I'm a fool that can't fall,
No I'm resistant to it's spell,
It's charms,
It's torture,
The mystery of it all,
I'm a hopeless romantic,
Too afraid to love,
And that's just sad,
But Love,
Is sorta strong, and strange,
But yet I refuse to let it in,
I got some China Walls protecting me from something more powerful then the huns,
From the outbreak of love,
The glorious disease,
Everyone else was bitten, but me,
I took the vaccine,
I knew the worse before I was able to really want cupid's arrow to enter,
While everyone else was getting bewitched,
I said no,
And ran far away,
Did not stop those others from falling,
No matter how much I advise them,
They weren't as strong,
They were hit,
Struck by amore,
And I stay resistant

I don't think you'll ever understand me,
Like the way I do you,
The way I'm constantly unhappy and do the things that I do,
I lie,
And I sometimes tell too much truth,
But I still want people to like me,
I mean doesn't everybody?
Not that I'll change,
I'll stay the same of course, but I wish I wasn't just watching,
I wanna stop looking to be like you,
But being different has its vices,
No one gets it,
I may sound like an the infamous teen angst,
But really, never have I ever met another who truly gets my brain,
I'm an alienated person who likes knowing she's in control,
I won't party or drink because what if I do something that isn't me,
That's the reason though people do those things,
I'm not like that,
I sorta wanna be,
Have fun,
Every now and then,
Just throw back my cares,
For once,
Be free,
Just for a day, I don't wanna be me

She was a lost girl, riddled in a lost world, wondering what was up or down. And I knew the path she might've taken if it weren't for my mistakes. I loved her, honestly I did. Without control or any logic in my mind I wanted her to be mine. But she ran like a little scared deer, a fawn in the woods. I had nothing but a bow. With my arrow I withdrew and shot that pure heart of gold. She fell to me, and I was her downfall ready to slaughter. Oh that pure fairy that lay there with her broken wings. How foolishly I strung my bow so quick. Love was our folly and I was a fool lost to it's power. How dangerously I licked the flames of those lips. To poisonous for my mouth to grip, I was overtaken with a lust I could not contain. I was so confused and then shot with pain. How could I let love take on me this way. My brain died and my heart was fried, I'm a lover lost to his own demise. And we fought and cursed each other with words we can't deny. I left her. With the arrow still within the blades of her shoulder, never to return again, but forever she'll have my heart and my bow. Never will I string another arrow.

I want you not.
No, my heart can beat without you,
So I don't yearn so desperately for you, I wake not in the middle of the night waiting for you, not able to sleep until I see you,
I wait not at my phone wanting you to call me whispering words of earnest and encouragement,
Never do I walk around the park wondering where you are,
But I need you,
As stupid as it sounds,
You may not consume my every thought,
But your existence is vital to mine.
And I did not want nor ask for this.
But my heart and every heartbeat are in vain for living without you is impossible
For though I can go on not wanting you,
I am so utterly and desperately in need of you more then I have ever wanted to be or even should,
Nobody should need somebody so terribly,
But I regrettably do,
For without you a 'Me' would be well, a worthless ******* without meaning,
But with a you, that me has a purpose,
Though it not be finite or ideal,
It is a purpose whatsoever,
Although I should not need you so **** much,
Especially since you seem to be living life just fine without me,
But my thoughts and pounding heart  go on in the hope that one day you will actually need me,
As I have been in so long of need of you

I am a girl,
And I hate details.
I hate the little things in life that seem to cause so much trouble, I hate decorative pillows, accented candles, and making sure I eat some pinterest recipe meal my friend sent to me on thursday.
I don't like the minor things in life, such as cleaning, or cooking, and making sure I get to bed on time, or if my hair ever looks right.
I walk around with no makeup usually, sometimes wear the same shirt twice in a row, if my hair is semi greasy, then let it be under a hat,
I'm a girl, I won't wear the right clothes when it's 50 degrees, or I forget to take my medication so I wake up all clogged up from my allergies. I don't always eat right, and drink coffee way too much, and I don't dream of my dream wedding dress I like to think of other things that make sense to me.
I don't get upset with C's. If I passed at least I passed. I don't always make it to class, and though I wish I could be a neat freak, I can't, cause that's not me.
I am a girl who can't stand the little things in life, like perfect date nights, or pleasantly planned events, or fretting over if my earrings go with my outfit.
I like the messiness of life, unexpected relationships, random calls, winging assignments, and trying not to make everything make so much sense, It doesn't matter, not a hundred years from now, I live through the rhythms of my own heartbeat. Yes it's troublesome, and I am always late, and I quit jobs, and make irrational decisions, cause I don't like the details, I like to flow with destiny and fate and see what happens nonetheless
and I really don't like rules...

