This carnival had rides, games and a magician
Who promised the crowd a disappearing act,
His voice yelled, “In four hundred seconds…”
As we made our way to the back

Of the field where the carousel stood
And you climbed on a horse as fast as you could.

Spinning, spinning, the merry-go-round,
Looking from the outside in,
I could see the horses, the carriages, the dancers
Growing dizzy, disappearing.

Waltz of the Flowers started slow – melody tinkling like a music box,
I blinked with the lights, faster and faster and counting to when
They would stop.

One second, two seconds, three seconds, four,
One hundred and twenty before feet touched the floor.
Five seconds, six seconds, seven seconds, eight,
Two hundred seconds when you open the gate.

Two hundred and fifty when you find my face,
Three hundred when you realize I’m gone,
Three hundred and sixty when the waltz starts again,
Four hundred
.

I was the strawberry ice cream
you took out of the freezer-
you walked away for a little breather
and left me here to melt.

you shook me out, crystal by crystal,
while you ****** on my lollipop tongue,
you molded my eyes into a cotton candy cloud,
which dissolved and I could not run.

Then I realised this power I held
was like hot, sweet, scalding syrup,
you thought I fell but you were wrong,
I made your downfall your luck.

Now my fingers are sticky with blame,
while your teeth chatter with cold,
my heart has turned into a crystal rock,
just watch what you've done unfold.

I am a girl in love,
and that means countless hours spent on daydreaming.

I am a girl in love,
and that means a constant craving for his presence, and a constant skip in the heart.

I am a girl in love,
and that means having something to dream about, and having something to wake up to.

I am a girl in love,
and that means over-expecting and over-giving, over-doubting and over-speaking.

I am a girl in love,
and that means a non-stop commentary of how he makes me feel to my friends.

I am a girl in love,
and that means jealousy, forgiveness, giddiness, and sadness.

I am a girl in love,
and that means over-reading every signal, every hint, every gesture.

I am a girl in love,
and that means overthinking and overthinking,
clawing onto every bit of affection.

I am a girl in love,
and that means breaking my own heart over and over again.

I am a girl in love,
and that makes me a poet.

I am a girl in love,

and is there anything worse than that?

the only thing you should want to change about her is her last name

You said you loved me,
but only when you're the only one.
You expressed your needs,
even if it meant hurting me deep.

We're done, best friend .

If tears were sand,
you've sent me beaches;
If pain were words,
you've sent me speeches.
If misery were a color,
you've given me blue;
And if heartache was a person,
you've given me you.

the spectrum of the
skies lay within your hands
as a network of dusks and dawns.

I love you
I was sure when
You stopped my heart
And I could never breathe again.

My dear,
You will never know the sheer magnitude of what I feel for you -
my human body is limited to only expressing a fraction of it.

We exist in a time between past and present, between present and future.
In a place in between galaxies and celestial planets.
This is the only explanation to our cosmic, eternal, titanic love;
we exist in between sleep and dreams.

Our souls are intertwined, my heart recognizes you.
How is that so?
You have held my heart since the beginning of time - perhaps you were part of it.

I have a theory: our souls scorched each other and left imprints when the stars collided. I have burned myself into you and you have done the same. This was a time before time, a life before life.

We are beings bigger than human life, what I feel for you proves this to be true.
And we will continue to exist long after our bodies have decayed into the ground, long after our names have been spoken on our friends' lips for the last time.

Our love will remain long after the Sun finally dims.

It is the quickened heartbeats of lovers;
A flashback of my hand brushing your cheek;
A piano chord of our song;
A fragment of the setting evening sun landing on your bed, shining through your curtains;
Somebody's faint laughter you hear while crossing the street;
The scent of roses;

That is where you will find me.
That is where I will find you.


--------------------------------------------------------------­----

"Excuse me, I think I've seen you before. Have we met?"
Oh yes - a lifetime ago. Welcome home, I've missed you so.

I am holding on but I don’t know for how long more. I am tired, I am scared, I am sad.

I am so, so tired.

You were sleeping in my bed/ I was on my couch (in the other room), curled up in a blanket, refusing to hold you for warmth.

It was May, Spring. It was supposed to get warmer here in this rose town, May being more summer than spring, more spring than winter. Alas, it was still so cold. And I cried. And you were still fast asleep.

The sobs came in waves. Each stronger than the last.

