Another year older,
Should feel special,
Should feel sweet
But instead, it feels like any other day
I wore slightly more comfy clothes
And that's all that marks it
Besides a few close friends
Saying happy birthday to me
The big 18th year of life
Should feel special
Should feel sweet
But instead, it's lost in the monotony
The melancholy of my life
Repetitious routine
The every day pattern of my days
As they drag on, ever so slowly
Losing me in the monotonous melancholy
Should be special
Should be sweet
But instead, it's just me

I was going to write for you today
Get my thoughts out, onto paper
Reread and maybe figure this all out
But I forgot my pen, you see
So I'm trying to type
But nothing comes out just right
Too many thoughts running through my head
Can't type fast enough to keep up with them
Running in circles around my own thoughts
Driving myself intermediately insane

I can feel the emotions rolling off you
You hate me, you want to break me
Go ahead and try little one
See how that would end up
Oh, sure, you'd win this time
Not much of a challenge am I?
But you see, I have friends
And they won't take too kindly to you
I'm pacifist my dear
I don't condone and won't take part
In this violence I'm feeling from you
But I have no control over what they do
I'd much rather settle this like adults
I wish we could sit down and talk
But you won't listen to a word I have to say
And that's ok, your choice to make
But I'll be ****** if I settle this your way

No one saw the beauty
In the thrown away pieces of glass
Jagged, crooked edges,
Until someone came along
And pieced together
The broken pieces of a little girl
Carefully filled in all the cracks
With a warm gold
Smoothing over the rough edges
Polishing with a lustrous finish
Turning thrown away
Into a desired commodity
Nurturing her into an artwork
All her own

Go ahead. Talk about me
Say whatever you want
Tell everyone what you know
I really don't care
And neither do they
And neither does he
It's hard to start rumors,
Hard to spread gossip,
About someone that doesn't give a ****
About what other people say
Oh and by the way,
Next time you should knock

Do I have a problem with you? No
I have an issue with that
Better-than-thou attitude
that high horse you're sitting on?
It's really just a ******* on stilts
Either get down here on my level
Or pick me up, take me up there
I'll offer a ride as my fare
Nothing I haven't done before, my dear
And nothing you wouldn't do,
If you was stuck down here
I'm a victim of my circumstances
And you're a victor of yours

You can't tell me life is not a game
When your main objective is to collect coins
And do activities to say we've done them
And compare scores

You can't tell me life is not a game
When I've already put chips in
And have weighed my bets
And am calculating my risks

Life is a game
But it's a difficult one
It's an important game
Because this game is your life.
And it governs how you live.
There are no rules
There are no definite goals
Except to enjoy it
And don't die.

I feel like the inventor of headphones
Has been vastly under-appreciated
These thin wires
Have saved lives,
Sound directly in my ears
Making my blood want to flow
More then I could ever make it
I swear my heart beats
Solely for the sound of my life savior
Known as music

I have finally accepted
I will never find a person that says
"I love you more" first
And then says
"Oh, thank god. Me either"
When I laugh and say that
I don't play that game.

Will never find that person who
Writes me poems but yet
Is not a hopeless romantic

Who shows me love without
Smothering me in it

Who I can debate with, without
Arguing or hurt feelings

I will never find that person
Who is exactly
Like
You

Little girl. Four years old.
Pretty dresses. Dry those tears
Time for pictures
Mommys little doll.
Pretty little doll
Gets attention now
Soak it up while you can
Looks are all that matter
In the "flashing room"
Sit still while I do your hair
Make up too
Don't you dare move

•••

Little girl. Five years old
Get down from that tree
Good girls don't get *****
No, don't play in the mud
**** you
go to your room

•••

Little girl, nine years old
Here's your cell phone,
Mommy won't be home today
Make sure your sister does her homework
And clean up from dinner
I made up bottles for your brother
Don't stay up too late

•••

Little girl, eleven years old
Too pretty for your own good
I'm your moms friend,
Trust me
It won't hurt,
Stay still
Be a good girl
Take those clothes off for me

•••

Little girl, twelve years old
You hold it like this
Now inhale,
Let the smoke fill your lungs
Hold it for a minute
Exhale
Doesn't that feel good?
Here, have a drink

i think I love him
oh god, not again
why? hes nice and so swee..
because, you idiot, hes to far out of bounds
no hes not, im sure hed be willing
he shouldn't be, don't you understand anything!?
but im sure he...
no, if you loved him, youd not touch him
but hes just so lov..
don't even say the word, I cant believe you sometimes
cant you settle for that one stolen half kiss?
why should I? I don't see why we cant have
what we need
you don't need him, its lust, just like before
don't you see, hes broken just like we..
that doesn't mean he can fix us!
but two halves make a whole
cant you see? hed be good for us
he cares already, I know he..
don't be pretentious,
how long have know him?
well, times not really important,
our feelings...
*if ive told you once
ive told you a million times
your job is to pump blood
and that is
it!!

