what is it now
what is going on
maybe today is just a day
and this sickness is just momentary
but maybe tomorrow will be just as cloudy
and I will still feel nauseous
and my parents will still act hostile for no reason
and I still won't be able to motivate myself
and I will still be glued to this ******* cell phone.

strange that anyone's greatest fear could be change
when change is my greatest passion-
that sweet seduction, the thrill of challenge
and a bite of cold on the rim of the foreign champagne
is only from the lipstick of this temptress, change
who beckons me across ages- dances with me while I chase-
I never quite know her,
I never quite can- she is already halfway through space
already half erased.

"I am the God that makes fire in the head."

I never want to sleep in the house again
I never want to look at my phone screen again
I never want to hold the hand of someone I don't love again
I never want to be feel like I'm sick again
I never want to look back again
I just want to run away
and live in the woods

sleeping alone hurts a lot more
when you have actually felt
the warmth of someone else for weeks on end
all these teenagers complain about not cuddling
when their cuddling is awkward and strange, hard to fall asleep to
but when I was in my friend's arms
(and legs, and face, and hands, and feet)
it was like the world was okay again
and the two of us together were dry and warm, right there
taking a break from reality
the cold could not touch us.

camp is my place of joy
but the beach is my place of peace
and my family is my home
I needed this.

did I push you off the edge when I left
and did I fly off, unknowingly, after you,
falling aimlessly through the clouds? drifting?
when will I hit bottom?

most people burn me alive but you
you are a warm fire after a long time skiing
you are hot chocolate on a winters day
I know you love the cold- so you are the warmth
that makes it bearable, enjoyable
for a summer girl like myself-
you are the sun in my cold day, the snowflake
that doesn't sting so much as it used to
maybe we are the warmth and the cold, counteracted
balanced, together, in shifting seasons- day and night
and maybe you don't love me
but maybe we are perfect for each other.

focus*, and maybe this time
I won't have to look back on yesterday
with shame

your body is no less of a temple
merely because more people worship it

I always write about destroying whoever it is that I love
I want them to burn to the ground and never be able to recover,
launch into the sky with the intensity of a phoenix and crash,
in a plume of smoke and lie there, shuddering.
I have always wanted to light someone on fire.
I always want them to love me so much that it destroys them,
but this time: I'm afraid it will,
and I am willing to burn myself on the stake if it keeps you intact.

I have a formula, a quantum machination that activates
when all variables are present
the numbers link together and click into place
falling, rolling, gears and chains
turning the clock back and forward,
always in the same pattern- all the constants are accounted for
my x and y are solved, what I needed was a vertex-
I found it,
and so it begins again, dust brushing off this old grandfather
as he creaks back into his duty, his slave labor compulsion
that brings forth nothing in him, nothing but love
it is time for him to awaken once again.

I am cracking, splintering
because of you
my screen shines bright but glints through broken shards
as I tumble down the stairs,
lost, confused,
but laughing the whole time.

what am I *doing

I love the idea of a she, someone with long hair, big eyes,
quiet voice and gentle-minded,
locks tied back in a braid, smooth, soft body,
with small hands- for all my hatred of sexism
I cannot ignore that I am blatantly, painfully attracted
to what they have told me is a woman.

I only want you, no one else

God loves me,
doesn't He want me to be happy?
why must He do this
again and again
why,
why must I quaver with self doubt
bring myself to tears with doubt and shame
no one should feel like this, no one should be afraid
that their love for another person will send them to burn
for eternity- my eternity cannot be spent with someone else
and I am in agony, I feel as though
part of me is ripping in half
why do they tell me that it's because of sin
when it's just because they've been telling me
how dangerous and how evil, how wrong it is
that my soul wants something contrary to God's will
they've been telling me this over and over my whole life
it has never felt anything but right between me and God
until someone else came in and told me it wasn't
and I'm not sinning, I'm not acting, its just
the shape of my heart is different than they say God wants
but God fashioned my heart, didn't He?
did He not hold it in his hands and mold it with His fingertips,
teaching it how and whom to love
so that one day I may use it?
did He not plan every part of my heart out and
write my past and future,
why is it that I must ignore what He has written
into me with every pump of His own handiwork?

