I dyed my hair ash brown
Ironed it
harsh and fierce
I cut thick forest bangs
that hide my angry brows
and flirt with my long
black lashes
I dipped my brush
in bursting green
and painted my lids
to disguise the navy
emptiness
within me
I stained my lips roaring red
matching the words
that I hide, tongue to cheek
Nasty verbs and abashed adjectives
want badly to sneak out
and terrorize your every insecurity
I bleached every tiny tooth
bright wicked white
to flash towards terrible
wreckless superficial you
I lost five pounds
to fit into my saphire body-icon
attire
and don't worry, darling
my ******* are still naturally
huge and angry
from being objectified by you, *******
and I know that every
******* person
will think I'm a
goddess
model
queen
moviestar
and ****, I'll look like one and flourish

you will merely turn your head away
while I head to the bathroom
like a lush loser
cursing your ways viciously at the door
of your ******* gay boy bar stall

I've been missing
authentic selflessness
devoted kindness
and the soft laughter
you let out
when I used to do things
like try to cheer you up

I've been missing
fiery conversations
deep and vibrant
they used to dance across my face
every time I had a stollen space
alone
with your voice

I've been missing
grace within strangers
the signs of simplicity in nature
The way you'd stuff me into your
envelope embrace
and those hearty compliments
that  I used to save up for calloused
malnourished days

I miss
you impressing my brother
with your dutifulness
and natural peace,
showing big bright flecks of acceptance
in your eyes

I miss
the lightness I would feel
the second I pulled into our parking lot
and saw your muddy shoes outside
our place

I miss
noticing the yellow parts of the day
brought by your soothing spontaneity

I miss
laying my wild heart down at night
and being able to close my eyes
without wasp anxiety
stinging the lining of my stomach

I miss sleep and
the way I used to be with you.
Pure     beautiful     lovely                and utterly unique

I should be ecstatic
I should be breathtaking the second I walk
into the room with you
I should be full of effortless perfection and captivating laughter
I should hold you like the rare gem you are
polishing you, weightless by your worth
I should weep with sweet gratefulness over our stunning photos
and memory keepsake moments
I should be a beauty queen rolemodel
exhibiting class and coordination and intelligence
I should be ravishing in your love,
a kaleidescope of pinks and yellows and magic
I should be bathing in the taste of your devoted kiss
and sunning under your Carribean embrace
I should be a blonde hair blue eyed American dream

Instead of a
Miserable maniac that can't even write a        *******          poem.
Instead of a terrible daydreamer,
bored by the periods at the end of your sentences.      .       .
Instead of a tarnished transient seeking foolish adventure
Craving endless oceans, cliche flight humor, and saving
animals I didn't even know existed to begin with
Instead of a jaded view from every set of empty eyes
Instead of an indulgent *******
that wants more than this terribly wonderful life
that you've offered me.

I really should.

I lay restless in your arms
like a toddler filled up on Halloween candy
I'm filled up on doubts of you
I said "I do"
and ate that too
I scarfed sadness and cynicism
but became stuffed
trying to eat up all my
hesitation for hope

Now
with swollen stomach
and a hungry heart
All I want is to purge
this lonliness digested

what kind of a person would you be without the threat of consequence?**

Vindictive
Sneaky and seductive
Luring every lost man
that stumbles into my undeniable grip
I'd wrap them tight with my blonde tresses
and tangle them with burning kisses
Leaving them stagnat--stuck
weaping for more
I would be a beautiful siren
singing softly to sailors
destroying their blue and gold
just to get to you

If there were no consequences
I'd love you with all my heart
Instead of being such a ******* idiot
wasting time on sailors, and models

Instead of fighting happiness with angry closed fists

I won't tell you
when I arrive "in town"
I'll lurk among the streets
that hold your name
in the pocket of their sidewalks
I'll crawl among the bars
that snicker with gross amusement
while I drown in ***** irony
I'll kick out the color
of the fallen leaves
That I fell with last week
for you
at the foot of your fashion-forward boots
I'll hug on strangers
that have that same
curled smile
and sad one-note expression
that you do
and I'll dance until every pore
is rid of the memory of your touch
and I'll swig every stout
until my thoughts can't even grasp
the memory of your name.

You are a model
a bartender
an accountant
a casanova
a catch-22
a poet
a pitiful romantic
and


a tormenter of my heart.

