When someone asks me, "how are you?"
I think, I'm broken
But still alive,
Even if I don't want to be.
And my heart is gone
Locked away in a steel case
And my mind is far away
Kept complacent by the drug haze
And my body hurts
From the bruises she leaves
And the cuts I inflict
I think all this,
But I just smile and say,
"I'm fine, and how are you?"

You've broken me
Are you happy now?
Made me want to die
As I sit here and cry
All because of you
Pushing me around like you do
I honestly want to **** you
See your blood flow red
Because of the stuff you said
How ******* dare you
Telling me that it was my fault
That your boyfriend used me
And that you abuse me
How dare you
Say half the things you say
I will hate you till the very day
That I decide I'm done with this life

You can lie to yourself all you want
You can lie me too, but
It doesn't change the truth
And mommy dear, I know it,
I know what you do,
I know you don't have any control
No you don't, not anymore

You can lie to yourself all you want
But it doesn't change a thing
And mother dearest?
It does affect me
When your so high that
You can't keep your eyes open
And your wits about you
Long enough for me to ask a question

You can lie to yourself all you want
In the end it's all the same
You lost control,
You've lost the battle
With your false savior
You've left me here
Playing mommy dear with my siblings
While your off with a man named john

You can lie to yourself all you want
It's your choice to make,
Just realize, it does affect me
It does affect our struggling relationship
And the more you deny it
The more you ignore it
The worse it's going to get

You can lie to yourself all you want
But someday you'll realize it has never helped
You're going to have to face the truth
And the longer you put it off,
The longer you keep falling
The harder you're going to hit
When you get to rock bottom.

I feel like I'm standing on deaths door
And His icy hands are griping
Me around my ribs I can't breathe
I'm waiting for Him to claim me
Or anyone here we're all subject to His will

Death is finicky
He claims randomly
And I'm in His terrain
A place where He claims
And counts the newborns
His eventual victims

He is here I can feel Him
As my knees go weak
And my vision fades
I grit my teeth
and try to stay in the game
Because I'm not His, not today.

I've always loved color symbology
The silver of the sharpest blade
Is fluid, emotional, sensitive, mysterious.
Is soothing, calming, purifying. Silver
helps with the cleansing and releasing,
mental, emotional issues and blockages
My pink tinged, pale skin
Is a sign of hope. It is positive, warm
comforting feelings, everything will be okay.
Suddenly violated by a shock of red, which
can give confidence to those
who are shy or lacking in will power.
the color red symbolizes and awakens
our elusive, physical life force.
And after all is said and done
All is wrapped in white clothe bandages
purity, innocence, wholeness and completion.
white is the color of new beginnings,
wiping the slate clean,
It is the blank canvas waiting to be written upon.

Go ahead. Talk about me
Say whatever you want
Tell everyone what you know
I really don't care
And neither do they
And neither does he
It's hard to start rumors,
Hard to spread gossip,
About someone that doesn't give a ****
About what other people say
Oh and by the way,
Next time you should knock

I have finally accepted
I will never find a person that says
"I love you more" first
And then says
"Oh, thank god. Me either"
When I laugh and say that
I don't play that game.

Will never find that person who
Writes me poems but yet
Is not a hopeless romantic

Who shows me love without
Smothering me in it

Who I can debate with, without
Arguing or hurt feelings

I will never find that person
Who is exactly
Like
You

I'm tired of your *******.
I do not abuse you,
And even tho you don't seem to remember it
I have the bruises to prove that you hit me
I'm tired of you threatening me
By doing stupid **** like calling the cops on me
And driving me to the "youth opportunity center"
If your going to get rid of me then do it.
Because they won't take me
They don't have the room,
They will send me to live with a family member
Like granny or aunt Chris
And I'm ok with that.
So shut the **** up and leave me alone
Put whatever your about to throw at me down
If your that intent on throwing me out
Give me some time to pack
And I will be gone
I'm not looking back.

I almost said I love you
It's true, no wait, don't leave!
I'm sorry. I didn't say it,
I don't love you
Just stay here for awhile longer?
Please, I need you
Of course I'm not attached
i just love you a little is all
No, I'm not going to wait for you
*i would wait till the end of time if you asked

My mind is a prison cell
And I can't find the key
A little quiet cell
With frantic writing on the walls
The ink so thick that
It helps support the crumbling walls
I'm waiting for the implosion
These walls and ceilings
Tumbling down on me
Will it crush me to death,
Or finally set me free?

