I could feel your heart beating
but not exactly from the location
where a heart usually beats
and you grabbed my head in your hands
and I kept thinking about kissing you
but it's not about you
it's never about you
it's just that I'm lonely and want to touch anybody
it's like a desperate hunger or thirst now
I'm suffocating without the feeling
of lips on lips
It's been too long since my last kiss
and I'm a little tired and broken
forever spiritually moving
never physically or even in my relationships
all my intelligence and insight
can't get me a **** make-out session
For all the violin and basketball and singing and poetry and character in the world
I haven't been able to win anyone's heart
please, let me win someone's heart
and preferably their body along with it.

Jesus was a communist
let's be honest
"All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need”
Acts 2:44-45
"Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.""
Matthew 19:21
"Woe unto you who are rich"
"Woe unto you who are rich"
"Woe unto you who are rich"
luke 6:24
we live in a world of woe
people base their political decisions on their personal greed
and stamp on it a 'christian conservative'
mark that they mass-produced in their factories
and they sit in their houses with their pools while there's children starving
in our capitalist society,
most greedy wins
survival of the worst character
they sit on our backs like the cats they're called but they aren't soft
they spit in our faces and they claw us
"we had to make our own way in our generation"
well in your generation it wasn't so unbalanced and tipped and **** near impossible, was it?
we live in a monetary nation
where virtues are pride, ambition, manipulation
how did this free trade expedition go so horribly wrong
our government shuts down at the mere mention of free health care
God forbid everyone have health care
they call us the entitled generation
because we want some money for education
let me tell you something, it's the 21st century
people's vocations can lead them to supply for the whole **** population
we don't need this dog-eat-dog world
we need a location to start from,
the pacifists will fight,
occupy wall street because the
entitled generation is entitled to rights
like life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness
and free health care and equal opportunity for minorities
is not so objectionable that we must abandon all civilities
and throw strangers out of our gates
we are a country of immigrants
they deserve a chance too
because people are people
and all humans are endowed with certain unalienable freedoms
they're scared of communism because they think it will take away our choice
but the corporate world has destroyed any choices we make
limiting it to lucky born one percent
or slave to the rat race
with the cheese dangling right in front of our face
that's the cost of capitalism
a loss of choice, say goodbye to fair trade
fair isn't fair when we're suffering
a Godless world is one where we look down on the people next to us
so for God's sake
let's fight
revolutionize
because this is wrong, not just in my eyes, but in your eyes
when they take all we have and call it economy
take it from Jesus
let's live like hippies and commies
together with our brothers and our sisters
united in one body.

how would I film us together?
without making it sappy, ridiculous
because you hate that,
I would make it honest.
I would film
you alone
me alone
a shot of you falling off the bars at track
and me almost catching you
then a shot of us laughing in the car
a shot of me taking your ball
a shot of slapping your ****
a shot of laughing again
a shot of us cuddling together and falling asleep on the couch
a shot of you mumbling into your pillow about our hearts
a shot of you showing me the song
a shot of me learning to play it for you
a shot of it going all wrong
a shot of us dancing together
a shot of me glancing towards you
a shot of us dancing with other people
a shot of your face forlorn
a shot of me breaking my expression
a shot of me dancing alone
a shot of you alone
a shot of me playing the song
someone trying to sing along
and me putting up the ukelele.

You don't need to look at me like that
like you're a little bit in awe
and my fingers are encased in sugar
my eyes are made of pure gold
lungs of diamond
Don't look at me like that
stop looking at me like that
No one's ever stared at me
and meant it
So don't do it
stop it
unless you mean it

I am king,
I am mother,
I am unrequited lover,
I am hopeful,
I am vain,
just a child lost in pain,
I am proud, broke, confused
never touched a real life dude,
kissed a couple, broken laws
wiped off my ***** paws
despite your warnings and your threats
I took the knee, did not repress
what you thought I ought to
I am daughter,
I am son,
I am the unforgotten one,
I am weak but never torn
I stayed awake just for the morn'
I've slain dragons
I've breathed fire
I've earned her blessed long desire
I'm the soul
long-forgotten spark
I am the light
I'll lead you from the dark.

