By nature, I run.
By nature I push you away.
Please, make me stop.
Don’t let me push you.
Let me see you.

But I love this world.
It tastes so sweet.

It is the poison that I love…
the poison the I can’t live without,
the poison that is killing my soul,
the poison the has me chained.

I don’t want to be chained.
I want to be free.

But I don’t care about anything anymore.
I enjoy being dead inside.
Its all I know.
It feels comfortable.

I don’t want to be free.
But I want to be free.
But I don’t want to fight anymore.
I was to lay in my mire,
lay in my *****.

It is my safety blanket soaked in poison.
It is my strength.
It feeds my body while draining every drop from me.
I am dying.
But I want to die…

Love,
It isn’t for me.

It is for perfect people.
People with a beautiful voice.
People with strength in their eyes.
People with perfect bodies.
People with perfect confidence.

I don’t believe in love, well love for me.
I feel unnoticed, in the corner.

I’ve tried standing,
But I’ve never stood out.

People tell me I’m beautiful,
That I have talents and a purpose,
That I am one of a kind…

But aren’t my friends and family supposed to say these things to me?
Do they mean what they say?
I don’t think so.

And I don’t care how I look anymore….

I wait, excited for when I see you again.
touch your fingers
kiss your lips
hear your voice.

But you always wanted more.

Because instead of wanting to see me
you wanted to see how the dress you bought looked on my body,
instead of touching my fingers
you wanted to invade  the parts of my body i regarded sacred,
instead of kissing my lips
you wanted to devour my mouth
and dominate me to show how weak i am,
instead of hearing my voice
you wanted moans and cries of pleasure
screams for the world to hear that I belong to you.

I sit here on the bed.
After your rounds of happiness and my forced labor.
I ask you who was the girl that you were so clearly flirting with last night and you tell me  it was just harmless flirting
and I bite my tongue
because i wanted to scream at you
Is it harmless,
that when you canceled on our date because you said you were sick,
someone told me that they saw you at a club, that you were gripping that girl's waist
and grinding on her like you were her man?
Is it harmless,
that everyday you rub it in my face how immensely inexperienced and timid i am
compared to the other girls you've been with?
Is it harmless,
that you asked me if it's okay if you ***** other girls
and I was taken aback and it was clear that I didn't approve?
You said
"They don't really mean anything, I just need some variety."
I knew right there that even if I didn't allow you, you'd still do it.
And right now
I’m just confused more than ever as I ask you again
What exactly we are and you say
“We're exclusively dating.”
But most of the time it’s more like
exclusively *******
with each other
with other emotions
with our non-existent commitments.
Because after just a mere 5 minutes of you being with me
and I refuse to spread my legs for you,
you have the nerve to lie to my face and look me in the eye and say
"My love for you gets stronger everyday."
And I swoon, being the naive little girl that I am
I am hung up on your words and I say yes when you ask me if we're okay.
But I know that by okay you mean okay with being invaded.
And with every pound, with every ******
The word love is replaced by lust
so now the sentence is
"My lust for you gets stronger everyday
and my love for you decreases the same."

I am so tired and so worn down from the weight of all my insecurities and you come hobbling in with your own bag of insecurities and stick it inside of me which you only do when other girls don't want you to.

Well guess what
For the first time in my life,
I'm
gonna
say
no.

I'll smoke this cigarette
And think of you
My one regret
Wish I could forget
One day I will
And that'll be a sad day for you

A crane
Shading in the evening twilight
Trails its smokelike wings.