When someone loves their addiction more than they love you,
they will give you things
like candleholders and dried strawberries,
iPhones and giftcards,
midnight drunk texts,
they will hold out
an ashtray for your pain,
but they will cover their ears for they
have long since stopped wanting
to listen.
They will send you
on trips that lead to nowhere
but a dead end of endless guilt.
They will ****
with your head until you're convinced
that blackmail is love
and spilling the truth is hate.
They will tell you relentlessly
how much they love you,
how much they need you,
how you're the only person that doesn't leave them.

When someone loves their addiction more than they love you,
they will disappear for weeks, you will
forget what their voice sounds like
you will begin to miss
perhaps an idea you had of them
you will begin to question
if they ever did exist in the first place.
They will use you and you will think it's love,
your friends will shake their heads and tell you to run for dear life
in the opposite direction
and you will push them away because
they couldn't possibly understand the depth of this love,
they weren't there when you had to pick up the pieces,
and you will tell yourself
that they aren't there, still.

You will beg for them to stop
Maybe someday, maybe someday they will say
and you will hope and you will hope and you will hope
but they won't, they won't, they won't.

You will slowly begin to crumble
You will master the art of appearing strong
and you will find new people to save
thinking maybe just maybe
this time will be different
this time will be different
but it never is,
it never is.

And then one day you will have to make a choice
between truly living or truly dying, because yes, you see,
it will get that bad.
You will cry for days,
you will settle on anything less
than love.

You will have to finally face the truth
because something's gotta give,
it might as well be a first
or second
or third
or billionth attempt
at sewing yourself back up.

I have begun my waiting
for you to die. Should this make me terrible,
i am not sorry. No,
not yet,
i am not sorry nor
do i feel the need to be.

You stripped me
bare
shoulders, bones and all,
my quest to save you has ceased now
that i am
no more
than
a droplet of rain on your windshield.

You can't feel
me
you can't see
me
you can try to touch
me
from the inside but i will always be
looking at you from the outside
in just
like i've always been with that
precious bullet proof glass
between us.

Yes,
i have begun my waiting for you to die.

Intuition -

not a thought,
but a feeling.
It's the wild woman inside of me,
that keeps me strong despite
the storm.

It's a strange and sometimes subtle
truth.

It's louder
than ever before.

I spent four years of my life
Laughing, crying, loving, learning, smiling, singing, breathing
With you
You were my first love,
My best friend,
My soulmate.

Then I fell apart and you left my life
Without saying goodbye,
You got someone else to say goodbye to me for you
At the time, I blamed myself
Because I knew my energy was toxic and destructive and dark and terrible
And everyone knows it's hard to be around someone
like that,
someone who begins to devote their life to dying.

A year went by
We didn't laugh cry love learn smile sing or breathe
Together at all
All we shared was silence.
You changed your name, you moved away, stopped talking to your family,
And declared yourself enlightened.

Yes, I did play the victim for a while.
I used losing you as fuel for my self destruction
I felt worthless, alone, used, manipulated
I felt like a discarded piece of toilet paper to be quite frank.
I looked for you in other lovers, but nothing came close
To the love we had.

A year and three weeks later,
You message me and say
Hi, come over, I just want to love you.

Why?
Why now?
If you didn't want me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
You don't even ******* know me
And I sure as hell don't know you.

For once in my life you are telling me to jump
And I am not saying "how high?"
I'm saying take a hike, pal
I have something you can't touch.

You're too late.

what you don't know
is that at least one moment of every day
is dedicated to missing you, worrying about you, hoping for you,
needing love from you.

what you don't know
is that i can no longer tell you i miss you
because there is a literal concrete wall between
my head and my heart where you are concerned
to have and to hold you is
to have my heart ache and my head spin
and i can't do it anymore.

what you don't know
is that i think about you far too often,
mostly good things, but also painful things,
how much love we gave, how badly we both were suffering,
how in the end, the suffering consumed us.

what you don't know
is that i am so scared you won't be alive long enough
for me to tell you the truth about everything,
i'm scared we will never have "the conversation"
the conversation everyone dreads - the one where
the truth comes out
the conversation we've both been avoiding
for a long time now.

what you don't know
is that i wish we understood each other
i wish i could tell you how ever since i was a little girl
i have felt like i wasn't good enough
because you were supposed to take care of me
but you were getting drunk instead and so
i had to take care of you.

what you don't know is that
i actually do need you, even though i act like i don't
it's a defence mechanism, these walls are stronger
than your words
but unconditional love can break them down
in a second.

what you don't know is that i am way ******* stronger
than you could have ever imagined

you don't even know the half of it

It's okay to stop missing people
It's okay to fall in love with the wrong person
It's okay to trust too easily
It's okay to have your heart broken
It's okay to fall apart
It's okay to love someone more than they love you
It's okay to put up barriers
Because sometimes that's the only way we can truly be protected.
It's okay to choose anger over sadness because sometimes anger is easier to feel
But sadness will always return.
It's okay to pick up the pieces of yourself because only you can actually do that
It's okay to laugh as hard as you'd like to cry,
One thing at a time.
It's okay to recognize the damage you've done to your own life
It's okay to feel bad about it
It's also okay to take responsibility for it
It's okay to say sorry to the friends you've pushed away
It's okay to thank them for still being there after you've acted
Like a total self-absorbed disconnected disillusioned *****
It's okay to look in the mirror and hate what you see
But still say out loud: "I am beautiful and I need to be loved."
It's okay to cut the sick people out of your life, the people that **** you dry with their toxicity and false love and promises, the people whom you can do nothing for, and who can do nothing for you.
It's okay to wish you had a better mother or father or childhood
It's okay to leave and never come back
It's okay to give into the healing process
Because our bodies were programmed to heal.

It's okay

Maybe one day you will cry as hard and as long as you've been avoiding life itself
Maybe one day you will no longer be afraid of feeling the pain
Maybe one day you will see that this too, shall pass
Maybe one day you will see why I cannot have you in my life
Maybe one day I will see why you cannot have me in your life
Maybe we can all ease into forgiving ourselves and
Love a little harder,
Laugh a little louder,
Feel a little deeper.

It's okay if this happens,
And it's okay if it doesn't.

It's okay if I do these things and it's okay if you don't.
It's okay if you do and it's okay if I don't.
It's okay.

Giving up
is no longer in my repertoire.