that's it again
the artistry of the curling hell
the mark of what was destroyed
and for some reason used as a metaphor for life
I look in the mirror and I see long, lean, noble
like a greek god, or goddess, someone gender ambiguous
with hair framing my face and jawlines ever reaching up
my body is beautiful and I shouldn't destroy it
I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
like whitman,
there is this strange dark attraction to
standing somewhere leaning against the wall
with my hood up as I watch the stars become clouded
and that warm friendly scent fills my clothes where no one wants to go
it's like a forest, a forest of embraces and thistles
something tragic and suave and slenderly beautiful
the workers in the yard light up daily
just like my sister when she's hanging out
always happy
or my grandfather on his patio with the parrot on his shoulder.
he lets her drink coffee sometimes,
and lets me drink in the air of his breath mingled with ash always.
I am the rolled tobacco, just ready to be lit, inhaled, and blown away
flammable, quick to go,
filtered, my body a slim cylinder,
the heat at the end catching the eye of children
I want to be united with that which I personify,
unhealthy, but **** cool looking.
It wouldn't surprise anyone-
where there's smoke, there's fire, they say;
maybe that's why I've always wanted a cigarette.

I just tried to type yes
and instead, typed Jesus
Freudian slip, maybe
because the Yes to my Lord and Savior
is the biggest and most important Yes
that I will ever say.

my legs are unshaven
somewhere between rabbit and goat
my thighs are muscled
more so now than ever
my face is freckled proportionally
with just the right amount of jawline
my feet are bony, like my hands,
long and strong
my torso melts into my legs and shoulders
my whole body is masculine
everything I am is built and molded
my heart is a knight, sun, yang
I dream of rocketing my person over obstacles
like someone who is not bound by estrogen
and having my abs ripple as I tear my
shirt off
grabbing it from the top of the back rather than
the awkward twisting thing
I am a man masquerading in a woman's body
admittedly, a tall, masculine-looking woman
but it still feels like it doesn't fit
like a temporary home
that was painted without you knowing
and everything shifted over to the left
three inches
and you know something is not right,
and I'm looking around, asking,
where are my wings?
where is my golden curly hair?
where is the fire in my eyes?
where is the easy athletic ability?
where is my old body?
why am I here?

we all started out afraid of the dark
but somewhere along the way
we forgot about the day
and whether it's happy or sad, day or night,
let's stop romanticizing darkness
and instead,
look to the light.

everybody wants to be right absolutely
but I, I am always wrong
and always right
so are you.
liberating, isn't it?
now all that's left is for us to understand each other.

I want to write something utterly brilliant
and all I can think about
are angels

treading on dark and dangerous waters
one false step, one moment of lost faith
and your shaken footing sends you down into the boiling deep.

"Do you believe in God?"
"no, I am my own God"
"are you happy?"
"yes. ...but also I am cutting and depressed and in pain constantly."
"doesn't sound like happiness."
"it's God's fault I'm unhappy. that's why I don't follow him."
"maybe it's your fault you're unhappy because you forgot about him and what he really is."
"if he was all-powerful, he'd make me happy."
"no one can make you happy. but following him, really following him, you will be. he is love."
"No, what about all the pain in the world? God caused that."
"God never caused pain. people caused pain when they abandoned God, but he never abandoned them. all the people who hate in the name of religion are misinterpreting it and don't know who God really is."
"whatever. he's not real anyhow."
"didn't you just blame him for all your problems?"
"..."

love is everything
our only hope
love does not begrudge small things
it does not judge or hate
it is not impatient
it does not jump to conclusions
it does not hold people to standards
it sees everything as joyous
accepts all
blesses all
seeks to understand without stereotyping
forgives every wrong
gives everything
does not hold back
love is what our hearts were meant for
it is everything
never hold back your love,
never say someone isn't worthy of it,
never condemn,
if God can love them, you can too
you are made in the image and likeness of God
your heart calls to him every moment
and he is love
so we were made
our very souls formed
in order to love and forgive and understand perfectly
so please, please
love with all your mind, heart, and strength.
that is the greatest commandment.
that is the only commandment.
love is everything.

