If I could write a poem by just throwing a bunch of imagery
on a page, then I would. And I do. For example, this weekend
was pounding floods filling up homes and clogging minds
thunderously down hills, lightning and fear, and then it was
fire in the sky and heat, steaming the water back up,
sunlight, sunburns, tank tops, sitting on concrete
running through the mud, staying up late, plans not made,
snowballs, dried throats, black coffee, red skies, board games
grass to wet to sit on, sleepy eyes, the first hint of summer, trees blooming,
washing our legs in the lake, school canceled, getting work done, with friends forever.
Soon I will be free. Am I not already free?
We talk about our futures and sing songs like we're
all gonna make it. Have we made it? Will we be alright?
Time rolls onward and forward and seasons pass and change
and I have my own car now. I will be eighteen years old soon.
I hope God stays with me. I hope I stay with God.

can I taste the sky?

and somehow you kicked all my walls in
I am foolishly completely falling
I know how it goes for day and night
never together, for they see things in a different light
there's always room for common ground
riding on a wind and I can't give up
I think I'm gonna win this time
it's taking it's taking all I've got
I'm like a boat on the water
you're the raise on the waves that calms my mind
and I can't see two feet in front of me
only half a blue sky, kind of there but not quite
I'm walking round with just one shoe
I'm half a heart without you
half a man at best- with half an arrow in my chest
tell me with your mind, body, and spirit
but do you really wanna be alone?

calm. calm.
I can't let on, I can't display
the way your touch makes my heart race
the way you've been hinting at something more
underneath the surface,
I'm swimming to shore- I'm drowning in you
the light on your face as you're asleep
the silence of your heart that you keep
and let slip
because we're getting closer and closer
at an astonishing clip
and I can't help but tell you
I love you.
But how to say it?

"'Thou mayest rule over sin," Lee said. That's it. I do not believe all men are destroyed. I can name you a dozen who were not, and they are the ones the world lives by. It is true of the spirit as it is true of the battles - only the winners are remembered. Surely most men are destroyed, but there are others who like pillars of fire guide frightened men through the darkness. 'Thou mayest, Thou mayest!' What glory! It is true that we are weak and sick and quarrelsome, but if that is all we ever were, we would, millenniums ago, have disappeared from the face of the earth. A few remnants of fossilized jawbone, some broken teeth in strats of limestone, would be the only mark man would have left of his existence in the world. But the choice, Lee, the choice of winning! I had never understood it or accepted it before. 'Thou mayest rule over sin.'"

There's nothing wrong with you.
Never has been, never will.
You might look for something to be fixed
and I know you won't feel fulfilled.

It's okay.
You're okay.
Promise me this:
to spend one night
in unfaithful bliss.

Forget all your dreams
your pain, your sorrow
please put it off
and wait til' tomorrow.

Maybe not even then.

Promise me you'll be okay.
It's actually easy to swear-
you already are. There is no 'when?'
There is no 'where?'

isn't it strange
the names we give our pets?
the names they'll never know?

your sin is not weighed against the sins you prevented
because you cannot achieve a moral end through immoral means

there's more than you
sure, we're all at the center of our own spiderwebs
pulling and grasping at each other,
and we all think we're the center of everyone elses' as well
the sun to their globes, but as stars, we
twinkle through the atmosphere and fade again,
leaving nothing, no lasting mark on our orbits
you think your star is the brightest in my sky
but honey, I'm the brightest.
I am my own star.

Maybe kissing won't
make it better,
like mom always told us,
when we had a scrape or a scratch;
maybe this cut is too deep for
a little peck
maybe we need
a full on makeout session
to make it better.
You wanna try?

day by day, minute by minute,
I know my future holds more
I learn how much I am worth.

I wanna linger a little longer
mmm, a little longer here with you
where the hot rain soaks through my clothes
so I take them off
and we run together, feet pounding on the rocks
and hearts racing neck to neck
and I want to hold hands in the dark to sing
and I want to be cold and be warm
and wake up together again.