When there is pain in your chest and your not sure what to do next,
And you feel like the whole world is about to cave in,
Like someone ripped out an ***** or two and replaced it with fire,
Like hot lave, burning in your once cold hard veins,
And your not happy,
Like every inch of you is on the edge of tears,
Or breaking down into the atoms that can't seem to stick together,
And you feel like you got nothing to do,
Or you have so much to do, you don't know where to start,
And taking another breath,
Just hurts,
Like ******* in pine needles,
Puncturing your lungs,
And even air has become your very enemy,
Even your friends can't stand you,
And you can't even begin to stand them,
Cause they all got lives now, that you are not apart of,
You just watch,
Like an outsider,
A frightened spectator of taking a few risks every now and then,
That's what it feels like today

And now I only realized how important you were to me when you left,
Like you were cinching together the ruptured rip in my heart torn apart by all that I've done for love,
And I felt as if it wasn't there,
Nothing went wrong either,
And if it was wrong it didn't matter,
Cause I knew that somewhere out there,
You were caring about me and would be sad to hear about me being sad…
So therefore, because you cared about whether I was happy or not,
I was indeed very happy,
But oh that evil fate that has an reared it's ugly head,
Faces me head on,
And now,
I lie missing you and wanting you and caring more about you then I ever did when you were so within my reach,
When you were there to ease the wounds of my heart,
The aspirin to my aching soul,
But now, I hurt more then I ever did before,
Cause you aren't even within talking distance,
And I try to remember the times when you weren't,
Somehow they were erased from memory,
Only to be replaced by the sweet iridescent moments of when you were there for me,
So boy,
Don't forget this heart you have so carefully and regrettably harbored for she will have a hard time forgetting you

I'm not some movie screen actress,
With that perfect frame fit for a queen,
Yeah,
I got my loads of imperfections.
But if you like this face and my ungracefulness,
Maybe the stars above ordained us to be more then friends,
For I got some meaty thighs,
And I'm not a 00,
And my hair has a possessed demon living in it,
Yeah I'm messy and it's unbelievable that you wanna even be with me,
But that's a nice thought,
To know that your crushing hard,
And you'll let me snuggle in your arms on occasion,
So maybe I'm too stubborn now to let you in,
Or I don't see what is so ever amazing about a girl so messed up in her head,
And your so nice and sweet and ever present,
Gosh I just want us to be together,
Maybe though if we were,
You'd finally realize how clingy I can get,
Or how the wounds in my heart have't healed quite yet.
I just don't want you or I to ever get so hurt,
Because you should know by know,
I'm so far from your idea of perfect

Brandon,
I'm sorry that I wake up late,
I'm sorry I'm sad a lot,
I wish I could have your smile,
when things look so bleak,
You mean a lot to me,
Unfortunately I'm a ******* up emotional wretch,
ramming her head into walls,
Not knowing what to do next,
And right now its worse, cause I feel like I'm carrying the world on my back,
And its about to break my own neck,
And I worry too much,
I just want it to all end,
Heck, I need some real good medicine,
And funny thing is I still can't stop thinking about you,
Turns out,
I'm not that tough as I act,
I'm a china glass doll ready to crack,
I'm sorry for today,
And the tears I shed,
Its probably the weather or this cold or something,
We'll get through it together,

I just wanna be kissed by you,
Again,
Because when I did life made sense,
Not everything was so messy as they are now,
Life wasn't so scattered.
I didn't have a job or homework load as high as the mountains,
I just had you,
And that was all I needed,
Now,
I need that,
Thats all I need,
A kiss,
But not from just anybody's lips,
I wanna look up into your eyes and you automatically now that I need kissing badly,
And that feeling of knowing that life is gonna be ok and I'm gonna make it because someone else out there actually is fond of me even if I don't always look right, which is a rare occasion nowadays.
And when I'm bruised and hurt from a long day of useless work, it's ok because the warmth of your scrawny body is enough,
So just know I crave your mouth on mine,
Expressing affection that I need so **** badly,
I need more than air to keep my heart alive, for right now it's operating only on lies that boys keep trying to tell me,
"Your pretty, your perfect, your wonderful,"
In the back of my mine,
Why are they wasting my time when they barely know me…
But you know me so well, and when to kiss me, which i need right now
No matter how foolish or stupid that sounds,
I need you now
And those lips to tell me how much I matter

Give me back my shell,
My hole of comfort and understanding.
Where I face not the hard and weary world,
Give me time to myself,
A me time that only I can comprehend.
I wanna rip the cord of constant connection and just let the thoughts and soul settle like the bottom of the ocean.
I wanna just relax and be able to be myself,
ALONE,
Without another,
And nobody seems to get that very well
At least not anyone I know,
So if anybody were to love me they need to understand this,
I'm a half introvert,
And that half needs some time to recover at times

I think that he might love me,
Although I mean it's hard to tell,
Cause he won't confess,
But still I look into those eyes,
And I see him look at me,
With an endearing smile,
Like as if I've created happiness,
Just by looking back at him,
But I don't know,
Maybe,
I'll just keep staring back,
Lusting for his lips to be pressed upon mine,
But he won't very well do it, will he?
And I want him to prove that with more of a look,
That he likes me,
Maybe,
He'll do more then just stare back
Someday

