Don’t let this ruin your night. You can’t control it, you never could control it, and that’s the reason why you went crazy.

Don’t go back to being that girl who lets her sadness define her.

The pain isn’t going to go away overnight and you know that is why it is 2am and you are still awake.

You have so many people in your life who love and support you. I’m sorry that the one person who should be there isn’t. It’s not your fault and I wish I could make it stop. I wish love could make people better but it can’t.

Don’t let this ruin you. You have to remember how strong you are capable of being because you have to get through this. Somehow. I wish it was easier. I’m sorry.

I sent you three poems
that reminded me of you
that were written by someone else
to remind you
that even after all that’s happened
you will always be important to me
that even after all that has
been left unsaid
sometimes someone else can
sum up
how I feel about you
better than I ever could.
and for once I am not
eagerly awaiting a response
from you
because I actually don’t need anything
from you anymore.

I am okay
without you. And
I really do hope you’re happy.

Wherever you’re at right now in life is totally okay and right where you’re meant to be. Don’t let your mind try and make you feel ashamed for not being more “successful” or more “friendly” or more “independent” or more “happy” or more of anything.
You are growing and loving and crying and feeling and it is going to be hard and it is going to be painful but it’s also going to be beautiful and worth it too. You’re going to unintentionally help people by taking care of yourself. Because you’re making the choice to live and it’s the best thing you’ve ever tried to do.
Keep trying.
You are where you are meant to be right now and that is the truth and that is okay.

constantly torn
between being here and trying to
make the best of it
and wanting to be 3,781.9 km
closer to her.
constantly torn
between not texting you back
and feeling guilty because
you’re drunk and you miss me.
constantly torn between
what I want to say
and what’s preventing me from
saying it.
constantly torn
between dipping my foot in
the ocean of freedom
and then pulling away when
the tide comes rushing in.
constantly torn between
noticing how much I remind myself
of you while also noticing
that I am nothing like you at all
and not knowing if that is good
or bad.
constantly torn between wanting
you to hold my hand every second
of every day, while also wanting
nothing more to do with you
ever again.
constantly torn between
remembering and forgetting
misplacing and replacing
trying and giving up
I’m just sad because I feel like
the word
enough
shouldn’t even exist.

In one year we went
from being two planets
that revolved around each other to
one trick question written in braille on a blank page.
Only one of us could not see.

i've been in love four times
almost five
but i stopped myself
like the moment you feel like telling someone the truth about something
because they seem like the kind of person you can trust
with something serious and personal and intense,
but then you stop yourself before
it's too late to take it back,
it was like that,
it was just like that.

i've been in love four times
and in a way, they were all small
repetitions of the first
but i think first love is like that,
when it ends, you just want to find it again
but you can't and so you keep trying
and then eventually
you go insane
with repeating the same thing over and over again
while expecting a different outcome.

and it's like reverse repetition
when you stop looking for someone to fill
your holes. and i never thought i'd get to this point,
being content with, finding solace even,
in the possibility of dying
alone.
perhaps its because everybody leaves, but
it's not really that,
it's just that i think at this point
i would be the one
to leave them.

i keep having dreams
about you
they are another version
of waking life
and sometimes i wonder
if there is any way out
of the shadows in which
you haunt me.