We made a fire; went down in the flames.
We sailed the ocean, and drowned in the waves.
Built a cathedral, but we never prayed.
We had it all, yeah, and we walked away.

Point of no return and now it's just too late to turn around.
I try to forgive you but I struggle cause I don't know how.
We built it up so high and now I'm falling,
it's a long way down.
It's a long way down, from here.

We had a mountain, but took it for granted.
We had a spaceship, but we couldn't land it.
We found an island, but we got stranded.
We had it all. Who could've planned it?

Point of no return and now it's just too late to turn around.
I try to forgive you but I'm struggling cause I don't know how.
We built it up so high and now I'm falling,
it's a long way down, from here.
Such a long way down...
It's a long way down.
It's a long way down.
Such a long way down...
It's a long way down.
It's a long way down.

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born
then it's time to go and define your destination.
There's so many different places to call home.

Because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written
It's plain to see that sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemption.

I feel sick
sick of you, sick of most everyone
sick of being tired and sick of being sick
I am fine and I am alive but there are corrosive chemicals around me
I am the most beautiful, unique creation, the summit and foundation
of this Earth- as a human person I am limitless but
I feel a poison eating away at me and I know exactly what to do to avoid it
for there are only a few who make me feel whole,
a few people, a few situations-
and I do not want to be fixed, I do not need that, no mortar or
molds to repair, all I need
is to stop being eroded- bit by bit,
and to stop crumbling into the deep-
and from there, I can repair myself-
I am good enough now
stop tearing me down,
I would like to shake off whatever chains have been laid on me
for though my body is restricted,
my soul is deeply, unbelievably free.

most people burn me alive but you
you are a warm fire after a long time skiing
you are hot chocolate on a winters day
I know you love the cold- so you are the warmth
that makes it bearable, enjoyable
for a summer girl like myself-
you are the sun in my cold day, the snowflake
that doesn't sting so much as it used to
maybe we are the warmth and the cold, counteracted
balanced, together, in shifting seasons- day and night
and maybe you don't love me
but maybe we are perfect for each other.

so many times I wondered, Lord,
why you gave me love with no reward
and now I know, the secret has been told-
the whole ****** time you were trying to save my soul.

"A masterpiece is still a masterpiece when the lights are off and the room is empty."

weep for yourself my man
you'll never be what is in your heart
weep, little lion man,
you're not as brave as you were at the start.

I think that in my deepest
most earnest desires to become a storybook character
to become the famed romance and the interesting lover
someone from whom people hide things and treat
with great gravity, I have forgotten how to run
and scream like a child, and love like a baby-
I have descended from the ceiling, surrounded by mist
donning my cloak and shrouding my figure with mystery
what is my figure? where is my figure? who am I?
I am not in this world any longer;
I am the stuff of legends,
and I will never be able to touch the earth again.

clear blue fabric lines the streets
before my eyes, it is punched through
and then repaired, by warm-colored fingers
of people, standing there, afraid to linger
but their eyes pierce the veil of silence.
I've turned my music down and taken
off my sunglasses to listen to the smell
of light, it's gnarled and frosty and soothing
breezing and ruffling, something a bit too tough
an athlete of a wind, not concerned with me
approaching a higher goal, playing rough
through my hair, content to let it be
but not- at the same time. We
change the world we live in, regardless
of intentions. Flow through my vents
or my windows, I don't care, I
will still breathe you in and inhale your scent
even though I try to drive so far as to leave you behind
the seasons pass, grow, and fade away
I forget the worlds in which we used to play
something in the careless whisper, I can hear the ocean
in your heartbeat. It's a word that you say.
It's you, shaking your hair down, in one particular way.
And it's me, driving and forgetting and learning to give you away.
Day by day. Day by day.

I wish I didn't know how that feels.
I wish I didn't know how a lot of things feel.

