I'm just so sick of looking in the mirror every morning I wake up, just to see someone I hate in my own reflection,
I struggle to take care of myself, I don't have the motivation to even get dressed just to face the day's rejection.
I wish I could just fight back, but I always give in and the routine is beginning to get to me to the point it's a self destructive habit,
Where's the reason everyone tells me about to look at the bright side when the only comfort I've ever felt was in my own casket.
I hear when you tell me there's a way to walk with my head high, but there's another voice telling me not to bother because it's a waste of time
And the voice has been by my side for years, ever since I was a kid it's been my only friend, and it is what's killing me, and that's why I rhyme.
It's the only way for me to cough up the courage to speak out about how harmful I am to myself and how much I need to get help, but I'll always be scared,
I don't want people to view me as a weakling who can't even walk outside for fear of hearing the words about me, I may act strong but I'm truly impaired.
I know I just write the same thing everytime I sit down and I can never change the topic, it's all I've ever known and I'm sorry,
If it feels like I'm burning up both of our time and I'm sorry if it feels like I've pushed you away because I hate when you worry.
If these words ever strike you as alarming, don't fret because I'm too much of a coward to even come close to ending my life anymore than I've ever had,
But again I've been killing myself over the years by picking up alcohol, drinking away the feeling so I wouldn't remember it in the morning, and it makes me mad.
It makes me mad that I have to resort to destroying my own body just to forget the moment and to pretend that I'm happy when it's just the drugs talking,
Some days I'm not even sure if it's my choice to wake up and start the day off or if it's just my hangover telling me that I can make it today. as long as the pills keep popping.
I'm fortunate to not be dead, but at the same time I can say the opposite, because I'd be fortunate to be dead, but yet again I'm already in that situation so what do I know,
All I know is that I'm not living to be who I am and I'm just living by this disease's intentions, and all I can hope is that one day that I find the medication to help myself glow.
To show the good I have behind this ******* I push myself to be to just try and feel something other than empty, even if it means a rage that makes me hate myself even more,
So which is the lesser evil between the two, being a terrible friend who can't even bring himself to talk to you, or be a terrible friend who can't control himself and slams the door.

I called you father, I called you daddy, now all I can't call you anything, your a faceless name to me now,
Why did you leave, why did you yell, why did you hit mommy, why did you let anger get the best before you took your bow.
Why couldn't you ever swallow your pride and take the blame for your mistakes, Why must you blame me,
What did I ever do to you, what did I ever say to bring upon this burden of a father who's actions won't let me be free?
I tried to be the very best, I tried to make you proud but to you, I'm nothing but a mistake, I ruined your life,
Even though I was there for you in your darkest times, I was there for you to cut the rope and take away the knife.
I saved you and you destroyed me, now how's that anyway to pay your child back, for giving you another chance,
How's that any way to repay your child who would of gave up anything for you and not give it a second glance?
Now you're on the curb, needle in your arm, passed out from the high you could never achieve, the fake smile plastered on without any grace,
The age has been catching up to you father with no name, father with no memories I can cherish, father who has no face.
Even after all you've done I still cry, I still love you, do you know how hard that is on a child,
God I wish I never knew you, I wish you never tried to be my dad, I wish every memory of you was burnt out in the wild.
But **** if there's ever one thing I'll ever have the courage to choke up, to ever find the strength to scream,
I'd tell you how you failed your own flesh and blood, I'd tell you how you let down the child you birthed, how I wish your memories were nothing more than a dream.

I always hear kids say no one knows the pain they're going through, what it's like to be them,
How they're all on their own, without a shoulder to cry on, let alone someone who'd listen, someone to call friend.
I just want you to know that I know the feeling, I know how it feels to be isolated from those whom you care for,
You're never alone, you always have my words to be by your side, don't dig yourself into place and lock that door.
Look at me, I'm living proof that you can pull through, you're still alive, do not give into those thoughts,
Never let those who can't understand the feeling be the ones to bring you down, it's a war I know you can win, it's a war I fought.
Don't let go, I'll be here to hold your hand through the darkest times, there's a reason you just don't know,
The defensive wall you built up to hide all you've ever felt, it also hides all of those who've felt the same pain though.
It's never going to change unless you let someone in and I'm willing to be the one to help deconstruct this cell,
I'm willing to be the one to take the first step along your side to help carry you out of your isolated hell.

