I'm mad and upset, why god oh why,
Did you curse man,
and now we have disease and work,
And school,
Oh how could you,
Despite your prolific love and adoration of us,
You drag us through the mud to somehow see some **** light,
Well God I can't quite see anything through this ****,
And frankly I'm tired and worn and sad,
And so sad, and nobody really gets it,
I would give her all the blood I had,
Just to heal her, just to give some hope to a life that needs it,
Why couldn't I had lost all my hair?
Or go through those god awful treatments they call chemo,
what is so wrong with you,
Letting the devil get away with such evil,
And I feel so powerless,
and you have all the power yet you abuse it,
I'm so ready to just to cave in to the world,
But somehow I'm still in love with you,
for some ******* reason, You spark my heart, and i'm not quite yet willing to completely let go,
I just hope you know what your doing,
Cause I don't have the slightest clue

I wanna move out to La. Not just to be a celebrity, or superstar. I wanna move out to LA cause that's where dreams come true. Right? Ohio is all dull and grey. And during the summer's it's just less grey. You see the flatlands of Ohio, and they don't inspire you. They make you feel even flatter on the inside. Less motivated. Our winter's are hard, are weather is weird, and all our brains are full of bacon and corn.
We worship football, and don't get me started about those buckeyes. That's all our states about…
But california has palm trees and stars and movies. They have my love.
For in California I felt it all, the world in my little hand. The world in my hand, I was an oyster, and california was my pearl. I was loved, and felt loved, and felt as if the world was mine. But Ohio is damp, and dark, and *****. After spring it's just less snowy. It's icky and spiritless. I'm broken and sad easily split open by the weather.

But I was touched by gold. I was given a chance to see mountains. And I wanted mountains, and that California state breeze. That breeze of a millions others who dream… and I am no different.

I was frightened.
Cold in bone, broken into frigidness,
Oh life how've you've hit me with a car,
And no ambulance came.
They need one for the heart,
Cause I'm trying hard not to step on the shattered glass,
And the winds of time are shaking me and I cannot break out of this twisted cage I've been thrown into.
Emotions come tumbling down like an avalanche.
A pile of rocks, tumbling on top of my head, and I ache into submission.
For what can one do when stepped on like a bug.
Their guts are spewing out from the sides, there done.
And I like that very bug I have been squashed upon.
Dreams and aspirations,
Thoughts and wonderments have been so ripped into and stolen.
I am hollow like a tree in winter, I shed my leaves,
I stand with nothing in my hands to hold,
Torn of my hair, Losing my heart, every atom inside of me screaming. The very mitochondria of my little tiny cells are slowing down. Losing any ambition to continue.
And I stand silent waiting spring comes soon.

I wanna write all that you mean to me,
But that would take a trillion years,
A million pages,
A thousand life spans to get across,
Even when I wanna throw you across the room,
I'm enamored with sweet contagious affection of some demented kind,
I don't ever wanna hurt you.
And when I do, I feel hurt as well, Like someone bit my own arm off. It's like a self inflicted wound, by of course accident,
I didn't mean to cut the tip of my pinkie off, but when i did, it felt just like the time when I got you mad at me,
Cept 1 million times worse,
And if I dare one day see tears drip from thine own eyes, I **** the ***** that started the trickle, even if from me,
For you mean that much to me,
Not even my own life is worth saving, or caring about,
forget about me, for you consume all my days, every hour even the meaningless boring seconds I waste waiting for you,
They consist of you,
For you are the very essence of me
every little tiny atom was made for you

Yes,
I believe in outrageous crazy,
GUT WRENCHING LOVE,
But for me I can wait.
I aint a girl whose willing to jump yet,
MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR ME,
I mean it's great to see people who love somebody so much they are willing to put up with their crap ever single day!
And take up their annoyingness and their idiosyncrasies like their PB and J sandwich.
But I like my solitude, my emptiness is not hollow.
My emptiness is a passion, a dream, that I have to follow,
Even into the dark shadows where no one will go,
I have to
And I mean maybe one day I'll let someone in, but not today,
NOT EVER,
For I cannot bear the pain to pierce another's heart like once was mine,
For love is one of humanities only holiness, yet purest follies.

You're so **** beautiful boy,
And you don't even know it,
Like I look at you and you inspire lyrics,
I can't even prose a real voice,
One look of you turns me into an unrelating author of love,
I can base books off of you,
Tell the whole world my love of you in a book,
Yeah, it's so crazy,
But gosh you make me lose it all,
Make me want it all, want the world and lose my soul,
And I don't know if I love you and all that other ****,
But boy, I'm wanting to write words that last centuries about you…
Why?
I don't know…
Something about you just stirs my insides,
I can't help but wonder why the hell why.
I'm not obsessed, but for sure I am desperately wanting you,
Not sure if the feelings are to be ever requited,
If not,
At least I got to look at you...

