I can't believe your threatening me
Go ahead you old ******* hit me
I ******* dare you.
I've been looking for a reason
to never come back please
Please give me one
I will be so **** happy.

My life will probably be a lot easier,
When everyone realizes
That there is nothing they can do
To make me want to change,
That I haven't already tried.

Terror clings to my aching bones
Fear and cold seeping into soft tissue
My throat hurts from screaming
My hands are still shaking
As I reach up to turn the lights on
Relax, was all just a dream...
How I wish that were true
It's a nightmare.  A nightmare of a memory
I can still see the scars on my wrists
Faint white lines from the handcuffs
The cold metal digging into my skin
Becoming slick with my blood
His warm hands a contrast
But just as nightmarish
As they hold down my small body
So frail at that age

She has lines of verse on one side of the page
And math notes on the other
Ink stains mark her hands,
Yet she can't talk to another
Written words flow easy
But with a person it's not so breezy
She tends to stumble
And not just with words does she fumble
Lines running in her head
She writes them down before bed
And during lunch
And I have a hunch
They're written during study hall
And during classes, one and all
Poems of hers
And quotes of theirs
Two AM is just another time
She's creating or remembering rhyme
Reciting Poe as she drifts away
That's how she says goodbye to another day

Oh, so you're engaged now?
To him I suppose.
Weddings in two weeks
I guess I'll be there.
Sure I'll wear a dress.
But it will be black.
We have all told you
To do what best for you
And we meant leave him.
I'll wear this same dress
To your funeral

Little girl. Four years old.
Pretty dresses. Dry those tears
Time for pictures
Mommys little doll.
Pretty little doll
Gets attention now
Soak it up while you can
Looks are all that matter
In the "flashing room"
Sit still while I do your hair
Make up too
Don't you dare move

•••

Little girl. Five years old
Get down from that tree
Good girls don't get *****
No, don't play in the mud
**** you
go to your room

•••

Little girl, nine years old
Here's your cell phone,
Mommy won't be home today
Make sure your sister does her homework
And clean up from dinner
I made up bottles for your brother
Don't stay up too late

•••

Little girl, eleven years old
Too pretty for your own good
I'm your moms friend,
Trust me
It won't hurt,
Stay still
Be a good girl
Take those clothes off for me

•••

Little girl, twelve years old
You hold it like this
Now inhale,
Let the smoke fill your lungs
Hold it for a minute
Exhale
Doesn't that feel good?
Here, have a drink

I am a strong girl
And independent individual
Who only need herself,
I can open my own sauce jars
And catch my own spiders
(Yes, catch, I never **** them,
They get rid of the more pesky bugs)
but in the end
Alone at night in my bed
I wrap myself up in layers of blankets
And pretend I'm in a mans arms
The same man that walked away
Just like that, the other day
There was nothing I could say
But it's all going to be okay
Because I am a strong girl
An independent individual

Have you ever been to wonderland?
You tumble down a rabbit hole
Feels like it takes forever to fall
And then you hit the soft ground
There's wonders abound
All waiting to be found
Talking flowers, a friendly door mouse
Would you like some tea?
You can meet a caterpillar
He'll teach you the wonders of mushrooms
Here's a hint, try a nibble
Your head will be up in the clouds
Having a conversation with a mama bird
Who mistakes you for a snake
And you can listen to tales of woo
Of a poor old tortoise
But be careful of the queen!
Oh dear, she's quite mean
Ruling over the ones in her domain
It's wonder how any of them remain
As she frequently calls her executioner
If you're lucky you can travel wonderland for awhile
You might even be able to go peacefully
But if she finds you, be prepared
Because she'll never let you leave
But don't worry my dear, you'll be here with me
We can frolic in the flower gardens
All the while still sipping tea
And we can fall into the mushroom beds
Falling, falling into the mushroom beds
Where I will fall into your arms
And we can be there for a couple hours wondering
Pondering where our clothes have gone

now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord my soul to keep
She kneels quietly on the ground
Precious youth and innocence abound
Sweet, tame, ignorant child
One day soon your thoughts will go wild
You'll start to question your beliefs
And answers won't bring any reliefs
Don't worry little child, don't fret
You're not ready for that quite yet
But eventually you'll see with those eyes
Most of what they tell you is lies
It's a great awakening
When knowledge is there for the taking
Take many lessons from history
As they're the true stories
Learn every last tidbit that you can
But never forget the values taught back then
No matter what path you choose
These values you must never loose
and if I die before I wake
I pray the lord my soul to take

i guess my sub-conscious
had a masochistic moment
because it decided to google your name
I don't know who she was
but I hate her.

