Lynn For Now

Lynn For Now Jan 2014

First things first:
I have not lost interest.
I am not bored.
I am enticed, ready to live my life my life with one.

With THIS one. Forever.
I could marry him tomorrow and be the happiest person alive.
SERIOUSLY.

So, why am I so interested in knowing the person right next to him?
Why am I using my time to research this other person's life?

Neither is more attractive than the other.
Truly.
Both faces, both bodies, both appearances are identically entrancing to me.

I know who mine is; we have talked, laughed, shared ourselves with each other,
and I love him.
Stop telling me I don't understand this word.
Love means you would do anything, even die for another, and risk everything you have.
And I would.  I always will.

But I love meeting new people.
I always have, and always will.
I know you, but I don't know him.
I'm hungry to learn more about this person.

Is that what this obsession is? Nothing more than pure curiosity?
If so, why am I not content combing through the photos you two share?
Why does sending him a short message saying "it was great to meet you!" put my stomach in knots and make me sweat?

Why do I see you and, if only for the tiniest millisecond, wish it was him?

No way do I prefer him to you.
No way will I EVER choose him over you.

No way will I actually fall for your own twin...

But I NEVER intend for you to see this anyways.
I have no convincing to you to do.
You haven't accused me of anything.
I guess the only one who has accused me of this
is me.

But why try to argue with myself? I know I love YOU.  That's what counts.

So I'm not lying to anyone.  I'm not even lying to myself.

I just might not be telling the whole truth.

Lynn For Now Sep 2013

Preston, Come Back to Bed

As I lie awake at this lonely hour
I discover just how much you are to me.
I can't sleep knowing that you are out there,
Trying to reach goals that can never be reached.
You work towards the impossible:
Perfection.

I long for your warm body beside mine
And your gentle yet firm embrace that keeps me warm.
You need sleep more than I, yet I am wrapped in my blankets
while you continue to work.

You don't realize that not only do I want you now,
But I need you later.
I need to know that you will live to see a lifetime after this.
That you will not waste yourself now,
and decay from the lack of daily rejuvenation your body is craving.
You need to realize that I worry for you for us.

I need my Preston more than I need anything else in the world.
With every moment you lose sleep, I feel like I lose part of you.
Please don't detach from me.
You know I love you,
more than anything else in existence.
I die without you.

Lynn For Now Jul 2013

Two Sides of One Friendzone

The friend zone has two sides:
On one, the poor soul is trapped
Hopelessly longing for one who turns a blind cheek.
You sympathize with them,
because they suffer for having emotions.
They cannot be asked to stifle their passion.
Yet here in this pit, all emotions are paralyzed,
Who could be so vile as to banish someone to this place?

The other side is much different.
Not many strong emotions.
But there certainly isn't happiness, or even peace.
The overwhelming feelings are pity, solemn, and overwhelming power.
This vile person has so much power over the poor soul.
But did they ask for that power?
Did they even want that power?
No, they want to be equal, not above.

Fully aware of the pain they have caused, they are sorry.
To all of you.  Not just the people they have personally caused pain,
But to all of you who have fallen for someone like them and was burned,
It is unintended, and is painful for them too.
They feel evil and wrong, but have their own obsession.
They love their partner as much as you think you love them.
And they want nothing more than for all of you to find the person who is really meant for you.

Like I have.

You won't be happy with me.
Because I won't be happy with you.
But someone will.
And while you're wasting your time over me,
the person meant for you is waiting for you, longing for the hole in their own heart to be filled.

Don't continue to suffer, and don't keep them waiting.
I feel responsible for your scars. But only they can heal them for you.

Lynn For Now Jul 2013

Three Red Cups

I thought it would be a good time
Just a good time with friends
But it went way too fast.

I started with 3 sips.

It led to a drink
Then another
Then another.

I'm stumbling, trying to find my way.
I swear, it's a straight line.
Don't take it, I can have more. I'm really fine.

No, my sober friend wants a word.
She is going to ruin my fun, I just know it.
I walk outside, bracing for her yells-

But I can breathe again.
The air is so much better out here.
I realize, I have no idea what I'm doing, and I have had way more than I realized.

