I want your ribs to crack

with the overflow of love you hold for me.

I want you to choke

on all the words you can't find to describe me.

I wish for the breath to be taken right from your lungs

every time you think about my smile.

And if we're being honest, I hope you wind up dead

so that one day our graves might lay next to one another

after a life filled to the brim with raw,

violent,

love.

Every night I beg god to never see your face again




and then you show up in my sleep

-I am not your strongest soldier, please let me rest

I don't believe in love
the same way I don't believe in god
how could I put my faith in something I can't hold in the palm of my hand?
maybe that's why I got so tired of my hands always coming up empty when I tried to grasp the idea of love
I still haven't met God
but I imagine your lips and heaven feel pretty similar
and I still don't know if I put my faith in you
whether I should call it love or religion
but I do know that if love is real
it can be molded into the shape of the devil’s smile
and I've yet to learn the difference between your hands and hell
because even burning love leaves behind oozing blisters
and I've yet to find a saving grace to stick around to mend my wounds

Our love was like a car ride
I got in the passenger seat
Buckled up
And let you drive me crazy
I should have gotten out the second you ran a red light
But instead I turned the music up a little louder
Being with you was like going 90 miles per hour on a backroad
I knew it wouldn't end well but i didn't care until you were slamming on the brakes
But i guess i liked the way you drove through the interstate of my mind
or the way you tangled your body around mine like a winding road
Maybe i was too distracted by the way you sang along to the radio to notice the dead end ahead
I should have known we would run out of gas eventually

I keep finding bullets stuck between my teeth
The same ones you bought the day you decided the ceiling would look better covered in blood.
Maybe that’s why everything I say
sounds like it’s is trying to **** me.
But what do you do
when you stand in front of a mirror
with a gun to your head
and your reflection smiles back at you?
What do you do
When you stand in the middle of a busy road
And every driver is a different version of yourself you’ve tried to ****.
Every version of yourself
No one could love.
My mother used to get in fist fights with the mirror and expect to win
She says I look just like her
Maybe that’s why I wake up and can’t recognize who I am.
I checked the obituaries this morning
Trying to find myself again
It’s a habit I picked up from you
But I never thought your name would end up there before mine.
Sometimes I imagine what death feels like
Sometimes I imagine kissing you instead
By now it feels like I’m imagining the same thing.
Someone once told me that begging you to come home
Isn’t the same as praying
Maybe that’s why God stopped listening
and started smashing the windows of every place I thought we could be happy in.
Your smile looked a lot like the light at the end of the tunnel
Right before the train hits you.
I used to squint my eyes when I looked at you
Like I was looking at the sun
Or a car accident I wanted to be part of
I’m sorry I ever thought you could be anything ugly to me
You were the only beautiful thing in this hideous place.
I couldn't look at you clearly,
because I knew I would see my own face staring back at me and
your eyes were the only place I never wanted to be dead inside of.
You can only break your knuckles so many times
Before you cant hold yourself together anymore.
My hands haven’t stopped shaking since you left
I don’t know how to tell them you’re not coming back.
See, I used to say I never wanted to end up like my father
Now I have to say I never want to end up like you,
Which means I can’t leave without saying goodbye
But I tried to write my eulogy last night
And realized it's hard to write about someone I never knew.

Every time I've ever doubted myself is because your words wedged themselves in the back of my throat and no matter how hard i tried i couldn't cough them up.
You are the reason that every time I hear "I love you" it sounds like shattering glass.
You tought me to hear those words as if they are a ticking time bomb and to get out as soon as possible.
You are the reason I see myself as a puzzle piece instead of the whole image, because while I was trying to finish the picture you were just stealing the pieces you needed to make yours complete.  
Somehow while I was trying to keep the flowers alive I failed to notice all the weeds you planted.
You are the reason I always plot escape routes, am always looking for the nearest exit "in case of emergency".  
I can only hope that when you hear my name you feel acid creep into the back of your throat like it did mine the day you told me you never loved me

we were like the sand at our favorite beach
no matter how hard I tried to keep us from slipping through my fingers
I could never hold on tight enough
I still find little grains of you clinging to me
& no matter how many times I try and scrub them away
you're still stuck between my toes
& in my hair
sometimes I can feel you when I grit my teeth
you'd think after time these little pieces of you would fill up the holes you left in my heart
but that seems to be the one thing you left empty
when I swallow I swear i can feel you burning against the back of my throat
like saltwater
all the way down into my stomach
it tastes the same as they day you told me you never loved me
you would think by now I would have learned
you can't fill emptiness with more emptiness
& you can't keep sand from slipping from your fingers
but I still tried to do it anyway