She was mad,
Heated, lost in love and anger,
Causing her mind to go numb,
In the rain waiting for a guy she wanted,
Wanted more then air,
And he was inside and ignorant,
As the rain came pouring down,
Unaware that she was there,
Standing, struck with unrequited love,
Wanting him on her, but he was quite lost himself,
Should he keep on going it alone?
She knocked on the door in the rain,
He heard with unconcern,
But opened anyways,
Looking into those docile eyes of soft blue,
How could he leave her there?
So he gripped her tighter then he ever did before,
Admitting his wrongs and downfalls,
How could he let the poor thing fall,
He smoothed the stray strands of hair and pressed upon those lips,
Which were so desperately need of his kiss,
And she couldn't help but to not give in

Being a girl is rough and often ***** life out of me, and to be told I need just be a cook is rather insulting whether a joke or not. I will take what you've said seriously cause it already means your bigotry leaped from the brain to your vocal chords which leaves me in silence. I know, matters not what you think but overall society has women in chains. Though we have freedoms we are not free from being hit on, picked up, and constantly berated for not being perfect. From society's view to the churches I'm not satisfied to hear such ignorant misconceptions, I'm not a housewife nor will I lower myself to strip down to my bare skin when I go outside in a bikini, I'm a woman making her own path with her own God trying to figure out who she was made to be, and you pointing at me is not helping, so I don't know how to cook or clean or really know how to do laundry, but I can write verses of about this perverse world and I can make friends and say what I think and know that I am so much more than my face, and that I deserve a man that respects my love of independence. So if at all you are offended just know that I'm entitled to my opinion that I can be so much more then a wife but still there is a lot of honor in that

in the unwritten tattooed scars from your wounds,
I wonder…
how could they hurt you
I imagine your pain to be beyond skin deep,
written within your pores and moles
a bandage could not conceal,
that pain,
A voice that cannot be unheard.
But a broken bird crying in the dark
instilling a hurt that will burn

Single,
That's me,
One big label,
But I ask, not for pity,
I ask for the ability to be free,
Without a fear that I am at all lonely,
I like it,
Really I do,
Cherish the loneliness that is not at all sad,
It's quite fulfilling and why you may ask?
Well it's difficult to say,
Especially if you are not this way,
I can do, whatever, with whoever, whenever I want,
And sure that seems sickeningly selfish,
But hey, that's me in a complete sentence,
Probably that's what happens with writers,
We are ok, for the characters we make up in our head fill the void that people think we need,
I need nobody!
Except a cup of coffee every now and then with a bright and bubbling conversation,
That's all I want,
To cheer me up,
Yeah,
So go ahead and hold his hand, and kiss him every night,
I'll be just here writing my dear,
Single as can be,
Doing happily as possibly

I'm a fool that can't fall,
No I'm resistant to it's spell,
It's charms,
It's torture,
The mystery of it all,
I'm a hopeless romantic,
Too afraid to love,
And that's just sad,
But Love,
Is sorta strong, and strange,
But yet I refuse to let it in,
I got some China Walls protecting me from something more powerful then the huns,
From the outbreak of love,
The glorious disease,
Everyone else was bitten, but me,
I took the vaccine,
I knew the worse before I was able to really want cupid's arrow to enter,
While everyone else was getting bewitched,
I said no,
And ran far away,
Did not stop those others from falling,
No matter how much I advise them,
They weren't as strong,
They were hit,
Struck by amore,
And I stay resistant

I feel like over chewed gum,
Dried and loss of flavor I've become,
I'm a broke rubber band,
A piece of string with no purpose,
And I'm hanging on by this tiny piece of thread,
clinging onto the mouth of my bed,
A loose tooth,
Wanting to be set free,
Yet holding on with it's hole entirety.
I'm a broken frame, a car low on fuel, and I'm breaking into two different lifeforms,
I am halves

We get it ok,
You're "in love"
Whatever that means,
Flamboyantly displaying PDA across my Facebook newsfeed,
Great,
For you,
But seriously,
Give me a break,
For I got no arm to hold, no kiss to have, no compliments to receive,
Or a "Baby I miss you,"
Yeah that's not for me,
I watch it everyday and wonder why I'm not this way,
Probably because the rhythms in my heart are not as dysfunctional,
I can get on without a "I love you"
For that's like ropes or more like chains on my ankles,
But I don't mind waiting…
Just tired of watching of every so called friend fall to love,
When I'm resistant to all it's evils,
Maybe because I know how evil it can really be,
How attachment strikes the heart and turns a person into one neurotic zombie,
Barely even living,
I say life alone is more worth preserving,
And heartbreak is not worth having,
I feel more easy to breath with just me

