My brain flourishes
With thoughts of destruction
I want you to hurt
I want you to worry
I want you to feel
That feeling of fury
I felt when you called me
A *****. When you compared me
To her. With your lectures
On smoking. You hypocrite!
Don’t you see? Your drinking
Is the same, as destructive as me.

Tell me a secret
Tell me a lie
Tell me I'm special
Then leave me behind
Whisper a phrase
That makes my heart skip
Hold me so closely
And let us touch lips

I don't like what we have
I feel like there's no point
I care for you, more than  you realize
But I can't keep doing what we are
I want you, ***, I do
I'll even go as far to say I love you
But it's a charade if I keep going
It hurts too much to know
You don't see me as I see you
I just can't keep fooling myself

The reason I’m never home
The reason I choose to leave
Isn’t to make myself happy
Isn’t to put a smile on my face
It’s to avoid putting a frown on yours
It’s to avoid causing your voice to increase
I don’t want to cause anymore issues
I don’t want to stay where I’m unwelcome
I just want everyone to feel better
I just want things to get better
I wish this had never happened
I wish that nothing had changed
But it has and now I’m someone different
But it has and I can’t do anything about it
I mourn the old life I lived
I mourn every second of the day
I hope that someday I’ll get better
I hope that someday I won’t change

I know I'm a *******.
But so much so that you can't even
Look at me?
Talk to me?
Fine, I won't hold you back.
Hope we'll smile again someday.

Running from the fear inside
Avoiding confrontation
Keeping secrets from the world
This is your one salvation
**** the idea of "Lord" or "Christ"
These fairy-tales do not forgive
All they do is blind your eyes
From the lives we really live
We are animals
Savage and cruel
Who gives a ****
About the Golden Rule?
We fight for love
We fight for lust
Oh **** it all,
It's because we must
No one has a decent thought
We're filthy and disgusting
We live for ***, drugs, and lies
We live for, simply, nothing

I don't mean to be a bother
I don't mean to think the way I do
I don't mean to act this way
I don't mean, don't want, to worry you

I kind of wish it were different
That we met after I had fixed all of this
But at the same time, this is me
And I know this is a part of me that will always exist

I know I'm not perfect
I know I'm not what's expected or noticed
But I really want to make you happy, and if I do
Don't let me go, and just let "us" consist

Of what it has been the past few months
Simple, easy, confusing, yes, but honest and true
If you want the truth, I love it completely,
Being honest, I just love being around you

Now, don't take this as a plea
For attention or some sort of relationship
Just take it as it is, and as it will always be:
A statement of who I am, who we are. I like this.

I'm nervous
To see your face
To hear your voice
I'm scared
Of what you'll think
Of how you'll act
You know me now
What's really wrong
I've let you in
And now I'm unsure
Of what to do
Of what to say
Of how to act
Around you.

Let me out
Let me see
The world outside
The world you hate
Let me hear
Let me know
The words you hide
The knowledge you wish
You could run from
You could shelter all
From learning, seeing, sharing

I don't understand.

There's honestly nothing else to do,
But sit here, think, ponder, wonder
What else can we do in this life, again?
Why else are we here?
That's what makes  us different from them
The animals out there
*******, *******, killing, living without meaning
It's our thoughts, our cognitive processes
Not our wills, our power, our strength
They have those, too, *******, I'm sure.
It's not our intelligence, either
Animals out there overpower us with that, too
It's the fact that some of us wonder, "why"
Some of us sit here and try to figure out, "how"
And some of us go as far as to figure out exactly, "what"
It is that drives us to do the things we do
We don't know why we do the things we do
That doesn't even matter in the long run
What matters is what we do
And how it happens
What happens after
And what is effected by the actions involved
That's it, that's all, that's good enough,
Right?
Question it, please!
Question our existence
Wonder why, how, what, because
No one else will and no one else cares
Why follow something blindly?

Do I love you?
You know the answer.
It's not even because
Of the obvious reasons.
It ***** I won't say it,
Because it's not mutual,
But at the same time
Why not?
I love your smile
But not just that
It's how your eyes join in
It's beautiful, adorable, and
Absolutely intoxicating
I love your laugh
When it's your real laugh
When you just let go even though
Everything's far from perfect
But at that point
Nothing has to be
I love your passion
Even when negative
Your will to keep going,
"Keep on, keepin' on"
I love when we lay there
And things just drift off
Despite all the ****
That moment's content.
Fine, I'll just say it:
I've fallen for you
Despite my best efforts.
I can't help myself.