You say you like the feel
Of my nails digging into your skin
Leaving trails of red
And I know I like the feeling
Of your hands holding me
Leaving their blue marks
We cling to eachother tightly
Here, in your bedroom
And have the perfect friendship
Of insult based humor
And yet I'm still afraid to tell you
That I think I'm falling for you
We fit together so easily
But I'm afraid to hold on
Because I already know me
And I know I won't let go
Not until it bleeds
And the red startles me

I didn't sleep after I got home last night
After being at your place all day
Sleep wasn't in my grasp
Just like you. Slipping away from me
I'm love sick, overdosed on this
Dopamine rush you give
We've been apart 13 hours
And 9 minutes
And you haven't left my mind
Not for me to sleep
Or for me to really eat
I'm withering under this
Chemical rush in my head
Hoping it doesn't develop
Into a full blown, hopeless addiction
Hoping that it hasn't already
Without my permission
Without my notice
Became an addiction to you
And that amazing touch
That I already miss so much

I thought maybe
For a minute there
After I mentioned that I was now
-after all this time-
Finally eighteen
-which means finally legal-
I think you might've considered
Might've thought about us
About the possibility
And I wanted to tell then you then
-I've always loved you-
But I just nodded
And chuckled a little
And then you just smiled
And mentioned that -now-
Your parents would let me
Stay at your house

I hate you more
With every breathe you take
Every word you say
Every bruise you leave

I try so hard
To avoid hurt
I don't talk to many people at school
I don't stray far from my own little world

Just to come home, every day
To you screaming in my face
Your words linger in my ears
"I wish I didn't have you" ringing the most clear

I'm worthless, and lazy, you say
I'm selfish, because your sick
And I don't do enough to help you
By cooking the meals, and cleaning the house

Your injured, you say you fell,
So I need to step up,
And do more, to keep the stress off you
And help you heal

But you don't sound sick
When you yell at me
And you don't look injured,
When you hurt me

See? Your standing now
Yelling as you come near
Screaming right in my ear
The same old, tired words.

And as you push me,
And I fall
Only one thought rings clear
"You don't look sick, anymore, mommy dear"

ick. its almost that day again.
the day I have to put a fake smile on my face
and say to you cheerfully
"mommy, I love you"

we both know I'm lying
I don't see why we pretend
It wont be a good day no matter what
you called today just to *****

plus, its my sisters birthday
what a mess
I have to deal with little kids
and her preppy bubbly behavior

I think im just gonna sleep tomorrow.
just sleep all day.
ill get in trouble for it, I know.
im supposed to be home early

but I don't care anyway.

Music.
Music is poetry
Made to be listened to
Sounds in a lovely pattern
Flowing together to calm my nerves
A soothing rush of happiness
Or calmness,
Any emotion, I can pick a song
I can feel that emotion while it's on
And dearest, it's the best feeling in the world
To be lost in sweet melody
How I crave that hasty retreat
A moment away from harsh reality
Some time spent away from it all
Out of my mind, but in a good way
But in this matter I have no say
I have no music for the day
My ears won't have that coveted sound
Dearest, how I wish we could run away

I hold the blade close to my skin
My demons whisper in my ear why not
My angle loudly protests,
you can't she says
you have people that love you
You can't disappoint them
My demons whisper, its your choice
you shouldn't. It's not right.
To harm yourself, remember, harm none?
The demons whisper back, but self harm,
Harms no other. You only hurt yourself
it hurts the ones you love
where are the ones you love
When you need them?
They are not here.
You only have the blade
I finally break, I sink the blade deep
I am filled with remorse
Instant regret
But I knew it would happen, eventually
For you see, my demons,
Are numerous enough,
That all of them whispering,
Is still louder, then my single angel screaming.
And their temptation
Is sweet enough, to make me forget,
That the angel knows best.

