Evryone seems to think that just because I'm breathing
And my hearts still beating
Means I'm still alive

I don't think they could be anymore wrong.

Silent tears flow
Hush little child,
Don't make a sound
Don't show this weakness
With sobs,
Don't let others know
Just quietly cry on your lonesome
Stay in your room,
Don't let mother know
You're in this all alone
Because you can't trust others
Can't let the cracks show
Weak child, you need help
You can't carry this on your own
Yet you still stubbornly trudge on
All alone,
Refusing to let your pain show

My alarm clock screams at me to get up
I hit snooze
My first choice of the day I choose
To procrastinate

I don't want to get up
I've barely slept
A mere three hours of rest
I'm tired

I don't want to go to school.
That place is hell
I'm teased relentlessly
For things I can't control

I don't want to leave early
To go see the shrink,
And get more unwanted meds prescribed  
And those annoying lectures, about how my choices affect me

But at the end of the day,
There's a silver lining.
At least it's Friday,
And I don't have to go home.

Lost in my personal hell
The depths of my mind
Deeply ingrained memories
But I can't seem to find
The ones that I want
The ones with smiles
And laughing
And your touch,
Warm hands on my skin
And yes I am ticklish,
Extremely so, and everywhere
Are you?
I'll find out, eventually
Snippets of us run through my mind
But it's mostly of other times
When you wasn't there
And all I felt was fear
And anger and hatred
You're one of the few,
The few I could love
But, you don't want me to fall quite yet
Why not?

What do you mean by
can I come over?
No, no! I told you I'm finished.
I refuse to be your backup
I'm not a ******* fall girl
And I'll be ****** if I'm a call girl
Where's your little girlfriend?
She's the one you should text
When it's 12:37 at night
With messages like
*can I come over?

My pen has failed me
I sit with it and
Sheets of lined paper
Ready to be filled
But the words don't flow right
They're no longer adequate to express
This dull, aching hopelessness
Of knowing that I've lost my heart
Handed it away to someone
Who was much too careless
As words lined the already lined page
Bleeding hearts with barbed wire vines
Etched into the paper
During my wait for words
To pick their way out of my head
I listen to their sound as they tread
Through the minefield of my mind
Getting in traps that distort their meaning
Words like love becoming bleak
Because it got stuck in the trap
The trap that is you

My life will probably be a lot easier,
When everyone realizes
That there is nothing they can do
To make me want to change,
That I haven't already tried.

I've always loved color symbology
The silver of the sharpest blade
Is fluid, emotional, sensitive, mysterious.
Is soothing, calming, purifying. Silver
helps with the cleansing and releasing,
mental, emotional issues and blockages
My pink tinged, pale skin
Is a sign of hope. It is positive, warm
comforting feelings, everything will be okay.
Suddenly violated by a shock of red, which
can give confidence to those
who are shy or lacking in will power.
the color red symbolizes and awakens
our elusive, physical life force.
And after all is said and done
All is wrapped in white clothe bandages
purity, innocence, wholeness and completion.
white is the color of new beginnings,
wiping the slate clean,
It is the blank canvas waiting to be written upon.

I almost said I love you
It's true, no wait, don't leave!
I'm sorry. I didn't say it,
I don't love you
Just stay here for awhile longer?
Please, I need you
Of course I'm not attached
i just love you a little is all
No, I'm not going to wait for you
*i would wait till the end of time if you asked

She has lines of verse on one side of the page
And math notes on the other
Ink stains mark her hands,
Yet she can't talk to another
Written words flow easy
But with a person it's not so breezy
She tends to stumble
And not just with words does she fumble
Lines running in her head
She writes them down before bed
And during lunch
And I have a hunch
They're written during study hall
And during classes, one and all
Poems of hers
And quotes of theirs
Two AM is just another time
She's creating or remembering rhyme
Reciting Poe as she drifts away
That's how she says goodbye to another day

I don't want a kiss.
Just a hug, please
I just want to be held
I need comfort
Can you do that for me?
Could you please?
And I promise, if you do this
Next time, you can have your way