She wears black
Traditional mourning colors
So for who does she mourn?
She hasn't lost anyone
Except herself
She mourns lost dreams
She mourns lost hopes
Wishes that never came
Her stolen innocence
She mourns the blood she lost
Flowing red from her wrists
She mourns the breath she can't take
As she hangs from the rope
Her last attempt at learning to cope

Addiction to you
Seems to be a common ailment
I know I'm not the only one
Who is afflicted with you
And I accept this
It is an occupational risk
To be with you
Knowing you have others
And that we're not quite serious
That you're not committed
Even if I want you to be
And it's not your fault
If you hurt me
Because I know what I'm getting into
And have decided to enjoy the risk

You are now entirely mine
Formally shown through
Bite marks and scratches
And when, or before, they fade
I will kindly issue you more
On that previously flawless skin of yours
Sleek, toned muscles, on a thin frame
Warm hands, moving against me
Or tied down with silk ribbons
Entirely mine to command

You see her eyes drooping
Fluttering shut, struggling open
Lack of attention to your class
You ask if she wants kicked out
Her spoken answer was simply
i really don't give a ****
But inside her mind she's thinking
I didn't get to bed till 2 last night
I'm withdrawing from my meds
Because I'm short this month
Due to mother helping herself
I woke up screaming an hour and a half ago
From nightmares you can't even imagine
Nightmares that are memories,
My worst moments relived,
So send me where you wish
I simply can't find a **** to give
I'm not even sure I want to live
I'm tired of the hole I've dug
Falling into it again and again
I've lost the energy needed to climb
Up even the gentlest incline

Music.
Music is poetry
Made to be listened to
Sounds in a lovely pattern
Flowing together to calm my nerves
A soothing rush of happiness
Or calmness,
Any emotion, I can pick a song
I can feel that emotion while it's on
And dearest, it's the best feeling in the world
To be lost in sweet melody
How I crave that hasty retreat
A moment away from harsh reality
Some time spent away from it all
Out of my mind, but in a good way
But in this matter I have no say
I have no music for the day
My ears won't have that coveted sound
Dearest, how I wish we could run away

Promises are fragile things
You say them in that moment
You mean them sincerely  
You plan on keeping them forever
But sometimes forever ends
To quickly for promises
And all that's left are your words
Sweet or cruel markings
Made on a loved ones mind
Be careful with your promises
You may only keep so many
Any others are forgotten
Try not to contradict yourself
Don't make small things into conflicts
Never promise your heart away
Never swear on a soul
Broken promises lead to broken smiles
And makes one bitter for quite awhile

Welcome to my mind
You're getting a sneak peak
A preview, if you will
Of the twisted metal statue
That is my mind
I'm warning you now
I keep music on
To drown my own my thoughts
I try to avoid my own mind
so you probably should too...

I can feel my sanity draining
Leaking from my ears
So I keep headphones in
To try to stop the flow
But it still drains out slowly
With thoughts like
i know he's just using me
But I'll deal with it, because,
Clearly I'm a ******* idiot

Maybe I do love him, who knows?
The *** is amazing though
He doesn't know that,
Even before he tried to say
no strings attached
I was already tangled up
As I have been

How little he knows about his pretty little toy
Not that he needs to know much
It's insanely easy for him to get to me
he doesn't even know you write...
And still manages to know my weakness

I'll do almost anything to get out of my house
Which is how I ended up staying at his anyway
The things I ended up doing
In an attempt to get away from mother
Still swirl around in my mind
Some of them making me blush
Others, making me want more
Even though I said
this will be the last time
I highly doubt it will
But it will be for awhile at least...
Because of that new girl
I'll be waiting for her to pass
His latest conquest
can never be as good as you are

I don't know how to handle love
Or hatred, grief, depression
But ***? I have mastered that
I mastered that long ago
At a way to early age
he doesn't know about that either...
Doesn't know it wasn't willing
Doesn't know the subject of the nightmare
That woke us both up at 3 in the morning
And initiated another round  
Doesn't know the reason I didn't take my turn
In the handcuffs, I just said
it causes panic attacks..
But didn't elaborate past that
Didn't show him the scars
Still on my wrist
From my mothers boyfriends handcuffs
Didn't tell him they've been there
For nearly 7 years
*has it really been that long...?

