Molecular tales, these wiles of mine;
amygdala soaked in weeks of wine
will only function half the time.

And fears, in-fight-or-flight response
are jaded flickers only, now
arousal first, aggression next
you cannot choose the ones betwixt
your memories peeling, still unfixed.

Life's luxuries cannot soothe that sting
And soon your troubled nerves won't fire
Silks and satins won't mean anything
And countless women not suffice
The contrast between cloth and skin
will blur to numbed-out Braille and ice
But you sir; still insist on this-
To drown yourself in every vice.

You may go out in fire yet
If one day all becomes too much
I wonder if you've passed that gate
The one marked 'Point of No Return'
And if you saw it, smiled and waved
or felt a pang of hostility
or sadness,
pure futility......

I cannot save you, no-one can;
I'll not be your last gluttony
And thus I submit my defeat-
The impotence of this soliloquy.

You're gone.
It's my fault.
I'm deadened.
la lumiere
it's gone
I'm bereft.

the choice to fan the ember to blazing flame
was there
I ran
I'm empty.

match-perfect, close to narcissism
I can pretend we were torn apart by Fate
it is I who did the tearing
we're deleted.

I'm a coward
oh, mon chéri seul
please find in your heart to forgive me.

You're perfect
but poison
I'm nine-tenths to numb
Don't forget me.

Dwelling is a razor
regret, drip-fed poison
guilt, a creaking chain as it tightens around my neck.

Stockholm syndrome has me
in that
        lovelifedeath
grip.

And as my own jailer
I rail against myself
Caught in a purgatory-
safe
drawing blood
then consoling.                                

I can't see........
My corneas tear in the wind
there's some metaphysical connection, I know it
I don't want to look at my life as it is
The guilt twists my guts
I'm pathetic in my failures
and grasping at a fading light.

Ah perfectionism,  my abusive lover;
you endow me such power, then beat me senseless
I'm goddess, then mortal-
panicking
      frail
with nowhere but elusive horizons to go.

Phosphenes
those  bright spots of colour
as I rub my eyes-
Once again I wake too early
and that too-familiar cyanide starts to leak through my veins
and anxiety grips me
How'll I ever get it right
             make it out
             fix it all
             come out from under
             breathesucceedrelaxenjoybeworthsomething
  in short

has my bright patch of colour had its day?

I can't
face it.

The rain's been relentless
I've been soaked for two days
the wind blowing sideways
Unavoidable fray

Cold to bone, I run bathwater too hot to handle
Want to sweat it all out, and to run myself pure
Pale steam 'round me rising, obscuring the candles
and thoughts of you run though my head, like a lure.

My clothes lie bedraggled, cast here on the floor
kindling flashbacks of searching for mine in your room
fully dressed again, kindly you'd showed me the door
and I left, leaving heartstrings caught up in your loom.

So here I am, aching
so here I am, tired
so here I am, glad for the perfume you left

So here I am, hopeless
I'm mystified, following
bright flashing memories, indeliberate gifts.

How can it be, chest cavity filling with sorrow
What small sweetened curse did you drip in my heart?
Chemicals mine, and chemicals foreign
weave conundrums of pain as your next work of art.

I loathe to think you've one resentment against me
Did I clarify all clamoured in heart and head?
moth to flame, I remember you hate them,
don't hate me
but also, remember- they all end up dead.

You'll never know, just what a blessing our time was
Precious stone, as you know are important to me
I am that Roman candle, actinic in pearls
my fog soon in passing, and I will be free.

So please, don't let too much dust cover our glow
Synchronicitous, meant to be, beautiful, rare
Something splendid as that, should be held in the heart
Hands of time have a tendency- obscure and tear.

so here I am, peaceful
so here I am, salient
the memories of your arms around me, your chest

so here I'm imagining your face before me
how perfect our moments
Thankyou, lover;
I'm blessed.