It's a comfortable silence and oh-so inviting.
Sometimes I'll miss the voices, though.
There's more hugs, but less laughter-
Smiles are almost extinct.
I try to picture crawling outside, but
I guess I'm not welcome out there.
I'm always tired, and thinking becomes difficult.
The mush in my skull likes to think it's a brain.
I wish I had a smoke.

This decision isn't easy
I wish I could let this happen
I have so much I want to say
You're my miracle, my blessing
Disguised as a mistake
I love you, I want you
But we both know I can't.
I'm sorry, I truly am.
You're mine, I made you
I never want to hurt you
This is all for you
Please, forgive me.

I'm smiling down at my defeat
Don't start to question how I think
Just soak in the beauty that only comes
From our single, absolute destruction

Ask me again how it is that I know
So many facts, but won't let them go
My fairy-tales, you see, keep me sane
They allow me to dream, not to say the same

For those I love; they must forget
All the things that they regret
Their lives have meaning, more for them
Than those who sink above their sin

Yet another sleepless night in this cold, empty space
What other option do I have but fall right into place?
Full of memories and truths that never seem to end
Despite how much apart of me wishes I could send
Each little fragment of all those times far back into my mind
I suppose it's meant to stay this way, but trust me, I am fine.

The guilt I feel
Cannot compare
To the pain I caused,
It's overbearing,
Wearing me down;
I can't go on.
Let me dream
A dreamless sleep,
Let me never wake.

If I had one wish,
It'd be to fly away
To a world I can live in,
To a land of decay.
Happiness, fulfillment
Are only illusions.
I want what is real!
Not lies and allusions.

Maybe it's time to move on
Maybe it's time to change
I'm not always for the melodramatic
But honestly I don't care
The words are too strong
The feelings are too deep
Why let yourself fall
If no one's willing to catch you?
To pick yourself back up
To force yourself to smile
I guess it's time to move on
I guess it's time to change

I’m not sure how I am without it
Not anymore, it’s ******* toxic
What the hell am I supposed to do?
Just down another and forget to
Sleep, eat, or anything else
Just go out, smoke, get out of the house
What now? I’m broke with nothing to lose
Take another one, don’t worry, not like you can choose
It’s your lifeline, your sanity, I’m so ******* done
With these schedules and meals, just hand me a gun
I won’t shoot it, not right, I’ll aim for the temple
Maybe then I can relax and try to stay mellow
****, now I can’t show her, she’ll think I’m insane
For wanting to shoot my own one-sided brain
**** me, I’m tired, I don’t want this anymore
Cure me, ******* doctors, what else is there in store?
More pills, more help, more mother ******* ****
I’m done with this, with you, I’m tired of it.
Don’t tell me I have this, I don’t want to believe you
I’ll keep living my life as if I can do a “re-do”
Whatever, it’s fine, I’ll deal as I go
I don’t need this, I have this, just won’t let it show
Don’t judge me, don’t hate me, because of this ****
Grow up, acknowledge, I’m living with it.

Take a deep breath
Just breathe
Life is beautiful
Not just as it seems
Look for the good
In all of the bad things
Don't let it turn you
Look for the meaning
Life is more
Than what you can see
Relax, and reflect
And let yourself be

Sleep becomes my sanctuary
Where else is there to hide?
My fear is my reality
It's hidden on the inside.
Save me from my slumber
I'm sick of hiding here.
I can't keep going under,
Running from this fear
Of love, of lust, of loneliness.
I'm scared of life itself.
Save me from this holiness
Of living in self doubt.
I'm stronger than I'll ever know.
This, I want to reach:
A realization I want to show,
And wish every soul to keep.
We all are perfect, pure and strong.
We all are capable of more.
If we just strive and we just long
To reach our full potential
I'm sure we'll reach nirvana,
I'm sure we'll reach our heaven,
For hell's a place we're all in.