Do I have a problem with you? No
I have an issue with that
Better-than-thou attitude
that high horse you're sitting on?
It's really just a ******* on stilts
Either get down here on my level
Or pick me up, take me up there
I'll offer a ride as my fare
Nothing I haven't done before, my dear
And nothing you wouldn't do,
If you was stuck down here
I'm a victim of my circumstances
And you're a victor of yours

goons and girls of every age,
Won't you like to see something strange?
Come with us and you will see,
In our town of halloween....*
This is halloween
A day to remember
A single day of every year
That spirits can wander
And not just of the undead, oh no
Living spirits wander all over
Dressed up spectacularly
Vampire, witches and the occasional ghost
Zombies, cats and I've seen a couple wolves
There's a devil and cop, walking together
And oh my, was that Elvis?
Oh dear, I think I'll avoid that pope
Let's walk together
Come on, please?
Never too old to trick or treat
Never too cold, just wear a coat!
What do you care if mr cowboy over there
Thinks you're immature?
What bore you are,
So grown and stiff
What a bore to be
A good kid
Fine! You can stay here
Ill talk to you later
I'm going to have some fun

Another year older,
Should feel special,
Should feel sweet
But instead, it feels like any other day
I wore slightly more comfy clothes
And that's all that marks it
Besides a few close friends
Saying happy birthday to me
The big 18th year of life
Should feel special
Should feel sweet
But instead, it's lost in the monotony
The melancholy of my life
Repetitious routine
The every day pattern of my days
As they drag on, ever so slowly
Losing me in the monotonous melancholy
Should be special
Should be sweet
But instead, it's just me

Does he really think I care?
Or maybe he thinks I'm not aware
Grades slipping third week in
Nerves fraying under my skin
Physical contact feels like pins
Prescribed drugs barely numbing
Not-so-legal ones halfway curing
Mental issues, no equations
No simply solving personal problems
This isn't your little mathematical world
This is my burdens, not yours
Don't try to solve them
I'll work on resolving them
Hopefully dissolving them

Hello... hello... hello...
Is there anybody in there?
I feel trapped
And unable to nod
To indicate my being
And no, I can't hear you
I'm too
well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again
Too lost
In my mind
To stop my own pain
ill need some information, first
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts?
My mind
And heart
Are being torn away from each-other
And becoming separate entities
With different wants
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
But you may feel a little sick.*
Can't feel worse than now
I'm sick already
And dying inside
Rotting inside my own mind
can you stand up, stand up,
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.
Temporary reliefs
From my cryptic beliefs
On death
And how close I am
Dead enough to be decaying
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Of happiness
And what life could be
A merry me
And cheerful world
In that moment
I saw peace
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
But, I can be content
With temporay relief
*I have become comfortably numb....

I can't help but imagine
Tracing those perfect lips
With my fingertips
Softly down your sides to your hips
My arms around your waist
I wonder how you taste
my minds in this odd place
Between wanting to make you my own
And knowing I should slow down

I don't want a kiss.
Just a hug, please
I just want to be held
I need comfort
Can you do that for me?
Could you please?
And I promise, if you do this
Next time, you can have your way

I don't believe in your god.
I know, you think I'll burn in hell.
I believe in my gods though.
That has to count for something

I follow the old traditions.
Many gods, they personify
The natural occurrences
the ancients couldn't explain.

I know you think I'll burn in hell
And I know you think I should be scared.
And I know you want to "save me"
By converting me to your god.

But my ancestors roll in their grave
At the thoughts of me abandoning
The traditions I've learnt from my family
They're your family too, don't you remember?

