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88 · May 2021
hello?
Maddie Lane May 2021
you're right there

aren't you?

or no

you're far away

you're never in reach

are you?

those times i thought i had you, i simply didn't

i don't know if i should love you
or
hate you

i think i'm hating you?
but hating myself more
87 · Mar 2
the battle
Maddie Lane Mar 2
now that i've got what i fought for
(i think)
what do i do?

i've spent so long fighting battles that i forgot what it was really for
i can't take a breath for i feel like i'll lose
gotta keep the shields up
gotta keep fighting

something i've fought for
for so long
must be worth it
right?

but in the light of day
and the retrospective of night
i'm not so sure

should it be like this?
what if the answer is no?
Maddie Lane Feb 24
you couldn't pay me to go back to high school
and trod through those prison-like halls.
but sometimes i ache to go back
to those high school summers,
the ones that you were so often a part of.

yes, i'll admit it.
i do miss
cruising down west shore drive
windows rolled down, summer's air filling the car.
going to the beach after the sun's set,
feeling deliriously dangerous as we sipped captain morgans
and pilfered *****.

i even miss
trailing behind all the skateboarders,
hearing the roll of the wheels on the asphalt,
watching the falls and the triumphs.

i miss chatting with you,
about anything and everything.
beaches and bonfires
and "where's my flopper"

you were there
always smiling,
always willing to let me in on the story,
to share the memories made long before i arrived,
inviting me to tag along.
you were a friend to all,
an enemy to none,
and you never passed judgment on anyone.

and though we hadn't talked
in far too long
i know,
if i had run into you,
you'd smile
say my name, ask how i've been.
that was something i could count on

it's impossible to comprehend,
that somehow
you're gone.

i can say that certainly
this really is
marblehead's greatest loss.
for cale
81 · Jan 2022
who knew?
Maddie Lane Jan 2022
not me
still don't really know

trying to soften the inevitable blow
(not really trying)
(too busy enjoying this)
(trying hard to not look forwards or back)

but there you are
and i am here
and sometimes
i open my eyes
wipe the sleep from my lids
and find
there you are
in bed
next to me

and i know it's stupid
to let myself
melt into your embrace
feel safe
exhale the breath i've (apparently) been holding

but
i can't help it
don't really want to
i'll try to prepare for the pain

but,
oh,
it will have been worth it
80 · Aug 2020
twenty five
Maddie Lane Aug 2020
i'm twenty five now
officially
halfway to fifty
yet i'm aching to go back
i want to drive through my hometown after curfew
feeling deliriously dangerous
i want to sleep through math class
i want to gossip in the cafeteria

i want there to be no responsibilities
i don't want to stress so much
i'd love to have less worry

alas

time doesn't stop
not even in a pandemic
and we all must age  
and continue on with our days
66 · Jul 2020
summer
Maddie Lane Jul 2020
i'm sunburnt
and sleepy
and half drunk

but i don't want this to end
(well, maybe the headache)
i live for summer nights
though i had forgotten what they meant to me

there's something about the peace you feel
when you're chock full of seaweed and salt water
and your skin is burnt
and your head is aching
that's so
nice
refreshing?
relaxing?
it's a reset
it's the perfect way to end a day
and wake up
new again
(though still a little burnt)
66 · Apr 29
the end
Maddie Lane Apr 29
is this really it?

i guess so.

it's....
uneventful,
a slow break.

you don't care to stay,
and,
you don't care to go.

but,
i'm tired of keeping us afloat.
i've been trying for so long.

long ago,
i picked up an oar,
turned to you,
said "let's go"
and figured you'd start paddling too.

turns out,
i was wrong.
i've been going in circles for
who knows how long.

and at some point,
someone's gotta call it,
and head to shore.

and i guess,
that time is fast approaching.
and the person who's gonna call it,
is going to be me.
62 · Aug 15
pyrrhic victory
Maddie Lane Aug 15
was it worth it?
they'll ask,
the time
the effort
the love.
was it all wasted?

honestly,
i'll say,
i don't know.

it was my highest high
and some of my lowest lows

if you'd have asked me
where i thought i'd be by now
i'd tell you,
it wasn't here

i saw a future
(a long one)
full of growth
and love
and good food.

and maybe
(most likely)
i'm a naive fool

but maybe
(also likely)
i was just hopeful

so i'll stop short
of tearing my heart from my sleeve
i won't let myself grow cold and heart
i'll stay soft and tender
(for now)
52 · Sep 22
possibilities
Maddie Lane Sep 22
where does it go
after this
when all is said and done

will you flit in and out of my life again
or
will i see myself out of yours

(save myself a little hurt)
(maybe)

or do we meet somewhere in the middle
not strangers,
but acquaintances of some sort

to be honest,
it's been so long
that it's hard to imagine
a life without you

but please,
don't get confused,
this doesn't mean that i want anything back
i wouldn't change anything
(except the timing)
(would have maybe tried to see the rug
before it was pulled out from under me)

rest assured,
you do not have the power any longer

it's just
strange
to think of my life
without you in it
42 · Oct 9
out of sight
Maddie Lane Oct 9
do you think of me?
when i'm not there?

do you playback the memories
of our times
(both good and bad)
?

or

do you forget me
once i'm out of sight?

— The End —