You're so **** beautiful boy,
And you don't even know it,
Like I look at you and you inspire lyrics,
I can't even prose a real voice,
One look of you turns me into an unrelating author of love,
I can base books off of you,
Tell the whole world my love of you in a book,
Yeah, it's so crazy,
But gosh you make me lose it all,
Make me want it all, want the world and lose my soul,
And I don't know if I love you and all that other ****,
But boy, I'm wanting to write words that last centuries about you…
Why?
I don't know…
Something about you just stirs my insides,
I can't help but wonder why the hell why.
I'm not obsessed, but for sure I am desperately wanting you,
Not sure if the feelings are to be ever requited,
If not,
At least I got to look at you...

It's ok to not be ok.
What do I mean by that?
I mean it's ok to feel sad or angry or even confused.
It's ok to not feel right.
Yeah, so when you feel bad;
Just let the feelings ride up and down your spine.
Let them mingle with your heart, terrify your brain,
Because it's fine to be stressed and not everything tight and perfect. Be messy. It's what were good at.
Our sticky atoms and our multiples of molecules don't have to be in shape all the time. So cry randomly, break down and flip out,
Cause I'm telling you keeping it in, holding whatever is making you anxious is only killing you. So let it out.

How I'm fragile,
And all around me the earth burns,
With a fire,
An all intense power,
I watch with a heart broken,
Watch with eyes bent to heaven,
As all the others look to hell,
Not any feeling or word of mine could help,
But I watch, untouched, yet inside I could only imagine the burns

I'm lost,
Some time ago I lost my way,
To tv and friends and video games,
And now I lay here on my bed confused as ever and broken,
I missing the world I once held dear,
So busy have I let everything become,
Who am I and what have I done,
I'm a lost broken girl trying to overcome my own brokenness,
With my own selfishness,
And lately it hasn't been working,
I feel like a absolute failure,
I've lost my soul to this world,
this crummy god forsaken earth,
That taunts and toils away with pain and agony,
One where people get mixed up with drugs to make them feel nothing
And I feel everything,

You,
You and those pale blue eyes of a full moon,
How I cannot stop thinking of you,
For some reason you've entered my mine like a scar on my body,
There is no erasing or forgetting,
I've locked you into my heart,
I cannot bear to think of letting go,
The infection has spread and I've been shot by cupid's bow,
But our fairytale is beginning to end,
You are not the once you I first met,
And I'm hurt and terribly mistaken I fell for a ruse,
A **** ruse of promise,
Now I'm alone and unsure of what I've gotten into,
A long summer ahead, of fear and unsurity of what next step I may have to take,
I don't wanna lose you, just win what I somehow lost,
I wanna whisper lost secrets in the edges of the night,
And look towards a morning of more you, The you I once knew,
Please make it all come back soon

I'm cold and weary and tired,
I want sleep,
and sleep and sleep

I got a song in my heart,
But no one one will let me sing,
It's aching to be broken up to be heard,
A charming melody,
But I got all this **** homework.
And it's too cold outside to fly,
The weather is dead.
And my insides are slowly dying,
Not worth another try to sing,
I'll put down my instrument and try another day

Kiss me,
Like now,
Like hard,
And intense and meaningful,
Mean it,
Do it, without me asking,
For God sakes,
Embrace me, if you fear that I'll refuse then you are so wrong,
For I want you to,
I want you to show that which you feel,
Let the fireworks fly,
Grab me suddenly, up and around, twirl me and make my insides soar,
Like take those hands and grip onto me for dear life,
Then tilt that head down,
Towards my lips,
And slowly without hesitation, let those lips lock onto mine,
Last for awhile,
Like a few minutes or so,
Something you know, memorable,
That we can tell our grandkids about someday,
And maybe change the world with to

I love you, honestly, but for now give me peace,
Go away for awhile and let me be,
I need my brain to rest,
I love you, I truly do,
But get away from me for sometime,
I need to sorta reboot or recharge and live in absolute solitude,
Be gone I ask! Let me alone, I need to figure why I'm so emotional,
So leave me, for a moment, and come back soon!
I beg of you to let me go on my own,
I don't need people to keep my going,
I want them for awhile and then I like to live solely,
So just let me go,
Hold me, love me, then just leave to allow me to realize how much I miss you,
Go!
But don't forget me, love, don't ever forget me when I'm gone,
When I've inhabited my mind, and lost all interest in time,
I get bored, so come after me and retrieve me from all my loneliness

I don't really wanna be here, stuck in this cocoon. But I'm left inside trying to bleed and fight and hold it all together when all my atoms want to do is suffocate and die.