It's your sister that taught me,
About the myths of our people
About the time when we thrived
And celebrated our life

Instead of constricting it,
to the words of a book.
Instead of giving it so many rules
Instead of having threats and promises of a hell or heaven

But to each their own.
You live how you want
Just let me live,
how i want, too.

Where do dreams come from?
Our mind, our environment
Products of wishful thinking
Mourning what we may never have
Ever-wishing for our desires
In the women's heart
The young mans mind
Ever-changing, ever-reaching
New dreams coming
Old ones leaving
Where do the dreams go?

Anxiously awaiting
Hands practically shaking
For that simple notification of
"you have a new message"
And Im checking again
Even though I know nothing's there
Still hasn't responded, yet
It was a simple, harmless question
And yet, so very important

I may be a daemon,
But, you're no angel sweetheart

Call me what you want darling,
Just remember who you are

We're not so different, you and me
No, not so different at all, you see

We have many the same flaws,
Only difference is, I don't hide mine

I don't cover my flaws with
Expensive name brand products,

I don't hide behind all that
Thick, caked on make-up

I don't have those nice Gucci wings
And I sold my lovely gold halo

For another meal, another night.
And one more trip along the way

It's easy to look like an angel
When you have the money for your worldly pleasures

It's easy to look like an angel
When you never have to do any work

I think I have
Officially lost my mind
But I'm not quite sure, yet.
I spent quite a bit of time
Discussing with myself
And it is inconclusive
Sophia says I have
But Isabella says I have not
And I'm listening to them debate
Me and the others cannot wait
To get a definitive answerr
Ethan occasionally chimes in
He can't stand to be left out
Riley and Richard lurk in a corner
With some popcorn
And Annabelle is off in her own little world
She doesn't much care either way.
She's watching the unicorns and the fey
That are produced by the drug haze

I just don't subscribe to your logic
Unless it makes sense to me, too
I'm not going to do what you say
Unless you provide a valid reason
It's not that I want to disobey
It's that I was never given a reason to obey
I have no incentive to listen to you
Nothing to make me think you're right
I'm not a fan of wasting my time
Which you seem to love to do
Which makes sense because it's my time,
Not your own that you're wasting away
I want to get out of this hamster wheel
But you're busy super gluing my feet to the spokes
Not only trapping me here,
But impairing my efficiency too

She was a concrete angel
In a darkened valley
And he, was the freezing rain
Seeping into her smallest pores
Before freezing, expanding
Breaking her at the seems
Bits of stone, falling away
Shattering at her feet,
Rolling deeper into the valley
She watched them fall,
Saddened by their decent
Continuously eroded away
As he poured over her  
Never ceasing, never warming
She shrinks into her stone tomb
Encased in the safety of her angel shell
Away from the freezing cold
His constant pitter patter
Raindrops echoing around her
Slowly, slowly, it becomes comforting
Slowly, slowly, he begins to feel her warmth
Slowly, slowly, the stone chips away
Slowly, slowly, they are exposed to eachother
For the first time, she sees the sunlight
Beyond her stone tomb
But he? he never warmed
And she? She was still left out in the cold
Remembering the safety of her concrete shell
And the constant sound of the pitter patter
From before, when she thought he would warm

I thought maybe
For a minute there
After I mentioned that I was now
-after all this time-
Finally eighteen
-which means finally legal-
I think you might've considered
Might've thought about us
About the possibility
And I wanted to tell then you then
-I've always loved you-
But I just nodded
And chuckled a little
And then you just smiled
And mentioned that -now-
Your parents would let me
Stay at your house

I guess it's genetics
That makes me love the feel smoke
The burn of alcohol down my throat
It's a family business after all
Papa grows and daddy sells
How easy it is to ask for some
They'll share it with me lovingly
Whatever it is that I may need
Easy access to my vice
They never even think twice
Just hand it over with a smile
Tell me to be back home in awhile
Or, text them to let them know
Where I'm staying at that night
They don't ever tell me no,
They never say you can't stay there
And if perhaps my mother calls?
I'm in the bath or out for a walk
I might even be asleep
Safely tucked into my bed.