She was a lost girl, riddled in a lost world, wondering what was up or down. And I knew the path she might've taken if it weren't for my mistakes. I loved her, honestly I did. Without control or any logic in my mind I wanted her to be mine. But she ran like a little scared deer, a fawn in the woods. I had nothing but a bow. With my arrow I withdrew and shot that pure heart of gold. She fell to me, and I was her downfall ready to slaughter. Oh that pure fairy that lay there with her broken wings. How foolishly I strung my bow so quick. Love was our folly and I was a fool lost to it's power. How dangerously I licked the flames of those lips. To poisonous for my mouth to grip, I was overtaken with a lust I could not contain. I was so confused and then shot with pain. How could I let love take on me this way. My brain died and my heart was fried, I'm a lover lost to his own demise. And we fought and cursed each other with words we can't deny. I left her. With the arrow still within the blades of her shoulder, never to return again, but forever she'll have my heart and my bow. Never will I string another arrow.

And now I only realized how important you were to me when you left,
Like you were cinching together the ruptured rip in my heart torn apart by all that I've done for love,
And I felt as if it wasn't there,
Nothing went wrong either,
And if it was wrong it didn't matter,
Cause I knew that somewhere out there,
You were caring about me and would be sad to hear about me being sad…
So therefore, because you cared about whether I was happy or not,
I was indeed very happy,
But oh that evil fate that has an reared it's ugly head,
Faces me head on,
And now,
I lie missing you and wanting you and caring more about you then I ever did when you were so within my reach,
When you were there to ease the wounds of my heart,
The aspirin to my aching soul,
But now, I hurt more then I ever did before,
Cause you aren't even within talking distance,
And I try to remember the times when you weren't,
Somehow they were erased from memory,
Only to be replaced by the sweet iridescent moments of when you were there for me,
So boy,
Don't forget this heart you have so carefully and regrettably harbored for she will have a hard time forgetting you

Winter,
There is no win this season,
The snow and cold makes me all depressed and sad,
Hoping for an early spring,
At least that's what I hope for,
Every
Single
Day,
Yet another snowflake falls,
And don't get me wrong,
Snow is pretty every now and then,
But frankly I cannot want frozen fingers and toes
My body freezing to the very bone,
And I tire easily then before
Being awake is such a bore,
And I want to not freeze
Just a moment to feel a heart beat
And a warm hug, and hot coffee,
Cause cold is not my cup of tea

You,
You and those pale blue eyes of a full moon,
How I cannot stop thinking of you,
For some reason you've entered my mine like a scar on my body,
There is no erasing or forgetting,
I've locked you into my heart,
I cannot bear to think of letting go,
The infection has spread and I've been shot by cupid's bow,
But our fairytale is beginning to end,
You are not the once you I first met,
And I'm hurt and terribly mistaken I fell for a ruse,
A **** ruse of promise,
Now I'm alone and unsure of what I've gotten into,
A long summer ahead, of fear and unsurity of what next step I may have to take,
I don't wanna lose you, just win what I somehow lost,
I wanna whisper lost secrets in the edges of the night,
And look towards a morning of more you, The you I once knew,
Please make it all come back soon

Like those eyes,
Those sparkling fireballs of burning light,
They give me hope for humanity,
And I look at them and it's like all the air I ever had in my lungs was punched out,
Now I can't even inhale anymore,
She's standing there looking at me,
Making it so **** hard to breathe,
But I can't stop staring…
Even if I lost every breath in my body,
My eyes could never get enough of looking into hers

Break rules,
Burn houses,
Let them hate you,
Cause they already are going to,
Be wild,
Be messy,
Don't let them tell you what you can and cannot do,
When they go left,
Go right,
Make a path,
Unbridle your soul,
And hurt,
Don't be so **** afraid,
This earth is so young,
Have fun,
And don't listen to all the dream crushers,
The teachers, the professors,
Rip out pages of books,
And run wild, be an untamable life,
Enlightened those surrounded you,
Nobody got anything done by following laws,
They followed the stars and won

Healing,
is hard, a process, steps of life to take,
it hurts, it aches,
and the break seems to slow life down to several days.
In impatience, ignore and move on, when there is still need to reprimand the hurt.
Whether it be emotional or physical,
it takes awhile before we can walk or run again.
So take a breather,
See a doctor or some medicines,
Drink herbal tea or hot coffee,
Breath,
Sigh,
Cry,
But most important pay attention to what is going on inside.
take the time to attend to the pain
It's all crazy,
This so called messy life,
Can't go on very well if injuries occur.
So heal up, watch old movies, write,
call old friends and try to feel better,
And eventually you will.