The sobs crept up like shadows, like the gradual turning of heads in a crowded room towards a spotlight. It was a strange feeling, because my body seemed to realise I was going to cry before my brain would. I’d catch my breath and my face would suddenly distort itself. My eyes would pull back and my mouth would overturn. Then the wave would hit and then the tears would start.

I remember being curled up and torn - did I want you to find me like this or not?

I guess I didn’t have to decide because you were still fast asleep by the time I stopped shivering.

I crawled back into bed and there you were. You blinked your sleepy eyes awake and pulled me close, reaching out, eyelids dropping again but hand on my arm, on my thigh, on my stomach, holding me in your unconscious.

Then the feeling unfurled in me - the feeling of intrusion and trespassery. Your hands touched her body the same way, pulled her in the same way. The places in which your hands rested burned with shame and strangeness. You were hers first. You are hers. It felt so wrong. It feels so wrong.

I grabbed my water bottle and jumped out of my bed and you asked sleepily, “Where are you going?”

I said, “Getting water.” I rushed out the door, shutting it. I went to my kitchen and spent a few seconds staring at the wall.

When will the sobs come?

I waited.

They came.

Again, each wave stronger than before - so disgustingly desperate. I struggled to stay silent, I clamped my mouth shut and heaved.

You know that feeling when you’re crying and your body can’t help but wrack itself so violently and so uglily you can’t help but cry out like a wounded animal?

I muzzled myself; I clamped my mouth shut.

I gave myself ten minutes, then fifteen. Running the tap. Hoping my body would stop shaking. Asking myself to be quiet, quiet.

Then I walked to the bathroom, switched the light on. Looked at myself.

Then I got back into bed. And you were still fast asleep.

dying is a side effect of living

When my eyes find you in a crowd,
my heart can't help but stop,
Then I see her not far behind,
my heart, it plummets, it drops.

You tell me you are better as friends,
yet her iciness says you're not,
four years you loved her, now no more
but it seems she hasn't stopped.

I am your sun, you say to me,
but it seems she is your night,
you are the middle, I am the left
and she's always the right.

I see her in all we do,
she trails us like a silhouette,
your bed, your room, your passenger seat,
is there anywhere she hasn't been yet?

I laugh with you in your tiny kitchen,
and out your window I look,
just two nights ago she was where I am,
thinking of what to cook.

I am in your bed and in your arms
yet somehow it feels so wrong,
like I am the intruder in her space,
it feels like I don't belong.

You love me, and I believe you,
but I believe my fears even more,
love never ceases, never leaves,
so how could it stop at four?

You say you're okay, the break up was fine,
there is no need to fret,
of course you're okay, you never had to grieve
because she never left.

She knows you inside-out, I understand
both of you grew up together,
I just think, since she's your past,
she must also be your future.

I'm so afraid I'm temporary,
like in those movies and songs,
about how best friends fall in love
and everyone else is wrong.

I'm so afraid I'm a mere pit stop,
a temporary lapse in judgement,
the final interruption, the last mistake
before you return to her temptation.

I know I said I'd never make you choose,
how could you lose a friend?
But as time goes on, I grow wearier,
and things get harder to mend.

She'll be here for every birthday,
for every big event,
it's hard to wrap my head around
how I'm not your biggest fan.

Circumstances decided they didn't like us,
but we made it this far anyway,
like the pieces of home I found in you,
I hope you decide to stay.

Four years, I remind you, til she chose to leave,
while you stayed in your room and cried,
four years is what I have to live up to,
I try, I'm trying, I tried.

nothing left but picture frames

a messy bedroom i never got around to cleaning up

that my grandmother has countless wrinkles upon both her cheeks
from smiling too much as a child

I am a girl in love

and is there anything worse than that?

I'm trying to write a happy poem


I'm *trying

My dear,
You will never know the sheer magnitude of what I feel for you -
My human body is limited to expressing only a mere fraction of it.

My dear,
You say you know but you are foolish -
for I am unsure myself.

My dear,
All I know is this: what I feel for you is beyond reason -
it is beyond love.

My dear,*
I would give you the world -
but *alas.

"our relationship wasn't that dysfunctional!"

are you sure?  

because one day you decided you didn't love me anymore.



and I was okay with it.

Now I’m here with only four months under my belt while she had four years.

Four lifetimes.

For you.