I know you love me, but
what will it take to make you like me again?

mom left the water running in the kitchen
I can hear its profane drip
it's naked, molesting my eardrums
like the men they tell you not to approach
and the people who get cited for disturbing the peace
it's irregularity haunts me
the precious water (or is it *****?)
flows down the drain and I can't help but shiver
as I listen to its profane drip.

is it sickening to your stomach?
is it sickening to someone else's stomach?
if no, then your answer should be
"why the hell not"
if yes, then your answer should be
"why the hell do you think I would"

would anyone like to kiss me?
i feel there is something i have not paid back
and this ring does not fit me the way yours did
everyone i have kissed has told me they don't know how
and i guess, even after a few times, neither do i,
but my room is cold at night, and my back hurts, and the sun has set
and even that thunderstorm has passed, so now i sit
to delay the inevitable roll of my sleep, and i delve into my own mental fog
but your picture next to me makes it clear again-
when i think of you, i don't feel so alone.

I felt a weight lift off of me
when I realized that what is most important about me
is not this. It is not my grades, it's not my intelligence, it's not what I do within these walls
what's most important about me is more than that
my life is more than this.

There's so much within me
so many years of memories that I don't have time to think about
I'm constantly on my phone or stressing about
the problems of the day, but the truth is that
my life has been long and will be long- there are
people who have changed me for the better and the worse
there are thrilling memories and terrifying memories
there are firsts and lasts and drunkenness and heart pitter-patters
fair lights and dubstep songs and harmonicas and the taste
of numbing on my tongue, warmth and palm trees
and jolts in my heart, sisters and dances and love and weddings
there are moments that should have been kisses but weren't
there are moments that were kisses and shouldn't have been
there are people I have loved and lost, people that
have slipped away, people that told me they'd never let go
and we woke up five feet from each other
there are so many tears shed for so many different reasons
so much love for me and so much love from me
and it's all been worth it. And there's so much more to go.

And it's a shame that it ends this way with nothing left to say
So just sit on your hands, while I walk away
It's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame
When my hands begin to shake, when bitterness is all I taste
And my car won't stop 'cause I cut the brakes
I hold on to a hope in my fate.

May you return to love one day.
Well, I hope and I pray
you get what you gave.

I take myself way too seriously
for a self-driven lump of meat
spinning on a rock through
finite and deadly space

people seek only what they perceive to cause them good
people need attention, everything you or I do is for attention
I would not be posting poems on the internet if I did not want affirmation
you do nothing 'for yourself' or 'because I like to'
you 'like to' for a reason, because it serves some benefit
people are manipulative, they will use speech and body language to get what they want
people lie and steal and hurt
but they do it not because they know it is evil-
no, no one chooses to do an action that will cause them evil-
they do it because they are selfish
because the survival and progression of an individual
depends on the strength of his own self-interest
and it is in our nature to be selfish, that is just how we are
and the sooner we are honest about it, the better
for people can improve and work to benefit others
(but that will never be purely altruistic- benefiting others makes you happy-
therefore people give to others for themselves)
there are so many negative connotations to
'attention-seeking' and 'manipulative' when that is what each of us do,
every single day,
destroy these stigmas surrounding the truth-
the truth is, we are selfish,
but that is okay,
because that is who we are,
and that is who we have to be-
I have come to terms with this because I had to
you can never expect people to be more than they are
you must love them for all of them, rather than just the parts that are good or easy
all we have is each other and we cannot ignore that
because you have a choice in this world:
be ignorant of what people are, and hate them
be knowledgable of what people are, and hate them
be ignorant of what people are, and be deluded
or be knowledgable of what people are,
and learn to love them anyway.

no matter how many smooth veneers
we polish over our faces, no matter what color
or type of mask it is, it's still a mask- smiling
or criticizing, it's still a mask. I'd rather wash
all the ******* and overused phrases off of my soul.
I'd rather grow a backbone than think the world is all sunny
because it isn't. I'd rather grow a backbone than think
the world is all indifferent and miserable
because it isn't. I'd rather be myself than force other people
to listen to me or try and make everybody like me.
I'd rather have a good time when times are good
and have a bad time when times are bad than fake it
one way or another. Optimism and pessimism both
dull our senses, they both hurt our perceptions of truth.
The mountains and the valleys exist; a plain, no matter
the average elevation, is still a plain.

