called you just to see if it was really over
I was hoping you’d convince me to stay
I realized my answer was in your voicemail

I know it’s shallow and I know you won’t even see  
that no matter what I look like, you still won’t choose me
but still I stand in front of this cracked mirror
hoping the rosy cheeks and darkened eyes don’t betray my fear
I wanted to be around you without feeling less than
and I wonder again why I change so much of myself to please man
still the tears fall
and still you don’t call
there’s a voice in my head wondering if I’m the issue
doesn’t stop me from wanting to kiss you

my chest is cracking open
tears are falling in ways they haven’t for years
the silent scream keeps getting strangled in my throat
i think I knew it was over when I had to apologize for missing you

all my calls are going to voicemail
you don’t pick up the phone, you don’t show up where you’re supposed to be
I have flashbacks of train tracks and flatlining machines

want to run my hands through your hair
let my lips tell you that I’m here, I’m right here as they’re pressed against yours

The monster in my head is whispering
The same one that lives under my bed

it’s asking me why you didn’t trust me enough to let me be there

it’s reminding me that I’ve been close to having blood on my hands before

it’s running memories in my head like home movies

im pushing past the crowd, I’m reaching for you

There’s never going to be a world where my light is off, my phone is on silent, and my doors locked

I’m here whenever you need it darling

the porch light is on if you find your way to this part of town, I’m here if you remember for long enough that that used to mean something to us

it’s easier to write bad poetry about you
then it is to pick up the phone
and ask if you miss me too

so I don’t
I lay awake to the songs you left
I burn the candle that smells like you
I sit and I cry

Because I’m too in love with my own sadness to ever say I feel the same way about you

memories come in flashbacks
your hand in mine
your face across the table

I could have them all back if I wanted it bad enough
but when, my darling, have I ever really wanted anything?

forgotten in the pages of old books
dust settles in the nooks
my hands wrinkle with age
my heart beats slower in its cage

if I forget everything else
let me remember the hope itself

the first feeling of love without pain
I run my fingers down windows streaked by rain

years will pass before I’ll pull out the pictures again
I’ll hold you close, smile at the love thats been

maybe we learn more about love when it’s gone  
maybe we learn more about silence in the song
maybe I love you more now that it’s over
maybe you missed me more when you weren’t sober

questions I won’t have answers to
and the worries are anything but new

I still see it so clearly
walking away that night in the rain, heart pounding so fearfully

did we make a mistake?
has all of my strength been fake?

you warned me as the light struck down and the thunder shook

“You can’t turn this into a book
you can’t run and write me into lines you were too afraid to live
there’s nothing left I can give”

I smiled then, turned and left you standing there
sometimes it scares me, that I ever made you think I didn’t care

I only turn my greatest loves into fiction, my dear

like the ocean, wave after wave of mystery
I’ll run until my feet bleed
I’ll scream it to the top of my lungs
I can’t be bottled I can’t be bottled
I will stop falling for boys who can’t accept my madness, I will stop accepting less then what I know I deserve
if it’s going to be love it’s going to be intoxicating
it’s going to be nonsensical and lively
and it’s going to be dark just like the side of me you refused to see
not every sadness is scary
and not everyone has to be happy, not all the time
I think maybe if I leave you with this
As I walk away in search of someone who stares at the ocean and knows what it feels like to be lonely
To have thoughts swirling in your head so heartbreaking that you can’t speak them aloud
to find someone who looks at my sickness And stops trying to fix it, stops trying to make everything better
to find someone who thinks that planes are beautiful and that the stars are a solace
to find someone who doesn’t want to be comfortable, but alive
I’ll leave you with this
It really is okay to not be okay
At the end of the day, you can’t run from the thoughts in your head
Maybe you should stop fighting the idea that we’re all a little sad