5 more hours till I can go home
And count the hours till I can go to bed
Wasting my time on meaningless tasks
To get through with yet another day
And repeat it all tomorrow
Just another weekday that I'm counting away
To get to that all too short break
Two days of healing evry other weekend
To keep me from breaking completely
Building up a thin wall in my mind
To try and keep them all out
And myself all in

I can't help but imagine
Tracing those perfect lips
With my fingertips
Softly down your sides to your hips
My arms around your waist
I wonder how you taste
my minds in this odd place
Between wanting to make you my own
And knowing I should slow down

I'm tired of your *******.
I do not abuse you,
And even tho you don't seem to remember it
I have the bruises to prove that you hit me
I'm tired of you threatening me
By doing stupid **** like calling the cops on me
And driving me to the "youth opportunity center"
If your going to get rid of me then do it.
Because they won't take me
They don't have the room,
They will send me to live with a family member
Like granny or aunt Chris
And I'm ok with that.
So shut the **** up and leave me alone
Put whatever your about to throw at me down
If your that intent on throwing me out
Give me some time to pack
And I will be gone
I'm not looking back.

I feel like I'm standing on deaths door
And His icy hands are griping
Me around my ribs I can't breathe
I'm waiting for Him to claim me
Or anyone here we're all subject to His will

Death is finicky
He claims randomly
And I'm in His terrain
A place where He claims
And counts the newborns
His eventual victims

He is here I can feel Him
As my knees go weak
And my vision fades
I grit my teeth
and try to stay in the game
Because I'm not His, not today.

Does he really think I care?
Or maybe he thinks I'm not aware
Grades slipping third week in
Nerves fraying under my skin
Physical contact feels like pins
Prescribed drugs barely numbing
Not-so-legal ones halfway curing
Mental issues, no equations
No simply solving personal problems
This isn't your little mathematical world
This is my burdens, not yours
Don't try to solve them
I'll work on resolving them
Hopefully dissolving them

Distance makes the heart grow fonder
I used to think, no way was that true
But now I see the wisdom in the words
Because while you were here,
You invaded a few of my thoughts
But now that you're gone
I can't think of a ******* thing but you
And all the feelings I've been through
And I'm pinning all the blame on you
Even though I know, I'm at fault too
It's odd how with all the **** going on now,
How my mind finds moments to dwell on you
There's more important things I need to do
I'm about to be royally *******
And life isn't a big fan of ****
But all I have on my mind
Is a mantra of your name
And flashing images of us
And one little word I swore I'd never say
One feeling I wanted to stay away
That I'm afraid I'll feel for the rest of my days

You've broken me
Are you happy now?
Made me want to die
As I sit here and cry
All because of you
Pushing me around like you do
I honestly want to **** you
See your blood flow red
Because of the stuff you said
How ******* dare you
Telling me that it was my fault
That your boyfriend used me
And that you abuse me
How dare you
Say half the things you say
I will hate you till the very day
That I decide I'm done with this life

I'm done with life for a few
Done with school and pretentious *****
Done with repetitive lessons and insults
Done with mothers rants and
Done with my shrinks newest pills
Done with being broken
Done with trying to be fixed
Drs visits, lack of sleep, dehydration,
Aches and pains, side effects,
Stress sickness, dizzy spells,
This is my life,
And I'm temporarily done with it.

I can't believe your threatening me
Go ahead you old ******* hit me
I ******* dare you.
I've been looking for a reason
to never come back please
Please give me one
I will be so **** happy.

Where do dreams come from?
Our mind, our environment
Products of wishful thinking
Mourning what we may never have
Ever-wishing for our desires
In the women's heart
The young mans mind
Ever-changing, ever-reaching
New dreams coming
Old ones leaving
Where do the dreams go?

I may be a daemon,
But, you're no angel sweetheart

Call me what you want darling,
Just remember who you are

We're not so different, you and me
No, not so different at all, you see

We have many the same flaws,
Only difference is, I don't hide mine

I don't cover my flaws with
Expensive name brand products,

I don't hide behind all that
Thick, caked on make-up

I don't have those nice Gucci wings
And I sold my lovely gold halo

For another meal, another night.
And one more trip along the way

It's easy to look like an angel
When you have the money for your worldly pleasures

It's easy to look like an angel
When you never have to do any work

Welcome to my mind
You're getting a sneak peak
A preview, if you will
Of the twisted metal statue
That is my mind
I'm warning you now
I keep music on
To drown my own my thoughts
I try to avoid my own mind
so you probably should too...