How those blue eyes sparkle, like diamonds full of sapphire.
And I cannot imagine the beauty of that big heart of yours.
When mine is so black and ***** and full of soot, but you got one made out of pure flowers, blossoming in the spring time, and those veins are rooted into a body, ready to fulfill good deeds with short notice. But I'm a little bit of an ungrateful ***** at times and you deal with me. And I don't know why, or for what good reason. But you do it without asking, or requiring of me. I'm given a gift, and sometimes I can abuse it. And that's bad and I'm not sure how much you'll put up with till you finally leave like every other person I know. I use constantly, like a impaired druggie, and I know not how to stop. But your the doctor to my disease. If only you could really cure me. And I'm a shooting up, and drinking to much, wondering if you care far too much.

I wanna tell you life ******* *****,
Kicks you in the ***, when your down it doesn't care,
It just kicks harder,
Like a splinter in your finger,
The hangnails peeling off your hands,
And the callouses just get rougher,
Or worse,
A friend shuts up,
A boy leaves,
And life just doesn't give a **** about where you go or what you do,
Everyone around just wants to hurt you!
And I got these bandaids from my battle scars,
I decided to try too hard,
Or not try at all,
I can't seem to win,
So its ok to feel hopeless, or like a loser,
Or the wimpy sinner that you are,
I mean for awhile,
But don't let the dust bite you,
Don't let the storm blow you over,
When you get hit,
You hit back!
When your heart breaks,
You break whatever broke it,
Lick the wounds later,
Cause you gotta go after what some happiness right now

I am a bird without wings,
Let me fly.
And I'm struggling to find my own song,
Trying to figure it out with you,
Oh you,
You who I thought I could pour myself into like water into glass,
actually exposing who I am,
For I'm a locked box, unable to break out of my own cage,
I was within and without,
Looking inside hoping I would make up my own answers.
or continue on some rhythm that would work.
and I constantly pick and pull at the dry skin off my fingers,
feeling the blood pour out, my nervousness exposed.
Am I my nervousness, or is my nervousness just me,
cause I'm fluttering around with broken pieces,
barely sticking together so clean.
And the people I thought I connected with leave, just go,
and I'm left with my rips and tears,
dealing with the agony of their disappearance.
And I want it all to make sense but it doesn't

Yes,
I believe in outrageous crazy,
GUT WRENCHING LOVE,
But for me I can wait.
I aint a girl whose willing to jump yet,
MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR ME,
I mean it's great to see people who love somebody so much they are willing to put up with their crap ever single day!
And take up their annoyingness and their idiosyncrasies like their PB and J sandwich.
But I like my solitude, my emptiness is not hollow.
My emptiness is a passion, a dream, that I have to follow,
Even into the dark shadows where no one will go,
I have to
And I mean maybe one day I'll let someone in, but not today,
NOT EVER,
For I cannot bear the pain to pierce another's heart like once was mine,
For love is one of humanities only holiness, yet purest follies.

Love me?
Touch me,
Kiss me,
Brush your fingers across my skin,
Entice me,
Make me miss you,
Don't just say the words and run,
Stay,
Make me want you somehow the same,
But me in strangle,
Don't let me go,
Or give me a weak hug,
I want a hug that's more then a hug,
I want pressure,
Squeeze me,
Put your arms around me and hold me long,
So do it all and more,
Don't hold back a cent of your affection,
For I've never felt love before

I'm too tired to sleep.
Tomorrow can wait,
I wanna be up,
Wide awake,
Dreaming of again touching you,
For math books take to the back seat,
And lately I can care less about whether I should wash my hair,
Cause baby I got you to make me clean,
Take my heart and make a real man out of me,
Sure I sound a lil loopy,
But kissing you is like inhaling a drug,
I get high at the sight of your fine eyes,
Looking at me with hunger,
Oh ***, let me cook for ya food that will feed you forever,
Cause our youth at lasting,
We got time passing,
So why waste it sleeping

You don't need a somebody!
You got you,
You should know you're good enough,
The models on the tv screens with their perfect bodies are fake,
You should believe in yourself,
Like you got everybody wanting something from you,
Your parents, your friends, your boyfriends and last but not least, that little voice screaming for help inside of your head,
The one that's the bona fide you,
The other you, who puts all that makeup on and tries to diet,
The one who tries to act like she is strong enough,
I don't even know who that is!
Like the one who tries to be book smart, and boy smart, and street smart, and like tries to hold it altogether, when insides she's dying of unhappiness,
Yeah, thats the you, you've been hiding,
The ones who's afraid to love and be kissed,
The ones who's not able to admit she needs someone,
The one who wakes up feeling so inadequate and imperfect and unworthy of life itself every morning of every day,
Yeah, thats the you, that you are honey,
And I'm not saying that's ok,
I'm saying I wanna fix it for ya,
I'm trying to be here and make it fine,
But for God sakes you are so stubborn,
It's as if you enjoy that sorta pain,
You want it to hurt,
You break open you own stitches and watch the blood pour out,
Let them heal,
Allow it to scar over all ready,
I mean, I got ears,
I'll listen with them, just let me hear,
Even if it doesn't make sense,
Scream the demons out,
Cry! Sob! Just quit trying to be in control of life cause you're not and never will be,
And hurts seeing you so wrecked up and confused,
Loving won't be enough I fear,
But whether your hair is blonde or the color of navy blue I can't help but not be so enamored with you,
Still though, I want you to feel the same for yourself first

