High rise, veins of the avenue, bright eyes and subtle variations of blue
everywhere is balanced, there, like a rainbow above you
street lights glisten on the boulevard and cold nights make staying alert so hard
for heaven's sake, keep me awake so I won't be caught off guard
clearly I am a passerby but I'll find a place to stay
Dear Pacific day, won't you take me away?
small town hearts of the New Year
brought down by gravity, crystal clear
City fog and brave dialogue converge on the frontier
make haste, I feel your heartbeat
with new taste for speed, out on the street
find a road to a humble abode where both of our routes meet
The silver sound is all around and the colors fall like snow
The feeling of letting go, I guess we'll never know

Cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains-
I'll blend up that rainbow above you and shoot it through your veins
your heart has a lack of color
and we should have known
that we'd grow up sooner or later
cause we wasted all of our free time alone

"kisses are a better fate than wisdom"- front  of right shoulder
"we do not stand alone"- inside of foot
"timshel"- right heel
"agape"- left heel
"and the tree was happy"- under chest, on right side
"+)"- behind the heart on back
"fiat"- the back of my right shoulder
"ut prosim"- the back of my left shoulder
"I have wept for love of them"- under chest, on left side
"that"- one letter each on feet and hands
and a cross, on my left ring finger

you are free up to the moment you die
and because of that,
death is the only thing that can destroy your freedom
you may move your arms and your legs and
no one can make you do
anything while you are alive, the only time this ceases
is when your brain lacks the autonomy because it no longer fires
there is no such thing as destruction of autonomy,
that is a delusion- autonomy is always present
because death cannot exist at the same time you do
once it is gone, you are there
when it is there, you are gone,
your movement and your life is your free will
while you have life, you are never restricted
unless you restrict yourself-
death, and dying, and killing
is the only time anyone else can truthfully, honestly
take what is yours.

I am going to get words tattooed
all over my body

just for this moment, as long as you're mine

I have never had a monopoly on anything, have I?
I am not the best at being a lover-
I am not the best at my sport, I only play well when it is only up to me
I am not the best at school, or math
I am not the best artist, singer,
my violin playing has been slacking
it seems that the only thing I am best at is feeling, feeling love and hate, but even that is not true because sometimes I think I fabricate myself
and sometimes I think I am the best at thinking, but
even that is not true, I am not even a genius on the IQ scale,
I am the best at obsession, maybe
but there are those whose thoughts are so consumed with one thing
that the rest of their life takes a back seat
I am the best at love, self-sacrifical love,
maybe it's because I have not met someone who was more willing than I
or maybe it's because I have deluded myself and can't see
my actions for what they really are,
and there are those who speak kinder, who listen more,
I am not the best at anything,
maybe that is why I want so bad to be in an equal partnership
so that I am the best and most important thing,
if only to them, and they are the best and most important thing,
if only to me, and
together we have a monopoly on each other
and the rest of the world can go **** itself, for all we care.

please don't tell me what you think I have to do
because it's none of your business
what your righteous mind thinks is right or wrong
has nothing to do with my personal situation
I am not obligated to crucify myself because you think I should
I will only if my heart of love demands
and some things my heart of love must do
even if they seem wrong to you.

she dances exactly like you
did when we played music loudly upstairs
and you eventually ended up on top of me
you wouldn't let me roll over and
years later at prom you came towards me
I felt like I wanted to ravage the deepest parts of you,
the parts I had left scarred and broken,
I wanted to ruthlessly love them until
you would never be whole without me
someone saw and said, you are not allowed to
look at her with those eyes, I know because I do those eyes
little did she know that I find myself giving those eyes
to people I'm not allowed to look at with those eyes
like her, today, she who is so much
and exactly, and yet
so far from you.

I am nothing,
and you are God.

I'm the shining distraction that makes you fly
and maybe you're falling for it
my fools' gold
maybe my love's not real
but that's not the way it feels
and you've let me use you from the day we first met
but you're not done yet
falling for my
fools' gold.

when everyone else is at each others' throats
and even we disagree a lot of the time
and I am ******* at everything around me
it is still a sunny day with you
because I know you're on my side.
I know you hate poems about cloudy days and
'being there through the dark times'
because it's not about the dark times, it's about the smiles
and I'm here to tell you that
it's not that you're 'here with me through the dark times'
it's that even though for a moment I thought they were dark,
you snapped me out of it, slapped me across the soul,
said, 'get your act together'
this is not a romantic love, it is not sensual, it is only happy
self-sacrificial, trusting, and stable-
it is a constant reminder that the world is full of goodness and light
they aren't dark times through which you accompany me
they are beautiful and I had forgotten that, that place of the sunrises
and the trees and the wet grass and the smell of rotten leaves
but you reminded me, because you are there and you show me
who I am and who I was. Thank you.

