like the ocean, wave after wave of mystery
I’ll run until my feet bleed
I’ll scream it to the top of my lungs
I can’t be bottled I can’t be bottled
I will stop falling for boys who can’t accept my madness, I will stop accepting less then what I know I deserve
if it’s going to be love it’s going to be intoxicating
it’s going to be nonsensical and lively
and it’s going to be dark just like the side of me you refused to see
not every sadness is scary
and not everyone has to be happy, not all the time
I think maybe if I leave you with this
As I walk away in search of someone who stares at the ocean and knows what it feels like to be lonely
To have thoughts swirling in your head so heartbreaking that you can’t speak them aloud
to find someone who looks at my sickness And stops trying to fix it, stops trying to make everything better
to find someone who thinks that planes are beautiful and that the stars are a solace
to find someone who doesn’t want to be comfortable, but alive
I’ll leave you with this
It really is okay to not be okay
At the end of the day, you can’t run from the thoughts in your head
Maybe you should stop fighting the idea that we’re all a little sad

sunshine and smiles
you’re everything I’m not

Your energy exceeds mine
your beauty overpowers my brokenness

I want to soak it in and find my peace in your arms

but I can see the image so clearly
I can see it as it burns in my brain

my thin frame barely enough to make out the hospital gown, I’m screaming through the tears, fighting against my own self

and there you are, like a shadow
watching from afar
Your face cemented in horror
you never signed up for this kind of sickness
The one you can’t ever really see
But I’m too afraid to let it get far enough for you to ever understand

alone in this unfamiliar city
I want to take the keys to my car and just go anywhere else
drive until the thoughts in my head run out of gas
there’s so many questions I don’t know how to answer
tears are streaming down my face
and all I can see is yours
I wonder if i broke your heart by running away
I get a sick thrill from knowing you’d miss me
I just want to be alright, I see myself screaming it at you
You can’t understand you can’t possibly understand what this feels like I say as I claw at my skin
I’m dying inside but the rest of me is alive
my hearts beating
Smoke swirling around the fire I’ve set
You’re staring at me through the grey
I’m covered in blood I’m wiping it off like a madman
you’re reaching for me but I don’t know how to tell you this isn’t real
None of this is real
you and I
We’re over
And no smoke signals will bring you back to me

i wonder about you at times like this

when another date falls through
when another text gets left on read

i wonder what would have happened if i swallowed my pride
if i had told you i loved you when i felt it
if i had stopped running scared
you laid it all out for me bare, but i left you staring at empty air

forgive me
for these scenes running through my head
running with our hands intertwined, your sleepy hair next to mine, the sound of your heartbeat when i close my eyes

all these things and you offered them with a smile and trusting hands

i left you there
because i was only ever taught to destroy
i don't know how to love something good anymore
i don't know how to be content with contentment

6:10 p.m.

i'm trying to get my hands to stop shaking
you're supposed to be here any moment

my heart is already backing out
my feet are already running

trying to twist and turn against this straight jacket
i forgot to tell you in between all the phone calls and plans
that i'm scared of love
which means im scared of you

and i love to run when it looks like its gonna get good
commitment feels like a noose ever since he hung me

i bleed out of opened wounds at the thought of
"i love you"

waiting for my phone to buzz
but all i want is to never show my face again

thought i was ready

we were supposed to meet at this table

all thats left is my notebook, opened and covered with water stains

forgive me written in block letters, pages still flying in the wind

satin pillowcases under your head

text messages you never read

i learned not to ask questions

so many things i couldn't mention

couldn't open the door to your house of lies
learned to cover the bags under my eyes

spent two years trying to make you love me
when i finally had a breakthrough
you didn't know how to