I ****** up
But what does it matter
You only live once
Why not make
Stupid mistakes
That mean almost nothing
Until they bite you in the ***

How long until the day we die?
Will we get what we deserve?
Rewards for those that love all others.
Pain for those that hurt their neighbors.
Will death be fair, unlike our lives?
Will we obtain our deepest treasures?

Don't tell me you care,
'Cause you don't.
Don't say you'll be there,
'Cause you won't.
Don't tell me you'll help me,
'Cause you can't.
Don't tell me you need me,
'Cause you don't.
Don't sy you'll protect me,
'Cause you won't.
Don't tell me you love me,
'Cause you can't.

The murderer screams
Until the world ends
The liar still stands
As all falls to shreds
Tell me, my love,
Do you wish for their world?
Tell me, my friend,
Could you do what they would?

Don't say yes
Just so you won't reject
Don't agree
Just so you don't regret
Seeing some tears
Breaking some hearts
Because going along with a lie
Isn't half as bad as denying pleasure

I like it here
Way up high
Above the clouds
I love this mind
Where life is great
And all is bright
I can't be touched
So just don't try
To bring me down
To **** my spirit
To break my heart
'Cause I won't feel it

Everyone's a genius
Everyone's perfect
Everyone's loved
By someone.

So many thoughts spinning around
I just need to learn how to breathe
Keep me safe for one more night
But know once you're gone, I'll leave
I'll tie the noose, I'll down the pills
I won't think once or twice
I just want out, there's nothing left
There is no compromise.

I didn’t mean for it to get this way
I didn’t meant to hurt you
I wanted out
I can’t freak out
Please know I’ll always love you?
But only half, because, you see
I can’t fully commit
There’s someone else who’s here with me
I wish I could admit
That something is terribly wrong
She’s not saying much
She hates you though
She loves him, too
I can’t explain this now
I need to distract this
She’s getting mad
I’m getting scared
What the **** am I supposed to do?
Just go away
Please don’t come back
I can’t explain it
You’ll just get mad
I can’t tell you
‘Cause you never saw
How things changed
Could you tell at all?
Never paid attention
To the switching minds
You’re lucky now
You won’t have to see
Never need to deal
With the crazy inside me.

If I lie and say I'm better
Will that make you smile?
If I fake it and force through
Will things finally be easier?
If I pretended like everything's fine
As if the thoughts don't still appear
Will you be happy again?
Will you smile once more?
Will your voice not increase?
Will your hand stay by your side?
I hope so, because
That's my new plan.

I'm drowning in these sorrows.
I can't help but crash.
I'm wishing for tomorrows,
But even those won't last.

Don't start defending her
Don't start giving her reason to think
Nevermind
**** that
***** you
This friendship isn't one anymore
It's masochistic
And I can't handle it
Not anymore
So tell her she doesn't have to worry
Jealousy's a pointless thing
Don't worry about it anymore
You don't need to protect her
You don't need to put on a mask anymore
Because I'm finally out of the picture.

It's not about smiles
It's not about love
It's not about progress
It's about giving a ****
About the right people
People like you
Who help those in need
When you're not asked to
It's about looking outside
And seeing the beauty
It's about being alone
And not feeling lonely
It's appreciating the little things
Despite what's occurred
It's meeting new people
In a place so absurd
It's made up of choices
Based on the heart
It's made up of people
Who couldn't dare part
This is the point
Know that I meant it
Life is worth living
Don't you forget it

A sickening feeling growing, consuming
A secret obsession, the temptation unbearable
"Easier than living, breathing, seeing..."
The voices have not stopped
They constantly urge, encourage
Still she does nothing
In the dead of night, she awakens
Small shadows have eyes, staring
She drowns within herself, not knowing where else to go
Fear evaporates and the voices grow
They have never pressed so harshly
She cannot scream, cannot breathe
A burning sensation occurs near her wrist
She tries to stop but fails
Deeper the cuts continue
She has no feeling, can barely see
The voices have stopped, she's finally free

By looking at me
Can you tell?
I've got a lot more to say
And a lot more to sell.
By talking to me
Can you see?
Since I smile at you
You smile at me.
By watching me
Will you say
That I'm better alone,
That I should stay that way?
By remembering me
Will you know?
I feel lost like you
Just don't let it show.