circles
I live, breathe, move
act in circles
and even though I know my history
I am still doomed to repeat it

have you always been the candy of my imagination?
at times, you seemed to break not-so-deliciously
at our midnight dinners
to plan for our circus of dreams
your crisp brown sugar was sickeningly sweet then
but now, as I read the words on the page,
I see only something delectable
and I have forgotten who you really were
I think that either you have mastered the art of shapeshifting
or my eyes are deceived-
either way, you are not who you once were
and the lines holding the circus together
are shattering, one by one.

Every time I hear you breathe heavily (which happens quite a lot)
I imagine what I could do to you
to make you gasp like that
with maybe my name whispered
in between moans.

and here I was thinking it was about me all along

and everyone expects us to be the world, it's supposed to be our oyster
what they do not understand is that
we are only human- we are merely children
and we are slowly letting them down
maybe one day, they will understand
that they must love us because we are people
not because we're everything they wish they had been.

it feels as though I'm constantly going a little crazy
it seems as though those who keep it inside do not burn with the same force
as I do, for who could withstand a swirling, twisting, turning vortex
a hurricane of thought and constant lyrics and themes and destruction
as the galaxies swirl inside my mind, they pain me more and more because
the black hole in the center is not strong enough
to withstand the centrifugal force, neurons are firing too fast and
they must escape, they must work their will on the world
it must be torturous for those who keep their minds trapped in their minds
it must be a crucifixion to not let the planets fly free, spinning into
the dark universe, someone with an IQ of 148 must create,
create or burn, burn down like the building you spent your life carving
it seems to be that the lesser genius is the one that does not impact
for if you do not impact, does it really hurt that much? if your mind
is not exploding and tearing at the edges of your existence, is it
really a genius? if your galaxy is dividing and throbbing and overturning
like mine is, how can you keep it in? why would you want to?
those who tame their passions show only that their passions are
weak enough to be tamed- I am not weak enough to be tamed
my river courses beyond the bounds of its banks
and it is too forceful to keep it in, it breaks the levee
wreaks its wrath on the city, it cannot only shape the silt and serve its purpose
it must do more, it must do more, it must do more
and so it marks its legacy on the annals of history in the textbooks
taunting the dreams of children, it is by far the greater genius
for if it is great, then there is no way that it can be contained
your eyes must burn with the fire for your art and your hands must
shake when they touch the instrument, your mind must race with words
for your poetry, your brain must see the calculations as the numbers
dance behind your eyes for there is nothing you can do to get away from it
you must talk about it as though there is nothing in the world
if it does not strain you to escape then it must not exist
the true genius is not tempered, it is obsessive, it burns and burns and burns,
we are a dying star spitting its sparks, it
compulses, whirls, throws its light across the sea, and turns,
the world would be darker without it, and the true genius knows that
so the true genius burns.

It will be hard
because I know that I must choose God,
over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.

I cannot write you down-
I cannot even write myself down
words might fill the silence but your pulse will never be in these pages
because these pages have ink on them, not blood
and a soul refuses to be penned.

The saddest thing, and maybe the thing
that will draw not lines, but chasms
between myself and the rest of the world
is that now,
I believe, and I understand
exactly why

I have learned how to love from a distance
and every love
teaches me more of who I am
as I take my stepping stones
to the Great and Final love
at the end of my earthly life.

-to return at eventide with gratitude
and then to sleep,
with a prayer for the beloved in your heart
and a song of praise on your lips.

let's all just sit together,
without any discomfort, and
hold each other,
warm,
with a fire,
no time limits, no one to schedule or yell,
with the crisp air biting our noses-
it will be beautiful
no one will ever have to go home.

it has never been about the things I was doing, for me
but always about how I felt while I was doing them-
my mom always told me,
"wherever you go, there you are"
and at camp, we had to suffer through whatever was thrown at us
so we learned eventually not to suffer,
and to enjoy the world, even the boring world,
if we were with people we loved-
so I have never checked things off a list, I have never sought out
adventure, so much as love
because I would rather be home with a friend
than in an exotic location, alone,
for the empty pleasure of having done it, because to have done it
is not nearly as important as being fulfilled and satisfied
with whatever it is you have
while you are not on an adventure
because if you look at it this way,
everything is an adventure already.

