if i had been a better mom he wouldn't have gotten murdered
stop being such a drama queen, even the serenity prayer insists that i accept the things i cannot change
i didn't deserve to be his mom so the lord gave and the lord took away
i won't let his death influence the way i raise his younger brother

i just couldn't do this any more
you know just how much i do love you
and always will
I know that is the forever part
and i do hope you're ok
it's just that you were making me crazy
i will always love you
and always care
maybe if things had changed
you should listen to all of your voicemails
you are so **** angry in every one of them
i knew that you can be a handful at times
but you are set in your ways
you won't take the blame for anything
it's always someone else's fault
i can't
just cant
handle this never ending complaining any more
it is too much for me to bear
i don't want to hear it for years on end
i'm not trying to play poor poor me
but with everything that i'm going through
and even worse
dealing with my children is such agony
and i told you
your ******* went beyond my ability to deal
but i tried so hard to be accommodating
idk
i wanted better for you  
but i can't want it more than you want it for yourself
i guess
maybe
we are best to just move on with our lives
i don't need or deserve the bs
and that is what it will end up like
i don't want to remember you like that
Get out while the getting is good.
Plenty of fish in the sea with no baggage.
maybe some
but none like you
i like that you are unique
cuz it takes a special breed of ****** to be with me as well
and i know i've have built this life of mine upon a huge foundation of my own baggage
Well, i don't need your baggage too if you don't want to change.
You are a sweet man
and you know my heart is only wanting good for you
i truly wish you no bad
cuz you are your own worst enemy as it is
we have enough misery individually
and  I hate to see everything bug you.
u have been a good boyfriend to me
and i respect that you've always been real w me.  

take care.

she always sent me butterfly stuff
when i was feeling down
and now
whenever i see one
i feel like it is her
telling me that she loves me
...so when i see a butterfly
i whisper to it, "I love you too, Mom"

I have a candle lit for him;
don't want to make a big "to-do" about today,
just a simple remembrance,
a simple prayer,
and hope that despite
or maybe because of this loss,
I can be a better person
and be a blessing
with a random act of kindness
for some one today
in his memory.

I spend my time scribbling lines
trying to set my soul free
the only prison
I've ever known
is the one in my mind
which I've overblown
my life isn't so bad
that I can't tolerate
but the dissatisfaction
is what I truly hate

Chautauqua I
lying in a field of tan the sun hits my back
I see a shadow of me or am I merely the shadow in this scene
The wind inhales and exhales
breathing at its own pace I can feel its calmness
Nature's unorderliness does have its own sense of pattern
the blades of straw yield to the wind without any hint of defiance
I am the only one that stands apart
out of defiance I decide not to bend
under all the straw hides the mud
makes me aware of
how wet the ground is under my boney ****
Chautauqua II
stopping to smoke a cigarette
I notice the vast difference in landscape
from the northern and southern views
the heat of the sun requires i take off my coat
and I allow
the wind to control the change in temperature
nature constantly surprises different beats various patterns
tiny minds
always try to find
sense in randomness
Chautauqua III
I, too, am on a chautauqua of some sort
this journey a quest for fulfillment
many seek it few obtain it
the given clues are false society's road markers
get me lost in wrong directions
the drummer
who marches out of step
not following the same beat
is blamed
no one ever thinks
to find fault with the beat itself
lying in a field of tan I begin to find my way

everybody
leaves me
&
i
am left smelling their
clothes

The sun must rise
as the ones deep
in sleep
Slowly feel their hearts
rising in its beats
a new day
another dawn
slowly I rise
coffee greeting
cig in hand
head foggy
of half fading dreams
and automatic
morning routines
Primitive are we
as primitive
as the ball we stand
Circling around
the great fire

is easier for me to talk
to you
from email
than in person.
blame it on the writer in me
what i loved more than falling so hard for you
was the knowledge that i had found more than a soul mate
but a best friend
who will always have my back
because  one of the hardest parts of being single
was knowing that i was facing this world all on my own
and just knowing that i have your hand in mine
makes facing what ever challenges easier
knowing we are in in together.  i
am so worried that if i lose my ability to communicate with you
that i will just find my soul crawled up in a tiny corner of my heart
and it will never come back out
and i will spend the rest of my life
just going through the motions
like i have too many times in my life
and i want my new relationship w you to be unlike anything anything i could have ever known.

I had to let go of my last crumb of denial that he was still alive
and although the pieces fit the puzzle as to what really happened to him
becoming a picture more horrible than i could have ever imagined,
the insanity of year after year of looking for a son
who seemingly vanished off the face of the Earth
was relieved of me.  
He didn't leave because he hated me
for being a failure as a mother to him
and I began,
from the moment I learned the truth of what happened on that day,
Fri. Sept. 26, 2008
forgiving myself a little bit at a time
right up this day,
6 years later in order to live with myself
and to be able to forgive those
that contributed to the taking of his life
and taking him from us.

but in the end even justice,
as in a guilty conviction,
incuding the answers as to what happened
the day he died as well as knowing
the whereabouts of his remains
so that  i may complete my last act of mothering
and bury my son,
doesnt bring a dead 17 yr old back
to the life as we knew it
before he was murdered
so i look at that justice word
and i chop it up real thin
and mix it back up into a ball
and flick in the faces
of all those who harmed him
or was apathetic
towards my advocacy
on his behalf.

i was so freaked out when i took couple of hits off that joint this morning cuz my first thought that there was no way that i was gonna be able to drink enough water to pass my **** test in a couple of days
and then i was so mortified that i would have to go back to day 1 of my recovery losing over 15 months of clean time-
THEN I ROLLED OVER
and in my half consciousness i realized to my relief that it was ONLY A DREAM
and i was fully awake by then
and i got out of bed mad at my brain tricking me,
glad that I hadn't relapsed
and in tears I got out of bed
and on my knees and thanked my Higher Power for this blessed gift of recovery!!!
I don't know if it was being on the nicoderm patch, PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome), or what, but I kinda think i will blame it it being 4/20

My child,
my 3rd born son,
although he wasn't my favorite child,
that role was reserved for which ever child needed me the most at any given moment,
he was the kid that was so much like me that we had the most extreme love/hate parent/ child relationship that 2 people could have.  
we had at one time the ability to say a single word,
maybe 2 and know what the others sentence was and to that,
the reply was a single word or 2 back kinda like that language that twins can have and we drove people crazy as they listened to us say 1/2 sentences which made no sense to anyone else but we laughed at our own private jokes that were sometimes told with 3 ****** expressions,
2 hand gestures and the sound of what turtles make when they are mating and we had hours of this.
had.

i knew the second they cleaned up that baby and was handed him to hold
and i looked into his eyes
and shuddered
instantly
knowing he was the one
that my mom had threatened me with
"Someday you will have a kid that will cause you to get as many grey hairs and wrinkles as you have given to me!"

this  
isn't what you signed up
for
hoped
for
or expected
for
me to be
for
you

the mere poorly manufactured body that we are given
is such a flawed design
and piece by piece it lives way past it's warranty
and in the end
just the very act of living
has been too much for it to handle,