I don't want a job.
NO.
Like money can stop interfering with me.
I rather would not work for a living,
But I wanna draw and color the world in pictures of it's own discourse and make my world a piece of mastery one can admire,
But I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place to make the payments on apartments and college tuition that keeps rising,
And my knee hurts and I don't wanna deal with customers,
There made of fire and ice, willing to burn me or quick to give a cold and uneasy shoulder,
It's not at all fun,
I just wanna swim all day and think of life,
My mind is full of mystical mysteries to which I have yet to discover,
People to meet and pictures to create,
Something I haven't had any time to do, And I feel like a stump,
Broken and cut down in it's good prime of life,
I'm weaken by the roots,
Discolored and suffering with grief,
Who am I? What is my job and who am I to be,
should I live in BG, or should I make my own path without professors and lessons and a degree that will make me so indented and wittle my brain to complete nothing,
with all that coffee,
I'm so stressed with the complexities and anxieties that life seems to throw at me, envying my sister for her talents in photography,
And what do i have?
nothing but a smile to give guys who treat me nice for awhile then leave,
i guess I am a nothing but a face,
I can draw,
Sometimes, lately it's been in vain and I feel nothing,

I know not what to do or where to go,
But I know that peace is my prosperity,
Yes,
In the land of noise and attacks of loud invigorating people
I prefer quietness.
Without disturbance.
A land of thoughts quelling in my mind like a storm
About to ring wonderful ideas of brilliance that even I cannot prepare for.
And I wait...

I don't really wanna be here, stuck in this cocoon. But I'm left inside trying to bleed and fight and hold it all together when all my atoms want to do is suffocate and die.

I am a girl,
And I hate details.
I hate the little things in life that seem to cause so much trouble, I hate decorative pillows, accented candles, and making sure I eat some pinterest recipe meal my friend sent to me on thursday.
I don't like the minor things in life, such as cleaning, or cooking, and making sure I get to bed on time, or if my hair ever looks right.
I walk around with no makeup usually, sometimes wear the same shirt twice in a row, if my hair is semi greasy, then let it be under a hat,
I'm a girl, I won't wear the right clothes when it's 50 degrees, or I forget to take my medication so I wake up all clogged up from my allergies. I don't always eat right, and drink coffee way too much, and I don't dream of my dream wedding dress I like to think of other things that make sense to me.
I don't get upset with C's. If I passed at least I passed. I don't always make it to class, and though I wish I could be a neat freak, I can't, cause that's not me.
I am a girl who can't stand the little things in life, like perfect date nights, or pleasantly planned events, or fretting over if my earrings go with my outfit.
I like the messiness of life, unexpected relationships, random calls, winging assignments, and trying not to make everything make so much sense, It doesn't matter, not a hundred years from now, I live through the rhythms of my own heartbeat. Yes it's troublesome, and I am always late, and I quit jobs, and make irrational decisions, cause I don't like the details, I like to flow with destiny and fate and see what happens nonetheless
and I really don't like rules...

It's ok to not be ok.
What do I mean by that?
I mean it's ok to feel sad or angry or even confused.
It's ok to not feel right.
Yeah, so when you feel bad;
Just let the feelings ride up and down your spine.
Let them mingle with your heart, terrify your brain,
Because it's fine to be stressed and not everything tight and perfect. Be messy. It's what were good at.
Our sticky atoms and our multiples of molecules don't have to be in shape all the time. So cry randomly, break down and flip out,
Cause I'm telling you keeping it in, holding whatever is making you anxious is only killing you. So let it out.