She was mad,
Heated, lost in love and anger,
Causing her mind to go numb,
In the rain waiting for a guy she wanted,
Wanted more then air,
And he was inside and ignorant,
As the rain came pouring down,
Unaware that she was there,
Standing, struck with unrequited love,
Wanting him on her, but he was quite lost himself,
Should he keep on going it alone?
She knocked on the door in the rain,
He heard with unconcern,
But opened anyways,
Looking into those docile eyes of soft blue,
How could he leave her there?
So he gripped her tighter then he ever did before,
Admitting his wrongs and downfalls,
How could he let the poor thing fall,
He smoothed the stray strands of hair and pressed upon those lips,
Which were so desperately need of his kiss,
And she couldn't help but to not give in

Love. Love isn't a rose, or a poem, or a romance novel. Love is not a kiss or a hug, or chocolate. Love is infinite, adorable, unquenchable, crazy, catastrophic, undeniably reckless.
And yet humans like to name it and control it, they try to hide it, and defend it. Love is beyond a human's understanding, love is a force and we are the bay, being kicked by it over and over again. Being washed again and again by it's beauty. But sometimes love and often love doesn't go our way. We get knocked down by love and crushed by love, and sometimes we find ourselves in love in the wrong situations. Sometimes we take advantage of love and sometimes it takes advantage of us. It's not cute and especially not at all easy, ever.

Love is a struggle, it's a mountain we climb. It's not a magic potion to solve our problems, it most of the times cause our biggest problems. Love is hard and strange. It isn't easy to handle or fun to tame. It's a puzzle, it's a novel, not a picture pic, and it's not candy, it's not flowers or cake. Every one thinks love is a disney movie, and though their classic pieces of artwork and storytelling, barely does it show real love. Love really comes after the happily ever after, when the happiness fades away people stay because of the love. We love, and love and get cracked. And we fall in love some more, because from the very first moment of our existence, we love our mothers, or whoever the hell is there to greet us as we exit our dark palace called the womb.

Love is hard to understand. Love is old, not lovely. It's bad. And painful. But the being loved and being shown love and loving another human being, despite the raw and hard days of being in loved, or not being loved. Something unexplainable happens that is sort of like a self fulfillment. The holes in our soft hearts are filled. A sort of understanding of ourselves that maybe we aren't such weird and horrible people if someone else could fancy us.

So despite the faults of love and people's poor understanding of love, it is still a emotion we cannot control, we cannot withhold our heart from. It's a wide field of dreams, a host of wonders, a deep vacancies of despair. Love is composed of hurt, mixed with a dash of adventure of being another's.
And I'm saying with love you could be a 103 and still not understand the entire entity of love. It cannot always make sense, and it will not always make sense.

So being in love is not a fairy tale, but the majority of the time a graphic novel. Love is lost kisses, lost time, broken hearts, misunderstanding, and pieces of our lives strewn together making up ourselves, pasted together by the people who we love and who love us.

Love,
What are you?
How do I know if I have you,
And if I don't what do I do to receive you,
For my heart is weary,
And my brain is done,
Wishing for things that won't come,
But maybe if I were to happen to meet you,
Things would make sense,
Except love isn't worthy to be made sense of,
Your confusing as hell,
Making me want people who don't desire me,
How can this be?
But when some unfortunate soul wants me the same,
Then I have a inherent tendency to run away,
Whats wrong with me?
Am I afraid?
Afraid of what?
I ask myself,
But just that I can't control it,
I cannot control emotions,
That's scary,
I cannot control you,
For sadness could come over me, suddenly,
And I be whisked away into nothing,
So love,
Please stay for awhile,
At least keep me company for today,
That's all I wanna say

She was a sad, sad girl, with eyes of glittering diamonds,
You know, electrifying and incarcerating,
Piercing the light,
She had hope despite the fire that burn, burn, burn so deep inside her,
That burning pain she felt when friends abandoned her and boys kept replacing her every week,
But despite the heartache and the long days she kept on going,
breathing in and out,
slowly,
Take the awful and miserable thoughts elsewhere,
deviate the pain, with love,
Find those who care and spend time with them,
Drink a cup of hot cocoa and forget,
Thats what she did,
And those ever permeating eyes kept on searching heartily for another,
Despite the agony and rips and tears she kept on getting,
She wasn't giving up,
Not yet,
Not just yet,
Despite the sensitivity she had and the naivety of how the horrible world worked, not yet,
Not yet,
So she kept on smiling in the rain,
Maybe she find someone to kiss her in it to one day
So boys continued on with their games and she continually would lose them,
And girls…let's just say they weren't dependable people…
So off on her own,
Walking along the road alone,
And sometimes she actually preferred it to be this way

I want the winds of my mind to take flight again,
Think as I want and do as I please,
Drawing my worries away,
With a freedom I once possessed,
Let me live once more
Without such stress,
Let me be as I want,
Entangled in my own infection of thoughts that even I cannot unravel on my own.