Music is the hidden voice inside us
not just what we're thinking, but how we're thinking it, too
and it's a secret look into the depth of someone's psyche
an intensely personal glance
into what you have in common
with other humans-
what it is that makes their heart beat faster,
like yours does,
when you see that girl, or that boy.
It's this deep soul-connection you have
with the person dancing beside you, because they
have different stories but the same feelings
and that's the closest we can get to love.
By the very nature of the act,
there's nothing impure, nothing untruthful, nothing wrong.
"What is it that makes you feel alive?"
"...I'll play you a song."

I never thought I would like music like that
didn't, really, when I first heard it, and then
beyond my own choice, without noticing, I found
myself pressing repeat, again, and again
and I found the cool wet not-thirst scraping the bottom
of my throat, I found the choking feeling form behind
my ears, I found the top of my mouth weighing down,
my eyes sunk and the corners of them stung and
I know the feeling as his croon filled my head, laying it heavy
with rhyme and metaphor, unique experience that hit
a bit too close to home. "It's just me, it's only me that has ever felt this way,
only me that has ever loved you," he sang, and I knew: "Me too."

but at the same time, it worries me.
what if you don't think I'm worth
figuring this out? and you want someone
to just be there and laugh with, for easy access
and I'm too complicated and carry too much baggage?
my biggest fear is when I tell you how I feel
you'll say, "nope, can't deal with that." and just
emotionally check out. like what y'all did to that
other guy who had a crush on E. simple solution:
ignore him and make him feel isolated, alienated
until his feelings go away.
I'm so scared you don't value me enough to
even want to spend time with me.
and I can't be absolutely sure how you feel
and you probably don't even care particularly about my welfare.
maybe I'm just imagining you'd be willing to work
on our friendship, even.
maybe I'm just imagining you ever valued me as much as I valued you.
and the worst part is that I can picture you reading this, shrugging, shaking your head and saying, "she's right. I really don't care that much."

My body is a fluid thing, supple,
unwilling-to-be-controlled
not exactly lanky, because I'm not that skinny,
but well-proportioned
and not too muscular
but just muscular enough around the leg area.
My body is a fluid thing,
it matches my mind-
tall, not-cumbersome,
it flops and fits into any kind of space
flexibly curls into various positions
is comfortable changing but uncomfortable in the wrong clothes
My body is a fluid thing
I feel as though my joints are constantly shifting around
in their soft sockets
to be molded and to collapse
in a different place every time
and to relax, and form to its container
like liquid into a glass.
If my mind is fire, my body is the water
that surrounds and protects it
and seems to be perfectly matched and complimentary
to the flames that lay buried deep within my chest.

make fun of my church all you want
you can say it preaches hate
but please,
all the saints and fathers and doctors
have never taught anything but love
and forgiveness
I have never been taught anything that says
"judge thy neighbor"
or "cast the first stone"
so for you to say
you don't like what the catholic church teaches
what, exactly, don't you agree with?
"help the poor, clothe the naked, comfort widows"
"love thy neighbor as yourself"
"spread your joy and your light"
"be willing to give your life for your friends"
honestly. what are you talking about?
the catholic church is not a business
it is not corrupted,
you sound like the erudite who believed
the purely selfless were corrupt
because that's a lie.
the holiest, kindest, most gracious people
run this church
and our doors are always open
we feed the hungry, shelter the homeless
the we have our arms ready to embrace anyone who needs it
and we find pure happiness in everything we do
What more do you want?
What is our religion doing wrong?