Oh Romeo, I know now your pain,
And passionate Juliett it makes sense to why you ran away.
All in the pursuit of love and happiness.
But I ask that in not be in vain,
As William Shakespeare portrayed in his tragic play,
Please I beg,
Oh God,
Give me a chance to defeat this evil dispute,
And may we reunite as it should've been,
But I'm so **** angry right now…

The definitions of girl is not ponies, not princesses, not damsel in distress. We are not dainty, dismal, damaged, needed to be saved porcelain dolls. We are not made of china. We are made as the same material as you. As you who were breathed from earth so are we. We have bone, we have skin. We have eyes and noses and ears. We just have the same materials, but our insides are warped, mystic oceans full of unwanted emotions, tidal waves of thoughts, insecurities, we are potions of explosions, bottles just about to break, yet we keep going.
Girls are not petty, not just there to be pretty. Girls are human just as you. We aren't sculptures or paintings or portraits but girls are made to bring out the beauty of this world.Beauty that is skin deep. From with in the soul and just within the realms of our hearts. We breath But first girls must love themselves or they will fall for any type of love they get. Girls are soldiers fighting a war with themselves, everyday doubting whether they are good enough, some are better at it then others, but even that is just plain vanity. Girls are sad creatures, lost unicorns, because men will not understand the horrors of being female. Yes males have it bad, but girls have it worse. Girls are seen as followers and are  not given lee way to make decisions on their own. They are considered simple and frail because men don't understand the storms that brew incessantly within our souls. Girls are not possessions that are here to make men happy. Girls want to be loved, more then anything else in the world. They don't need to be successful, some have the desire to be. But all internally struggling with the idea of if any of us are any good enough to be loved. So don't ever tell me my diet coke should not be a diet. Don't tell me I need to never wear makeup. Don't try to compliment me by telling me what to do. Don't think because you are a boy that you are able to tell me what I can and cannot do. Cause I'm as human as you and my opinions have the same amount of weight no matter how many hormones I have within my soul raging.Being hit on is just embarrassing. I'm not your toy, I'm not your treasure. I'm a person. Respect is all I ask, as the thought of how unequally I am considered to be according to your  breed. Luckily my dad never said to me you can't do that cause you are a girl. Luckily my dad loved me and showed me how to be treated. I was taught females are gonna get as much respect as they show themselves. But how bout guys you step off and let us be. I get you wanna talk to us, so talk, don't make dumb comments, don't try to flatter us in front of our bosses, don't make us feel like we are feeble and silly.  Don't tell me what I know cause you haven't taken one step in my shoes. You have never worn my skin. You don't have *****, and you cannot dare tell me how to drink, how to dress, whether I'm fat or skinny, or just the right size you have no say in how I treat my body.

She was oil and vinegar.
She had spice up her veins. And the whole world stared as if they knew her.
"I will forever miss you"
her tattoo on her neck said, right next to the stain of lipstick that ran down her cheek.
And she didn't know love,
For girls like her are wild tigers, untamed and marvelous,
She flowed through my world,
and If only I could but touch a sent of her would I be full of magic,
For I don't know how the world turns, but I believe it flys through the sky at the bat of her eye.
And she can make all the grey go away with but a flick of a finger,
Though she's cold, like ice, I hope to one day melt her.

My computer is as messy as my mind, and is scattered with pretty pictures and blurbs of my brain I was not able to keep in.
I am wired, I am worried, I am always anxious.
And maybe cause I'm scared and worst off I'm puzzled at what's really going on inside.
I lost a friend. A good one, not to a permanent lost, but very much likely will not ever see her again.
And that hurts, like an unacknowledged bruise taking place with me completely unaware, hurting only when poking at the location of bright purple and murky blue.
I hurt for you and my sensitives nerves are all bursting and boiling and bubbled over with swollenness of being overused.
I wish I could put my heart away. I wish I could pretend I had no heart and that people would not sink there teeth into me so easily.

I wish there words wouldn't hurt and spoil me. You think by being old enough the wounds of second grade don't come back to haunt you.
For me, at least they are shadows of my past warning me every day.
It's hard to say words that don't mean anything, worst off it's harder to say words that mean everything.
I don't let others in, no I shrink from that violent force of overcoming with love, for what would I do with it.

Love only makes one lazy and fat with self content. An artist can never be happy with their rate of talent. They search and lurk for more, hoping to be better then they were the day before. That is how we right brained people think. We hurt cause we always have this little voice in our head saying we will and are never going to be good enough. That our talents are empty shots heading toward the sky, as we fall back to earth realizing we are mere mortals who cannot break the atmosphere.
And everything has changed, and nothing at all cannot stay the same. For I've seen seasons break and burst, and I tumble through them on vapid lisps of sleep that do not keep my body operating very effectively. As if hurting myself is really going to stop the change around me, that my resistance to the new will actually make it less apparent that it's all turning into something I now do not recognize. And it's hard when the change begins to become hard. I can accept change that makes me feel bubbles of happiness, but change that makes me feel lonely or sad or empty I cannot feel. Overall this summer has been the adventure that I never anticipated.
It's nice to be free. Not having to worry really about anyone else except yourself. That is being young, and my brother and sister are doing it all wrong. I cannot help but wish I could turn back their clocks and make it so they cannot grow up at all.