I crave it,
the smell of raw earth that is fertile
and pregnant with anxiety
newborn vulnerability mixed with a ****** innocence
desire, pure and unfiltered
in its most childish and embarassing form
the smell of raw earth is what I live for
when the grass has been torn up
and all that is there is possibility
roots snaking and enticing through
fresh ground, the birthing-place
of all things alien
familiar only to other aliens
I am new
and I can smell the newness here as I fill my lungs
with that which has been written and found filled
written and done,
dirt is the ankles of the world
the calves, thighs, and what's between them
forever moving and shifting restlessly, frustrated,
rising and falling beneath the soft fur of grass,
hoping
for the grace and gifts of the gentle soft
baby leaves and sprouts
to come upon the raw earth
and take it to its highest love.

everybody's got love in their eyes
I see it in the giggles and the long silence
and the avoiding touching
the dilating of pupils, catching breath
except when looking at the one you're supposed to
and when I walked into the dugout
she sat there and I felt this sense of companionship
like, "I can tell you're in love and so am I"
and because she sat alone
I knew then
and it's nice to know
everybody's got love in their eyes.

you don't need to groan every time I start talking

"I want you to meet the guy I'm dating
He's trans- don't tell mom and dad"
Well, *******.
you plan to introduce him to a man who won't call him a him
Or respect his wishes
who will behave rudely unnecessarily
and a woman who will instinctively think there is something wrong
with his personality
that he can't 'just be satisfied with what he was born with'
and will think there's something wrong, abnormal, weird, gross
I hope he's a good guy
and I hope my parents grow a couple more tolerant bones
Before they meet him
because I'm scared for you and him
and I hope it'll be alright.

did I miss something
or did I meet his nice alter-ego
that you guys approve of
because the man who you have an actual reason to dislike
didn't seem to be the one I met last night

As if only boys could have angel faces
and you said it so restrictingly
I couldn't help but think
you have no idea who I am
that I wouldn't say something mushy about a girl
actually, I wouldn't say something mushy about a boy
you are so ignorant
but it's okay because you have to be
it's just
if you'd read any of my poetry,
you wouldn't be so quick to decide
what gender I was referring to
when I talked about the face of an angel.

I don't know what it is about you
that always has my head spinning
and maybe it's just on a platonic level now
I just really like your silly giggle
there's something about you
dark and pale
but open,
and closed,
cheerful, adorable,
the perfect jawline
in fact, if someone asked me my ideal partner,
the way I'd describe them
might as well be your eharmony profile
but we don't have to be romantic
and it's okay that we're not
because I get to enjoy you for you
without agenda
without confusion
without angst
just the pleasure of your company.
you're sweet, but not really, but really you are
and it's okay
because you're so unique
you are a gem,
and if I ever find another like you,
I now know how to treat them.

I would like to sit inside during a thunderstorm
with you
talk until our minds are united
dance to the pitter-patter of rain
go stir-crazy beyond the usual levels
and then nap together

It is utterly preposterous
that so many beautiful people
can believe they aren't lovely
that they can wonder if
anyone has ever loved them
that they can look at themselves and see
hopeless, ugly, worthless
because I have loved enough beautiful people
who didn't know they are beautiful
to let you know that
chances are, if you don't realize your loveliness,
you are beyond heavenly- the only reason no one has told you
is because they were scared you wouldn't love them back.
I have loved enough beautiful people
to trace the trend and absorb the sheer irony of it
that all the astronomically lovely men and women
doubt that it even exists.
I breathe, dream, and have cried over you,
O chariot of the gods, you vessel of angels,
I have woken to your sight imprinted on my eyelids,
I have woven your every word into my poetry.
It is utterly preposterous
that so many beautiful people
don't see their own beauty
while I live for the sight of it.

I like us like this

I want to write something or
make something
compelling
but it seems as though
all the compelling things
have been written
or made
already

how many things are going to
breathe eternity
before we're done here?

