fragility
one of my worst curses, i have grown irrational when thinking up ways to be strong... it’s no longer being strong at this point it’s avoiding feeling broken. it’s leaving every thought of how bad you’ve gotten behind. it’s getting so ****** up that you can no longer feel the pain that is hindered... it’s waiting for that moment of pure breaking, when everything comes crashing down upon you... it is squeezing the air from your sternum and flattening your heart while at it.
But...
it’s okay to feel fragile every now and then, knowing that at any point in time you could snap and either clear a whole city block or finish yourself off... and while it’s hard to come to terms with the darkness brewing deep beneath the surface it will remain there under the thin glass like skin that you’ve dreamt about cracking open but feared the outcome of it all... some people will never understand why you think the way you do but it is in you to build your skin thicker every day and letting the minor things just fall like a scraped knee easy to heal. So build yourself but keep that fragility for your own well being because we all need that balance.

step one. let it hurt
step two. let it heal.
letting it hurt; driving with tears in your eyes, try and get lost in her eyes. Distract your pain in her presence and when you leave let yourself grieve. For what's broken takes time to find all the pieces, and what's lost can never be found. Ache for the lost and the homeless, the fever bound and the out of town horrors. Hide the pain well until you are alone... and if you should get into a worse spot let it be your home. Embrace your pain like the first love you've always had and let it hurt. Let it make you want to pick up your broken pieces and watch as you scramble to put it back together like you've wanted for years. Stitch it tightly and listen up. letting it heal is a process in which we all get down and pick at our suture but we can't tear it apart with a breakdown out of the blue. it will ache and quake in your chest as you try your best to let everyone around you see happiness. it radiates around you and you worry if the pain does too... they don't come around you like they used to. you've cut your strings to them and they go far, they meet new people and see new things and here you are... chained to every thought and memory of who you once were or who you thought you were. You pick yourself up and push through it all because you have her and getting better. that's what you plan to do, don't make it all for her make it for you too. for you suffering in silence when no one knew what had been found, another sliver of that piece in your chest. you've grown, you've conquered, you've built yourself up to be anything and everything you've dreamt up. so take this time to heal so when it's finally done... you can look at how far you've come and see how far you'll go with the one you know you want to heal with and grow with. Because she is your unknowingly strong rock, and she will never know how much she helps and hurts. Because you hurt the things you love the most but you help just by being close... she is yours and you are hers and together you will heal and grow and life with finally be something that is null and void of pain, you only see the positive pain. the type that builds you from the ground up and takes so much time to tear down and you never ever want it to happen you want to live again and make better things happen.  So what we've seen in a two step to making it hurt less is to first let it hurt like nothing has before then pick yourself up and let it heal, let yourself get better so you can intertwine and grow with her. ~m.a.g

when I see you.
time doesn't slow but it blows past me at lightning speed, my heart slows.. pumping the same amount of adoration as always.. everyone fades around me and it's just you that I see..
when I hear you.
I listen closely every time you're around so that way my mind has a perfect print of your voice waves, a perfect memorization of things you say and when you are happy or sad. A perfect enabler to help me identify where you are mentally and emotionally.
when I think of you.
my hectic mind always filled with worry and self consciousness straightens up, one thought of you at a time... I remember the way you look when you smile the way your lips curl upwards at the sides when you look over at me...
when I speak to you.
my hands still get a little sweaty and my heart pumps a little faster, but I'm so content with you... I've memorized your laugh but it's never enough that I don't crave hearing it. every sentence you speak is important when it's directed to me or when it's about me. I listen so closely so I can always remember what that voice sounds like.
when i feel you.
whether my arms are wrapped around you or you're just leaning on me when you're tired or wanting to be close. my breathing slows and my care for you continues to grow... the comfort of being so close to you hearing your heart beat or even just your breathing, it calms the storm within me like nothing else ever has.
when I love you.
you'll know it's with all my heart, it makes me nervous and at the same time it feels like home. I no longer think of home as the house I live in but a place in your arms, a place around you, a place where I look into your eyes and I see that glint of happiness or even the anger or sadness. when I love you, this heart will be at peace and it may be the death of me or the thing that makes my heart pump steady and my mind never think about it stopping for anything. ~m.a.g

"and i have never once felt this type of love. the type that lifts you so high above everything; the struggles you're facing, the neglect to yourself, the way you feel about the world and how easily you could slip out unnoticed. but you... you've built me a wonderful whimsical world where i believe that i can be just as happy as the next person, like on my lowest days i think of daisy's and not death and on my highest i can think of you so much that you are there and not just a strong aroma that i smell at the slight thought of you. you encapsulated me and brought me to a new place of a higher being and yet you haven't quite seen what i know... you are what keeps my head above water when i so desperately want to drown, you anchor me in place where i once couldn't imagine staying still, and you make my mind roam so free like a herd of wild horses running from the awful storm to the place they feel safe and that is me beside you. When i'm in your arms i know no harm can come to me, i am an untouchable object to pain and i am no friend of death, and when we part ways like Moses did the red sea a single tear will slip because once again i tip starting to slowly find my way to the waters edge where i'm surely not in my own head... i'm lost and you know just where to find me and you make it in just a nick of time before the damage is done and you bring the sun with you to dry up the puddles that have escaped my eyes, you bring the happiness i've longed for after the mere hours of being apart and yes you might call this being to dependent... but when you've been alone for so long you latch on to the one who makes you feel like you've never felt before and you hold on to that. because that's an undeniable love that i never want to fade like my washed out blue jeans, i want it to grow like the wildflowers you can find on any local road and i want it to stay like the pain did for so long, so replace the pain and come cuddle up... show me the love that makes my heart run amuck and sing in the breeze i would've once complained of being stuck..." ~m.a.g