I am a bird without wings,
Let me fly.
And I'm struggling to find my own song,
Trying to figure it out with you,
Oh you,
You who I thought I could pour myself into like water into glass,
actually exposing who I am,
For I'm a locked box, unable to break out of my own cage,
I was within and without,
Looking inside hoping I would make up my own answers.
or continue on some rhythm that would work.
and I constantly pick and pull at the dry skin off my fingers,
feeling the blood pour out, my nervousness exposed.
Am I my nervousness, or is my nervousness just me,
cause I'm fluttering around with broken pieces,
barely sticking together so clean.
And the people I thought I connected with leave, just go,
and I'm left with my rips and tears,
dealing with the agony of their disappearance.
And I want it all to make sense but it doesn't

Oh will you be mine?
Though I barely know you,
But those sparkling eyes have bewitched me,
Usually I'm more powerful but yet,
I cannot control that heart of mine who plays such tricks,
Is it love, or a twist of my unrealistic fairytale,
But still I want you,
With so much of me,
I dare not jinx it but can it be?
Suddenly?
Love?
No, for the folly of the mind wouldn't allow me to fall so easy,
You have to of course win me,
Yet I cannot help but wish,
For a first and final kiss,
The passion between us cannot be amiss,
But still, could cupid have stuck us both at once?
Maybe one day we finally be one?

College….
Long boring lectures,
Can I just sleep through this,
I'll read it later,
*** what is my professor even wearing?
My eyelids can't stay open,
And I wanna go back to bed
Oh why, oh why did Christmas break have to end,
I'm sick,
I'm hungry,
Oh God I wanna **** myself,
This degree better be worth it,
I'm freezing,
This place can't even pay for heating?
How much is this text?
I don't even have enough for rent.
Can I just graduate yet,
I did this in High school,
I can't pay for that…
I'm so ready to die…
My youth being spent on mindless literature

I feel like its a cancer
growing inside of me,
Deep within the caverns of my calloused heart,
and I can do nothing but feel
Pain
that hallow ache
of nothingness
And the fact I can do nothing,
No word i mutter, no act I do, not a single element of my existence can cure you,
and therefore
I cannot help but bleed within, without stopping,
I cannot be anymore hurt,
Hemorrhaging inside,
Knowing that you have a disease out of my control,
All I can do is watch and pray,
Hoping one day it'll pass away

Summer where is the sweet freedom I once knew,
The precious youth to spend all my nights doing what I wished,
Those moments I could go back to  being kissed wet after rain,
Why can I not be released to do what I please,
I feel as if God is punishing me,
And I'm frustrated cause I have no time,
Or energy,
To spread my achy wings and fly,
But anyone can be compared to a bird,
I though have a song to sing,
A book to write and a life to really start living,
I can't put up with all these wasteful things,
Like working and sleeping and worry,
Summer is a season of no cares, yet I'm carrying my huge load which I need to finally let down.
Cause I have no control of anything
and that is what makes me anxious most of all

I don't know what to write or say, my brain is losing its own mind, and my heart lost its way.
Summer started and I crashed into a whole new dimension of sweet intoxicating freedom. But the perfumes were overwhelming and I was scared with all this boundless time.
I searched for friends, but they were no where to be found. And because of this change, I took it out on the one person who never left. Badgering him to be something he wasn't. I was bored and done. Lost in love and wondering who I had become. He was gone to, for some of the time. I knew not what to do, or where to go, or who to even talk to. I felt like a caged animal who had finally be rereleased into the wild, forgetting how to behave its natural way. I withdrew into my security and fought the outside for it kept trying to **** me. I had let my hair run wild, and I didn't wake up till about noon. I was lost, and I felt like a *** off the street without a job. And I struggled to figure out who I was and what was my purpose in life, especially that right now. Right now when life seem to be drifting by and I had all the time in the world, but had nothing to fill it with.