God doesn't want me to feel like this
love will win in the end- love will win,
after all of this, love will win

I have been on the edge mentally for a long time
and I think I have finally started breaking
out of my mind- pushing the edge in real life
this is terrifying

she belongs to meeeeAAYYYAYAYAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEE

maybe if you didn't want them to fight back
you shouldn't have brutalized them in the first place-
maybe, rather than hiding photos because you're scared of what they'll do,
you never repeat the actions that are in the photos
maybe start considering what you are doing
to be an act of terrorism (because it is)
and we're all just fighting for our own lives-
so stop taking everyone elses'.

to protect and defend americans
would you destroy the rest of the world?

losing control of my own body
going crazy
being not good enough
hurting someone else
loneliness
dying in my sleep
that my parents actually hate me
going to hell
not living up to my own expectations
serving the wrong religion
not getting into college
losing parts of myself
becoming numb

another and another and another
I dive in
only this time to learn how it feels
to win

am I your daydream

to someone who has thought of themselves as a genius
their whole life long
there is nothing worse than knowing your own mediocrity

what did He say to you
why did you cry
what did she say to you
why do you love mass
have you ever touched yourself
and why wouldn't you
when was the last time you had to question yourself
what thoughts run through your head when you saw me looking at you
why do you have to wait
why do you want to wait
do you really want me
do you want me at all
what do you think about laying in your bed
have you ever pictured me on top of you
have you ever driven yourself crazy
have you ever smoked a cigarette
have you ever burned, cut, or otherwise hurt yourself
have you drank liquor
who do you wish you were
and what is your deepest dream?

The more real you get the more unreal the world gets.

I am a violent man who has learned not to be violent and regrets his violence.

We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.

When you're drowning you don't think, I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me. You just scream.

I can't wake you up. You can wake you up. I can't cure you. You can cure you.

When I cannot sing my heart, I can only speak my mind.

It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love.

I am he as you are he and you are me and we are all together.

I'm just an American girl
with a Canadian heart
a North Carolina spirit
some Tennessee social skills
an Irish body
a New York mind
a South California love
and a Louisiana childhood

"I may or may not die soon."  "What's wrong with you?" "I'm human."

the God of freedom, whiskey, beer, and food-
the God of green hills and romances,
the God of tattoos, piercings, and edgy clothing,
the God of cliffs, breaking waves, and high mountains with stiff winds
this God is a wild God-
He rises and sets like the sun
loves always but is sometimes not seen
Aslan is not a tame lion, after all
He is an Irish God and contains the universe
in the palm of His Irish hand.

our God is the God of goodness, yes
but a God of goodness cannot bring Himself
to hate, disapprove, or separate Himself
He is love
and He welcomes you
you cannot run from Him
for He is there in all, and especially in you.

wait
and I'm not sure if I should too
but there's nothing I can do
if my God of love needs to show me a different side of Him
than He has been recently- He cannot be the God
of aloof goodness, He must be the God
of sweaty sheep and love and bleating under the sun
He is who I always thought He was
but recently I could not make myself know Him
I missed you, Father
Oh, how I've missed you
they don't know you at all, do they?

I forgot how much I loved this life

as we told each other the greatest things we could think to share
we could all tell
the greatest things we held within ourselves,
strength
attitude
illness
recovery
friends
mom
loss
li­fe
grandma
love-
we know, now, what word the center of our being holds-
we had thought of each other as creatures that spun with the world
around the point that is our own being
everyone else a nameless, faceless being that turns and leaves in orbit
with no center of gravity, no word inscribed on their hearts
that kept them grounded to this earth
but we were wrong.
the world spun,
and we were all still there together.

a man becomes a man when he chooses to
there is no whim of fate, no marked age
when he lives with the winners and never forgets you
a man becomes a man regardless of how many days
he's spent around this hot star, he knows in himself
that the day he becomes a man
is the day he puts his death on the shelf
he does what he knows in his heart that he can
he is no coward, dies only one death
he chooses this every moment- to be born again
until there is nothing but life left
he feels his soul on fire and he lights it in peace
he lays down at the end of the day to retire-
and sleeps.

"We have two natures. An animal nature and a human nature. Our animal nature is derived from 40 million years of ape history. We are 98.9 per cent chimp DNA. Chimpanzees are territorial, hierarchical, patriarchal and they are competitive-aggressive. We, as social beings, are territorial, hierarchical, patriarchal and competitive-aggressive. But we have something else. The chimps can’t break out of that… [but] human nature breaks boundaries. Our human nature says, You know what, I am going to be free… We are constantly pulled between our animal nature and human nature. We are torn between the two. And it is not resolved in anyone’s lifetime."

I am more afraid of the animal nature of the human than I am
of anything else
show me someone sitting and learning and I will cheer
show me someone playing an elaborate game and I will applaud
show me someone loving and I will weep
show me someone controlling themselves and I will hold up my fist
but show me someone rabid, lustful, forceful, and animalistic
to the point that watching them is like watching an angry dog
and I will cower- there is nothing more terrifying
than someone who has lost their own humanity
because humanity is not our ability to feel- no, anyone can do that
all animals feel
humanity is our ability to understand how and why we feel
and to act on that
humanity is not our ability to love, it is our ability to act with love,
and even when you hate someone and wish they were dead,
it is the ability to choose, despite the rage inside you, to hold them
and to let them cry in your arms, even if they haven't paid their
share in the bills, even if they yelled at you last night, even
if they didn't pick up your daughter when you asked them to,
even as they fall further and further away from you, when their
mother dies, you know exactly what to do
and you let them cry, because humanity is the ability to rise above
feelings, to not let them rule you,
and it is the ability to act as though no one else can do it
to respect their emotions as if they have no control
because maybe they do, maybe they don't
it is your duty to hold them, that's what humanity is,
to hold them,
and to love them anyway.

