between us
won't fold up like origami anymore.
Whether we were wrong in leaving or not,
I still imagine what our kitchen would be like
and how it would feel to sleep with you holding me.
We've become broken promises that numb me.
I will not call for you in the middle of the night anymore,
for I know if I were to hear your voice or taste your words
I would be swallowed up by you once more.
And no matter how many times you become my ocean,
I won't let myself drown in your love when I know the moon will
steal you away as it pulls you back after crashing in to me.

You see me breaking and hold my face,
begging me to let my eyes shine like the Christmas lights
that border my room.
You try to fill back up my lungs despite the fact that they
can no longer hold air.
You breathe your warmth in and out of my mouth
to keep me alive.
I am reliant on you for my each and every breath
and without you my lungs would fall down inside of me like party streamers
after prom night.
Breathe your love into me forever because it is all I have.

Tell me I light the candle in your room that scares away the ghosts
and tell me my promises mean as much to you as the word of your father has.
Just tell me I am enough to keep you present
despite all that we're being forced to overcome.

We miss self destruction
at the times where hot water
is not hot enough to make us
forget everything we wish we could
and we miss feeling like we had control
because suddenly, we have to let go
of something that gave us more power over
ourselves but also destroyed who we
were trying to save.

There's nothing beautiful about
scraped knees and damaged things.
However, there is something very
beautiful about being able to get
back up again when you never
thought you would.

I will lace up my shoes
and fight these long
without you days
until I can
lace my fingers
in between yours.