"It's hard to see God through a curtain of bombs."

we're not even on speaking terms any more

I should not and will not censor my own feelings.
I take precautions: talk to whom I trust, block those I don't
I do these things explicitly because I don't want to make things messy
I don't want things reaching certain ears, so I do what I think is best
but everyone deserves to express their feelings without fear,
everyone deserves to talk about their pain without being taken the wrong way,
so if you want to know, ask me. If not, *******.
I've kept myself quiet for too long. I deserve to work through things
and heal in peace. No one asked anybody to go out of their way to read
what I have to say. Let me say it again.
No one asked anybody to go out of their way to read what I have to say.
Unless I told someone something face to face or consented
explicitly to their knowledge about something, it's none of their business
and frankly, if you think you can make an assumption then you know nothing
about my life. If you want to leave me be, leave me be. Let me deal.
If you want to be a part of my life, then do so, talk to me.
But don't talk about me. You waste your time and mine.

the stage crackles and throbs with sweat and spit
as his energy pulses through the crowds- our veins
are end-to-end with our hands pumping, holding
him up. He knows who we are and what we deserve.
We, the people, he fights for us- in every sense of the word
he stands for every single person in this country
and every single person in the world.

everybody tells you that you shouldn't ever be guilty
and that there's nothing wrong with us all along
but then they say to themselves, "what's wrong with me" and
"why do I feel inadequate" and I think the problem
is that we all know, we all know there's something
deeply, deeply wrong with us- no matter how much
we try and tell ourselves that it's not there or it's alright
or that it's good because God made it that way.
It's still wrong, and we still know it, in our essence.
I don't think I'm at fault for looking at myself and saying
"there are my flaws" and "I am indeed broken"
because even though it looks and sounds the same
as "what's wrong with me" and "why do I feel inadequate"
the difference is that I have exposed the wounds on my own soul
rather than covering and letting them fester; the Christian Church
tells me "Here is where you are cut" and "Here is the burn-mark"
thank God, honestly, because where healing is concerned, without
knowing my own wounds, I wouldn't have a place to start.

if only there was a logarithm to solve for
how much of someone else is in you
and whether or not it's still you
when there's another there

we learn from each other, we do,
but how much is lessons and how much is
usurption? when does a soul cut into
yours, or does it just build on it?

I remember when I thought I wouldn't be whole
without someone, and I remember when
someone thought they couldn't be whole without me
so I agreed, and I left her as just a piece

who does this make me? what do I say I am
and in the eyes of God and all the angels and saints and people
whose eyes matter? which watcher can tell me?
where does it stop? When does it go?

when you run make sure you run
to something and not away from

we're all just broken beauties with hot glue and duct tape
messing around with each other's hearts, sometimes burning ourselves
or each other, sometimes dropping things, or fixing it haphazardly
one half bigger than its opposite, or the seams straining and showing,
and yet, it's still art. We're still art.

"Don't overthink it. Accept it. It is a gift."
and thank you, God.

The family of Edgar Allan Poe must feel conflicted
"My grandfather was a great man," they'd say.
"Didn't his family disown him?" the others contradicted.
Leave him in the dust? Spit on his ashes?
The life of this poor ignorant wastrel,
Alcoholic, joining the ranks of *****,
No one to help him or care for
the name who became great, under the shadow of his glasses
the invisible-giant, not recognized, "his wife was a *****,"
No, no, no, Edgar. Not today.
Your confused sexuality is really gay,
The cousins jeer and aunts-uncles jibe
Great poets, queens alike do cry
At the works of this man, at the end of the day,
(we don't really care if he lived or died,)
"It was the other side of the family that did it.
Not I."

for a moment, the waters clear, and the mud
stops swirling, and the dust settles on the rocks
I can see up from the riverbed and no longer
what I see is just a reflection of you
when I look to my right, you aren't lying next to me
like I thought- the light is streaming through my
bleary eyes, a cold-water shock and I'm awake,
but still drowning.

September is the beginning of something, and August is the end
in April we learn to love, February we pretend
March is the slow muddy month, May is exuberant joy
January revives the world, December worlds destroy
June is the month of freedom, July the month of age
November freezes you locked in time, October turns the page.