I can feel my sanity draining
Leaking from my ears
So I keep headphones in
To try to stop the flow
But it still drains out slowly
With thoughts like
i know he's just using me
But I'll deal with it, because,
Clearly I'm a ******* idiot

Maybe I do love him, who knows?
The *** is amazing though
He doesn't know that,
Even before he tried to say
no strings attached
I was already tangled up
As I have been

How little he knows about his pretty little toy
Not that he needs to know much
It's insanely easy for him to get to me
he doesn't even know you write...
And still manages to know my weakness

I'll do almost anything to get out of my house
Which is how I ended up staying at his anyway
The things I ended up doing
In an attempt to get away from mother
Still swirl around in my mind
Some of them making me blush
Others, making me want more
Even though I said
this will be the last time
I highly doubt it will
But it will be for awhile at least...
Because of that new girl
I'll be waiting for her to pass
His latest conquest
can never be as good as you are

I don't know how to handle love
Or hatred, grief, depression
But ***? I have mastered that
I mastered that long ago
At a way to early age
he doesn't know about that either...
Doesn't know it wasn't willing
Doesn't know the subject of the nightmare
That woke us both up at 3 in the morning
And initiated another round  
Doesn't know the reason I didn't take my turn
In the handcuffs, I just said
it causes panic attacks..
But didn't elaborate past that
Didn't show him the scars
Still on my wrist
From my mothers boyfriends handcuffs
Didn't tell him they've been there
For nearly 7 years
*has it really been that long...?

I wish I had a family.
But instead I have relatives
Blood relatives
That I want to stay relatively far away from
Our clashing results in crashing
Yelling screaming madness
Angry words and bitter thoughts
Hatred boils beneath our
Loving, warm smiles
You can barely feel it sometimes
The tension in the room
And other times that tension
Is thicker than the air
None of us really care
None of us really want to be here
Trapped in this house together
We pretend we're not there
We pretend were anywhere
But where we are at the moment

I guess it's genetics
That makes me love the feel smoke
The burn of alcohol down my throat
It's a family business after all
Papa grows and daddy sells
How easy it is to ask for some
They'll share it with me lovingly
Whatever it is that I may need
Easy access to my vice
They never even think twice
Just hand it over with a smile
Tell me to be back home in awhile
Or, text them to let them know
Where I'm staying at that night
They don't ever tell me no,
They never say you can't stay there
And if perhaps my mother calls?
I'm in the bath or out for a walk
I might even be asleep
Safely tucked into my bed.

You, upperclass, American feminist
Will you please shut up about a sandwich?
And comic book characters, supermodels
Shut up about your first world problems
And take a look somewhere,
Where the idea of feminism Is actually needed
Have you ever heard of an arranged marriage?
It's common practice in other places,
Right after puberty, as long as the ******* are there
11, 12, they don't really care
See the life of a Nepali girl, lower-class,
Lack of freedom
Learn about the meaning
Of the word
kamlari
Young Nepali slave girls
Beaten and bruised,
Not allowed to be ill
Or
Jogini,
Devadasis
Which are both from india
Dedicated to a goddess at as young as as five
To bring the family good fortune
The tribes girl, forever *****
But with nightly visitors in her bed
They're hoping for some of her luck
To rub off on them
Sumangali
dalit girls
Sold by their family
For next to nothing,
It's called "bonded labor"
And is supposed to pay off debts
But the trap is set
The girl is caught
And if the "bonded labor man"
Feels she isn't of enough use
Maybe she's been beaten or is a little too ill
He sells her off to another man
Supposedly to pay her hospital bill
So yes, feminism is needed
But not here you little heathen
Shut up about your so called freedoms
And help the ones so desperately need it

I'm playing with the rubiks cube of my mind
Moving little colored squares,
Lining up a few rows
Looking at it for a second,
Realizing that will never work
Pondering over it,
Moving it some more
Absorbed in the focus of my work
Lining up another row, ****, no
That ***** up this other row
Starting over, working slower,
Forever fiddling with this hopeless puzzle