My brain flourishes
With thoughts of destruction
I want you to hurt
I want you to worry
I want you to feel
That feeling of fury
I felt when you called me
A *****. When you compared me
To her. With your lectures
On smoking. You hypocrite!
Don’t you see? Your drinking
Is the same, as destructive as me.

Give me a moment
Give me a second
Let me breathe
Let me think
Let me live
Let me sink
I want to fail
I want to try
To experience this
To experience life

Pop them in the morning
Pop them in the evening
This is how I live, now
This is how I survive
This keeps the thoughts from surfacing
This keeps me from going crazy
But I'm drugged all the time
I'm hopped up, held down
Forced to keep on going
Everything's cloudy, nothing's real
Everything's bland, colours just fade.

Give me an out
I'm begging you, please
I can't take this pleasure
I can't take this pain
I can't take this pressure
I'm not completely sane
Enough to go through this ****
Not again
Not me

Too many thoughts spinning in my head
The smoke clouds the thoughts, makes them stop for a second
I can’t seem to fathom, can’t seem to think
For a second, for a minute, for one ******* moment
Save me, I’m begging you, from this sick mind
Save me, I’m pleading you, I’m sick of this mind
I’m tired of trying, I’m scared to keep going
Towards nothing, towards something, towards a goal I can’t fight for
Towards a world full of regret, towards a mind full of worry.

Every time we say goodnight
Every time we part
Ever time our lips touch, just once
Something happens within my heart

Every time you caress my hair
Ever time you hold my hand
Every time we sleep together
I try to grasp, to understand

Why it is I ******* us up
Why it is I took that chance
Why it is I’m drawn to you
Why it is I can’t understand

I tried to tell you countless times
I tried to make it count
I tried to help you see what I see
But it went all it did was go in and out

I loved you, alright?
I love you, still
I can’t help myself, really
And it’s starting to ****

Me inside and out
It’s starting to take
A toll on my mind
On my heart, just make

Things easier on the both of us
End things completely
Cut me off, and spare me
From this pain, already.

Every time I see the stars
Every time I stare at the moon
I think of each night we spent together
And I wonder if you think of them, too.

I ****** up
But what does it matter
You only live once
Why not make
Stupid mistakes
That mean almost nothing
Until they bite you in the ***

Everyone's a genius
Everyone's perfect
Everyone's loved
By someone.

****** little box
Let me out to breathe
****** little ****
Let me out to see
The world for as it is
Don't let my heart beat fast
I can't help but lose control
Please say that this won't last

Caged up
Locked up
By your own mind
Smoked up
Drugged up
By your own kind
Messed up
Cut up
Are you free yet?
Drift off
Shut up
This is the best you'll get

I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to try anymore
To plaster on a fake smile
To pretend like everything's okay
I just want to laugh freely
I just want to finally be happy
Without trying so ******* hard
Think it's possible?
Think it's plausible?
I sure hope so,
But **** praying anymore.

If I lie and say I'm better
Will that make you smile?
If I fake it and force through
Will things finally be easier?
If I pretended like everything's fine
As if the thoughts don't still appear
Will you be happy again?
Will you smile once more?
Will your voice not increase?
Will your hand stay by your side?
I hope so, because
That's my new plan.

I'm tired
But sleep is only temporary
I'm sick
But meds only help for now
I'm dying
But right now I'm still breathing
Please, help me
But we both know you can't

There is no magical savior
No "knight in shining armor"
There is only you to save yourself
If you ant to live, you'll have to stop
Drop the poisoned fairy-tales
Spoiling young minds with thoughts of good
There is only evil in this world
If you want to live you'll have to conform
No "handsome prince" to save you now
No friends can rescue you, provide you with escape
Do you really need them?

There has to be something different
Something better than this
Life I've found to be painful,
In the slightest way of saying it.
I just want to smile freely.
I just want to be able to fly
Anywhere with the one I love
The most, right by my side.