I'm so sorry that I got this way.

I want to sleep, but I can't fall asleep.
Must...Stay...Awake...

"Are you okay?"
No, I need to sit up.  Help me sit up.
"Let's take you back to your room..."

And I walk outside, and I walk up the stairs.
I take a few steps, take a few more,
But no, I need to stop now.
I see the trashcan and I need to stop.
I feel the burn in my throat as my body rejects the poison inside of me.
Now I can walk more.

My roommate takes care of me because I can't myself.
But now, she must help others.
I'll be fine.
No, I'm not fine.
I sprint to the bathroom
And it's burning again.

I call my Preston, and he helps me through it all.
All these sober friends are loving me more than I deserve.
He talks to me, keeps me awake,

click goes the receiver, because the burning has returned, and I'm too ashamed for him to hear.
I'm almost crying, because I'm just so, upset at myself.
How did I get this bad?
I never thought I'd drink so much, that I threw it all up so violently.

I call back, and then go to bed.
Trashcan handy
Trying with all my might to stay on my side.

It was so much fun before it all kicked in.
Being drunk is fun
But being wasted is a nightmare.
A night full of shame and regret and helplessness.

Lynn For Now Jun 2013

When the Alarm sounds

When the alarm sounds
I will wake,
Rub my eyes,
then see yours.
I woke up before you, so I shake you awake.

Press snooze

"Good morning"
groan "morning."

Cuddle these few minutes

30 minutes until class
27 minutes until class
22...

When the Alarm sounds,
We release each other.
Roll off of the bed,
Be pulled back onto the bed.
hands locked, legs entwined, lips sealed.

19 minutes until class...

Grab granola, cereal, juice,
Clothes... search for them.
Where did we throw them?

13 minutes until class...

Brush teeth, hair, grab deodorant,

10 minutes until class...

Come back you....

6 minutes until class....

I love you. I'll see you after class.

**This is how I want to spend every morning. I want to wake up beside you every morning, and embrace the day with you. Every morning and night is ours to share. Every kiss, we dissolve into one. We shall part in body, but never in spirit.

Lynn For Now Jun 2013

The battle before the war

Fear holds us back
It controls us,
paralyzes us,
and destroys us.
We can try to stop it,
ignore it,
or fix it.

Yes, we battle with ourselves, and will someday break through

So why must others battle with us too?

"It's all in your head...Just get over it...Everyone is afraid of something, and you need to stop worrying...Just do what everyone else does: Ignore it."

Well since when did family mean rejection and abrasiveness?
When did it become okay to belittle psychological pain?
Why must there be a battle with you before the war with myself?

I need to know that you genuinely care.
And I fear that I mean little to you.

If you are going through something and people tell you to get over it, THEY are the problem, NOT you. Depression, anxiety, all that stuff is NOT your fault, and don't let people convince you that you did this to yourself. Sometimes, we can't control the hormones that our brain sends out. It is normal, and ALWAYS ask for help, even if it takes a few tries before someone really listens.

Lynn For Now May 2013

You Were my Brother

You were my brother.
My first best friend I could trust.
She told my secrets, I couldn't trust her.
I could trust you,
have fun with you,
be smart and nerdy with you.
I loved you.

I told you how I felt.
You told me how you felt.
Miscommunication and a bird talking in my ear
ruined us
I lashed out at you, you apologized.
Why didn't I realize?
Yes, you are my best friend.  I'm sorry.  Don't leave now.
You didn't leave.

High School

You barely speak to me.
I am now uncool.
You are above me.
You mock me to your friends behind my back.
I convince myself that you would never....
I loved you.... you wouldn't.... would you?

Senior Year

Your best friend mocks me
cyberbullies me
nearly kills me by my own self-inflicting hand.

But what is this?
You could have stopped him
But I wasn't worth your pride.
You couldn't tell him no.
So I nearly gave up my life
Out of self loathing.

You were my brother.
I loved you.
You wanted to love me.
Why did you do this.

******* Benson.  I have no brother.  And no love for you.