It would be a lot easier
if you

weren't beautiful

I've drank a thousand beers
I've smoked a million cigarrettes
I've ate at least a hundred Twix bars
I've watched Breakfast at Tiffany's hours on end
I've flirted with every male waiter that brings me
unfulfilling dish after unfulfilling dish
I've bought weekly **** dark outfits
and I've spent my life savings
on beautiful MAC make-up and a new Legacy
and pumps I think you'd like
I've gotten my hair colored every color I can think of
I've tried being an apathetic punk, an upbeat cowgirl,  
a wide-eyed polyanna, a harsh madonna, a ****-you-feline,
an emotionally charged marilyn, and a classy Diane
I've memorized witty jokes, and roasts, and rivetting last lines
I've modeled and sang and became an athlete
I've played hard to get, I've played easy and teasy
And I've twirled my hair and crossed my legs
and learned to walk while swaying my hips
I've ran miles and kilometers and meters and
I've lifted weights and done zumba and yoga and hiked and biked and

****.

There's no comfort                                  and no          getting    to                                        ­                    you.

Last night
I shed my black slacks
like shedding a sticky solemn skin
I opened up my arms,
feet twisting among the mauve carpet
I soared over the couch
caressing the curtains
they posed as my truest
partner to my fluid fiery dance
I shook out all the anger
that had been launching out of my pores
I twisted my arms softly over my head
shifting the ache and pain
from my chest, through my stretched out arms
all the way out
to the popcorn ceiling
I arched my back, lifting pointed leg
bending all of those burdens
out of my bones
I untwisted my tightly knit bun
and let all my curls fling
hurling the insults
out of my tresses
that I'd been carrying
on top of my head
all day
Finally I knelt down
as an ellipse
to the dance
that I will pick up again
the next time you enter my world.

I'll never let you hold me captive.

Can we just be
what we need
from eachother?
I know we are both
forbidden
to one another
but what is wrong
with fulfilling
every nerves ending
with euphoria?
Society would say
otherwise.

Hello,
nice to meet you.
Who am I? Trishanna.

I'm raw launching emotion
in a rainbow world
of  flurried dreams.
I'm a manifested awareness
of the tiny details
in every individual
I come across.
So when I go to repeat my name fifteen minutes after
meeting you
I'll see your hardened eyes
your questioning buttoned brows
and your soul that's aching
for me to ask all of the questions
that I'm not supposed to ask (the real ones.)
so that you can answer
in a non-civilized
un-socially acceptable way
In hopes to experience, for five minutes
in this god-awful church room
the feeling of being alive
pulsing with originality.


What do I do for a living?
I eat up heartache
and swallow down yearning.
I soar through the clouds of my mind
a thousand miles wide
towards every fiery vice.
I write with fierce passion.
I flood with tears.
I sing to the beauty
of rarity.

I'm a student. I'm a counselor.                                           Blah. Blah. Blah.
I'm this human, waiting for
a dialogue so much richer than this.

Your name. Your occupation. Your age.
They've robbed you of what you really want to experience with an introduction.

I keep finding myself
folding your laundry
staring blankly,
my ach clinging to our empty walls
I keep finding myself scrubbing your pots and pans
grit shoved up into my fingernails
black as the lies and the vapidness
that follow me across the state
everytime I flee your side
I keep finding myself shaking my head at your reflection
forcing myself to say something kind
why can't it come naturally
like the salty taste of yearning on my lips

I keep finding myself trying to find you
and accept is as part of me

but I can't.

I wish it were enough
But it never will be, my darling

You could kiss me with
The yellow of the bursting sun
Idolizing every inch of my skin
You could twirl the ends of my hair
As if it were your world's glowing fringe
You could create the deepest ******
Curling my toes every rainy moment
You could stain your garments
With magenta messy love for me
You could thrill every wave of
My ocean eyes
Or grip at the seams
Of the fifty thousand cotton dresses
I shed this summer
You could binge on my sadness
Until you've gorged your life blue
You could compose every sonnet
Every melodical romance
Every crushing poetic stanza
You could write my name
All over the walls of your heart

It would never be enough
My love
It will never be enough

I can only stand poets
and artists
and those who choose to be my muse
I only like punk band musicians
angry feminists
and men with great hair, to use

I admire, only, those who speak in metaphors
who journal and protest and listen to the doors