I am Johning
and Sherlocking
and Darcying
and Elizabething
you
all at once

is it sickening to your stomach?
is it sickening to someone else's stomach?
if no, then your answer should be
"why the hell not"
if yes, then your answer should be
"why the hell do you think I would"

alone at home
and a little tipsy
it's like john watson/martin freeman
the way I'm leaning back in my chair
and the way I want to **** Benedict Cumberbatch
this is all cuz "write drunk edit sober"
and i can't tell if that advice is working
yet
maybe I'll
be able to see
later

I have a mathematical mind
everything is cause, effect,
close-all-loopholes
find the data, analyze, program
I have a mathematical mind that sees in angles
in the relationships between people
I see the lines and points of contact,
the widening of the eyes and the glancing touch,
how short someone's fingernails are
the marks around their mouth
I have a mathematical mind that sees in positive space
because negative space is a pointless area
and I do not need to exercise
extrapolational thinking, not in this school,
I have to give the answer that is expected
in order to get the reward I desire
there is no reward for a creative but wrong answer
and therefore being rebellious is illogical
I have a mathematical mind that knows how to please people
how to find their strong spots and praise them
how to find their weak spots and support and exploit
I know how to solve the problems of someone's heart
like a scalpel of pain
who can find a rational solution to an emotional problem
because in order to be happy,
you must follow certain steps
and take the logical course of action
that will lead you to your goal.
I have a mathematical mind,
and I know how to use it to find and
give rein to
emotional and philosophical reality-
because my mathematical mind has a preference
for **** subjects like psychology
and my mathematical mind
likes other people so much
that it is willing and able to manipulate them
in the best way possible-
all for the pleasure and enjoyment
of my mathematical mind.

I am tuned to you
my every line is a pluck at your strings
regardless of who I'm talking to
I'm subconsciously trying to make you laugh
I am tuned to you
like a named bullet
I've forgotten anyone else
I run like you,
make faces like you,
dance like you,
my aim and my transmission
I find you and have found you
I have forgotten everyone else
because I am tuned to you-
a named bullet that is destined
for the one it will destroy.

you girls with your hair falling over your face
framed in the black and white depth of personality
I'd much rather color than this mindless
pretentiousness of the galaxies
falling and failing through reality
into your arms and you surround me
at last I don't have to fake or hide
my face is not a shameful mask
you girls with your hair falling in front of your face
writing poems about boys and how uncomfortable queers make you
you're the reason of the season
you're why I'm hiding because your galaxy isn't big enough for you
and mine's just right
and you hate that, you hate that I'm happy and perfect-
you hate that my life satisfies me because yours doesn't
and that, maybe, is why you're so ******* miserable.

it's not agony any longer
being around you
it's really okay
but I am kind of lonely
and it's not really lonely for you
it's just lonely
and I'd like someone to love me,
someone who can hold my hand
and we can wrap our arms around each other
and kiss a lot
and go on car rides
and smoke without our parents knowing
I'd like someone like that.
wouldn't we all?

you're beautiful
you're beautiful, it's true
and every time I look at you
you're just so **** untouchable
and it's okay
but it's not okay I think
for me, at least,
but really, I'm happy just being your friend
because that's all you want
it's healthier for us if we stay how we are
and I've come to peace with it
that I'll never touch your lips
or the delicate way your shoulders
***** down into your back
you're beautiful, it's true
but I'll never be with you.

"why do you talk so much"
"I have so much to share"
and maybe I've been talking so much
that I forgot how to listen-
because other people,
they have 'so much to share' too.

I've been fighting whispers all my life
people have been saying
"maddie's gay"
"maddie's a *****"
"maddie's bi"
behind my back
the whole **** time,
I got it, okay? it's not news
that people say that about me-
it's not a surprise,
don't expect me to be offended,
it just hurts when it's people I love
and it's really whatever
it's just I can't seem to avoid it
even when I'll join the religious order
later in my life, it'll be
"maddie's overcompensating"
"maddie's doing it so no one would realize she's gay"
"maddie's religious so she had to do this because if she just stayed single there would be questions"
what do I have to ******* do to prove them wrong
bang a male in front of my whole school?
no, there will still be questions,
"maybe she's bi"
I'd like it if sexuality wasn't such a huge issue
and if my mannerisms didn't cause people
to say my name like a ***** word
and if I could just act like ordinary me
without being put in a box
wouldn't we all?

