I've got to be real with you
because I've never
been one to be fake
Telling the truth is messy
but it's a risk I'm willing
to take.
I've done my fair share of
forceful forgetting, taking
smoke and pills straight
to my face.
If you see this mom, I hope
I'll still be your son
and not a disgrace
not just another mistake
Like the marriage you lost
to alcohol, a pack of lies
costing four dollars and
sixty-nine cents, and a foot
too slow on the brakes

I can't tell you I've always
been good, acting like
I knew I should, no
I've lied a million times
I've cut a million lines
the carcinogens burning my eyes
till I go blind
I used to want help but
now I scream to the world
"I'm fine!" and ya know what
I just might be lying
it wouldn't be the first time.

But a brain in altered states
doesn't know it's in a cage
it feels like ink flying
ripping away from the page
or the main act on the
main stage.
So don't look on me with hate
or pity, or disgust
I'm doing the best I can
I'll move and change my name
if I must, but I swear one
day, I'll be okay
in that you can trust
and if you see me now, Ed
just know that even though
you are dead, all the things
I've done to erase my past
you're still sitting inside
my head, I still dream you
up while laying in my bed
I hope out of everyone
you understand everything
I've said. because I'd hate
to let
you
down

I just want to
live in the lazer lights
And breath in
the thumps of the bass

She makes the sand,
the sand seep away.
Little locket on her chest,
with her steps a gentle sway.
Though her eyes cast
a tender gaze,
her fiery heart sets the sky ablaze.

Dry rain and dry puddles,
never will she stop.
'Til she stumbles to her knees,
the dusty ground, fiercely hot.
She cries out in pain
and laughs through tears,
a withered smile
of withered years.

She sees me.

Her faces relaxes,
her lungs give out,
her limbs betray her
and with one final strain she says:
*I can't hate.

We all said how much we hated it
that little town with nothing to do
we cried and called about its absolute
           waste of space.
Oh we would leave it and be
                                                      Glad
­No one ever even whispered a
maybe I'll miss it
just a little bit. or
                                           I lived here my whole life
****
Then I went back to visit
and for the first time in years
                  I was having a great time
                      in that little town we all swore
                                we'd never
                                           go back
                                                            to.

I walked through Bath and Bodyworks
inhaling every possible scent
                straight up my
                                          nose.
                ­                                          Burning my sinuses with
                                                            Ging­erbread and Spice
                                                           ­       Cinnamon Clove
                                                           ­          Fresh Cupcake
                                                                       Winter Berry
                                                                             Calm
so that even the smallest remnants
                                       of your smell
I could not intake and kept myself
from once again
           falling asleep wearing that
                  sweater that I took
                             to pretend was
you.

sometimes
I
f
  a
     l                     y
       l                 l
sometimes I  f

The first
time I smoked
was with a
dead
friend.