I feel trapped in a tower,
Man, I need a shower,
And my eyes are so very tired,
I wanna go away,
And take another vaca,  Not go back to school as soon,
Oh to have a job where it's not so freezing,
And to have my brain depleting of thoughts that were so precious before,
I wanna rewind and go back in time,
To the days were worry was nevermore,
But on this bleak and dreary *** day,
I can only but complain of my sad and pathetic Christmas blues,
A New year to fail at everything I do,
So sad to say,
But in other words you have a nice day

Yeah, I love Jesus,
You wanna know why?
Because I sin lots,
Sure I'm a Christian, but I ain't perfect,
Yet I sure get judged for my faith,
But I'm pretty sure they're all just as fake,
I got a God who loves me nonetheless,
And you know He doesn't hate gays, or the alcoholics,
Those are the ones he wants the most,
Those are the ones he came specifically to save,
The people that need love even after they fall to temptation,
Because sometimes we just can't resist,
So I may love Christ,
But I am not him,
Like at all,
I'm suppose to try to be like him,
But you know that doesn't always work out,
I fail,
And I'm publicly admitting it right now,
I'm a faulty hypocrite
Just like the rest of you,

I don't want a job.
NO.
Like money can stop interfering with me.
I rather would not work for a living,
But I wanna draw and color the world in pictures of it's own discourse and make my world a piece of mastery one can admire,
But I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place to make the payments on apartments and college tuition that keeps rising,
And my knee hurts and I don't wanna deal with customers,
There made of fire and ice, willing to burn me or quick to give a cold and uneasy shoulder,
It's not at all fun,
I just wanna swim all day and think of life,
My mind is full of mystical mysteries to which I have yet to discover,
People to meet and pictures to create,
Something I haven't had any time to do, And I feel like a stump,
Broken and cut down in it's good prime of life,
I'm weaken by the roots,
Discolored and suffering with grief,
Who am I? What is my job and who am I to be,
should I live in BG, or should I make my own path without professors and lessons and a degree that will make me so indented and wittle my brain to complete nothing,
with all that coffee,
I'm so stressed with the complexities and anxieties that life seems to throw at me, envying my sister for her talents in photography,
And what do i have?
nothing but a smile to give guys who treat me nice for awhile then leave,
i guess I am a nothing but a face,
I can draw,
Sometimes, lately it's been in vain and I feel nothing,

We get it ok,
You're "in love"
Whatever that means,
Flamboyantly displaying PDA across my Facebook newsfeed,
Great,
For you,
But seriously,
Give me a break,
For I got no arm to hold, no kiss to have, no compliments to receive,
Or a "Baby I miss you,"
Yeah that's not for me,
I watch it everyday and wonder why I'm not this way,
Probably because the rhythms in my heart are not as dysfunctional,
I can get on without a "I love you"
For that's like ropes or more like chains on my ankles,
But I don't mind waiting…
Just tired of watching of every so called friend fall to love,
When I'm resistant to all it's evils,
Maybe because I know how evil it can really be,
How attachment strikes the heart and turns a person into one neurotic zombie,
Barely even living,
I say life alone is more worth preserving,
And heartbreak is not worth having,
I feel more easy to breath with just me

Oh Romeo, I know now your pain,
And passionate Juliett it makes sense to why you ran away.
All in the pursuit of love and happiness.
But I ask that in not be in vain,
As William Shakespeare portrayed in his tragic play,
Please I beg,
Oh God,
Give me a chance to defeat this evil dispute,
And may we reunite as it should've been,
But I'm so **** angry right now…

Maybe cause you make it so easy,
Admitting it all for me,
Yeah, that's cool that you like me an all,
I don't know why I'm so hesitant about the fall,
Well everything about you I can like.
Your tall and cute with a well built physique,
Although,
There isn't that spark, ya know?
That electricity starting,
The internal connection, that'll will create in me a more wilder heartbeat,
It ain't there, and I swear, I'm so tired of it not clicking,
You gave me the power so I can't lose,
**** it,
How dare you do that to me,
I'm a little more evil then you see,
I'll manipulate and manage that heart you've so willingly given to me,
I don't know what now,
But honey don't trust me,
These sugar coated lies, breaking me apart inside, but the truth is so tried and dried,
God,
I wish there was something that I could do,
Start on over,
Reset each other,
Pull out my plug and begin again,
Erase all the memories we had,
Like you drive me,
And I need you to keep on this charade,
Even though I may not at all feel the same,
And like you as well as you have so liked me