I have felt so good, so good,
so excited and passionate and free
and I feel like I can express who I am without having to stifle anything
for me, joy is expression- joy is freedom
I can run and yell and scream and the intensity of my emotions is not bad
I do not mean to dance through life,
I mean to care, passionately, completely, I do not want to skim the surface
I want to laugh and act ridiculous but I want that to be acceptable
I'm tired of people telling me to chill
because chill is a terrible way to go through life,
refusing, refusing, refusing to live and love
saying 'just calm down'
because this wild life is not calm, it should not be calm
you have only a hundred years- probably less
so live them.

I am trying my best
as are you
and even though I say I am trying my best
and still fail- does not mean I am a hypocrite
it just means I failed. So please,
cut me some slack
let's stop tearing each others' throats out
a moral lapse or two is not reason to turn on each other
the world is hard for both of us
and you are not superior because what you say and what you do is in alignment
if what you say is 'I am a murderer' and what you do is ******, then
'at least she's honest' is not the right response- they deserve
no credit for the truthfulness of the fact,
but only credit for what they have done- the good or the evil
though I say I have goals and I do not reach them,
at least I have goals, and at least I am mostly good,
the difference between who I say I am and who I am
is not so big of a fault that it counteracts everything good about me
for the good stands alone- the goals may not match, but
they drive me towards being more good
and does that not make them good in themselves?
I am trying my best
please, please, please
just let me,
because you do the same thing-
and setting low goals for yourself does not mean that you are better
because your goals are equal to your achievements
if anything, you are striving less than I
and you are in no position to judge.

please, don't tell me you can't breathe without me
because I'm afraid, my dear, that you'll just have to suffocate

I can heal the hearts of everyone now
maybe my hands were not meant for just one to hold

God has been telling me this whole time
that I would have to choose, one way or the other.
and I have made my choice.
I would sacrifice anything for Him.

I never want anyone to fall in love with me
because I never want anyone to think I'm more
than I am

I think that in my deepest
most earnest desires to become a storybook character
to become the famed romance and the interesting lover
someone from whom people hide things and treat
with great gravity, I have forgotten how to run
and scream like a child, and love like a baby-
I have descended from the ceiling, surrounded by mist
donning my cloak and shrouding my figure with mystery
what is my figure? where is my figure? who am I?
I am not in this world any longer;
I am the stuff of legends,
and I will never be able to touch the earth again.

strange to think we once had our terrified
shaking, heart pounding first kiss,
slipping on each other awkwardly and you asked
you had to ask, can I kiss you, and
that's what I was waiting for
and we once called each other on the phone all the time
and we once held each other impossibly close
I'm half a heart without you, sure
but my blood pumped straight out when you were gone
and all that blood was not once beautiful
it was just red.

if you want to shine like the sun, first you must burn like it
and if you want to raise to the heavens, first you must plummet
and fall, to the scorched earth, losing whatever Godly crown you held
that was placed upon your head when you knelt down before Him
begging for power and might- you got it, you took it,
you led a whole nation to what you thought was salvation
but the fire inside you burned your heart out- it was too much-
you said, if I cannot reach heaven, then I will raise hell
and raise hell you did, creating hell on earth, pulling the
demonic spirits from leagues below the surface painfully, inch
by inch, you called them to us; if there is a God
He will have to beg for their forgiveness, won't He, because
you claimed the throne of God and sat on it
the starched pants cannot hold atop heavenly gold- and in the end,
not even you, Führer the ******, Führer the gory-
you had power and might but you could never have glory
you took what was not yours and you sliced and you gassed
the sons of our mothers were left gasping as they died under
your thumb, there is no more thunder left to call anyone home
there is nothing, there is nothing, and from this death lesson we learn:
to God tis' glory, and when men aspire
tis' but a spark too much of heavenly fire.

God, take me back,
and use me as you will-
I cannot handle this alone
I cannot live my life alone or shoulder this burden
I cannot fix myself, nor ask anyone else to
so please, please, I give my life to you...
take me back.

something is broken inside of me, and
I know it is broken and I know it is cracked
but I don't know what broke it
so I don't know how to get back
glue my pieces back together and walk on a clear track
because lost is the way and confused is the path.

could I be the light I used to be?
I could, I'm sure I could
but I think the candle is being blown out
please, please, please just spark it, ignite it for me
and I can be the light of your life,
we can set each other free.