I know on the outside I've always looked strong, but I've always be afraid of trying,
I've let the past mold me, I've let the memories get to me and scare me into these endless nights of crying.
I just need someone to hold me, to never let go and make me feel safe and make me feel new,
Please just comfort me tonight, I'm tired of these days were I can't help but sing the blues.
Please just never let go of my hand, I need you by my side to make it through this life I live,
I just need a friend who's there for me, I know my love isn't much but it's all I can give.
Just give me a reason to fight for another day where I can feel the light and the warmth of the sun,
Give me a chance to live for something more than this drunken facade, drinking my life away has lost its fun.

The past few months have been nothing but a spiral down into the bottle of self doubt,
Emptying the bottle of pills, drowning out my sub-conscious until I'm in a dizzy drought.
Walking through life, barley alive, each step feels like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders,
Falling over out cold on the pavement, staring at the night sky, wondering how the stars keep their composure.
There'll be moments that I pretend that I can walk on my own two feet, without this crutch,
But who the **** am I kidding, every night my body yearns to feel the cold concrete's touch.
I was born with this curse of always giving in, and then to cope, I try to poison my mind,
To keep myself from searching for something that I've vowed to never find.
So if you want to be there to kick me while I'm down, just take a seat by the curb,
I'll be there in a few hours after the alcohol has reached my liver, poison waiting to be adsorbed.
Take as many shots as you want at me, I'll be numb to the world for the night,
Kick me, beat me, tear me apart because until the morning I won't be conscious to put up a fight.

Everyone always says that they'd rather be dreaming than be awake and face their life they are living,
I'd rather never fall back asleep for the fear that I'll see your face in the nightmares you are giving.
I always end up waking up in a cold sweat and pounding heart, head in my knees, shaking from the cold air you left behind,
The feel of your skin sends shivers down my spine, keeping me awake for the rest of the night, the cold brown eyes have left me blind.
If I try to sleep, will I wake up again in a jolt, or will you take me with you and never let me see the world for what it is again,
Will you hold me in the unconscious state, to relive every memory, every word and every lie, make me live in the world that you've covered in sin.
I look away but I am forced to see that you will never leave me alone, whether we are together or apart,
You will be in the back of my mind, influencing every decision, every word until the final beat of my heart.

One day I will learn my lesson and stop chasing after those who will never give me a fair chance,
I'll learn that I'll never be good enough for anything or anyone, I'll never get that spotlight dance.
The only thing I'll ever be good for is a bullet to the head and an early grave without a tombstone,
Everyday is another chance to better myself and make a new life, but I'm happy knowing I'll die alone.
Go ahead and tell me that you care and that there's a chance for me to be happy, because we both know it's a ******* lie,
I won't be happy, I won't be successful, I'm a nowhere kid who's only accomplishment will be the day I die.
Go ahead and tell me that there's a reason to breath the air into my lungs, that there's a reason to embrace the day,
But say it without that lost look in your eyes, because every word that you choke out, is just ******* that paths my way.
We all know that I have used my ambitions on nothing more than reasons to drown myself in this self-pity, this self doubt,
To drown myself in this poison until I'm living from the bottom of this bottle, hoping every night that I'm able to black out.
All I can ask is what do you do when you have nothing left in you, what do you do when you can't even feel alive,
Put on your cement shoes and fall into the ocean, the lifeboats left without you, so take a breath and take a dive.
Let the cold waters embrace you, let them fill your lungs and drag you into the deep blue, to the ocean floor,
They're the only thing that'll ever hold you close, the only thing that'll stay by your side as you breath no more