I don't give a **** about models
or actors or politicians,
weeds lining their inner cheek
dandelions spat, everytime they speak

but most of all
I can't stand your mother
the way she holds me captive in her box
"sit still porcelain doll"
she says as she smothers
as I try to become the fir, the froth, the rocks

could I be your hadley richardson?
your delicious pear
you cut into
owning green flesh
cat, soak in my sweet nectar

could I be your bumby?
your Ezra Pound
bashing of heads
against the lead of pencil

I leafed through the DSM this morning
diagnosing every ******* person in my life
incessent character flaws,
maladaptive responses
that ache in my mind,
and shatter my "normal"
expectancies of human behavior

In all of the descriptors
"has a strong desire to be the center of attention"
"is often inappropriately provocative or sexually seductive"
"Exhibits odd or eccentrive appearance/behavior"
"Seeks excitement and stiumulation, often acting on impulse"

the only person I could really diagnose
was me                                                                        your therapist

I have one day off
24 hours solidarity
You'll be on your fifth buzz of the weekend
and I'll be swallowed by our sofa
wondering

how     the hell      did I end up here?

A sparkling ring on my finger
a beautiful dimpled mate
pricking perfection
I've lost myself in how-was-your-day's
and smiling photos of me in white

and then right when I think
I'll never be found again
underneath the ruins
of ironed button up blouses
and twice baked potatoes

My old faithful accord,
the only item left that resembles me,
will summon me
onto the road

and I'll drive forever
until I'm home

Flying flesh biting
mosquitos
buzz around secretly
strolling up our arms
and making a meal
from our salty sunkissed surface

we let them feast

for all we are aware of
is the sound of our skin
shifting to reveal
the simplest touch

and those mosquitos
could probably swallow our hearts
while we compose music from our eyelids
clinging eye contact
sparkling iris to iris

even the old willow is inspired
to offer a flirting notion towards the river,
skipping her branches near the edge
of the receding tide

at the sight of us

So weary
am I
but the second
I let my head forfeit
and lay upon that pillow
Energy is thrusted into my veins
a longing for something more
for every man in this world
to fall in love with me
and for what?
to be a beauty queen?
to be a temptress?
Oh foolish terrible
animalistic
heart
You are my ache
my vice
this world is only but
a mere man on the moon
reflecting hopes and dreams
and cloudy lust
Please
can just one man
enter my world
without me
immediately
and permanantly
becoming his prisoner

I often wonder

why some people

in our lives

swiftly enter

and land on our hearts

as if that beating *****

were a cloud of safety



and why

you had to leave

so quickly

I had you for awhile

my dear

you fed my hunger

you were my dessert

my freedom

my fire escape

my gripping emotion



I miss you everyday



I yearn for your hands

your widows peak

your long calves

your intensity



but this world is not mine for the taking

my love

it is mine to fall in line with

unless I will always be

a victim of your love

of my love

There is nothing left of me
scattered bones for your choosing
you pick up the whitest of ivory
tangled veins and passions and smiles
thrown across this room
You wade through
like a thrifter
at a garage sale

The last of me is here
keep sake memory boxes
rusted and jaded
You can't bear to look at the letters
tear dropped stained
and restless within your heart

These are my remainders
***** hands
crossed legs
and a stomach well
of lost dreams
You cling to my sunken eyes
and spider web eyebrows
they whisper the secrets
of your longing lust

This is all that is left my dear
a tormented mind
filled with rainbow fantasy
drenched in clouded reality
A gripping song
that you flinch when you hear
it clinging to the walls of the starch room

I am nothing but a ghost
a fleeting scent
a mysterious movement
through the shafty
curtains of your aching presence
a graceless haunting

I thought I was stronger
a champion being
of swollen muscles,
arterial achievement

all along my vessels
depleted
unable to thrive
in the you

Malnourished
Adrenal Medulla demanding,
chanting
"beat! beat!"

return to functioning.        please.

I arrive
Altered and away
Hungry
Hunting for your crooked smile
your forest thick roots
your red hurt
your tangerine lips
your towering stature
that offered my infant soul

a famished freedom

I search for answers
in others eyes
in poetry
and lyrical salvation

You're in all of them
my muse, my idiotic refuge
I feel alive even thinking about your skin
your simple movement
the way you curl your fingers around my hair

I come home
away from my toxic trembling addiction
I step into my platonic robotic role
pick up arm
put around husband
smile
keep going
somehow

if my time was inscripted
love letters to you would shock
this world I've created so innocently
for myself

this world of longing
and an empty stream of foreign trash
unnatural being

I am that stream