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a ****,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

imagine believing in something so wholeheartedly
that you dedicate your life to sharing
whatever joy you receive from that: you want them to know
because there is nothing more important to you
and you teach them, you teach them, you teach them
and then you reach the ****** of your lesson,
at the end of the year- this is the single most important thing
that you yourself have ever learned- this is it,
they must know this, they must
you finish saying it and you look around and ask if they understand
half are looking down, some are sleeping, one makes eye contact with you
but none are filled with zeal, and you know
that another group of people has slipped through your fingers
a piece of you dies with every student that loses their faith because
you have failed, you have not expressed what you wanted
and they have not absorbed
and you realize the true destitution of experience:
they can never share in what you have, no one can
you are alone, and they do not understand.

I don't feel like doing much of anything anymore
except just sit in silence
sleep,
and listen to music.

right now, my life is inscribed
on ten pieces of paper,
inside my backpack
vulnerable, visible, and destructible
all I would have to do is light a match
and my world would go up in flames.

I would like to not want to sleep so much
and truly be awake
and feel the cold air on my face
and shout into the wind.

let me give you my life

I view the world through a lens
I miss seeing clearly

once, I said to her,
'you don't understand'
to which she responded
'yes I do'
and I said
'how'
and she said
'I love you.'

maybe the reason why I dislike Batman
and love the X-Men
is because Batman, gifted with money and power, chose his struggle
the X-Men were forced- they had mutanthood shoved upon them
and had to be crucifed as society pushed them away
hiding in fear and hatred of what they must face
the X-Men learn to adapt, they take what they have
and choose to be the better man, or the worse man,
but they take the fight that was given them
and the freakery that they were born with,
and they adapt.
Batman, however, was born normally,
did not have to run or hide, for he was privileged,
and he walked, walked straight into freakery
he took the burden others were throttled with
and laid it upon his own shoulders, crying 'woe is me'
whilst he went about the noble task of hero-dom
he made himself a fancy suit- he had been given
normalcy and he invented freakery in order to claim sacrifice
he did not need to give himself- he was an ordinary man
that laid down his life.
The reason why that bothers me so much
is that ordinary men do not need to lay down their lives
they are not called to that future
it is not in their cards
he claimed his heroic deeds and choose to throw himself into the
furnace flames- while others suffered unwillingly
he chose it
he took their pain and made it less
'see, I can do it! anyone can do it!'
what makes the X-Men special is that
their mutation isn't 'deal with pain of superheroism'
it's some other power, but they have to learn how to be ostracized
not anyone can do that- they had to
their survival depended on it
Batman walked into the struggle of their lives
and declared himself a hero
though, for some, the declaration
was not in their words or actions, it was written
into their DNA, it was marked in their skin
by the brands of their oppressors, it
was pounded into every heartbeat shocked with electricity
they fought and hid their heroism their whole lives
for they knew- it was not something to love,
it was something to suffer with-
and Batman took that, he took the heroism
and he projected it across the night sky,
declaring, "I am Batman",
and it is something he can escape from,
he can walk away, he can walk away, he can walk away,
and yes, he chooses not to,
but what he does is steal from those who cannot walk away
his heroism takes the nails in the hands of mutants and orphans
and masochistically drives them into his own palms
crying whilst doing it.
rather than being forced to adapt and look normal,
he puts on a suit and prances through the night dramatically
he takes everything sufferable about being a hero
and tosses it out the window-
he takes everything noble about being a hero
and growls it in a dramatic voice, posing, in his fancy suit,
when he could be safe at home. why would you choose this
why would anyone choose this
be thankful for your ability to be safe,
that is the real superpower- the ability
to be normal, to have a home to go back to, to
have a normal purpose and a normal life,
and Batman is completely, utterly, ungrateful-
he wishes there were more,
while those born with 'gifts' would be satisfied with even less.

I want to kiss someone

God is still calling
but how can he be the God
that they say He is
how can he be
the God that he says He is
if I am already ******?

let's be alone together
I don't want to force myself to be with anyone
and deal with the awkward silences
get-to know-you questions, smiles and laughter
efforts to agree and manipulate
I just want to be alone
with someone else there
and I want it to be simple

am I whole? could
we make each other whole
without effort to fix each other
without any forced input or 'save me'
or holding hands as we traverse a cliff
overly romantic atmospheres or difficult discussions
maybe just laughter, maybe just simple togetherness
adventure, laziness; friendship
with nothing but fluidity
and basic, easy love.

we are silly, silly beings
clinging to our silly, silly things