Heart beats,
Fingers stop,
And fire is about to ignite,
A storm approaches and I stop, wondering,
For this life is going on and on and on,
And I barely have time to really stop.
stop.
And I'm loved so vigorously by people who barely know me,
My face, my eyes, they are not mine.
But my soul eternally is,
and until I can rip out my chest with all the dust and cobwebs and corners that I hide, can I actually let you in.
Until I can actually take my ribcage and separate individual rips apart and show you the dead flowers rotting inside, You know not even the depth of me.
And they all try to know who I am, what color is my favorite and what's going on inside, But I don't let them.
Until I feel some safety. That you would neither judge or hit me could I even begin to start pulling my wrapped casings of me to expose to you.
I can't. I emotionally could never let you in, no matter how pretty you thought I was, how amazing you think my laughter is, how wonderful I can make you feel.
You know not me, How could you ever begin to know me.
For I am a novel and our relationship can only be a short story.

I would like to go back a thousand years ago,
just to sleep.
For I'm drenched in thoughtlessness.
I ache for some relieve.
And I'm trying, solely not to burn up.
and I do not mean to over dramatize, but I'm lost.
Which I guess is usual for being 20.
Only 20, as I eat myself up in tv shows and confusion.
And I watch the world get married and have babies, but I don't want that,
No I don't need that.
Nor do I really want that.
As profs talk as if I care, about their useless pieces of info they throw at me, except the one about dinos. I like that.
But anyways I sit and here they look at me as if I really give a ****.
I want a job. Don't they understand.
And I parked in the wrong spot today,
and the critique went bad and I overpaid on an earl grey latte and wasted my day watching friends all day.
But we all have those bad days.
And I'm trying trying trying so hard not to think bad thoughts.
But the weather is rainy, and I'm still tired. This ever longing tiredness. But I drew today. I drew my sorrows away, and no matter what those stingy profs say, I can draw. I draw to keep myself together.
I draw so I don't think the bad thoughts, to keep my jealous thoughts back at bay. So I quit making a fool of myself, the only think I know how to do is draw.
And I have a wide open summer, of no plans, or prospering, or any real progress.
Isn't that sad?
To dread your own summer.
Maybe after having summer so many times, it loses it's freedom quality. It becomes just another season to endure.
And that's sad. It's sad when you can't look forward to summer.
Cause summer was once a fantasy.
A sense of adventure accompanied summer.
And I look at summer now with a dread and inability to really be ready or excited for it.
That's really sad.
And I'm not writing to make you sad, but I'm writing out of my inability to understand this sadness.
I'm trying to hold on to something...
Maybe this sadness will pass into something I can hold onto.
And coincidently were talking about the blues...in class.
Not really helping my melancholy frankly.
I think teachers are so wrapped up in their own cynical life they like to spread it onto others.

We bicker like an old couple,
But we talk like two good friends,
And I can't help but secretly want him,
Because out of everyone I've ever known,
It's also been him,
To call me unsuspectedly and chat,
No matter how many times I try to push him out of my life,
For God sake's he's in Florida and I still think of him every now and then,
Was it just false hope,
Or still a solid dream I should pursue,
Am I just nuts?
But I still look back to that night,
That first night when he put his arm around me so randomly,
I had glasses on and my hair looked a wreck,
Still…
For some stupid reason it felt right with only him

And I wanna talk to somebody!
Tell them my frustrations and agonies and failures,
I wanna scream and cry and tell them the story of my hopes and dreams,
Have them talk back and understand me,
But I'm just a hopeless writer in this world who keeps one wondering on and on and on,
I keep writing,
And maybe somebody is gonna hear my writings,
I mean read,
Read and read and read,
Cause by the end of this life all I'm gonna be is a dusty book,
With those thick warm pages full of words,
Maybe comfort someone, or pull at their heart strings and make them think,
I just want this world to hear!
Hear my silent cries and worn out whispers in the night,
When I had no one!
And also hear my dying laughter,
Those moments I couldn't breathe!
But see nobody notices,
Or sees,
This lonesome quiet reader

She was oil and vinegar.
She had spice up her veins. And the whole world stared as if they knew her.
"I will forever miss you"
her tattoo on her neck said, right next to the stain of lipstick that ran down her cheek.
And she didn't know love,
For girls like her are wild tigers, untamed and marvelous,
She flowed through my world,
and If only I could but touch a sent of her would I be full of magic,
For I don't know how the world turns, but I believe it flys through the sky at the bat of her eye.
And she can make all the grey go away with but a flick of a finger,
Though she's cold, like ice, I hope to one day melt her.

