conceived to the rhythms of Woodstock
          weaned on Watergate
                    raised on Trickle-Down Reaganomics
                              our adolescence taught us contempt for a government
          but our education kept us too ignorant to reach past the disillusionment
                   aging under a system of
                               corruption and greed
                    dying penniless
unto our birthright
as the
empty generation

in the last 6 years
I have learned the hardest part of all this
has been forgiving myself
and desperately hoping that
in the big picture,
some how all of this will make sense
or at the least,
through the passing of time,
the pain will have lessened
and acceptance
and healing will occur
making the idea that maybe,
just maybe,
all that talk i'd been taught,  
considered,
relied on,
believed in,
questioned,
doubted
but eventually rejected,  
about life after death
and of souls that go to Heaven
might actually,
possibly be true
and  that he is ok.  
Probably more okay than the ones he left behind.  
God,
and I pray there is One,
I hope Colton is ok.  
If there is no hope of ever seeing him again,
his death will never make sense to me
and life here on Earth
is simply pointless
and insignificantly meaningless.
However,  
I've chosen to believe otherwise,
and If I am to gain some lessons
and use my life for a greater purpose
rather than to continue living
as that all too comfortably familiar self centered,
ungrateful,
entitled person that I was
before that Friday morning,
6 years ago today,  
and am still but hopefully not as much,
his life
and his death
weren't in vain.

it comes with some difficulty being the mother of a ghost
but being your mom didn't end at your death
and perhaps it continues even after mine
for many years i thought you were out there, a missing runaway
i'd send you a simple msg
via text msgs, email notes, fb posts
and even though i now know the truth
you never received them
the words still ring true
"I love you and I miss you, Colton, and I will never give up hope of seeing you again"

i knew the second they cleaned up that baby and was handed him to hold
and i looked into his eyes
and shuddered
instantly
knowing he was the one
that my mom had threatened me with
"Someday you will have a kid that will cause you to get as many grey hairs and wrinkles as you have given to me!"

the mere poorly manufactured body that we are given
is such a flawed design
and piece by piece it lives way past it's warranty
and in the end
just the very act of living
has been too much for it to handle,

to fall in love and
to have ***** ***
to have fun picking out produce together at the grocery store

heres what i ended the night with; an IM to my 1st born son and his 1st born son:

2 hours ago
Egad, Parker finally realized that
he doesn't remember Uncle Colton
so he asks about him.
He asked me if he is in heaven and
if he ever met him since he got to meet Great Grandma Hook and
she's in heaven now.
It isn't the first time we've talked about him by any means,
but nothing as grownup as that.
Wowza.

about an hour ago
i have come to believe that the 5 day duration
in which Colton's soul/essence/love
left his body and
Parker's soul/essence/love
was getting ready to join his body
inside Christina's big belly
(reinforcing the belief that you pick your parents lol)  
that the two of them met in the middle,
had some transendental smile, fist bump and
wink to each other
in acknowledgement of ea other.  
I think time is a human Earthy construct
so it makes sense for me to say that
in that period of time,
they did indeed have a celestial party getting jiggy with it
as only an entire Heaven filled group of soul/essence/love's are want to do...

my proof of such theory will only become more evident through the years as you will notice that Parker does indeed shake his groove thang
in the same style
as your brother Colton....

everybody
leaves me
&
i
am left smelling their
clothes

1 day i was laying in bed
or at least sitting on the bed
cuz i lived in my bedroom
not even leaving  to use the bathroom
pickle jars work in a pinch and
watching the walls breathe
was a bigger priority
than having to speak and
look at my children
who might be able to
produce a feeling of shame
from within me
should they had made
eye contact with me and
***** too expensive
to risk letting  them ruin
a good thick 50 cc rush of dopamines gone wild
so i yelled out through the door
" have a good day at school,  love you"  
but my words held as much sincerity
as a nun on her 30th set of Hail Mary's
dutifully reciting rosary
to get out of bed
to give him a hug goodbye
was an absolutely preposterous idea and
after hearing the door shut
he walked out that door Sept. 26, 2008 and
he was never seen again.

I spend my time scribbling lines
trying to set my soul free
the only prison
I've ever known
is the one in my mind
which I've overblown
my life isn't so bad
that I can't tolerate
but the dissatisfaction
is what I truly hate

but in the end even justice,
as in a guilty conviction,
incuding the answers as to what happened
the day he died as well as knowing
the whereabouts of his remains
so that  i may complete my last act of mothering
and bury my son,
doesnt bring a dead 17 yr old back
to the life as we knew it
before he was murdered
so i look at that justice word
and i chop it up real thin
and mix it back up into a ball
and flick in the faces
of all those who harmed him
or was apathetic
towards my advocacy
on his behalf.