It is not a regulated code,
nor a law of Scripture.
No one can tell you how to feel,
or when to feel it,
or if what you're feeling is even genuine.
We don't measure the skip of a heartbeat in
'blips per second'
and when it's broken, there's no exact way to fix it.
That's why it's so hard, I think,
for most people to learn how to love, because
there is no 'this-is-how-to-do-it',
guidebook called 'Love for Dummies'
and who can tell you if you're 'strong' or not
that's not their business because
it's YOUR feelings
and they can't get inside your head or heart
and measure the blips-per-second
to tell you, 'No, that isn't love,'
or 'you're weak,'
because only YOU know if you're strong
only YOU can tell if you're in love.
it's fascinating, actually
like 'is my color red the same as your color red'
or do we just call them the same thing?'
is the way I love the same way that you love?
they talk about those butterflies
but it's more like I'm about to head down a
roller coaster
and butterflies are too gentle.
Strong is relative.
Love is relative.
Define yourself because no one else can.
and be careful, be very careful, my dear,
to make sure you get the definition you deserve.
You only get one.

"what's your favorite book?"
"oh, you mean aside from the Bible and the collected works of Plato?"
"yeah"
"the art of racing in the rain"
"like jumping and skipping through a field in a rainstorm?"
"no. like racecar driving while it's raining."
"is that a metaphor?"
"the whole book is a metaphor."
"books like that are ******."
"books that aren't like that are ******. if there's no hidden meaning then you have a ****** author."
"point taken. but wouldn't a good author let you take the meaning yourself and not pointedly write it in?"
"a good author does both; but the pointedly written in part is written so that you can't even tell it was on purpose."
"is the art of racing in the rain by a good author?"
"absolutely."
"so what's the meaning?"
"read the ******* book."
"no, just tell me the meaning."
"you create your life, man. everything you did led up to this moment. you made the problems so you have to react to them faster than at speed. it's- it's like in a race, if it's raining, then you have to spin your car out before it spins itself out, because that's the only way you can solve the problem, you see? and if you can't stop looking at the wall then you're gonna run into the wall. like if you accept a terminal diagnosis, you're gonna die. you have to look away. you create your future by accepting it and refusing to change it. you can also create your future by writing your own story in the way you want it."
"I don't get how a message like that is explained through racecar driving."
"read the book and you will."
"okay."

losing control of my own body
going crazy
being not good enough
hurting someone else
loneliness
dying in my sleep
that my parents actually hate me
going to hell
not living up to my own expectations
serving the wrong religion
not getting into college
losing parts of myself
becoming numb

he made me feel warm and liked but not hot, not loved
he was light sparks and a buzz in my stomach but in front of everyone
I was in a shell and we were a fuzzy, faded headache
soft and stupid and that strange smell, I still have his t shirt
and his lips were so soft that I spent the next week
pressing mine to each other because I could hardly believe
that love was so close, so familiar, that it tasted so much
like a sensation that I already knew, like something that I already had felt
many times before.

the first time I kissed a girl, I tasted her spit for days and my mouth still doesn't feel clean
she asked permission, and I pulled her close to me
and it was very sudden and wet and slimy,
and I was holding her body on top of me in our bathing suits
my heart was beating ten thousand miles per hour
it was so sunny and she was looking at me like she couldn't breathe
but I could. I could breathe. I only started suffocating when I realized that
the first time I kissed a girl, I kissed the wrong girl.

nothing is black and white except life and death
and even love can be tainted by shades of grey.

This world is not unchangeable
in fact, my veins and yours
pulse through, pound out the drum
rhythm of marches- changing patterns
walking over streets, marking
new paths. This world is not
unchangeable. I can, at any moment,
bring the kingdom of God. I can,
at any moment, turn dark into light
you can, your skin is the ground
your eyes are the oceans, your
fingernails carve canyons
my heart erupts free-flowing
****** rivers of magma- your heart
pours water through arteries of
rushing, gouging rivers. This world
is not unchangeable. Sadness is not
fixated, we do not move within an
immoving world of darkness
we are the world, we spin it on our
joking fingers, we sweat the rain
onto fields of good fruit. This
world is not unchangeable. We are
a changing people, and we are the world
so we can change the world. I promise.
We forget our own power the instant
we forget that we belong here- that
we are members of this race, that
we are not observers but participants.
We forget that we are not alone.
But if we, at last, remember that
our place is here, at home, that we have value,
we regain our ability to mark and enscribe
a new history, our own history.
This world is not unchangeable. Don't give up.