Is it possible?
Is it possible for us to just get along
No yelling screaming hitting kicking
No stupid ******* things you say
Dragging up the past and
Coming up with ways to blame me
Telling me I'm at fault for everything
Explaining away your responsibility
You use drugs because
I stress you out
Sorry, but I'm sick of raising your kids
While you're passed out
I want a life,
I want to be able to go out
With friends, maybe even a boyfriend
Is that too much to ask?
I didn't have these kids, they're not my responsibility
But I'm still responsible for them
And their church meets, cub scouts
Girl Scouts, ball practice,
I drag you out of bed for Dr appointments
Because they need your signature
I cook meals and take them to their friends house
All the things you weren't there
To do with me.
And I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of doing everything just to have you there
Telling me it's not enough
And punishing me
I'm dying slowly
Can't you see?
No, I guess not
I hide myself from you
I shelter my self from you,
From the one who's supposed to protect me

The world doesn't revolve around you,
And neither will I
I have a chance here
And I'm taking it
Moving into the world
Making my own way
Starting today
As I fill out a form for a small apartment
I think of what I'll be losing
But also, what I'm getting
I think it's a fair trade
And I can't wait

I'm going to forget about the things I have to do
And I'm gonna sit here and think, about you.
How you held me and how we loved
All the words that passed our lips.
And that time you traced the scars on my arms
You made me promise, never again.

I'm not going to think about how you left, or why
You were my everything, my love, my sky
And no matter how hard I try, the many people I find
All the ones I rotate through my life,
All the meaningless love I find
All the people, they act like ants, carrying away bits of me

I can't forget you. I try. I fake love, and I lie
Trying to fill the hole you made, trying to get by
I still haven't broke my promise, not yet,
Tho I almost have, many a times.
I've not left many scars, just faint lines
They don't bleed. Well, not most of the time.

But you broke your promises, you know.
You said forever, you promised so.
Why should I listen to you anymore?
Why should I let you hurt me more?
Why should I keep my promises to you?
I shouldn't. And wish I wouldn't.

But I do, forever more

Wandering the catacombs of my mind
With only a bit of red-tinged light
Unlit candle and flint in shaky hands
Dreading what I could see if it was bright

Dreading the monsters and bones I would find
The awful things that would be in sight
The skeletons of all my memories
The things that would paralyze me with fright

This fear is embedded deep in my mind
The fear of re-living life in full light
It's a miserable existence at best
To be afraid of my own inner light

My body is tired, this maze is not kind
There's places I could fall, from a great height
Clumsy feet, eyes drooping from lack of sleep
Nothing's more relaxing than red-tinged light

I can feel them waiting, the spirit-kind
Waiting to see if I deny the light
Or if I accept the pain it would bring
Do I choose to die, or live in fright?

I'm not going to write about you
NO this poem isn't for you
It's about me.
It's about how I feel
Empty like a seashell
Still pretty on the outside
And if you listen close enough
Put me right up to your ear
You can hear the tides
Of all my lost dreams and
Forgotten hopes
You can hear the sighing
Of all my memories
All the things,
Not just me and you but
Me and him too
All the ones that have came and went
All the ones that have spent
My time and energy
On their own pleasure
In trade for a simple
Display of love and care

I am a broken marionette
****** about on strings
No control over what happens to me
Because I'm just a child
Who's supposed to believe
The adults know what's best for me
As they shove diagnoses in my face
And pills down my throat.
After all, I'm just a kid
And you're all grown-ups
You don't have to listen to me when I say
That I don't want these pills.
That they make me feel even more dead inside
You threaten me with things like
Mental asylums and hospitals
The "youth opportunity center"
When you find them in the trash,
Or down the sink drain,
After all, I'm just a child
How could I know what's best for me?

Here is my theological thoughts, questions, of the day,
For those dedicated Catholic, Christian friends of mine
Why does the bible condone slavery,
Allows so called holy wars,
But not freedom of sexuality?

What logical thought process is that?
You can ****, enslave hundreds,
for disagreeing with you, or having different skin,
But you can't love someone,
That's the same gender as you?

I want to know, please chime in
At what point did free love,
Become worse then ******, my friends?
This is a small selection of the questions
That kept me from my sleeping tonight.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really human.
People talk about me, mistreat me, cause trouble with me.
And I don't react.
I don't show anger or hurt, annoyance or frustration.
I don't start a fight nor will I finish one,
I merely pick up a pen and write about it
I don't resist. but I don't follow. I drift.
I get into my routines and they become my life.
Then they become me.
Then they become someone else,
and I watch that person go through these routines
as if they didn't affect me,
when in reality I am that person I am watching.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am me.