She wears black
Traditional mourning colors
So for who does she mourn?
She hasn't lost anyone
Except herself
She mourns lost dreams
She mourns lost hopes
Wishes that never came
Her stolen innocence
She mourns the blood she lost
Flowing red from her wrists
She mourns the breath she can't take
As she hangs from the rope
Her last attempt at learning to cope

I'm going to forget about the things I have to do
And I'm gonna sit here and think, about you.
How you held me and how we loved
All the words that passed our lips.
And that time you traced the scars on my arms
You made me promise, never again.

I'm not going to think about how you left, or why
You were my everything, my love, my sky
And no matter how hard I try, the many people I find
All the ones I rotate through my life,
All the meaningless love I find
All the people, they act like ants, carrying away bits of me

I can't forget you. I try. I fake love, and I lie
Trying to fill the hole you made, trying to get by
I still haven't broke my promise, not yet,
Tho I almost have, many a times.
I've not left many scars, just faint lines
They don't bleed. Well, not most of the time.

But you broke your promises, you know.
You said forever, you promised so.
Why should I listen to you anymore?
Why should I let you hurt me more?
Why should I keep my promises to you?
I shouldn't. And wish I wouldn't.

But I do, forever more

I play my emotions down to you
And tell you that I'm fine
I tell myself I don't need you
That I'm ok with being friends
But in truth it is quiet clear
The fact I'm writing for you, dear
Is proof that I do care
But I'll never let you know
I'll never let it show
Because I don't want to let you in
No, not quite yet

"Good morning"
Is typically my first lie of the day

Then after that comes "I love you too, mom"
"I'm fine" is a fairly common one
Normally somewhere I say
"I'm not hungry" or
"It's just a scratch"

"I don't need people I'm fine on my own"

Sometimes saying "how are you?"
Is a lie because I don't really care
Unless your a friend in which case I do.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
A lie I say every school day.
  
And I tend to end my day with
"Good night, sleep well"

Growing up?
What is that?
It sounds positively dreadful.
Putting on the mask of a grown up.

No thank you.
To grow up is to grow old, So I think I'll pass.
I'll stay young forever,
at least in my private time...

Forget this staying inside all day
Afraid of the rain because you might catch a cold
Won't get up in a tree cuz you might fall.
You can stay in your safe little grown up world. But me?

I'm gonna go play in some puddles.
I'm going too see who can climb the highest.
Sure I'll mature a little as time goes on. I'll become responsible
But I will never, ever grow up to where I can't enjoy the rain.

goons and girls of every age,
Won't you like to see something strange?
Come with us and you will see,
In our town of halloween....*
This is halloween
A day to remember
A single day of every year
That spirits can wander
And not just of the undead, oh no
Living spirits wander all over
Dressed up spectacularly
Vampire, witches and the occasional ghost
Zombies, cats and I've seen a couple wolves
There's a devil and cop, walking together
And oh my, was that Elvis?
Oh dear, I think I'll avoid that pope
Let's walk together
Come on, please?
Never too old to trick or treat
Never too cold, just wear a coat!
What do you care if mr cowboy over there
Thinks you're immature?
What bore you are,
So grown and stiff
What a bore to be
A good kid
Fine! You can stay here
Ill talk to you later
I'm going to have some fun

why, i beg of you,
do you want to expand the hate?
no, i dont agree with racism
anti-Semitism, sexism, anything related
but argueing with the narrow-minded
doesnt get anyone anywhere.
fighting fire with fire,
isnt going to fix anything.
fire simply can not put out fire.
it only causes it to grow.
no one is willing to change their way of thinking
no one is willing to bend.
and it doesnt even matter whose right,
your both trampling eachothers rights
lets all just sit down for a few,
calm down, chill out
you dont have to agree
to live together in harmony

i wish I could show you
the pictures I took today
on my first hike of spring

they are pretty spring flowers
so fragrant in bloom
lilacs and wildflowers

they tell me, in sweet whispers,
"spring is really, truly, here"
and I feel my winter blues, disappear

I cant say that this heals me
or fills me with joy
but it gives a small tint, of hope

as I watch the birds flitter
from branch to branch
I let my imagination soar.