this  
isn't what you signed up
for
hoped
for
or expected
for
me to be
for
you

i found a bunch of extemporaneous prose,
screenplays and
other assignments that i had turned in for various writing classes that i had taken when i was going to WSU and
KS Newman (then College, now University)  and
i am happy to report that my pieces all got A's,
save for the one B-,
but after reading the teacher's comments at the end of the page about my refusal to get with the times by my continuing to turn in hand written homework rather than submit typed papers using the library's word processor,
i feel speaks volumes about the teacher's prejudices and
nothing about the quality of my sentence

My son Colton Ross Barrera
has been missing since Sept. 26, 2008.
I bet you can imagine how many times
I have typed that sentence...
I am finally reaching out to another mom,
perhaps for my own sanity...
I have had so many ppl say to me,
"oh Lynda, I am so sorry, I just can't imagine what you are going through"
as I would never have been able to imagine all this myself.
I had a slight interest in missing person cases in the past
but it was just another news story in my mind
and the ppl weren't real,
not until it hit home
and it was MY son that went missing...
I have been angry at God
and I have gone through all the stages of grief
and still go back and forth on those steps.
I remember when he 1st went missing
I made 50-75 phone calls a day.
now the phone is quiet
and there is no one left to call.
The police have put his file in a folder
and have labeled him,
not as handsome,
or quirky
or intelligent,
but he is stamped
with the label of COLD CASE.
I quit going to church
because I felt that if anyone knew where my son was,
they would tell me
and how could God be so cruel
and withhold such vital information from me?
I almost envy people that know
when where and how their child passed away
because they have a tiny piece of real estate to go to
and leave flowers
and have closure,
but I am also relieved
that not having a gravestone
at a cemetery plot to visit
still gives me hope that he is still alive.
In this modern day of internet,
I have his facebook account page
to look at
pictures of him
in which he never ages
and words written by him
which I wish I would have read
long before he went missing.
Time on a calendar
is marked
according to B.C. and A.D.
due to the life and death of Jesus.
I mark occasions
by how old Colton was at any given time--
"That re-run of Catdog came out in 2001? Colton was 11"
It is so bitter sweet
to watch Colton's younger brother grow up
and do some of the same mannerisms
as he did at that age.
My older son's have placed blame
and anger on me
and in some ways,
rightly so,
at my lack pf parenting
and causing their brother to go missing
and that has put a big chasm
in our relationship.
I suppose unless publishers
ever come out with a
"How to handle it when your child disappears and just seems to fall off the face of the planet, for dummies" book,
I will rely on the support
and guidance of other's who are traveling down this path with me.

my purpose of those yearly vigils
was primarily
as an effort for Colton
to hear
through the grapevine
in one form
or another
that he was
not only
not forgotten
but that he was
extremely
well loved
and sincerely missed
and to show Colton
that whether his leaving was unintentional
as in
afraid to come home for missing curfew
and 1 day turned into 2,3,4
and by that time he may have felt
that he had painted himself
into a corner
and I wanted him to
not feel embarrassed
or humiliated
that this had gone on
as far as it had
because, hell, the whole world that knew him
or at least his family
and friends
were willing to have a party
and he was the guest of honor!!!!
No, it's not like
I ever had that fantasy
that in the middle of pizza
the first year
or grilled burgers
that last year
that he would come walking up
and join us
although it was a comforting story
we all let run through out minds
at least once
or twice
as we planned these events
ea September
although
my once upon a time story
usually had Colton
walking in the back door
as i'm doing dishes
(see, it really is a fairy tale)
and in typical Colton fashion
he tries to play it off
tries to play me
with a "Hi, Mom"
and act like nothing had happened
and I am torn between hugging him
and grounding him
But actually
I know I would have done
what I always did
to all of my children
whenever they came back from camp
or being with the other parent
or whenever
I had gone away
from them
for any length of time
was sniff their head
and get that scent of them
just like when they were babies
although teenage head is not the same smell
especially if they haven't washed their hair
it's a mom thang
(Did you kids know this
or was I slick when I did this)
Or had Colton purposely planned
his get away
in an effort to start a new identity
knowing in hindsight
just how horribly stressed he had been
with events occurring to him
at such a young age of 17
and it was bittersweet
to hear the new Shinedown tune
playing at that time
Second Chance
where the singer tells his parents
goodbye
and I wanted him to find out
that the Colton Ross Barrera
that he had tried
to leave behind
was still very much needed to come home
And at one time
it used to scare me
that my son ran away
because he hated me
now i am sad
that my son
hadn't
ran away
and now I know
he didn't leave
and that his life
was
taken
from him
and yearly candle light vigils
(I didn't even know for sure how to pronounce that word until 5 yrs ago)
are not going to bring him back

I watched a
Jehovah
Witness lugging around
200 lbs of literature in a suit and tie on a
103 degree
August day and
I was thinking out loud,
God,
That can't be what you want from us is it??
What
DO you want from us? and
I heard in my soul the words
"Turn on the radio" and
I said nuh-uh!! and the voice said,
"Yes, turn on the radio" and so
I did and right on cue, the
Dj said, we don't normally do this but we've got a request to play this song one more time!
and it was this song.