You can't tell me life is not a game
When your main objective is to collect coins
And do activities to say we've done them
And compare scores

You can't tell me life is not a game
When I've already put chips in
And have weighed my bets
And am calculating my risks

Life is a game
But it's a difficult one
It's an important game
Because this game is your life.
And it governs how you live.
There are no rules
There are no definite goals
Except to enjoy it
And don't die.

You try to reach me,
But I'm too far gone
And you're not the only one
To try and save me
To get me out of the rain
But I'm drowning in my pain
And there's nothing you can do
Nothing anyone can say
To make want to come in today
I'm just a drifter
I'm already done
I gave up on chasing the sun
I'm grown up now
And the dreams are gone
The illusions that made me carry on,
I've given up hope
And really, so should you
Because there's nothing you can do
To make me want to stay
I'm not coming in today
Please just let me play
In the soft rain

you are still the one i love.
it has been forever since i could tell you
i havent seen you, or heard from you
i thought you said still friends?

but you are not here.
even though im still waiting for you
what the hell should i do?
ive tried to just shut off these ideas

but im still sitting here.
lost in thoughts you
that perfect hair i want my fingers through
and those lips, ill never forget

theyve probably found some other girls mouth
i wonder if she loves you like i do
if she loves your hair too
i wonder if she will be able to move on.

or will she be stuck too?

Growing up?
What is that?
It sounds positively dreadful.
Putting on the mask of a grown up.

No thank you.
To grow up is to grow old, So I think I'll pass.
I'll stay young forever,
at least in my private time...

Forget this staying inside all day
Afraid of the rain because you might catch a cold
Won't get up in a tree cuz you might fall.
You can stay in your safe little grown up world. But me?

I'm gonna go play in some puddles.
I'm going too see who can climb the highest.
Sure I'll mature a little as time goes on. I'll become responsible
But I will never, ever grow up to where I can't enjoy the rain.

I just want to sleep
One full night of rest
Maybe just one more pill...
Maybe just a couple more...

But the nightmares still come
And they still wake me up
Maybe just a few more...
Maybe then I'll be able to rest

I wake up in the morning
Still tired as could be
So I'll have some caffeine
That will keep me awake

And then throughout the day
I drink more and more
Still groggy still tired
But conscious at least...

I take stuff to help me sleep
And then some more to keep me up
And some throughout the day to help me eat
Not to mention the ones actually prescribed

For depression
Multiple personality disorder
Attention deficit disorder
They all have more pills I'm supposed to take

And I can't help but remember
I used to just self medicate
And my grades were good I was a healthy active kid
And I didn't take hardly anything at all

But now there's all this stuff
My doctors like to give
They don't listen when I say
This stuff is killing me

Isolation
No school
No internet
No friends and limited family
No contact with the outside world.

No one for me to tell.
No one to help me
No one to see
The bruises on me

And knowing this
Mother is not as hesitant
To leave new patterns
Of black and blue
And shades of green.

It takes effort to write anymore
About anything other than you
And to be quite honest dear,
I ******* hate it.

I hate not being able to have thoughts
That don't center on you
I feel like I'm losing myself
Abandoning myself to you
You infiltrated my body first
And now my mind
Next is my heart,
If you can get past those walls
And the worst part is?
You don't even know it
You have gotten to me with little effort
You want nothing more than my body
And friendship, companionship
When you're in town

You say you like the feel
Of my nails digging into your skin
Leaving trails of red
And I know I like the feeling
Of your hands holding me
Leaving their blue marks
We cling to eachother tightly
Here, in your bedroom
And have the perfect friendship
Of insult based humor
And yet I'm still afraid to tell you
That I think I'm falling for you
We fit together so easily
But I'm afraid to hold on
Because I already know me
And I know I won't let go
Not until it bleeds
And the red startles me

i think I love him
oh god, not again
why? hes nice and so swee..
because, you idiot, hes to far out of bounds
no hes not, im sure hed be willing
he shouldn't be, don't you understand anything!?
but im sure he...
no, if you loved him, youd not touch him
but hes just so lov..
don't even say the word, I cant believe you sometimes
cant you settle for that one stolen half kiss?
why should I? I don't see why we cant have
what we need
you don't need him, its lust, just like before
don't you see, hes broken just like we..
that doesn't mean he can fix us!
but two halves make a whole
cant you see? hed be good for us
he cares already, I know he..
don't be pretentious,
how long have know him?
well, times not really important,
our feelings...
*if ive told you once
ive told you a million times
your job is to pump blood
and that is
it!!