I've had some trouble composing my thoughts of late
I'm finding it hard to find words to relate
To how I'm feeling deep inside
My hectic jumbled heart and mind

I've never had this problem before
I've never had issues telling about the inner gore
Of my chaotic inner world
Or finding words to rhyme

I think I'm letting him distract me
Way too much I'm letting him in
And I know how pointless pursuing him is
He'll never accept that kind of love from me

His broken little-sister type girl
He's never showed me anything
besides Innocent love and sympathy
I don't know why my mind insists on thinking of him so

He's old enough to be my dad...
I really must stop this, I'm losing my thoughts
****** mind, shut the hell up
I shouldn't love him, let's keep it at that

who needs sleep?
i can stay up all night i guess
not like i actually wanted to sleep
or have a peaceful night
without you running through my head
in a tireless loop of
"i love you"
and
"i dont think i can do this anymore"
i mean, sleep is overated anyway.
id rather stay up all night and
do things completely unrelated
to how you betrayed me
in an failed attemp to forget those words
"i never want to see you hurt"
and
"i will always be yours"
i can sleep tomorrow.
when im so exhausted that
i cant think of you at all.

I've made it 4 hours without my iPod
And I'm proud of myself
I haven't spilled blood yet
But you're pushing it darling
Without Metallica to calm me down
Your words take on a new sound
I have no Marylyn Manson right now
So you might want to ******* or bow
I might just break something
On you maybe, or myself
I'm not a violent person see?
So my angers turned inward on me
And the blade becomes my friend again
This dreadful off and on relationship
Drawing me in and spitting me out
And I honestly hate everything about
Everything that the blade touches
Evry thing it represents
But I just can't help it
It's already under my skin
Already a part of me
As I make a new line,
I tell myself just this last time
But we both know,
This blade and me,
We both know
I can't help myself

Distance makes the heart grow fonder
I used to think, no way was that true
But now I see the wisdom in the words
Because while you were here,
You invaded a few of my thoughts
But now that you're gone
I can't think of a ******* thing but you
And all the feelings I've been through
And I'm pinning all the blame on you
Even though I know, I'm at fault too
It's odd how with all the **** going on now,
How my mind finds moments to dwell on you
There's more important things I need to do
I'm about to be royally *******
And life isn't a big fan of ****
But all I have on my mind
Is a mantra of your name
And flashing images of us
And one little word I swore I'd never say
One feeling I wanted to stay away
That I'm afraid I'll feel for the rest of my days

Lost in my personal hell
The depths of my mind
Deeply ingrained memories
But I can't seem to find
The ones that I want
The ones with smiles
And laughing
And your touch,
Warm hands on my skin
And yes I am ticklish,
Extremely so, and everywhere
Are you?
I'll find out, eventually
Snippets of us run through my mind
But it's mostly of other times
When you wasn't there
And all I felt was fear
And anger and hatred
You're one of the few,
The few I could love
But, you don't want me to fall quite yet
Why not?

I can feel the emotions rolling off you
You hate me, you want to break me
Go ahead and try little one
See how that would end up
Oh, sure, you'd win this time
Not much of a challenge am I?
But you see, I have friends
And they won't take too kindly to you
I'm pacifist my dear
I don't condone and won't take part
In this violence I'm feeling from you
But I have no control over what they do
I'd much rather settle this like adults
I wish we could sit down and talk
But you won't listen to a word I have to say
And that's ok, your choice to make
But I'll be ****** if I settle this your way

Today is a red day
Dangerous day
My eyes ache to see
A lovely blood red
On your dull white walls
That mauve carpet
Has always bugged me
Let's change it up a little
Red splatter patterns
Would accent it perfectly
And when I'm done I'll get a match
Let's see how your room looks
In a dark ash black

The incessant clock ticking
Is driving me out of my mind
Waiting for that bell to chime
Counting the seconds until 9:39
Knowing it's just one part of the day
A little section of time put away
Wondering why the **** I bothered to get up
Why my breathing refuses to stop
And why, ******* it, does my heart still beat?
It's annoying really, the constant thump-thump
Of blood being pushed through my worthless body
I wish it would all just stop
I'm over this whole living thing
Getting up at 6:30 just to waste away
These long as ****, pointless days
I close my eyes for just a second
Trying to rest my overworked mind
And there's another ******* minion
So called authority figure
Tapping at my ******* shoulder
Won't let me ******* be
They're too blind to see
That I'm already dying.
And starting to rot away