We are engulfed in a flame of passion within moments
We burn up each others energy
We tire eachother out then
Rest in each others arms until
We are engulfed in a flame of passion
over and over, time and time again
I let my inner fire out
Let it burn us both up while
We are engulfed in a flame of passion
And you let yourself be you
Tell me what you like, no matter what it is
You can let your darker desires out while
We are engulfed in a flame of passion
Like a Phoenix, always burning up
And dying out
Before the unavoidable moment when
We are engulfed in a flame of passion

Here is my theological thoughts, questions, of the day,
For those dedicated Catholic, Christian friends of mine
Why does the bible condone slavery,
Allows so called holy wars,
But not freedom of sexuality?

What logical thought process is that?
You can ****, enslave hundreds,
for disagreeing with you, or having different skin,
But you can't love someone,
That's the same gender as you?

I want to know, please chime in
At what point did free love,
Become worse then ******, my friends?
This is a small selection of the questions
That kept me from my sleeping tonight.

The world doesn't revolve around you,
And neither will I
I have a chance here
And I'm taking it
Moving into the world
Making my own way
Starting today
As I fill out a form for a small apartment
I think of what I'll be losing
But also, what I'm getting
I think it's a fair trade
And I can't wait

Terror clings to my aching bones
Fear and cold seeping into soft tissue
My throat hurts from screaming
My hands are still shaking
As I reach up to turn the lights on
Relax, was all just a dream...
How I wish that were true
It's a nightmare.  A nightmare of a memory
I can still see the scars on my wrists
Faint white lines from the handcuffs
The cold metal digging into my skin
Becoming slick with my blood
His warm hands a contrast
But just as nightmarish
As they hold down my small body
So frail at that age

I'm not going to write about you
NO this poem isn't for you
It's about me.
It's about how I feel
Empty like a seashell
Still pretty on the outside
And if you listen close enough
Put me right up to your ear
You can hear the tides
Of all my lost dreams and
Forgotten hopes
You can hear the sighing
Of all my memories
All the things,
Not just me and you but
Me and him too
All the ones that have came and went
All the ones that have spent
My time and energy
On their own pleasure
In trade for a simple
Display of love and care

The thoughts I have consume me
I lose my feeling slowly
My spirit feels lost
In the shallow depths of my mind
I dwell in the dark, searching
For that last spark
The one that may save me,
From the chaos inside

13 messages
13 people that have seen it necessary to remind me
As if I didn't know today was the day
As if I didn't didn't pick up this date the last 17 years
The last 17 years of their mourning
For a man I never met
For a man that decided he was done
One month and five days before my first birthday
He ran away
And he's gone.
Blood means nothing,
I never knew him by daddy
I don't mourn a stranger,
So please stop reminding me

I am a strong girl
And independent individual
Who only need herself,
I can open my own sauce jars
And catch my own spiders
(Yes, catch, I never **** them,
They get rid of the more pesky bugs)
but in the end
Alone at night in my bed
I wrap myself up in layers of blankets
And pretend I'm in a mans arms
The same man that walked away
Just like that, the other day
There was nothing I could say
But it's all going to be okay
Because I am a strong girl
An independent individual

I cower in fetal position
As angry words are thrown
Not at me,
But hurting all the same
I close my eyes
But I can still see
My safe haven
My stable foundation
Is crumbling
Because of things
That may or not have
Even happened
Just suspicions
The slightest little hints
Taken as proof
Of infidelity

I slip on my shoes
Tiptoe around them
I leave, they don't even see
I walk thro the yard and
Grasp the branches of my favorite tree
And climb up until
All I can see is the beautiful landscape
And all I hear is birdsongs  
And then the tears come
Ever so quietly

One... two... three... four...
turn
You can see the spot on her floor,
Where her blue-green carpet is worn
Wishing she could walk out the door
Forget how bad her heart has been torn

One, two, three, four
turn
She has music blaring
Supposed to keep her from losing her mind
Supposed to keep her from caring
If only her tormentor weren't so kind

One two three four*
turn
He's still unaware of his slight
She's pacing, reciting Poe in her head
He's unaware of her pain every night
She's wishing her heart was dead

Onetwothreefour
turn
Her fingers twine through her hair
Berating herself for thinking of him
She hears a few strands tear
But paces on, ignoring them

Bread and circuses
Our world today,
In our sweet, free homeland.
We grow fat on breads
Pastries and sugars
And watch our
Sit coms on tv
Oblivious to the world around us
What's really happening?
Outside these walls of our free country