Sleep becomes my sanctuary
Where else is there to hide?
My fear is my reality
It's hidden on the inside.
Save me from my slumber
I'm sick of hiding here.
I can't keep going under,
Running from this fear
Of love, of lust, of loneliness.
I'm scared of life itself.
Save me from this holiness
Of living in self doubt.
I'm stronger than I'll ever know.
This, I want to reach:
A realization I want to show,
And wish every soul to keep.
We all are perfect, pure and strong.
We all are capable of more.
If we just strive and we just long
To reach our full potential
I'm sure we'll reach nirvana,
I'm sure we'll reach our heaven,
For hell's a place we're all in.

I'm not ready to go back
To the appointments
To the schedules
To the numbers
To the people
To the strangers
To the anger
To the confusion
I’m not ready to conform back
To the person I thought I wanted to be
**** that!
***** this!
I'm not going to act like
What you think bothers me
I'll live the same as I lived here
It'll annoy you
You may hate me
I'll hate myself
But know what's funny about hate?
It never quite sticks around
Long enough to evolve
Into something more.

Good morning, my love, how sweet is the sun?
Good morning, my heart, can you hear the sound?
It's the song of the gifted, a song of the loved.
It's the sound of true freedom, a song from above.
So listen intently and remember what's true,
For someday the song will be silence to you.

Let the music consume your very being
Numb you from the inside, out
Escape the hell you were shoved into
This life you do not deserve, despite your doubts

Realize your true potential
You're worth so much, why can't you see?
This life you were given is the only one
Where your dreams can become a reality

These nightmares you have control you
Why can't you move past this fear?
Take what you do into your own hands
And don't let them see your tears

It's a comfortable silence and oh-so inviting.
Sometimes I'll miss the voices, though.
There's more hugs, but less laughter-
Smiles are almost extinct.
I try to picture crawling outside, but
I guess I'm not welcome out there.
I'm always tired, and thinking becomes difficult.
The mush in my skull likes to think it's a brain.
I wish I had a smoke.

****** little box
Let me out to breathe
****** little ****
Let me out to see
The world for as it is
Don't let my heart beat fast
I can't help but lose control
Please say that this won't last

If you were never given rules
Never given chances
Would you ever break them?
Would you ever take them?

Maybe it's time to think things through
You love me, but do I love you?
Something's giving me reason to doubt
Now I'm confused, do you want out?
I guess what I'm saying is something seems new
Just not sure it's me, but not sure it's you.

It's not to be skinny
It's not just for beauty
Guess you could say
For control?
It's not to be lovely
Not so you'll love me
It's so I'm okay
On my own.

The guilt I feel
Cannot compare
To the pain I caused,
It's overbearing,
Wearing me down;
I can't go on.
Let me dream
A dreamless sleep,
Let me never wake.

Look at your reflection
What monster do you see
Staring back into your eyes
Wishing only for tragedy?
Is it covered in blood
Crying out for vengeance?
Is it thrown onto the floor
Begging for deliverance?
Is it searching for truth
By creating horrendous lies?
Is it plotting and scheming
An enemy's unfortunate demise?
Does it cause images to flash
Across your innocent mind?
Does it plant a seed of selfishness
Making you utterly blind?
You are helpless beneath this Being
Unable to escape.
Eventually you will succumb to it.
This is your inevitable fate.

Let's take a drag together.
Smoke with me?
Breathe with me?
Take a year off  your life with me?
Don't worry, it's not that much
Compared to what else you could do.
Want to do that, too?
Why not?

I have a secret I cannot share,
For if I do it won't be fair.
You'll drop me faster than before;
Then I'll have no one at all.

In all honesty I just want peace
Within this mind I'm forced to keep.
I can't find help without a voice!
Who'd help one who can't make noise?

I hate this thing! The way I think
Won't ever change. I'm on the brink
Of sanity! What should I do
When all I want is something new?

That I want you all to myself?
In a romantic sense, of course.
Do I have to tell you?
Well that's frightening.
How about I just wait?
Sounds absolutely fantastic.

Pop them in the morning
Pop them in the evening
This is how I live, now
This is how I survive
This keeps the thoughts from surfacing
This keeps me from going crazy
But I'm drugged all the time
I'm hopped up, held down
Forced to keep on going
Everything's cloudy, nothing's real
Everything's bland, colours just fade.