I climb up to the tippy top of a tree.
and wait. after all is still,
nature resumes.

and I watch. and it gives me
hope.
and faith.

that life will go on.
even when I don't really want it too.

My heart jumped
When I thought
You had texted

And it stopped
When I realized
It wasn't you

When someone asks me, "how are you?"
I think, I'm broken
But still alive,
Even if I don't want to be.
And my heart is gone
Locked away in a steel case
And my mind is far away
Kept complacent by the drug haze
And my body hurts
From the bruises she leaves
And the cuts I inflict
I think all this,
But I just smile and say,
"I'm fine, and how are you?"

I've made it 4 hours without my iPod
And I'm proud of myself
I haven't spilled blood yet
But you're pushing it darling
Without Metallica to calm me down
Your words take on a new sound
I have no Marylyn Manson right now
So you might want to ******* or bow
I might just break something
On you maybe, or myself
I'm not a violent person see?
So my angers turned inward on me
And the blade becomes my friend again
This dreadful off and on relationship
Drawing me in and spitting me out
And I honestly hate everything about
Everything that the blade touches
Evry thing it represents
But I just can't help it
It's already under my skin
Already a part of me
As I make a new line,
I tell myself just this last time
But we both know,
This blade and me,
We both know
I can't help myself

I just want to sleep
One full night of rest
Maybe just one more pill...
Maybe just a couple more...

But the nightmares still come
And they still wake me up
Maybe just a few more...
Maybe then I'll be able to rest

I wake up in the morning
Still tired as could be
So I'll have some caffeine
That will keep me awake

And then throughout the day
I drink more and more
Still groggy still tired
But conscious at least...

I take stuff to help me sleep
And then some more to keep me up
And some throughout the day to help me eat
Not to mention the ones actually prescribed

For depression
Multiple personality disorder
Attention deficit disorder
They all have more pills I'm supposed to take

And I can't help but remember
I used to just self medicate
And my grades were good I was a healthy active kid
And I didn't take hardly anything at all

But now there's all this stuff
My doctors like to give
They don't listen when I say
This stuff is killing me

I thought I had this sorted out
I thought knew what to do about
This whole me and you thing
But I was wrong
So, so very, very wrong
Because just a couple words from you
Has me hoping all over again
Even though I know it's an if-then
Tricky type of situation
If she never knows
Then we can still be friends
If she ever leaves
Then we can be more then friends
Like we used to be, hypothetically
If it all works out right
Then you will be mine.

I just don't subscribe to your logic
Unless it makes sense to me, too
I'm not going to do what you say
Unless you provide a valid reason
It's not that I want to disobey
It's that I was never given a reason to obey
I have no incentive to listen to you
Nothing to make me think you're right
I'm not a fan of wasting my time
Which you seem to love to do
Which makes sense because it's my time,
Not your own that you're wasting away
I want to get out of this hamster wheel
But you're busy super gluing my feet to the spokes
Not only trapping me here,
But impairing my efficiency too

I no longer fight my demons
It's really a hopeless battle
And I have not the willpower
To sustain a constant war

My body has been scared
My soul has been stretched
My mind has been scratched
And all three are exhausted

I no longer fight the darkness
I let it in, let it envelope me
It's not nearly as cold as I thought it'd be
And unlike the light, it still lets me see

I am done with all fighting
I've resigned myself to peace
Despite others calling it evil,
I love my inner devil

I'm on the winning side here,
True good can never win
I'm on the funner side here,
No restrictions on my pleasure

Can't you see, this is what's best for me?
I'm too fragile for your constant war
Too delicate for the inner struggle
I can't weather the storm of your faith any longer

My mind is a prison cell
And I can't find the key
A little quiet cell
With frantic writing on the walls
The ink so thick that
It helps support the crumbling walls
I'm waiting for the implosion
These walls and ceilings
Tumbling down on me
Will it crush me to death,
Or finally set me free?