Instant panic
Frozen limbs
Paused breathing
They say there's a fight or flight response
But I've never experienced either
Just this crushing, blind panic
Inability to move,
Inability to speak
Inability to breath
As my vision goes blurry around the edges
And starts to turn black
And I see those all to familiar dancing dots
And then
then
•••
And then I wake up

You are now entirely mine
Formally shown through
Bite marks and scratches
And when, or before, they fade
I will kindly issue you more
On that previously flawless skin of yours
Sleek, toned muscles, on a thin frame
Warm hands, moving against me
Or tied down with silk ribbons
Entirely mine to command

I want to be a pixie
Not a fairy,
Pixies are sensual
Beautiful tricksters
They flit around
From tree to tree
Tempt and taunt
And tease
And have no queen

Fairies on the other hand
Are innocent
And cute
They flit around
And do good
And listen to their queen
How adorable,
But not for me
I want to be a pixie.

Do you love me?
I know you love my body
And I know you love what I can do to you
But do you love me?

God I used to love you so much
You have no clue baby doll
But now? I don't even know
You just have me confused

We've been together forever
I don't even remember since when
But baby I remember you had me from go
You were my everything you know

But I think we're fading out
And I hate it I wish it wasn't happening
But that doesn't stop it.
It doesn't heal us

Don't get me wrong
I'll keep holding on
Just like I always have
Until you let go

Baby that'll **** me inside
But you already know that
Baby doll you have my heart
In your hands please baby

Before you let go, please
Put it back where it belongs

I've had some trouble composing my thoughts of late
I'm finding it hard to find words to relate
To how I'm feeling deep inside
My hectic jumbled heart and mind

I've never had this problem before
I've never had issues telling about the inner gore
Of my chaotic inner world
Or finding words to rhyme

I think I'm letting him distract me
Way too much I'm letting him in
And I know how pointless pursuing him is
He'll never accept that kind of love from me

His broken little-sister type girl
He's never showed me anything
besides Innocent love and sympathy
I don't know why my mind insists on thinking of him so

He's old enough to be my dad...
I really must stop this, I'm losing my thoughts
****** mind, shut the hell up
I shouldn't love him, let's keep it at that

Promises are fragile things
You say them in that moment
You mean them sincerely  
You plan on keeping them forever
But sometimes forever ends
To quickly for promises
And all that's left are your words
Sweet or cruel markings
Made on a loved ones mind
Be careful with your promises
You may only keep so many
Any others are forgotten
Try not to contradict yourself
Don't make small things into conflicts
Never promise your heart away
Never swear on a soul
Broken promises lead to broken smiles
And makes one bitter for quite awhile

If you don't question it
How can you believe it?

You try to reach me,
But I'm too far gone
And you're not the only one
To try and save me
To get me out of the rain
But I'm drowning in my pain
And there's nothing you can do
Nothing anyone can say
To make want to come in today
I'm just a drifter
I'm already done
I gave up on chasing the sun
I'm grown up now
And the dreams are gone
The illusions that made me carry on,
I've given up hope
And really, so should you
Because there's nothing you can do
To make me want to stay
I'm not coming in today
Please just let me play
In the soft rain

The soft pitter patter of raindrops
Falling on the pavement
Interrupted by our shouts,
As we play In the puddles.

Splashing each other
Playing keep away
with Christians lighter
Interrupting the peace

Clothes soaked through. Dripping with muddy water
Didn't know I was going to play in the rain today
White tshirt. Red bra. Oops.
These skinnys are going to be hell to get off. Oh well...

Mother won't be happy. I'll probably get in trouble.
But it's worth it. I won't let her ruin it.
I'm going to have some fun today,
Come hell or high water.

You say one thing
And demonstrate another
Most of your actions make no sense
I'm tired of your tyranny
Over my life.

I'm starting a rebellion
Against you, I'm tired of your controlling
****** behavior, yelling
And grounding me for weak reasons
You waking me up at 3 am
To complain and belittle me
Asking me questions that I'm too tired
To even comprehend
And punishing me for
Wrong answers and bad attitudes

You've taken everything from me
Through sleep deprivation and
Lack of free will, lack of privacy
you've taken from me
My sanity my kindness
My little willingness for socialization
My level headed disposition
My thirst for knowledge and reading
My creativity and imagination
You've turned me into...
I think your turning me into you
And starting today, I'm taking myself back

Today is a red day
Dangerous day
My eyes ache to see
A lovely blood red
On your dull white walls
That mauve carpet
Has always bugged me
Let's change it up a little
Red splatter patterns
Would accent it perfectly
And when I'm done I'll get a match
Let's see how your room looks
In a dark ash black

I don't believe in your god.
I know, you think I'll burn in hell.
I believe in my gods though.
That has to count for something

I follow the old traditions.
Many gods, they personify
The natural occurrences
the ancients couldn't explain.