my heart craves something
anything.
lightning, love, hate, fire...
CLEAR!
jolt me, please,
electrify my veins, I've been still way too long-
CLEAR!
the last one like cholesterol
stopping the beats and starving me of oxygen
I don't want something to clog me again-
CLEAR!
I want fresh, free-flowing blood-
CLEAR!
I'll kiss anyone if it just
starts my heart again.
Please, God, start my heart again-
CLEAR!
"oh, well... looks like it's over."
"time of death?"

My heart, your heart
sit tight like book ends
pages between us, written with no end
so many words we're not saying
don't wanna wait til it's gone.

I want to write a million poems to someone
who will write them back to me
I want to scream my favorite song with someone
who will yell along with me and know every word
I want to give my favorite book to someone
who is willing to read it
I want to hold hands with someone
who loves to hold mine
I want to knit my soul to someone
who understands what that means
I want to give my life for someone
who would let me
I want to find my Jonathan in someone
who has been searching their whole life for their David.

the greatest irony is that I didn't get to choose when to let her go
and maybe because of that I will always feel the pain of her absence.

"I want you to meet the guy I'm dating
He's trans- don't tell mom and dad"
Well, *******.
you plan to introduce him to a man who won't call him a him
Or respect his wishes
who will behave rudely unnecessarily
and a woman who will instinctively think there is something wrong
with his personality
that he can't 'just be satisfied with what he was born with'
and will think there's something wrong, abnormal, weird, gross
I hope he's a good guy
and I hope my parents grow a couple more tolerant bones
Before they meet him
because I'm scared for you and him
and I hope it'll be alright.

you might(ormightnot) Be
asking what Is
the-sweetest-of
the berriestraw but

I tell
you
that

the sweetest is
theoneiamtasting
because i(t)
is

theoneiamtasting
and when

will you(they) realize
that
what i(you) wan
t things to Be
is what they are

and while i(you) hate the word
just/or/only-
wetogether ****
all that is just/or/only
within i(you)/i(you)!

but since is
all that is
everything is
just is
or only-
we have killed
alleverything
and are left with just/or/only death
as our
Companion.

our fragile lang
uage
taught us
everything is just/or/only
nothing
and if Fault is fault
and Sin is sin
then

it is our fault
it is God's fault too

o-u-r
G-o-d
in this, the frailgilist
of lang
uages
even the spelling of the you(i)
does not
determine(butitdoes)
what it really

Is.

and I would love you
until you *broke

Some things don't really change.
Not for me. They don't.

I love the smell of waking up early
because it reminds me of a time
when I loved none, and all
and even though I knew I must eventually go home,
I would never again have to feel alone.

soulmates with the soulmate of your soulmate
twin flames, but who did you burn?
I thought you were supposed to be fireproof.

Once is fine enough for me
to clap and to laugh about it
but some things: never again.

The best people in life are free.

walking on a tightrope of sunshine, swaying back and forth
but it shines even to the bottom- and the fall,
oh, the fall- is the deadliest of thrills.

have you always been the candy of my imagination?
at times, you seemed to break not-so-deliciously
at our midnight dinners
to plan for our circus of dreams
your crisp brown sugar was sickeningly sweet then
but now, as I read the words on the page,
I see only something delectable
and I have forgotten who you really were
I think that either you have mastered the art of shapeshifting
or my eyes are deceived-
either way, you are not who you once were
and the lines holding the circus together
are shattering, one by one.