I would like to go back a thousand years ago,
just to sleep.
For I'm drenched in thoughtlessness.
I ache for some relieve.
And I'm trying, solely not to burn up.
and I do not mean to over dramatize, but I'm lost.
Which I guess is usual for being 20.
Only 20, as I eat myself up in tv shows and confusion.
And I watch the world get married and have babies, but I don't want that,
No I don't need that.
Nor do I really want that.
As profs talk as if I care, about their useless pieces of info they throw at me, except the one about dinos. I like that.
But anyways I sit and here they look at me as if I really give a ****.
I want a job. Don't they understand.
And I parked in the wrong spot today,
and the critique went bad and I overpaid on an earl grey latte and wasted my day watching friends all day.
But we all have those bad days.
And I'm trying trying trying so hard not to think bad thoughts.
But the weather is rainy, and I'm still tired. This ever longing tiredness. But I drew today. I drew my sorrows away, and no matter what those stingy profs say, I can draw. I draw to keep myself together.
I draw so I don't think the bad thoughts, to keep my jealous thoughts back at bay. So I quit making a fool of myself, the only think I know how to do is draw.
And I have a wide open summer, of no plans, or prospering, or any real progress.
Isn't that sad?
To dread your own summer.
Maybe after having summer so many times, it loses it's freedom quality. It becomes just another season to endure.
And that's sad. It's sad when you can't look forward to summer.
Cause summer was once a fantasy.
A sense of adventure accompanied summer.
And I look at summer now with a dread and inability to really be ready or excited for it.
That's really sad.
And I'm not writing to make you sad, but I'm writing out of my inability to understand this sadness.
I'm trying to hold on to something...
Maybe this sadness will pass into something I can hold onto.
And coincidently were talking about the blues...in class.
Not really helping my melancholy frankly.
I think teachers are so wrapped up in their own cynical life they like to spread it onto others.

I walk alone among my dead departed dreams,
They look like flowers broken among my trees.
How art thou, I asked them,
They reply anon.
Anon, dear flowers, anon,
For they breathe no more,
And I within them, fall, for where is the flows and fancies of this dear life,
Where is the air, where is thy sweet archaic glorious perfume?
Where art thou, Dear friends.
Dear, sweet heart pain, is now my closest companion,
How art thou? It asked, I replied, lost and confused,
Where life have you taken me

We bicker like an old couple,
But we talk like two good friends,
And I can't help but secretly want him,
Because out of everyone I've ever known,
It's also been him,
To call me unsuspectedly and chat,
No matter how many times I try to push him out of my life,
For God sake's he's in Florida and I still think of him every now and then,
Was it just false hope,
Or still a solid dream I should pursue,
Am I just nuts?
But I still look back to that night,
That first night when he put his arm around me so randomly,
I had glasses on and my hair looked a wreck,
Still…
For some stupid reason it felt right with only him

I wanna tell you life ******* *****,
Kicks you in the ***, when your down it doesn't care,
It just kicks harder,
Like a splinter in your finger,
The hangnails peeling off your hands,
And the callouses just get rougher,
Or worse,
A friend shuts up,
A boy leaves,
And life just doesn't give a **** about where you go or what you do,
Everyone around just wants to hurt you!
And I got these bandaids from my battle scars,
I decided to try too hard,
Or not try at all,
I can't seem to win,
So its ok to feel hopeless, or like a loser,
Or the wimpy sinner that you are,
I mean for awhile,
But don't let the dust bite you,
Don't let the storm blow you over,
When you get hit,
You hit back!
When your heart breaks,
You break whatever broke it,
Lick the wounds later,
Cause you gotta go after what some happiness right now

When there is pain in your chest and your not sure what to do next,
And you feel like the whole world is about to cave in,
Like someone ripped out an ***** or two and replaced it with fire,
Like hot lave, burning in your once cold hard veins,
And your not happy,
Like every inch of you is on the edge of tears,
Or breaking down into the atoms that can't seem to stick together,
And you feel like you got nothing to do,
Or you have so much to do, you don't know where to start,
And taking another breath,
Just hurts,
Like ******* in pine needles,
Puncturing your lungs,
And even air has become your very enemy,
Even your friends can't stand you,
And you can't even begin to stand them,
Cause they all got lives now, that you are not apart of,
You just watch,
Like an outsider,
A frightened spectator of taking a few risks every now and then,
That's what it feels like today

Hold me in your arms,
Kiss me till dawn,
With you I can do,
Life,
Cause the world likes to see me, without scars and wrinkled skin,
I'm the supposed perfect image,
But with you I'm tousled hair and pimples,
Bruises and pain,
I'm dripping in vain with agony and I cannot show any part of that,
Or else they won't love me, And I refuse to let them in,
But you
Oh you,
Accepted and explored and challenged me,
You gave me victory and I was lost before,
Not that you found me in my woods, but you gave me comfort.
And that's all I ever needed,
Was for someone to violently and selflessly think about me everyday

