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120 · Jun 2022
shoreline
Maddie Lane Jun 2022
i want to stand besides you
on the shoreline
let the waves kiss our toes
think about how small we are
how deep the ocean really is
(we've no idea)

but here i am,
in brooklyn,
alone.
listening to the neighbor's smoke detector go off,
again.

and often
well, sometimes,
i find myself wondering
if i'm doing this wrong.
if i should've left the city
and returned to the oceanside town.

well.
it's too late now,
no sense in looking back.

so,
i guess i'll stay here,
listening to the city sounds.

or,

maybe,
i'll find somewhere new.

a different ocean to stand near
or
maybe,
instead,
it's a lake,
or a pond,
or another city.
maybe
it's somewhere in another country.

i've no ties to this place
(or anywhere else)
nowhere to lay claim to.
so,
i'm floating,
and
i'm free
and
it's both terrifying
and comforting
to know.
120 · Jan 2022
it's cold out
Maddie Lane Jan 2022
but it feels good to be right

i knew that winter would bring you my way

did i know how close it'd bring you?
how good it would feel?

no.
not at all.

i was not prepared.

and am nowhere near ready to say goodbye.
yet,
i must

for we both know this is ending soon

tear out the stitches
rip off the bandaid

all of the medical metaphors

to say

goodbye
117 · Aug 2024
pyrrhic victory
Maddie Lane Aug 2024
was it worth it?
they'll ask,
the time
the effort
the love.
was it all wasted?

honestly,
i'll say,
i don't know.

it was my highest high
and some of my lowest lows

if you'd have asked me
where i thought i'd be by now
i'd tell you,
it wasn't here

i saw a future
(a long one)
full of growth
and love
and good food.

and maybe
(most likely)
i'm a naive fool

but maybe
(also likely)
i was just hopeful

so i'll stop short
of tearing my heart from my sleeve
i won't let myself grow cold and heart
i'll stay soft and tender
(for now)
116 · May 2021
hello?
Maddie Lane May 2021
you're right there

aren't you?

or no

you're far away

you're never in reach

are you?

those times i thought i had you, i simply didn't

i don't know if i should love you
or
hate you

i think i'm hating you?
but hating myself more
115 · Jun 2021
nyc
Maddie Lane Jun 2021
nyc
i love new york
and you
(i think)

i like to get out of the city
sometimes
it feels like escaping

silly,
i know

since you're never around
and
we've not done much here
(in a city of hundreds of zipcodes
our moments were contained to a few)

but still

new york will never be mine
and it'll always be yours

you're tied together in my mind
(there's no escaping that)

and massachusetts
might be my home
maybe not anymore

i know nowhere to call my own
(even the apartments are temporary)

but i had thought
i'd carved a spot in your arms
nestled against your chest
that from the place in my bed
that i could call home

but i was wrong
112 · Oct 2024
out of sight
Maddie Lane Oct 2024
do you think of me?
when i'm not there?

do you play back the memories
of our times
(both good and bad)
?

or

do you forget me
once i'm out of sight?
110 · Apr 2024
the end
Maddie Lane Apr 2024
is this really it?

i guess so.

it's....
uneventful,
a slow break.

you don't care to stay,
and,
you don't care to go.

but,
i'm tired of keeping us afloat.
i've been trying for so long.

long ago,
i picked up an oar,
turned to you,
said "let's go"
and figured you'd start paddling too.

turns out,
i was wrong.
i've been going in circles for
who knows how long.

and at some point,
someone's gotta call it,
and head to shore.

and i guess,
that time is fast approaching.
and the person who's gonna call it,
is going to be me.
110 · Sep 2024
possibilities
Maddie Lane Sep 2024
where does it go
after this
when all is said and done

will you flit in and out of my life again
or
will i see myself out of yours

(save myself a little hurt)
(maybe)

or do we meet somewhere in the middle
not strangers,
but acquaintances of some sort

to be honest,
it's been so long
that it's hard to imagine
a life without you

but please,
don't get confused,
this doesn't mean that i want anything back
i wouldn't change anything
(except the timing)
(would have maybe tried to see the rug
before it was pulled out from under me)

rest assured,
you do not have the power any longer

it's just
strange
to think of my life
without you in it
109 · Mar 2024
the battle
Maddie Lane Mar 2024
now that i've got what i fought for
(i think)
what do i do?

i've spent so long fighting battles that i forgot what it was really for
i can't take a breath for i feel like i'll lose
gotta keep the shields up
gotta keep fighting

something i've fought for
for so long
must be worth it
right?

but in the light of day
and the retrospective of night
i'm not so sure

should it be like this?
what if the answer is no?
105 · Jan 2022
who knew?
Maddie Lane Jan 2022
not me
still don't really know

trying to soften the inevitable blow
(not really trying)
(too busy enjoying this)
(trying hard to not look forwards or back)

but there you are
and i am here
and sometimes
i open my eyes
wipe the sleep from my lids
and find
there you are
in bed
next to me

and i know it's stupid
to let myself
melt into your embrace
feel safe
exhale the breath i've (apparently) been holding

but
i can't help it
don't really want to
i'll try to prepare for the pain

but,
oh,
it will have been worth it
105 · Aug 2020
twenty five
Maddie Lane Aug 2020
i'm twenty five now
officially
halfway to fifty
yet i'm aching to go back
i want to drive through my hometown after curfew
feeling deliriously dangerous
i want to sleep through math class
i want to gossip in the cafeteria

i want there to be no responsibilities
i don't want to stress so much
i'd love to have less worry

alas

time doesn't stop
not even in a pandemic
and we all must age  
and continue on with our days
89 · Jul 2020
summer
Maddie Lane Jul 2020
i'm sunburnt
and sleepy
and half drunk

but i don't want this to end
(well, maybe the headache)
i live for summer nights
though i had forgotten what they meant to me

there's something about the peace you feel
when you're chock full of seaweed and salt water
and your skin is burnt
and your head is aching
that's so
nice
refreshing?
relaxing?
it's a reset
it's the perfect way to end a day
and wake up
new again
(though still a little burnt)
57 · May 13
honey bear
Maddie Lane May 13
here you are,
again,
sweetness & smiles
patience & kindness

and i'm back to thinking
that maybe,
i think i like this little life

but
it's not a life,
not really.
it's fleeting,
temporary.
it's what happens in between all of life's moments.
it's hotel rooms,
and taxi rides.
it will be gone soon.

(i was right)
49 · May 13
wishlist
Maddie Lane May 13
someone who is nice to waitstaff
someone who will travel
someone who wants to rent a car and take a roadtrip (and offers to split the cost, without me asking)
someone who wants to visit my family
someone who wants me to visit their family
someone who wants to know my friends
someone who wants me to know their friends
someone who is willing to try anything
(someone who is willing to try)
someone who makes me feel comfortable
someone who will tell me i look nice
someone who will put me first for big occasions
someone who can celebrate the good things
someone who can comfort me when the bad things happen
someone who is consistent
someone who shows up (without needing to be asked)
someone who doesn't live for their job
someone who will visit me at work
someone who will try to not make me cry
someone who won't insult me regularly
someone who wants to make me feel loved

— The End —