I cower in fetal position
As angry words are thrown
Not at me,
But hurting all the same
I close my eyes
But I can still see
My safe haven
My stable foundation
Is crumbling
Because of things
That may or not have
Even happened
Just suspicions
The slightest little hints
Taken as proof
Of infidelity

I slip on my shoes
Tiptoe around them
I leave, they don't even see
I walk thro the yard and
Grasp the branches of my favorite tree
And climb up until
All I can see is the beautiful landscape
And all I hear is birdsongs  
And then the tears come
Ever so quietly

Silent tears flow
Hush little child,
Don't make a sound
Don't show this weakness
With sobs,
Don't let others know
Just quietly cry on your lonesome
Stay in your room,
Don't let mother know
You're in this all alone
Because you can't trust others
Can't let the cracks show
Weak child, you need help
You can't carry this on your own
Yet you still stubbornly trudge on
All alone,
Refusing to let your pain show

5 more hours till I can go home
And count the hours till I can go to bed
Wasting my time on meaningless tasks
To get through with yet another day
And repeat it all tomorrow
Just another weekday that I'm counting away
To get to that all too short break
Two days of healing evry other weekend
To keep me from breaking completely
Building up a thin wall in my mind
To try and keep them all out
And myself all in

Say what you will, I'll get a chuckle
Call me a *****,
What a bore
Seriously can't come up with anything better?
Tell me something I don't know, please
I prefer rumors about me that I've never heard
Get inventive! Have some fun!
Cause All can think when you call me a ***** is
Ya I know, it's amazing really
Quite fun, you should try it!
Please, don't be so silly
I'm only a ***** occasionally
With certain people
Two or three. No wait four.
Honestly, you should try it
Maybe then you wouldn't be so ******
Don't be so judgmental honey,
I'm a *****, you're a *****
Hey, to each their own
The only difference between me and you
Is I don't fake relationships
He's not my boyfriend,
That's kinda the point,
But there's nothing I've done that you don't do
Just a different title for the man were with
That's all it is, sweetie pie,
A matter of names
And I have no concern
For what you seem to think I am

ick. its almost that day again.
the day I have to put a fake smile on my face
and say to you cheerfully
"mommy, I love you"

we both know I'm lying
I don't see why we pretend
It wont be a good day no matter what
you called today just to *****

plus, its my sisters birthday
what a mess
I have to deal with little kids
and her preppy bubbly behavior

I think im just gonna sleep tomorrow.
just sleep all day.
ill get in trouble for it, I know.
im supposed to be home early

but I don't care anyway.

I wish I had a family.
But instead I have relatives
Blood relatives
That I want to stay relatively far away from
Our clashing results in crashing
Yelling screaming madness
Angry words and bitter thoughts
Hatred boils beneath our
Loving, warm smiles
You can barely feel it sometimes
The tension in the room
And other times that tension
Is thicker than the air
None of us really care
None of us really want to be here
Trapped in this house together
We pretend we're not there
We pretend were anywhere
But where we are at the moment

The first stage of grief is denial.
I don't know the others well
I never seem to get past that first one.
I tell myself that I don't care
I deny my own feelings
And never seem to get past that
"I don't mourn a stranger,
It doesn't bother me
I never knew him"

Tripping over the lines on the floor
Eyes still red
Throat still sore
After effects of chemical help
Room full of sweet smoke
Chase it down with a drink
Do you need something to mix with?
Nah, just hand me the bottle
Coconut flavor
So warming
Can I see the lighter?
The pipe went out again
Just toss it here, thanks
Pass it around, sharing is caring
Wanna go to the park?
Sure, but, wait
How many of us can walk straight...

You're not even here
But yet you invade my every thought
And **** it would be nice
To have a single thought that's not about you
I hate how you've done this,
The longer you're away
The more my thoughts stay
Focused entirely on you
And I need some private time **** it
Some time to think about me
Instead of day dreaming about you
I miss you
I want you here
And I want you for myself
But go ahead,
Take her instead
Don't you know how much it hurts,
To sit here and listen to you about her?
I'll do it anyway,
I'll advise you on her all day
If it means having you close