I'm too overwhelmed, I can't be helped
I just want to be able to breathe
I want to smile, I want to laugh hard
I want to be able to feel joy
But I can't, I'm stuck
In this rut called my life
I don't know the reason anymore

I don't like what we have
I feel like there's no point
I care for you, more than  you realize
But I can't keep doing what we are
I want you, ***, I do
I'll even go as far to say I love you
But it's a charade if I keep going
It hurts too much to know
You don't see me as I see you
I just can't keep fooling myself

You are the one,
But I'll never admit it.
It's not just an obsession,
It's a need, a want.
But who am I to say that
One person deserves another?

Tell me a secret
Tell me a lie
Tell me I'm special
Then leave me behind
Whisper a phrase
That makes my heart skip
Hold me so closely
And let us touch lips

I'm not about to be poetic
I'm not about to hide
Themes, morals, or lessons
Into a few lines or stanzas
I'm not going to talk of rain,
And how each drop is freedom.
I'm not going to speak of lightening,
And how each strike is of fear.
Instead, I'll just write
As if you're right next to me
As if you truly cared
For my scrambled thoughts

I was asked what the rain meant to me
I wasn’t sure quite how to answer
The rain means everything to me
The storm itself is a personification of life
It has a melody, a harmony, a bass line
It holds onto memories of the past
The sheet of water covering the earth
Has a second job of hiding the truth
While, despite this, everything is utterly clear
It allows us to indulge in our minds
The storm itself lets us lose control
Of our minds and instructs us to alter,
And see through another pair of eyes
In this moment, what can we fear?
In this moment, what can we know?
Fear of the unknown, fear of disaster
Fear of finding ourselves
This complicates things, makes us go mad
And so our frustration comes into play
We obsess and analyze every step
Until finally we succumb to anger
Everything stops us from going further
Our own minds have forced our control
But somehow, we take comfort in this
And as the storm calms
And as the clouds fade
Things seem to make sense
Once again, things were how they were
Where the sun continues to shine
And the moon appears in the night
Where life is so much easier
Than during that awful storm

The reason I’m never home
The reason I choose to leave
Isn’t to make myself happy
Isn’t to put a smile on my face
It’s to avoid putting a frown on yours
It’s to avoid causing your voice to increase
I don’t want to cause anymore issues
I don’t want to stay where I’m unwelcome
I just want everyone to feel better
I just want things to get better
I wish this had never happened
I wish that nothing had changed
But it has and now I’m someone different
But it has and I can’t do anything about it
I mourn the old life I lived
I mourn every second of the day
I hope that someday I’ll get better
I hope that someday I won’t change

Good morning, my love, how sweet is the sun?
Good morning, my heart, can you hear the sound?
It's the song of the gifted, a song of the loved.
It's the sound of true freedom, a song from above.
So listen intently and remember what's true,
For someday the song will be silence to you.

I'm kind of a *******
I make stupid decisions
But one thing I know
That's not a mistake
Is I want you so badly
To be mine.
I'm sorry I'm not ideal
I know I'm far from flawless
But does that justify
Does that give reason
To not try something
Like "us"?

Do I love you?
You know the answer.
It's not even because
Of the obvious reasons.
It ***** I won't say it,
Because it's not mutual,
But at the same time
Why not?
I love your smile
But not just that
It's how your eyes join in
It's beautiful, adorable, and
Absolutely intoxicating
I love your laugh
When it's your real laugh
When you just let go even though
Everything's far from perfect
But at that point
Nothing has to be
I love your passion
Even when negative
Your will to keep going,
"Keep on, keepin' on"
I love when we lay there
And things just drift off
Despite all the ****
That moment's content.
Fine, I'll just say it:
I've fallen for you
Despite my best efforts.
I can't help myself.

So many thoughts spinning around
I just need to learn how to breathe
Keep me safe for one more night
But know once you're gone, I'll leave
I'll tie the noose, I'll down the pills
I won't think once or twice
I just want out, there's nothing left
There is no compromise.

