satin pillowcases under your head

text messages you never read

i learned not to ask questions

so many things i couldn't mention

couldn't open the door to your house of lies
learned to cover the bags under my eyes

spent two years trying to make you love me
when i finally had a breakthrough
you didn't know how to

so busy running from you
i lost myself in the process

i haven't been down this path before
it's overgrown with fear

but still i press on,
what other choice do i have

forgot how to love
remembered i never have

painted pictures line these walls
i see your smile in his, i see your eyes in hers

i scratch this kitchen table with my nails
i trace the lines of old age and memories

i wait up for you
but the back door stays locked

and the porch light remains off

ive fought the whole world to be yours

i see myself in the hallway
she's shaking her head

she's telling me i told you so

years and years it may take,
but he will leave

they always do

chasing my tail

the demons in my head want to see me fail

i was reaching for you
but even they're scared for me too

broken limbs and my own scattered thought
recovery can't be bought

i say it over and over again
pain is a process
but lately, my head is just a mess

my therapist says I'm improving
but i don't even feel like moving

trapped in a house of empty rooms
im losing this battle, defeat i can see it as it looms

i don't want to feel anything
my finger is empty from your ring

you're so happy with her by your side
i'm just drowning in confusion, hanging on for the tide

late at night i lay awake
tell me for my own sake

there's blood on one of our hands
my clarity is slipping through my fingers like sand

was it my fault
who led this assault

looking in the mirror,
it comes with the fear
the realization
i'm the leader of this nation
an army of monsters
i'm the queen, long will we prosper

wandering these streets tonight
i can’t find my way home

i can feel the hands of the clock turning
they’re taunting me, i know I’m running out of time

ive looked for you in every alley, down every street

running in circles just to find you

i finally stop to look around and when I do this town is empty

stuck in the kingdom I’ve created
i built these walls with my own blood and tears
i crafted this iron fence with every regret I had
chain link after chain link of desperation

I’m standing here now, surrounded by my own army of fear

and I realize

I never really wanted to be all alone, after all

i can't tell if im moving on or just numb

i just know i cant feel my heart anymore

and im trying to figure out if feeling nothing is better than
feeling everything

because i forgot how to fall in love

but i forgot the sting of heartbreak too

beggars cant be choosers,
not in this life