Ouch!
Thou cruel fate has pierced my heart,
And I can barely breath,
Inhaling has become a lot harder,
And I wanna scream!
But maybe I'm not meant to be,
In control of my horrible destiny,
This cruel life that can easily break,
My glass heart,
And in the wake of my daydreams
Are creepy and disdainful nightmares,
Oh please,
I beg,
Life be merciful,
As I am nothing without some hope to keep on holding onto

I finally fell for a friend. Not a stranger or a crush,
Just someone I could easily let in,
To my messy heart and head,
But sadly it now won't be easy,
At least my stomach's not so queasy,
But dang now my heart is pumping pretty funny,
And I just like you for real,
Before I was abusing you,
But now I really feel like I might suddenly lose you,
And that's not cool,
So maybe we should back up,
Reverse,
Check out our damage and make sure we aren't too hurt,
But darling, I just want you and I to work,
Even if it's gonna be hard,
Just promise me we won't go too far,
And stop and start up again,
Making sure our engines can work
Like they should again

my eye hurts,
and I opened a diet coke,
And I'm sitting here wondering what the **** is this all worth
Cause I'm so mentally drained and obliterated with work
I just wanna suffocate
It hurts,
All around and nothing really feels entirely good,
I'm missing home
And I'm hoping tomorrow is good. And people keep acting like I'm something great when I'm the exact opposite of that,
This misery is nothing at all good,

I cannot fathom what I be without you,
Whether you like me drinking coffee or not,  
But this year has been surreal.
I was not catered to like a child anymore,
Except by you.
Now they treat me like I'm some cranky grown up when I'm an infectious spirit of energy with life and love all bundled up inside.
All they ask from me is money, or work that I can't do,
But you asked for nothing,
I'm nothing but a simple child with the title of adult.
And I don't think I'll ever be really use to that term.
I've seen how horrible this world really is, and how fragile friendships are.
And for some reason you stayed,
Despite my fits and sadness.
And maybe that's just it,
maybe that's all I really need is one person,
Who just accepts my flaws and all,
Indefinitely

What do ya do when a heart breaks?
Cause it hurts worse then a major headache,
I rather break a bone then a heart, cause hearts hurt insanely too much,
And no amount of ibuprofen is gonna work,
It just is gonna bleed more,
No matter the drugs or alcohol,
The pain will proceed,
Until time has taken it's sweet toll,
And then it just becomes a small sore memory

Don't stop.
Whether if your just starting, or about to be finished.
Keep going.
Even when life bangs you upside the head with accidents you couldn't have predicted.
Don't you dare even think of stopping.
I know the road is rough, but even roses have thorns.
And they'll stick into your skin and make you wanna stop.
Don't be tempted to.
Soon the sun will shine, and you'll see diamonds again.
Life will get better, maybe not today or tomorrow but soon.
Even after you failed that math class, or lost that job, know that it'll improve, somehow, someway. Don't lose hope.
Don't stop. Ever.

Heart beats,
Fingers stop,
And fire is about to ignite,
A storm approaches and I stop, wondering,
For this life is going on and on and on,
And I barely have time to really stop.
stop.
And I'm loved so vigorously by people who barely know me,
My face, my eyes, they are not mine.
But my soul eternally is,
and until I can rip out my chest with all the dust and cobwebs and corners that I hide, can I actually let you in.
Until I can actually take my ribcage and separate individual rips apart and show you the dead flowers rotting inside, You know not even the depth of me.
And they all try to know who I am, what color is my favorite and what's going on inside, But I don't let them.
Until I feel some safety. That you would neither judge or hit me could I even begin to start pulling my wrapped casings of me to expose to you.
I can't. I emotionally could never let you in, no matter how pretty you thought I was, how amazing you think my laughter is, how wonderful I can make you feel.
You know not me, How could you ever begin to know me.
For I am a novel and our relationship can only be a short story.

Im a useless bag of bones.
Broken in agony.
With a heart that doesn't wanna beat anymore.
My stomach is in knots and I feel like I'm so lost,
Worried, with the stress going on,
And I don't know how to fair anymore.
I just wish I knew what to do,
Cause right now I don't know how to breathe, regularly,
Its getting so scary.

I am wounded. Seared with scars of broken dreams, scattered across my own galaxy and I fear they will continue to stomp into the dust, unable to be renewed. And I am fearful of my future, so grave and hard to grasp. What am I even working so **** hard for? And why? Will it even come to pass? And my heart is weary and head is full of thoughts and I wish I had some small time to stop. Just to really grasp whats going on and how to stop the constant noise. And let my thoughts settle like the bottom of my ocean. Just to work my way through things, to get to know them and understand and to stop the constant madness. I cannot handle on my own. But still it goes on like the waves of an ocean, with a very hide tide.