I'm drowning in these sorrows.
I can't help but crash.
I'm wishing for tomorrows,
But even those won't last.

Makes me feel alive
Makes me feel like this
Makes everything real
Like, holy ******' ****!

Don't tell me you care,
'Cause you don't.
Don't say you'll be there,
'Cause you won't.
Don't tell me you'll help me,
'Cause you can't.
Don't tell me you need me,
'Cause you don't.
Don't sy you'll protect me,
'Cause you won't.
Don't tell me you love me,
'Cause you can't.

Don't make me look and see
Please, just let me have this
Don't take this away from me
This little bit of happiness
Don't tell me it could **** me
That what I'm doing's wrong
I know it's not, I promise you
In fact, I think I'm strong

That I want you all to myself?
In a romantic sense, of course.
Do I have to tell you?
Well that's frightening.
How about I just wait?
Sounds absolutely fantastic.

Let me out
Let me see
The world outside
The world you hate
Let me hear
Let me know
The words you hide
The knowledge you wish
You could run from
You could shelter all
From learning, seeing, sharing

I don't understand.

I want him to want me
I want him to need me
I want him to like me
I want him to see me
I want him to kiss me
I want him to hug me
I want him to hold me
I want him to love me

It's pure, raw emotion
It's the feeling of passion
That fuel the spark between us
And pushes us to action
It's the sound of your voice
It's your skin against mine
That drives my heart to insanity
Makes it beat without time
It's your smile I love
It's your kiss that I crave
It's your heart that I hear
At the end of the day
The beat is my lullaby
Your voice, it's melody
And as I drift off to sleep
You tell me you love me

Fear overwhelms me
As my forgotten past
Reaches to the surface
And decides that, at long last
I'll remember all those feelings
When we left that day
Oh my god, I'm sorry
Was there no other way?
I was told not one thing
I thought things were fine
Daddy stayed at home,
And I didn't realize 'til time
Decided to pass us by
That things were not all right
Why did we leave daddy?
What if I wanted to stay?
Without mommy there was no screaming
Why'd we have to go away?
He's still there, I know he cared
There was no need to shout
He loved me and I left him
With that I had no doubt.
I didn't understand
This stranger took me in
Why'd she make us leave our home?
What was his greatest sin?
And why could you not tell me
What was going on,
Instead of lying to my face
Pretending you were strong?

Composure, relax
You must remember how to breathe
Stay silent, shut up
It's not your place for what you think
Be patient, don't worry
Why is this so hard to do?
Don't question, just follow
I just can't stand this "me and you"
It's nothing, don't worry
I just wish I had the *****
To take them, to pop them
To end this life, to heed the call

How far will it take me
How high will I go
Before I'm dropped back into
A new place, so low?
I wish I had wings
I'd stay there forever
If only.
I'm sure
I love it too much
Oh well, I guess
Have to let it go
Can't have your cake
And eat it, too
So I'll stay on the balance
For as long as I can
Before I fly too high
And crash way too low.

I'm nervous
To see your face
To hear your voice
I'm scared
Of what you'll think
Of how you'll act
You know me now
What's really wrong
I've let you in
And now I'm unsure
Of what to do
Of what to say
Of how to act
Around you.

You were right, you know
You kept me safe
You made me happy
But now I'm put here on my own
And I'm scared
I want to fall asleep in your arms again
I want to feel your arms around me again
I want to feel your lips on mine
I'm scared
I'm nervous
I don't know what to do
I'm lost
I'm lonely
I don't know where to turn
I'm trying to remember what it was you said
You were smiling, you were happy
You were so cute, I couldn't believe
How badly I wanted to kiss you
And so I did
And I felt better
You're right; no one else can take care of me
Quite the way you do
And I really like that.

Take a moment
Just step back
Seize what's out there
Now relax
Keep in mind, now
What you're told
Don't forget, though
What you know