I play my emotions down to you
And tell you that I'm fine
I tell myself I don't need you
That I'm ok with being friends
But in truth it is quiet clear
The fact I'm writing for you, dear
Is proof that I do care
But I'll never let you know
I'll never let it show
Because I don't want to let you in
No, not quite yet

i wish I could show you
the pictures I took today
on my first hike of spring

they are pretty spring flowers
so fragrant in bloom
lilacs and wildflowers

they tell me, in sweet whispers,
"spring is really, truly, here"
and I feel my winter blues, disappear

I cant say that this heals me
or fills me with joy
but it gives a small tint, of hope

as I watch the birds flitter
from branch to branch
I let my imagination soar.

I climb up to the tippy top of a tree.
and wait. after all is still,
nature resumes.

and I watch. and it gives me
hope.
and faith.

that life will go on.
even when I don't really want it too.

Do you love me?
I know you love my body
And I know you love what I can do to you
But do you love me?

God I used to love you so much
You have no clue baby doll
But now? I don't even know
You just have me confused

We've been together forever
I don't even remember since when
But baby I remember you had me from go
You were my everything you know

But I think we're fading out
And I hate it I wish it wasn't happening
But that doesn't stop it.
It doesn't heal us

Don't get me wrong
I'll keep holding on
Just like I always have
Until you let go

Baby that'll **** me inside
But you already know that
Baby doll you have my heart
In your hands please baby

Before you let go, please
Put it back where it belongs

what happened to my little girl?
With piggytails, and sweet dreams?*

Why ever are you asking me?
I'm clearly not her
I'm much older and wiser then she
I lost the innocence needed for piggytails
And I scream at night
repeatedly violated in my dreams
Too many memories in my damaged self
To even imitate the young, innocent me
Damaged by you, and him, and even myself
Razor blades and ropes and that lovely smoke
Burning the sweet innocence out of me
If you find her though, can you give her a message?
Tell her to stay the hell away from me
Innocence now would only turn to guilt

My alarm clock screams at me to get up
I hit snooze
My first choice of the day I choose
To procrastinate

I don't want to get up
I've barely slept
A mere three hours of rest
I'm tired

I don't want to go to school.
That place is hell
I'm teased relentlessly
For things I can't control

I don't want to leave early
To go see the shrink,
And get more unwanted meds prescribed  
And those annoying lectures, about how my choices affect me

But at the end of the day,
There's a silver lining.
At least it's Friday,
And I don't have to go home.

I hold the blade close to my skin
My demons whisper in my ear why not
My angle loudly protests,
you can't she says
you have people that love you
You can't disappoint them
My demons whisper, its your choice
you shouldn't. It's not right.
To harm yourself, remember, harm none?
The demons whisper back, but self harm,
Harms no other. You only hurt yourself
it hurts the ones you love
where are the ones you love
When you need them?
They are not here.
You only have the blade
I finally break, I sink the blade deep
I am filled with remorse
Instant regret
But I knew it would happen, eventually
For you see, my demons,
Are numerous enough,
That all of them whispering,
Is still louder, then my single angel screaming.
And their temptation
Is sweet enough, to make me forget,
That the angel knows best.

My nails dig into my skin
As you tell me about how done you are
You say you're done doing everything for us,
Of going above and beyond.

I press harder into my skin,
As you tell me your don being nice
And that you no longer care.

I can feel my skin tear,
As I blinks away tears
That you never even see,
I block your voice from my ears.

A you drone on,
With your hateful words,
I simply stand and stare,
Into the distance, somewhere, not here.

I dimly hear muffled phrases
i hate having children...
Disrespectful little brats...
Stupid things can't do anything right...

As I feel my blood begin to flow,
I turn around and walk away,
Not even saying a word, not turning to see what you threw at me
I quietly shut your door, and walk away.

I stumble to my room,
Tears blurring my view
I lock myself in here,
Safely tucked away.

Authority figures will be the end of me.
They seem to think they can control me.
I can't even control myself,
Why do they think they can do it for me?

I wonder if they realize that it's their constant pressure
That's making me uncontrollable.
The stress of it makes me not able to function,
And it makes me crack into pieces,

These pieces fall uncontrollably
While I'm trying to pick them up
I frantically grab for them,
Moving too quickly, making more fall

And I have them always pushing me,
Never ending they poke and ****
And try to make me move quicker,
Not caring if they fall.

I carefully try to balance the pieces of me,
As I try to accomplish what they want done,
I scurry around trying to find what they want found
As pieces slip through my fingers,
I can't stop to pick them up

And realizing my endless task,
The impossibility of ever collecting them all
Or getting all these meaningless tasks done,
I give up. I sit down, and clutch what I've still got,
And try to stay as still as possible,  
In hopes that if I stay still enough, no more will fall.