I think keeping you in my life would have killed me in the end.

There was a long time where I found comfort in that because I didn’t want to live.

Now that I’ve eliminated that possibility I’m more terrified than ever.

Well. Here’s to the beginning of living and not simply settling on surviving.

the body will always remember
what the mind will spend
a lifetime trying to forget.
And there is just no running away
from that.

sometimes i seriously doubt
if i will ever recover
from this loss,
this bruise
from losing you.

sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night
to sweat soaked sheets and mascara-drenched pillow cases,
curled up in full fetal-position
and i think about you
and how i'm lucky that i even accomplish falling sleep
at all.

i think that's just the difference between the body and the mind -
the body won't stop contorting itself to match your
dissected heart
just because you did or did not decide to say
goodbye to someone.

and this is why i woke up with a knots like stones
inside of my back,
practically paralyzed
it's like my body is trying to punish me
for going against its
ferocious nature. all it wants
is to be back inside you.

sometimes i seriously doubt
if i will ever recover
from this loss,
this bruise
from losing you.

broken has made a cold home out of me.

I am an ocean.
And
you have
polluted every
inch
of me.

Not having anyone to fix or save or be distracted by is turning me into one vulnerable and terrified human being.

2. I’m surrounded by love everyday and it makes me realize that having romantic love with someone is not the be-all and end-all of life.

3. Sleeping alone does not make me a failure.

4. There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.

5. A solid friend and a hearty laugh is better than any one night stand or three month fling.

6. I am still terrified of being abandoned and do not want to add on to the list of potential abandoners at the moment.

7. What even is love?

8. I tend to attract addicts, of all kinds, and by staying away from them I sometimes wonder if I will ever meet someone who will want to love me for who I am and not the false sense of security and comfort I can so easily bring them.

9. I tend to be attracted to addicts, of all kinds, and by staying away from them I am learning how to make myself feel secure and comforted.

10. Manipulation can be contagious. I don’t want to go there again.

11. Trust is something I look back on fondly but is no longer something I have inside my heart to give to the next person who decides to love me. I’m working on it. I think this one will take a long time still.

12. Finding and keeping a consistent friend is making me want to find and keep myself.

13. I am exhausted.

14. Commitment makes me cringe.

15. Marriage is a lovely thought but would be a pointless reality.

16. I have a lot of healing to do.

17. Finding pleasure in life does not have anything to do with another person’s body.

18. *** is not a joke and should not be treated as such.

19. Neither should your body.

20. Forgiveness is a foreign land I have always dreamed of visiting.

21. It is entirely possible to be young and not reckless.

22. We are not invincible.

23. It’s time to slow down.

24. No amount of coffee, crying, sleep, wine, or romance will cure me of the unrelenting emptiness.

25. Nobody taught me that choosing to be alone is actually wise.

26. I am changing.

ever since i stuck that letter in your mailbox i have:

cried myself to sleep
slept for 12 hours straight
felt sad for having to wake up
smiled at people
listened to my coworkers complain about being overworked
folded napkins
broke a candleholder and swept up the glass
walked into a table and felt the brewing of a bruise
spilled coffee all over the bathroom counter
missed you
wondered when you would read the letter
or if you already had, then i wondered how
it made you feel
came to the conclusion that i am a terribly clumsy person
when i tell the truth.

i cradle courage

while i can. By the grace of

God, I can do this.