I said your name and you barely turned around
When you saw me, you looked away
and put on a little frown
What is it? Can you tell I'm (gay?)
Or are you just ******, or down?
I love you far too much to see you this way
But maybe it's not you, it's me
The beautiful dances we used to execute
Were not what they will be
I'm not sure what's going on with you
You avert your eyes and don't reach or conclude,
Tarry a bit too short, dislike spending time,
I won't pretend I'm anyone else's but mine.
The light in your eyes, what's made them see and lose?
Is it me you hate?
Is there nothing I can do?

I hope it broke your heart but I know it didn't
and now I have to look up at my own stars
learn to stop pretending you ever cared
to stop pretending it all ends up fair, my heart
and your heart are not *******, we are
drifting, weightless, the waves broken
cresting over and sinking one but not the other
I'm a kid playing Risk and I'm stuck in Austrailia
and when I lose, I cry out for my mother
and so do you. But you can't win them all.
I miss loving you but I have to move on now
I have to get over it. It's been about a year since
whatever happened began to happen, but since
it ended there have been new and fresh wounds
repeatedly pouring salt into my bleeding heart
and I'm sorry I can't stop bleeding but no amount
of cauterization or pressure can staunch the flow
when I need to keep beating to keep me whole.
I'm sorry I still care and you don't. I'm sorry hearts don't break even.
I'm sorry if you ever read this because I don't want you to.
I just want to be able to keep breathing when I see you.
I'm doing fine, really. It just hurts sometimes.

we're all letting ourselves get so wounded so deeply by so many people

The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

give me quiet music and quiet people any day
stop saying 'I think', it's obvious, isn't it, that you think
we all think, and that's why we're speaking, or not,
depending on the mood, give me a soft bed and warm food any day
I used to throttle myself on rollercoasters, I used to want
to run dry and smoke, and fester in the sun
follow your heart, they say, but what they don't realize
is that your heart changes directions- it is no compass
pointing towards your destiny- it is a tour guide
gently leading you along the scenic route this way and that
so follow it, maybe it won't lead you where you think
and it for sure won't leave you there for long
before you embark on another journey.

I am so uncomfortable
you're so uncomfortable
maybe we can be exceedingly uncomfortable together
or maybe
we
might
just
*click

do you ever read a book that wakes you up inside

i eat chocolate chips like they're a drug and i'm trying to overdose
i bake brownies like they have more than just flour in them
i read and write like it's a shot directly into my veins
of pure, unadulterated experience, golden and black
i dance like i'm on adderall i stole from my sister
my nostrils smell tea like the leaves are *******
life is my drug, ******, and it's ridiculous to say
and my friends would make fun of me for it,
but i'm tired of calling things ridiculous and having to monitor
if i'm being uncool enough to mention it,
so i'm **** proud that life is my drug,
i get high on memories
and trip on late nights,
laying broken on the floor,
only to be healed again by a hug or a kind word,
life's a drug,
and i'm addicted.

Is love so fragile and the heart so hollow?
Shatter with words, impossible to follow
You're saying I'm fragile, I try not to be
I search only for something I can't see.

I have my own life.
And I am stronger than you know.

love is more than these ****** stupid tiny ****** ******* cuntfucking
***** ***** ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* tightass ***** feelings

you are free up to the moment you die
and because of that,
death is the only thing that can destroy your freedom
you may move your arms and your legs and
no one can make you do
anything while you are alive, the only time this ceases
is when your brain lacks the autonomy because it no longer fires
there is no such thing as destruction of autonomy,
that is a delusion- autonomy is always present
because death cannot exist at the same time you do
once it is gone, you are there
when it is there, you are gone,
your movement and your life is your free will
while you have life, you are never restricted
unless you restrict yourself-
death, and dying, and killing
is the only time anyone else can truthfully, honestly
take what is yours.

don't look around 'cause love is blind
and darling right now, I can't see you.
I'm feeling proud, so without a doubt, I can feel you
'cause we are who we are when no one's watching
and right from the start, you know I got you.

They know you walk like you're a god, they can't believe I made you weak.

you can have all the good intentions in the world
but if you did it, then you did it.

You're not ******* winning. No one wins.

"and now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good."