If I were to break, I would want you to pick up my broken pieces.

But right now, I don’t want you touch me.

Because if you touch me, I’ll let you break me again.

When I first saw your sweet smile
When you first allowed me into your life
When you first gave me the satisfaction to call you my person
I fell for you.

When I first heard your amazing laugh
When you first kissed me with your tender lips
When you first gazed at me with your dark eyes
I fell for you.

When you first disappointed me
When you first led me on
When you first tried to pick up the pieces
I fell for you.

When you first cut into my heart
When you first let the blood spill
When you first felt my intense pain
I fell for you.

And now that I feel my worth for the first time,
I've realized something.

I realized that if you gave me one more shot,
I would still fall for you.

I feel wrong. Uneasy. Unable.
Why can’t I stop this idea of wanting to break myself down?
I shut out every emotion every day
I was taught to ignore pain to make other people happy
And now it’s coming back to bite me.

Now all of this emotion is coming up
In chunks
In tears
In sorrow
In anger
In depression
In panic
In hate
In shutting people out
In aggression
But I cannot do anything about it.

God, how I miss you and the way things used to be between us.
Don’t you remember us?
I remember knowing everything was going to be okay.
I remember a sense of stability between us.
I remember being able to run to you because I knew it would be okay.

But now?
I’m scared to think of stability because it isn’t real.
It’s a fantasy that I’ve drilled into my brain in order to try to convince myself that you would WANT me.
I mean, I did think you wanted me.
For a long time, I really thought that you would want me.
But now?

I can’t.

And what doesn't help is I can’t say anymore to you than what's already been said.

I can’t.

I can’t because I don’t want to hurt you the way that you’re hurting me.