There's so much to be happy about
I just saw a picture
of my Savior
and I know
I'll be blissful one day
and I know
one day the suffering will end
There's so much to be happy about
the sun is shining
and the grass is green
and the people I love are here
a man has borne my scars so I don't have to
and the world is new every day
There's so much to be happy about
not that I don't have a right to be sad-
I do,
there's good and bad in everything
but the good in this situation
is far more beautiful
than anything the bad can come up with.

you can be who you need to be
and I'll let you,
because I love you.
and that's all.

i used to wonder what i could possibly learn from you
I learned
how to gracefully let go of things not meant for me
and admittedly, at first it wasn't graceful,
I kinda had to rip you out of my veins-
but that's not the point
the point is that I finally know how
to accept people how they are
for all of them
not just the good or easy parts
and maybe through you
I've finally learned the definition of love
that I've been searching for so long
and maybe through you
I've finally realized you're worth fighting for,
dying for, just like me,
just as you are, because you alone
is utterly perfect,
without any changes
and maybe through you
I've finally realized that people's worth
isn't determined by the similarity of their views to mine
or by their views or actions at all
people's worth is just that they have views and actions
and you should just let people be them
because there's no better way for them to be
than just them- any 'improvements' are just me
trying to make them more like me
which doesn't do anything except destroy
some of your individuality
and the presence of so many viewpoints by which
the universe views itself
is a beautiful, joyous occasion
I've finally realized that your existence
as well as everyone-around-me's existence
is a beautiful, joyous occasion.
thank you for this.
thank you.

I like this

Sherlock is maybe a sociopath
his every action a means to an end
but-
the difference that is difficult to percieve
is that it is not his end he is serving
it is John's end
and maybe, in that,
it is his end
because Sherlock's biggest fear is pain
and to be without John
is the most torturous pain of all.

I am more like you
than you
are aware of

Why, even surrounded by all these people,
do I feel such a crushing loneliness?

life's good.
be at peace.
the flow of the heavens can go on without you.
just accept it as it is,
and breathe love.

in the midst of me wanting you to change for me
I forgot that I needed to change for you
and I can't control anyone but myself
so the best possible thing for our friendship
was to change my attitude
and appreciate you for you
instead of who I wished you were.
I held all these expectations for you
and it was me who failed to meet them.

poetry is written into my heart
there is no turning back now
this sacred, undefiled art
has taught me how to break all vows

the lake is clear now, it's quite smooth
the sun is shining and shadowed
my car (their car) is set on cruise
and my thoughts appear to be scattered

poetry is written desperately through my heart
on the walls of my soul, divine
guidance in each individual part
taking into account every line

my mom's hair is not a bit soft
this lake is far too smooth
don't look around you, you'll start feeling lost
and you won't even realize it when you lose

poetry is engraved into the veins of my heart
pumping through every time
poetry is entrenched in who I am
I can't escape these entangled vines

my father's phone is older than me
my time here has run over
I look around but I just wanna be free
and get myself a wild-eyed lover

poetry is more than my heart- it's my life,
it's entrapping me, I'm in its power
my arms and its legs are inseperably entwined,
and I've given it permission to have me for a bit more than an hour.

I burn too bright for my own good
fuel my own fire
scar my own skin
my body ignites and blazes away
the outer shell
I am more than what I have been
I have walked through hell.
I am the might; and I burn thin
through what's good for me
and I am charred, at the end of the day
but even charcoal ignites again.

the stick
was charred like
me after you
but unlike the stick-
through the ashes,

I bloom.

my religion is not obedience
my religion is love
but in order to love, I must be obedient
to the one from whom love comes
I am not a slave to my church
I find love through my church,
and that is my choice-
do you begrudge me an increase in virtue?
do you want me to be more hateful?
I am loved, and I will love in return
of my own free will-
and I am ultimately free-
free to control my actions
for that is what free will is
ability to control one's self
so I have controlled myself and bent my heart and mind
to love
love
love
and love.
I am serving the best purpose there is-
and I'd like you beside me,
if you want to come.

today is the day that
Christ has given us a hope.
everything we do is
foundationed on His love
that was expressed,
triumphantly,
in the greatest of glories
today.
He has beaten the only thing we thought was inevitable
He has conquered the 'one fact of human life'
He has shown us, we are unlimited,
because our patron, our guiding hand,
Our Father,
is someone who is unlimited-
and He has guided us
all for His glory,
that we may believe-
no one but Christ would endure what He endured,
only for me,
and no one but Christ could rise from the grave.