She's a spitfire. A kinda girl that makes you want her no matter how poisonous she can be. With an infectious smile, and a swing with those wide hips, she make your mind melt. Like a shaken glass bottle of coke, she was bubbles of carbonated water mixed with sugar and unknown chemicals that make your taste buds sizzle. But she explode on you if you weren't careful. She wasn't afraid to say, "I hate you". She often said it quite often, especially to boys who tried too hard, or not at all. She was a wild thing and liked fire even if she got burned. And she wasn't afraid to hurt you. And if you hurt her, watch it. If you hurt someone she loved, then you better run. But a ****** she was, and sparky, sorta spinster sort of attitude she had towards love. She didn't want it. She needed it not in her mind. But alas at night she be alone and cold, wanted some arms to have to hold her. And her cold hard eyes defied their love. She was crude and not careful, and said words that make those boys want her more then they should. She teased and taunted and played with em all. Wanting nothing to do with them and their easy hearts. She wanted someone who was strong. Someone who wasn't so easy to or so nice. She didn't like nice, because as hard as she tried she couldn't be nice. She wasn't nice or selfless or loving. She was war, and strife, and like to make other people mad. She say stuff she didn't mean, and make sure people knew what she thought, even if it didn't matter. She wanted a guy who could manage it. Who could settle her down and be ok ruffling her feathers and calling her names. She wanted him keeping it interesting, unlike the others who bored her to tears. Yeah, she was the one that I didn't want to tame but loved so much anyways.

Single,
That's me,
One big label,
But I ask, not for pity,
I ask for the ability to be free,
Without a fear that I am at all lonely,
I like it,
Really I do,
Cherish the loneliness that is not at all sad,
It's quite fulfilling and why you may ask?
Well it's difficult to say,
Especially if you are not this way,
I can do, whatever, with whoever, whenever I want,
And sure that seems sickeningly selfish,
But hey, that's me in a complete sentence,
Probably that's what happens with writers,
We are ok, for the characters we make up in our head fill the void that people think we need,
I need nobody!
Except a cup of coffee every now and then with a bright and bubbling conversation,
That's all I want,
To cheer me up,
Yeah,
So go ahead and hold his hand, and kiss him every night,
I'll be just here writing my dear,
Single as can be,
Doing happily as possibly

Caffeine and tobacco, and the occasional puff of marijuana, thats how we do it right.
The lack of love is leaving us lonely and we lie about in vain,
Not sure of what next high is nigh, or if our nights are purely as selfish and ***** as we made them to be,
We didn't know what was next,
We tried to study for a test we knew we were going to fail,
And we had *** maybe three or four times last wednesday,
Except I can't tell when I will ever be able to see him again,
Life is spinning, or is that just me,
I don't know whats up or down, or even where to go next,
I hope that real life isn't as hopeless,
**** it,
I don't care,
This ain't a poem, just a sigh,
I breathed in again some pointless oxygen,
And exhale out the words that make no sense,
An ache of broken dreams and ancient histories,
Of how my life is so **** far from ever being perfect,
I'll always be so fat and dreary,
And  I can never get a guy to truly like me more then just my face,
Please, oh how i wish I could put them in their place,
Quick I need an i.v. to **** out this poison I put inside to hide the sorry facts that I'm alive,
Someone quick give me a drug to block out it all,
The misery I've endured for too many years,
An acid, a cig, a sip of beer,
Anything that will keep me from dying tonight,
Oh but to think of death,
How sweet,
To think of never bearing pain or thought or another heartbeat,
A simple absolute,
A final relief,
Another great day to be destroyed by the fact of another tomorrow,
There would be a nothing to ever be more,
So think not me suicidal,
Just sadistic and a little mad is justice,
But let you not think that I need help,
I need friends thats all,
To help me get through the roughness,
Maybe I'll eventually callous for once,
And the pain I endured will be a remembrance, a faint dream of wonder
Something like a mystery, yet it ends with fondness

I am wounded. Seared with scars of broken dreams, scattered across my own galaxy and I fear they will continue to stomp into the dust, unable to be renewed. And I am fearful of my future, so grave and hard to grasp. What am I even working so **** hard for? And why? Will it even come to pass? And my heart is weary and head is full of thoughts and I wish I had some small time to stop. Just to really grasp whats going on and how to stop the constant noise. And let my thoughts settle like the bottom of my ocean. Just to work my way through things, to get to know them and understand and to stop the constant madness. I cannot handle on my own. But still it goes on like the waves of an ocean, with a very hide tide.

I don't know what to write or say, my brain is losing its own mind, and my heart lost its way.
Summer started and I crashed into a whole new dimension of sweet intoxicating freedom. But the perfumes were overwhelming and I was scared with all this boundless time.
I searched for friends, but they were no where to be found. And because of this change, I took it out on the one person who never left. Badgering him to be something he wasn't. I was bored and done. Lost in love and wondering who I had become. He was gone to, for some of the time. I knew not what to do, or where to go, or who to even talk to. I felt like a caged animal who had finally be rereleased into the wild, forgetting how to behave its natural way. I withdrew into my security and fought the outside for it kept trying to **** me. I had let my hair run wild, and I didn't wake up till about noon. I was lost, and I felt like a *** off the street without a job. And I struggled to figure out who I was and what was my purpose in life, especially that right now. Right now when life seem to be drifting by and I had all the time in the world, but had nothing to fill it with.