I chose Joseph because while God called Mary to say "yes",
He asked Joseph to say "no". No to everyone around me,
no to the latest fashions and trends, no to my own fear
of what they all think, no to whatever it is within me that says no
no to those who tell me to ignore my heart,
no to those who tell me to listen to my heart at the cost of all else,
no to forgetting the meaning of truth,
no to "love", no to my own wants, no to selfishness,
no to everyone saying to "be myself",
no to giving up, no to saying yes.
God asked me to say no, and that will hurt a whole lot ******* more
than saying yes would ever have.

my heart still beats faster when you wear your hair down
and even when you wear your hair up
and even when you look like you'd rather not wear your hair at all
I still think you're one of the most lovely humans alive

Why, then, do our hearts demand complete, unconditional, individual love
when no one we know is capable of giving it?

Because we were made for that love. Christ's love.
Nothing else can possibly suffice.

Hazy stars and steep flat roads and a steamy car nearby
while the dim red butts buzzed around us
like bees, held in our hands, stinging our souls
and it wasn't beautiful. It was very ugly, and as
greenish smoke filled my lungs, I forget
things that I try not to remember, and now looking back
now that I've cried and repented and apologized,
it wasn't beautiful. It was humanity in our brutest
forms, begging for something higher, and we sank
low, low, low into our animalistic needs,
holding each other and falling and collapsing
into a car and hiding and chewing gum and falling
asleep with pleasantly buzzing senses and
staying awake at the same time and avoiding
eye contact with my parents the next morning.
It wasn't beautiful. I don't know how else to say it.

You show your age,
when you drown your rage.
But I see past those laughter lines,
so baby, lets split tonight,
I got a tank full of gas till light.

Yeah we can drive for miles and miles
But you just said,
"Not for all the love in the world"
"Not for all the love in the world"

Cause she didn't realize, now that's a lot of love.

Pipe dreams fade,
and all the underdogs get laid.
Left your heart in the hands of a jugglin clown.
And so you crave recognition,
but the keys to the city went missing

People are all puzzles to be figured out
But you just said,
"Not for all the love in the world"
"Not for all the love in the world"

Cause she didnt realize, now that's a lot of love.
Oh Oh

I guess that everybody,
went to a better party, oh no
Not for all the love in the world
Not for all the love in the world
But she didnt realize, now that's a lot of love.

if you want to be alone,
it's fine, I won't talk to you
I didn't talk to you last weekend either
I hope you're happy
I'm giving you a break
I'm not here for you,
I'm just alone tonight and
your sister offered to pick me up
and I want you to know I'm not trying
to be clingy
and I know you want a weekend alone
without me.
you didn't see me honestly all this week
and hopefully tonight you'll only get
a passing glance
but I won't isolate myself from my friends
just so you don't get ******* aggravated with me
. fine, I'll avoid you,
but my life won't go on shutdown for you.
It's not for you.
Nothing is for you.
Not anymore.

all the INTPs on the internet forums think us
ENFPs are crazy,
but the secret is: deep in your logical hearts,
behind the pretenses created by your ego,
and the smug superiority of the cold unfeeling,
you've blocked out the big picture,
so taken with the idea of analyzing that
you have not seen the layers upon layers of life
and forsaken cliches while forgetting,
there was a reason 'they' started saying them-
I am intelligent-
my emotions have been carefully processed
and approved, and the idea and truth
of emotions has been carefully processed and approved,
I have taken a look at life and poked around
in the bottom of it,
and determined my course of action-
I'm not here for logic or intelligence,
or to exist in a shell of my private world,
offering an occasional analysis of theoretical possibilities.
Logically, there is no real reason to do anything
fun or spiritual at all-
you can be completely alone and that is logical,
you can never leave the house and that is logical,
you can dislike most everything and that is logical,
look, if that's how you want to live your life,
and you're happy,
then fine; but the truth of the matter is,
you have a single life, and within it, you can choose
to be happy and live as fulfilled of an experience as possible.
it is illogical to waste the short years you've got.
it is illogical to spend them unhappy with your situation.
maybe it doesn't seem like wasting to you,
maybe you are happy disliking things,
but if you dislike something, doesn't that mean you
are unhappy with the presence of it?
it makes more logical sense to enjoy things and to
be filled with emotion,
(if you separate yourself and view objectively, that is)
a logical approach to day to day life kills emotion
but a logical approach to values makes you realize you desperately need it,
so if you can detach and apply to your existence as a whole-
there's a perfect reason to die and a perfect reason to live,
but the key is that living produces more endorphins.
so for my own sake,
and within my own values and truth and experience,
I'm here for the ride.

