You are real..
You aren't imaginary
Even though I know that

I can't help, but feel
That one day
I'll wake up
Open my eyes
And see that you were all in my head

A dreamt up
Imaginary waste of time

When you are near
I feel as if I am alone
So why should I believe you are real

Your presence is less than lively
Your words ever dull
I feel no comfort from what you say
Or how you look my way

Your words are like the cafeteria lunch menu
Back in school
Very bland with nothing new to show

Your words are like a record stuck on repeat
The same old lack of enthusiasm
The same lame response
Time after time

Your words drain me
They **** my creative heart
It's as if they set fire to all the things I had hoped you'd say

Your words,
What little you say
Drive me to madness
To tears
To hopelessness

Whenever will you learn?
Expression is what I yearn for,
Passion filled words are my desire
A man unafraid to show his own heart

He's so peaceful
While I'm so full of rage
I'm trying to fight a war
That I've never won

A war before his time
Started nine years ago to be exact

I lost a huge part in the fight back then,
Something I didn't realize
Would affect my world today

It wasn't a fair fight
I was so young, so naive
Even though I believed I was grown,
That I was strong

I realize now, I was weak
I let myself get trampled
I let myself lose

The loss is still going strong
I fake strength
But I'm as weak, if not more than before

I need peace
I need to accept the loss
I need to move on

I need to let myself break down the wreckage
That has slowly destroyed me

It's in the trenches we fall
When our roads get icy

It's in the sky we look
When our world is dry

It's in the fire we look
When life is cold

It's in your eyes I look
When I want to see love

It's in your kiss
That I never want life to end

I'm going to bury myself a hole
And cower there
For all the things I've done
And who I've become

I want to disappear,
And not face the irreparable damage
That I've prepared

It's a waste land
My mind
My heart,
It's been misguided for a beat too long

I've decided what's best
And now I must carry on

It's the sadness that comes along
Surprising me into thinking
That perhaps I'm wrong,
Perhaps I should entrap myself
In this unhappy jail for a longer sentence

That perhaps my heart is right, and my mind is wrong
That perhaps I'm meant for sadness
That happiness is bad

I'm a clean disease,
I attach to you
In a sly way

You don't realize you've been poisoned,
In your veins
In your heart

You don't notice,
That your blood pours out
Lining the tiles of the bathroom floor

You don't see,
The way your skin yellows
Creating your jaundice complexion

You don't hear,
Your breath as it catches
Due to the smoke filling your lungs

You don't feel,
Your heart as it...
Slows down...every minute
Of everyday
The sound of each beat, deafening

I'm a creeping disease,
The symptoms sneak,
They sneak up on you

Breaking you, slowly
Breaking you down
Until you're crashing

All your bones are snapping
Your heart can't take it
It stops,
You eyes rolls back in your head
And you're gone

All that you were is in the past
And I've won
I've beaten the sickness of love

It's my birthday
I'm a year older today,

It's all going by so quickly
My life is sprinting

It has been four years since my family split
The separation of it
Still doesn't fit

I still get upset on major holidays
When I have to choose which one to visit

I still hate the negative tone
When I hear my Father say my Mother's name,
As if speaking of her in a positive way
Would **** him

I'm older today,
Yet, I'm still broken
I'm a clay *** shattered
On the tile floor

I'm still missing some pieces
That fell behind the door

I'm still in shock that I'm twenty-four

Yet, I'm alive and well
I'm young, and breathing...
Although, just barely
The pollen suffocating me

I'm free to be me
I'm not tethered to a pole
I'm not chained to a cell
I'm not knocking on the gates of hell

I'm free
I'm young
It's my birthday today,
I might as well celebrate

These secrets I keep,
Are hidden behind an invisible thread
That I've woven around me

This thread,
Tightly securing
All that I hold deep

The world may creep up on me,
Cast out shadows
That ordinarily...would cause a girl to scream

But, I'm not afraid of the dark
I'm not afraid of much of anything
Other than, letting him see the real me

My *****, gritty insides
The scars that never healed

The decomposing lies
The dust that flickers past my eyes
The ghosts that haunt my mind

It's dark, it's morbid
Maybe too frightening for anyone to see

For once,
I want to rip the thread to shreds
Let the darkness seep out of me,
Like blood in the morgue

I want to bury my fear,
In a deep grave

Lock it up in a tomb,
Bar the doors so I can't look back

I want to show him who I am
Through unfiltered means
Without fear,
Of what could be.