Is it possible?
Is it possible for us to just get along
No yelling screaming hitting kicking
No stupid ******* things you say
Dragging up the past and
Coming up with ways to blame me
Telling me I'm at fault for everything
Explaining away your responsibility
You use drugs because
I stress you out
Sorry, but I'm sick of raising your kids
While you're passed out
I want a life,
I want to be able to go out
With friends, maybe even a boyfriend
Is that too much to ask?
I didn't have these kids, they're not my responsibility
But I'm still responsible for them
And their church meets, cub scouts
Girl Scouts, ball practice,
I drag you out of bed for Dr appointments
Because they need your signature
I cook meals and take them to their friends house
All the things you weren't there
To do with me.
And I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of doing everything just to have you there
Telling me it's not enough
And punishing me
I'm dying slowly
Can't you see?
No, I guess not
I hide myself from you
I shelter my self from you,
From the one who's supposed to protect me

I think I have
Officially lost my mind
But I'm not quite sure, yet.
I spent quite a bit of time
Discussing with myself
And it is inconclusive
Sophia says I have
But Isabella says I have not
And I'm listening to them debate
Me and the others cannot wait
To get a definitive answerr
Ethan occasionally chimes in
He can't stand to be left out
Riley and Richard lurk in a corner
With some popcorn
And Annabelle is off in her own little world
She doesn't much care either way.
She's watching the unicorns and the fey
That are produced by the drug haze

I'll be right out,
Just give me a minute
Because I need to hide the tears
That I certainly wasn't just crying
And attempt to look like
Everything's fine

People in my family, that don't know me real well
Tend to tell me I had a good childhood
And it's all because they don't know

They see the facts like
She went to Disney Land,
And California
And Mexico
Not to mention,
How her grandparents spoiled her

But I remember very little of my time like that
don't get me wrong, I'm not ungrateful
To my aunt and grandparents
It's just that I don't remember most of it

What I do remember of my childhood is
Getting my hair brushed by mom
And anytime I moved or said ow
she'd hit me with the brush

Or when I didn't hear her,
Before we knew I was half deaf,
she'd get so mad
And she'd punish me for ignoring her

That time I was helping her clean the yard
And the next thing I knew
she had me down on the ground
kicking me, for somthing
I don't even remember what for

I remember my 5th birthday,
Evryone brought me presents
And as I opened them,
she took them from me
And put them in the corner
Because I didn't deserve them

I remember walking in on your husband
Choking you
Your face was blue
And I turned around and walked back out
I had just turned four
And it wasn't even a cause for concern

I remember her parties
Late at night,
They were so loud I couldn't sleep
And I wasn't allowed to leave my room for anything
I'd be in there for hours,
No food or drink
I was afraid to come out and see
After that first time
And I saw you in that outfit
On that pole and
Those plates of white powder
The straws and needles
And all the smoke
And the bowl of colorful pills
I didn't know what it was for
But it scared me
And I never came out again

And I remember babysitting
I was only eight
I could barely talk
And couldn't really hear
But I took care of myself
And my sister and brother

I remember that boyfriend you had
When I was eleven
I remember his wandering hands
And how warm and sticky they were
And how much he liked to "help" me
When you were gone
And the razor blades that made me forget
And the new scars to cover the ones made by his chains

And I remember each and every bruise you've left
And all the mean words you've said
I remember all of it,
And you know what?
I wish I remembered Disney Land

I have a million unfinished poems
That start with a thought of you
But fail to capture you right
Or start on a different topic entirely
And trail off, into you
A million little couplets
With cute, near rhyme
About mundane things you do
Things you're probably not even aware of
I just can't get you out of my mind
No matter how much I try
And you're not even mine

I am a broken marionette
****** about on strings
No control over what happens to me
Because I'm just a child
Who's supposed to believe
The adults know what's best for me
As they shove diagnoses in my face
And pills down my throat.
After all, I'm just a kid
And you're all grown-ups
You don't have to listen to me when I say
That I don't want these pills.
That they make me feel even more dead inside
You threaten me with things like
Mental asylums and hospitals
The "youth opportunity center"
When you find them in the trash,
Or down the sink drain,
After all, I'm just a child
How could I know what's best for me?