It's pure, raw emotion
It's the feeling of passion
That fuel the spark between us
And pushes us to action
It's the sound of your voice
It's your skin against mine
That drives my heart to insanity
Makes it beat without time
It's your smile I love
It's your kiss that I crave
It's your heart that I hear
At the end of the day
The beat is my lullaby
Your voice, it's melody
And as I drift off to sleep
You tell me you love me

Some nights I'll live far worse than others
Some nights I'll want to re-do
But, honestly, I won't regret a single thing
Because these experiences and thoughts
Will shape the person I will become
Will help me help others create their futures
Don't stand here and judge the decisions I make
Don't sit there and stare as I **** up
Join me in living and making mistakes!
Join me in embracing the fact that we're human!
Embarrass yourself with me, act like a child
Leap off your pedestal you've made for yourself
Come join us, ****, down here on Earth
Live this life in a way that's worth living
Don't care about judgement and don't dare judge yourself
Just let go of those fears and all inhibitions
Take hold of my hand and I swear
You won't regret it for more than a night.

I'm kind of a *******
I make stupid decisions
But one thing I know
That's not a mistake
Is I want you so badly
To be mine.
I'm sorry I'm not ideal
I know I'm far from flawless
But does that justify
Does that give reason
To not try something
Like "us"?

Maybe it's time to move on
Maybe it's time to change
I'm not always for the melodramatic
But honestly I don't care
The words are too strong
The feelings are too deep
Why let yourself fall
If no one's willing to catch you?
To pick yourself back up
To force yourself to smile
I guess it's time to move on
I guess it's time to change

Sleep comes so slowly
When will we dream?
Time moves too quickly
When together, it seems.
Yet in those quick moments
I feel something new
I see something foreign
That's only in you.
You're always relaxed,
Always so pleased.
I can't seem to grasp
Why you're so at ease.
Sometimes I'm jealous
Of how you can live
One day at a time
While I'm still stuck in
A time yet to come
It gets quite exhausting
I don't want to worry
'Bout every little thing
Did you know that you teach me?
It's true and I love it
The lessons you've taught me
Can be found in just moments
You've taught me to feel
Even if it hurts
You've taught me to see
Despite when it burns
You've taught me true peace
(It's attainable by all?)
You've taught me a truth
I'm not scared to tell
You've taught me to dream
Even when impossible
You've taught me to speak
That words are unstoppable
You've taught me that confidence
Isn't hard at all
That even  myself
Can learn to walk tall
Adam, you've taught me
All of these things
I love you now and always will
And now know what that really means.

Give me a moment
Give me a second
Let me breathe
Let me think
Let me live
Let me sink
I want to fail
I want to try
To experience this
To experience life

I’m not sure how I am without it
Not anymore, it’s ******* toxic
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Just down another and forget to
Sleep, eat, or anything else
Just go out, smoke, get out of the house
What now? I’m broke with nothing to lose
Take another one, don’t worry, not like you can choose
It’s your lifeline, your sanity, I’m so ******* done
With these schedules and meals, just hand me a gun
I won’t shoot it, not right, I’ll aim for the temple
Maybe then I can relax and try to stay mellow
****, now I can’t show her, she’ll think I’m insane
For wanting to shoot my own one-sided brain
**** me, I’m tired, I don’t want this anymore
Cure me, ******* doctors, what else is there in store?
More pills, more help, more mother ******* ****
I’m done with this, with you, I’m tired of it.
Don’t tell me I have this, I don’t want to believe you
I’ll keep living my life as if I can do a “re-do”
Whatever, it’s fine, I’ll deal as I go
I don’t need this, I have this, just won’t let it show
Don’t judge me, don’t hate me, because of this ****
Grow up, acknowledge, I’m living with it.

Plaster a smile onto your mask
Fake that you're more than okay
Pretend the night is beautiful and young
And fight the urge to run away
Face your fears with more than angst
Find a place to keep yourself safe
And if anything goes completely awry
Get out before anyone knows why
Your secret needs to stay untold
The things you know cannot be shown
Be sure to hide behind that mask
And fool those that wish tonight was your last.

Maybe I don’t want you to stop trying
Maybe I made the wrong decision
Maybe I miss you a lot
Maybe I miss the nights we had together
I want them back, I do
Maybe I miss sleeping next to you
Maybe I miss kissing you
Maybe I miss the late nights of video games
Maybe I’m an idiot
Maybe I was looking at the wrong times
******* rosey-red conceptions
Maybe that’s all I keep seeing
But I miss you
And Maybe I still love you
Maybe I don’t want to move on
Maybe I don’t though
Maybe I’m wrong
Maybe I just need space
Maybe I just need to move on
We had problems
We had issues
But what if it was worth it?
Maybe we’ll never know