So, what's the deal with ******?
Why is it that there's this whole weird thing
associated with being unclothed,
as if we don't wake up and each of us
strip down for a completely naked shower,
and under our clothes, we're completely naked.
Why is it we spend so much time pretending our bodies don't exist
and fragilely hiding behind these pointless social
constructions about what and whom you should and shouldn't be,
why do we lie about who we are and cover it up
because it's not safe for children?
CHILDREN ARE THE SAME SPECIES AS US.
THEY ARE THE SAME SHAPE.
They get naked too.
and if they're not quite the same shape yet, why do we hide what they're going to become?
It's completely pointless to build walls and act as if they were set there by someone other than ourselves, we've given each other amnesia, it's always 'they', it's always 'society', that did it.
Why do we create all these rules and desperately
struggle to follow them as if we weren't the ones
who wrote the rule book and we aren't the ones
who can erase it?
Why does he cover his emotions because he's scared to be called gay or too feminine?
Why does she wear long sleeves or look down when you talk to her?
It's not because of some conniving voice in all of our heads,
an imaginary force,
It's every time you made a sarcastic joke about people who defied the norm
and every time you yourself were afraid to break it,
you built the walls and now you're suffocating within them.
I see you, there, hiding, just like me, and it's painful to repress it, isn't it? It hurts because there's something more we're longing to do, somewhere else we're longing to be.
What is it that is so broken within ourselves that
we can't be raw and we can't be free and we can't kiss random strangers when we want to?
****** isn't dangerous if you don't hurt
and you don't make someone else feel vulnerable
or like they're trash for displaying
the image of God.
Why are we hiding the image of God?
Why do we cover our hearts like they're shameful to show?
We are born into this world naked and our parents
try to instill this ridiculous idea in our heads
that we can't share our innermost thoughts, we mustn't display,
"society won't like that"
YOU. ARE. SOCIETY.
I am a member of this universe, just like you,
and I was born naked and I take showers naked
and when we get up on stage, we're naked
and late at night, we're naked,
and when we cry, we're naked.
WHY ARE THERE ANY SECRETS LEFT WHEN WE ARE ALL HUMAN?
I have pain and joy, just like you, so show me.
My goal is to unclothe the knights in shining armor
because I don't care about the armor, I care
about his heart.
I will strip down these walls dividing you and me,
because I want to know everything about all people.
I want to unravel the secrets deep within God's mind.
I want to open the doors that are locked,
and I want to see you naked.

with our minds and eyes skimming far over the oceans, picking up sprays
we find that while we go places, we see the same waves
and the same fish, occasionally leaping-
if we take the time to slow down and dive beneath
we would realize how much we are missing.

Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth. Do not forget what you are worth.

I never wanted to be different
I just wanted to be *special

little, and broken, but good
yeah, still good

kissing someone is like all the buzzing and all the chatter
wars fought behind my eyes and choirs of angels
screams of demons, the screeching and aching of
a man as he falls, the grating of Earth's plates and
crumbling of mountains, breezes over grassfields
crackling lightning and shuddering thunder,
pounding heart and throbbing arteries, the echo
of a pulse beat through the hospital room,
nail-biting and foot-tapping and dilemmas and expression
art and logic and worth and failure and love and war
comes to silence. I feel nothing.
My heart, which did beat fast, is calmed and soothed
as soon as my lips touch anothers'.
The buzz of electricity in my veins finds its way
through the wire, and the circuit is complete.
There is peace. There is no more world
there is just two people, two people who
promised not to promise anymore
is this blindness? Is this deafness?
Is this completion and fulfillment?
Will it feel different next time, with someone else?
Is this how everyone else feels?
Is this how the person opposite me feels?
Is this how I feel? Is this alright? Am I okay?
I am okay. You're telling me I'm okay without speech.
Silence. This is it.