It has been two months
four days, and sixteen hours
since I last picked up a pen.
I'm sorry. I'm ready now.
I'm here.

You broke your promise.

I keep expecting the phone to go off
"I'm sorry, I was just ******* with you."
And I'd yell that you had no idea
how much that hurt.

I didn't see it coming (who does?)
We were laughing and then
I was crying.

I keep remembering the good things about you.
You made me happy again,
I stopped seeing my shrink (stupid idea)
You made me take off my mask.

You were the one person I trusted not to leave
I'd even have nightmares about it,
but you promised me that you were
here forever.

*******.

I'm wading in gray water, it lures me
I'm waiting for a dream to choke on now
The music crescendos when I scrape knees
But me and the dancer still take our bow
The water kisses my lips then my nose
I'm gone because I never met happy
For the cons will always outweigh the pros
But you never saw me being sappy
"I love you! Be mine!" the water will say
And I gladly submerge myself in it
The whales will come and carry me away
I'll find my Becoming an Undine kit
Suffice it to say I could never dream
Of such a silent, so hidden a scream

We became creatures again
trying to pass for human
disguises made up only of lies
but that’s okay
because, well,
who could it hurt?
We’ll be mercenary wolves
hunting down anyone
who figures out the truth
and we’ll leave
with tails—heads high
because we fooled everyone

We want.
We are wanting.
We car-crash our bodies beautiful
and relish in the pieces.
And we are scared.
We see the eyes of people,
our people,
who long to live in a world
where they aren't hated.
We cry for them.
For us.
We scream it in our music
and whisper it in writing.
The price for wanting:
guilt and shame.
But we still show up
because the absurdity of being us
it what keeps us living.

Machines with an infinite
capacity for self-deception.
To avoid pain we rationalize
minimize
go numb.
Instead we turn to
things that should make us happy
but only hurt
like getting wasted.
We run away
again and again and again.
Again.
We tell ourselves
that we are happy,
putting on smiles tailored
to dead eyes.
We don't consider that maybe
rebellion to this system
is the only way.

Room messy from
frustration of bottled in
feelings,
arms ****** from
breaking glass,
voice gone from screaming.
I'm exploding.
And I can't stop it.