Who is this that appears like the dawn,
    fair as the moon, bright as the sun,
    majestic as the stars in procession?

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
    you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,

You are altogether beautiful, my darling;
    there is no flaw in you.

I never understood people who look back on
their childhood, back to the best most innocent times of their lives
because my years weren't like that
five years was reading, alone in her room
six years was the beginning of cynicism, telling everyone that those blow up animals were not people and never were
seven years was the beginning of understanding social constructs, feeling lonely in kindergarten but not sure why. I watched a girl from across the playground and fell in love and proposed to her in front of the class but the teacher hushed me and hurried everyone away
eight years was my first best friend but the realization I had no female friends and when they told me I was weird I didn't know what to do so I just shut down
nine years was when my friends declared war on me in the school yard and the first time someone expected me to like a boy
ten years was the beginning of anxiety and the first obsession: owls
eleven years was depression, grades dropping, awkward cargo shorts, when I first knew about *** and that year I loved wolves
twelve years was my first love (second if you count the girl in kindergarten) I waited for him outside his mom's classroom and I thought he was the most beautiful of all humanity. he was my newest obsession. I dated that boy with the silly name but we never talked in person and I started feeling something like a crush for my friend sofia. I found someone else to love at my new school and I was forced to admit my sexuality to myself
thirteen years was when I told Pam and everyone at school that I liked girls and I had my first sleepover, my first taste of 'popularity', I kissed my first girl, thirteen was when the anxiety faded away, the world appeared bright and clear. I found God that year. I hurtled through a roller coaster and my parents cursed me out the first time and I loved it, I loved every second
fourteen years was when I recognized my own soul and when others did too, it was when I stopped reading because the real world was good enough, I kissed someone that I didn't love but his lips were warm and the sun was bright that day and he called me 'his girl' and I loved that, if not him.
fifteen years was when I shouldered the responsibility of my impact and I understood what the world needed from me and I was ready to do it, I learned what love looked like that year and I found my favorite genre of
music and I can finally speak in front of people, I have friends that love me and I will never lose myself away from this world because it is finally beautiful, there is no magic of my childhood to return to because the magic is now, I am ready and willing to grow old and throw myself raw into this world with cares and worries because that is what makes life great and at sixteen I hope to lose myself to passion and go crazy with love, I hope to learn how to treat people and hold them close, I hope to become selfless, toss my soul in the fire, I hope there are many dark starry nights and many lonely rainy mornings and many sunny car rides and my birthday is in the winter so my world has always revolved around getting warmer, I was born when it was dark but it got brighter, it keeps getting brighter and bigger and warmer and sixteen will take me further than I ever thought I could go.

never been a mind reader
but always wished I could
because truth is the only thing that
can hold the world together
once it is gone, the world will fall apart
the universe will crumble
and the galaxies will tremble and break.

God hates you, and would rather you dead.

peace cannot lead to change
if we do not have peace now (which we don't)
we must build tension until the world changes
peace can only come from change
meet them with opposition, force, and violence of passions
that eventually will turn the Earth.
it can't turn on its own-
and for all the batons and pepper spray in the world,
you can't stop it from spinning once it starts.

**** your bukowskisms
pick yourself up because
no one else can- they'll try and they'll reach out
and you can take their hand
but until you pull your *** off the ground
you're stuck there.

I'm on my way back to God
I think I need to start addressing my prayers
and thoughts- rather than
to 'Him', this objective thing
that I'm just thinking about,
to 'you', 'father', 'abbah', someone
that I am talking to.

there are many types of love
while I might feel phileo towards him and
eros towards her and storge towards Her
I might feel agape towards you
and I would say that the difference between romance and friendship
while I thought it was ***, for a long time,
is not- it is something more, intangible
an inseperation between souls
a terrible desire to be one-
a necessity of agape between the two
and a feeling that you will be insufficient
without it.

if the time's not right then its not right
we'll see
good luck
I want you to be happy

if we were alone, I would have
held you close,
turned you around, and kissed you,
rested you against me,
put up that armrest in between us
and sat in warm comfort together
but we were not alone
and I am absolutely parched for you

all of us have such distant dreams
how could we possibly be headed in the same direction
and will I ever see you again?