i look for you
in the faces of strangers
they have your eyes,
eager and sad,
the eyes of instability,
the same brown as an old bruise.

i often wonder why i didn't
inherit your eyes.
perhaps it's a metaphor for all the differences between us?
there must be a reason
more significant than the obvious.

it's easier in the daytime,
when i don't have to think of you.
when there is enough light to keep me concentrated
on the endless distractions
that keep me smiling,
for there is always something to
smile about.

but nighttime is a different universe,
the moon, a lonely thumbnail.
it reminds me of how you used to chew your cuticles
and place them neatly in a little white pile
while we would watch an endless stream
of ****** infomercials.

sometimes you don't realize how much you were in love
with someone's naked habits
until they're gone.

when i was sick,
you would always make sure the washcloth on my forehead
stayed warm.

i miss that.

your guilt trips aren't working on me anymore

there's a difference between craving support
and craving attention
there's a difference between being fragile
and actually knowing it

i am fragile
and i know it
and i respect it.

you don't respect me you just want to take all the good
and leave the bad
i used to be indifferent but i'm no longer
staying sad

for once i want what i deserve

all i want
is real love

you're still wearing a mask

they say write what you know
so here it goes -

I know
that i was dying and you left and saying goodbye didn't even come out of your own mouth
I know
i quit a lot of things that day including wanting to live
I know
that if i regained the will to live after that then i can regain the will for anything
I know
that i used my body as a cutting board for your opinions
I know
that you think i gave you my worst and that's why you left
I also know
that if you couldn't handle my worst you can't come back saying sorry and expect me
to give you my best
I know
that i am proud of who i am
I know
that my heart may not be bullet proof but it is fool proof and that makes all the difference
I know
that you are a fool
I know
that losing me was your loss, and it's time
to put on your big boy boxers and deal with the remnants
of a deformed heart and a brainwashed mind
I know
that i did not feel safe as a child or as an adolescent
but that does not mean that i have to feel that way now
I know
that you made me feel judged and unsafe and unloved
and used and worthless
I know
that i don't need you now to feel okay
I know
that forgiving is not forgetting
I know
that i don't forget
I know
that if someone doesn't love you enough to stay with you
then they don't deserve you in the first place
I know
that silence is louder than *******
but that doesn't stop me from writing this anyway
I know that
i'm stronger than your fickle words
and the lack of character and compassion
they reflect.

it's strange seeing
where everyone is now,

how one moment we were little babies at our desks,
trading lunches side by side,
writing love letters and getting kicked out
of class
how we truly believed in the meaning of
forever,
how we promised each other
we would stick together, like glue
after everything we knew would be over,
when the cold hands of life
would tear the hearts out of our chests
at last.

it was strange sitting across from you at that table,
with nothing but two coffee cups to symbolize
all the distance that no word could summarize,
how i listened as you filled me up
with the contents of your life that i could not
digest,
"we are buying a house together, it's so exhausting always going
back and forth, you know?"
i nodded and smiled, wondering selfishly if i would be
invited to the wedding.
coming from a family of divorce, i don't have much of a stance on weddings
but i have always found the idea of them
beautiful.

it's strange when you realize
success for you maybe different for someone else,
success for them may be a house, a car, and a high paying job
success for you may be just taking care of yourself in the way that
you give yourself something to look forward to
in order to survive another day,
in order to truly learn
to live.

and it's strange because
there comes a point where you know
two lives cannot ever be
compared.

it's really cool
when you come full circle
in one sitting,
like,
sad to depressed to suicidal to scared to lonely to bored
to hopeful to silly to laughing to crying to laughing again
and have someone see
every single part of you,
and have them
stay
and it's like
****, i've finally found a soul
i can tell anything to
and they won't be scared away.

and it's like
oh,
THIS is what love is.
finally finally finally!

and it's like,
yes. miracles do happen.

y'know?

i need you more
than you need *****
i need you to hold me and tell me
a little good news
i can't play more than two notes without
breaking down
flashbacks of how you used to keep me
safe and sound

i must have been safe in the womb
you must have wanted me,
when i lived inside you.

all i'm saying is,
nine months must have counted
for something
something more
than this.