this isn't what i expected life to be.
i had the whole world in front of me,
everything was a possibility, there were no limitations
nothing was holding me back besides my own self-doubt.

throughout high school they told me
that i'm wasting my potential, that
i'm not trying hard enough
even though i felt like i was using all of my energy
just to get through the day,
wading through the mud
in order to make it to the end.

now as an adult i'm told the same,
that i'm able to become an incredible person
and achieve great things so long as i try,
as long as i work towards my potential and not
waste it.

what potential do i have?
if i've spent all this time climbing to the top
just to hit a wall and i don't remember being given any equipment for this part of the obstacle course.
there's nothing to scale the wall, no cracks nor holes,
nowhere to go.

pressing myself against the barrier i realize that
maybe the wall is just myself, keep me from ever unlocking
the part of myself hidden away after years of abuse.
i left high school, but i never left the mud pit.
now i can wade through it as if it were nothing but air,
but i know that everyone can see the filth i'm covered it.

i'm not sure how to pull myself out,
i don't know how to rinse myself of this dirt that's caked on my skin after all these years.

for seven years i believed that i had no right to say
that i had been abused because it wasn't physical,
like my friend who was beat by her drunk father on
a daily basis.

my abuse was only on an emotional, psychological scale
and while sometimes his hand slipped or gripped too tight on me,
i honestly wouldn't count it as abuse.

recently i began reading into this and while it's not
as talked about as physical or ****** abuse it still counts
and it carries over as children grow up from these experiences.

even experiences that i didn't think counted as emotional abuse,
from times when i was far younger than just a teenager.

the abuse i've dealt with hasn't made me any stronger than i was,
it's made me the exact opposite;
instead of being the person i was before, bright and optimistic,
i'm apologizing constantly for things i don't need to and
second guessing myself and others intentions.

constantly i wonder if i'm bothering someone,
am i being too much of myself? am i allowed to speak?
does my opinion matter? is it all right to assert myself?

after being told for three years that i don't matter,
and there is no point of me for existing and that
it's no wonder i don't have any friends,
i'm trying to break myself out of the box i've placed myself in
and it's so **** hard.

i'm not sure when it started but i think
it began about eight years ago and since then
i've had quite the struggle dealing with it.

maybe it was the divorce,
the break up, the abuse,
being abandoned by my mother
and friends

or maybe i just snapped inside
and all the liquid began to ooze over
filling up all of the negative space
inside my brain.
sticky black tar growing thorny
flowers full of doubt.

been having those bad days lately;
either i binge and crave attention,
or i spend all day sleeping not even bothering
to feed myself.
reading or lying on the floor in a
pool of my own self-loathing or
drinking excessively and crying.

sure i want help, i want to get better,
i'm aware of my own disease even though
i tell myself that it's all right and i'm not that bad
because i'm not like that person and i'm not
making any attempts on my life right now
even though i spend a lot of my time thinking
about it.

sure i want to get better, but i think life
would be more terrifying without this
disability, this burden, constantly weighing
itself down on my shoulders.

who would i be if my heart was fine?

constantly at the back of my mind
the idea is there, whispering to me when
my mind is idle.
telling me that it's still possible.
you can still do it.
no one will find you either,
they wouldn't even think or wonder
where you are.
they'll knock on your door and
when there's no answer they'll
be curious and when
they find you, they
never would have expected it.

so why don't i just do it?
crying, my heart aches.
empty, numb, unmotivated,
and when i'm high i'm really
******* high and on cloud nine
but i crash so hard that i can't
handle this reality even though
i've got the good life.

i'm still so unhappy,
and i don't know how to get happy
and this bottle isn't helping.

spent the week in town, expecting to hear from loved ones
only to be reminded there aren't many left.
arrive looking my best to the show to
meet her and remember fond times just to
leave and spend the night with the bottle.

he didn't even show up to my
military graduation, and he didn't
even show up to my high school graduation,
and he didn't show up to
any events when i was a child, and
he wasn't there for my birth.

how many more chances am i going
to give to a man that doesn't put forth
any effort to be involved with his
only daughter, and how much more
of myself am i going to put out there
to be hurt and disappointed?

not sure why i get offended
when i find out i wasn't invited to a social event
because i know, i'll always politely decline.