I know you think I'll burn in hell
And I know you think I should be scared.
And I know you want to "save me"
By converting me to your god.

But my ancestors roll in their grave
At the thoughts of me abandoning
The traditions I've learnt from my family
They're your family too, don't you remember?

It's your sister that taught me,
About the myths of our people
About the time when we thrived
And celebrated our life

Instead of constricting it,
to the words of a book.
Instead of giving it so many rules
Instead of having threats and promises of a hell or heaven

But to each their own.
You live how you want
Just let me live,
how i want, too.

Addiction to you
Seems to be a common ailment
I know I'm not the only one
Who is afflicted with you
And I accept this
It is an occupational risk
To be with you
Knowing you have others
And that we're not quite serious
That you're not committed
Even if I want you to be
And it's not your fault
If you hurt me
Because I know what I'm getting into
And have decided to enjoy the risk

The woods are my lover
They never let me down
The wind in my fur
The ground beneath my paws
I had forgotten how it feels
To just run
Dodging trees
Find a river
Run beside it for hours
Stop for a drink
Leave behind human burdens
Leave behind the pain
And grief
And just run

Concrete walls to keep me in check
And make us all conform to your laws
And teach us responsibility
Grinding normality into our skulls
Grinding on my nerves
They never got to heal
Every brush of skin
Makes me feel the walls close in
No music to soothe
To block the noise
Inside or out of my head
180 more days
The expect a 180 degree turn
In my behavior from last year
But all I can do is stare
And dream of the woods

Hello... hello... hello...
Is there anybody in there?
I feel trapped
And unable to nod
To indicate my being
And no, I can't hear you
I'm too
well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again
Too lost
In my mind
To stop my own pain
ill need some information, first
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts?
My mind
And heart
Are being torn away from each-other
And becoming separate entities
With different wants
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
But you may feel a little sick.*
Can't feel worse than now
I'm sick already
And dying inside
Rotting inside my own mind
can you stand up, stand up,
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.
Temporary reliefs
From my cryptic beliefs
On death
And how close I am
Dead enough to be decaying
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Of happiness
And what life could be
A merry me
And cheerful world
In that moment
I saw peace
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
But, I can be content
With temporay relief
*I have become comfortably numb....

Tripping over the lines on the floor
Eyes still red
Throat still sore
After effects of chemical help
Room full of sweet smoke
Chase it down with a drink
Do you need something to mix with?
Nah, just hand me the bottle
Coconut flavor
So warming
Can I see the lighter?
The pipe went out again
Just toss it here, thanks
Pass it around, sharing is caring
Wanna go to the park?
Sure, but, wait
How many of us can walk straight...

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really human.
People talk about me, mistreat me, cause trouble with me.
And I don't react.
I don't show anger or hurt, annoyance or frustration.
I don't start a fight nor will I finish one,
I merely pick up a pen and write about it
I don't resist. but I don't follow. I drift.
I get into my routines and they become my life.
Then they become me.
Then they become someone else,
and I watch that person go through these routines
as if they didn't affect me,
when in reality I am that person I am watching.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am me.

I've erased
Every little trace
Of you
I'm done
Just forget your debt
Forget that you owe me
Forget the words
That I almost said
That died on my lips
Even when I thought
That they were true
I never said that to you
It's a relief to know
That you never cared
And that I'm not hurting you
When I say I've found someone new
And that I love him much more
Than I ever could you

oh.. I'm so sorry
really. i am
i never meant for it to happen
my voice of reason deserted me

i didn't mean for that little kiss
to get so out of hand
i wanted to snuggle
not end up in your bed

you could get in so much trouble
im sitting here listing the charges
if mother ever found out
we would probably both be dead

You're not even here
But yet you invade my every thought
And **** it would be nice
To have a single thought that's not about you
I hate how you've done this,
The longer you're away
The more my thoughts stay
Focused entirely on you
And I need some private time **** it
Some time to think about me
Instead of day dreaming about you
I miss you
I want you here
And I want you for myself
But go ahead,
Take her instead
Don't you know how much it hurts,
To sit here and listen to you about her?
I'll do it anyway,
I'll advise you on her all day
If it means having you close