Is it possible?
Is it possible for us to just get along
No yelling screaming hitting kicking
No stupid ******* things you say
Dragging up the past and
Coming up with ways to blame me
Telling me I'm at fault for everything
Explaining away your responsibility
You use drugs because
I stress you out
Sorry, but I'm sick of raising your kids
While you're passed out
I want a life,
I want to be able to go out
With friends, maybe even a boyfriend
Is that too much to ask?
I didn't have these kids, they're not my responsibility
But I'm still responsible for them
And their church meets, cub scouts
Girl Scouts, ball practice,
I drag you out of bed for Dr appointments
Because they need your signature
I cook meals and take them to their friends house
All the things you weren't there
To do with me.
And I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of doing everything just to have you there
Telling me it's not enough
And punishing me
I'm dying slowly
Can't you see?
No, I guess not
I hide myself from you
I shelter my self from you,
From the one who's supposed to protect me

Twisted spirits
Mangled corpses
Cities of cemeteries
Limping, walking
Darting about
Power filled or
Completely burned out
This is the realm of the otherworld
This is where you want me to travel
This is where you want to go
Because you want to see it for yourself
But I've been here before
I know what it's like
Sure there's attractions
There's some nice places too
But you want to wander in the dark
Looking for a solution
To someone else's mistake
And you need me to help
You want to tap into my power
I've earned this,
I've put the work in
I've taken the risks
To gain my energy
You're asking me to call debts in
To ensure the safety of our group
Of our coven
Our circle
I know you'll do it anyway,
With or without me
I guess I'll be your safe guard

I'm not going to write about you
NO this poem isn't for you
It's about me.
It's about how I feel
Empty like a seashell
Still pretty on the outside
And if you listen close enough
Put me right up to your ear
You can hear the tides
Of all my lost dreams and
Forgotten hopes
You can hear the sighing
Of all my memories
All the things,
Not just me and you but
Me and him too
All the ones that have came and went
All the ones that have spent
My time and energy
On their own pleasure
In trade for a simple
Display of love and care

We are engulfed in a flame of passion within moments
We burn up each others energy
We tire eachother out then
Rest in each others arms until
We are engulfed in a flame of passion
over and over, time and time again
I let my inner fire out
Let it burn us both up while
We are engulfed in a flame of passion
And you let yourself be you
Tell me what you like, no matter what it is
You can let your darker desires out while
We are engulfed in a flame of passion
Like a Phoenix, always burning up
And dying out
Before the unavoidable moment when
We are engulfed in a flame of passion

The woods are my lover
They never let me down
The wind in my fur
The ground beneath my paws
I had forgotten how it feels
To just run
Dodging trees
Find a river
Run beside it for hours
Stop for a drink
Leave behind human burdens
Leave behind the pain
And grief
And just run

Welcome to my mind
You're getting a sneak peak
A preview, if you will
Of the twisted metal statue
That is my mind
I'm warning you now
I keep music on
To drown my own my thoughts
I try to avoid my own mind
so you probably should too...

I can feel my sanity draining
Leaking from my ears
So I keep headphones in
To try to stop the flow
But it still drains out slowly
With thoughts like
i know he's just using me
But I'll deal with it, because,
Clearly I'm a ******* idiot

Maybe I do love him, who knows?
The *** is amazing though
He doesn't know that,
Even before he tried to say
no strings attached
I was already tangled up
As I have been

How little he knows about his pretty little toy
Not that he needs to know much
It's insanely easy for him to get to me
he doesn't even know you write...
And still manages to know my weakness

I'll do almost anything to get out of my house
Which is how I ended up staying at his anyway
The things I ended up doing
In an attempt to get away from mother
Still swirl around in my mind
Some of them making me blush
Others, making me want more
Even though I said
this will be the last time
I highly doubt it will
But it will be for awhile at least...
Because of that new girl
I'll be waiting for her to pass
His latest conquest
can never be as good as you are

I don't know how to handle love
Or hatred, grief, depression
But ***? I have mastered that
I mastered that long ago
At a way to early age
he doesn't know about that either...
Doesn't know it wasn't willing
Doesn't know the subject of the nightmare
That woke us both up at 3 in the morning
And initiated another round  
Doesn't know the reason I didn't take my turn
In the handcuffs, I just said
it causes panic attacks..
But didn't elaborate past that
Didn't show him the scars
Still on my wrist
From my mothers boyfriends handcuffs
Didn't tell him they've been there
For nearly 7 years
*has it really been that long...?

The first stage of grief is denial.
I don't know the others well
I never seem to get past that first one.
I tell myself that I don't care
I deny my own feelings
And never seem to get past that
"I don't mourn a stranger,
It doesn't bother me
I never knew him"

13 messages
13 people that have seen it necessary to remind me
As if I didn't know today was the day
As if I didn't didn't pick up this date the last 17 years
The last 17 years of their mourning
For a man I never met
For a man that decided he was done
One month and five days before my first birthday
He ran away
And he's gone.
Blood means nothing,
I never knew him by daddy
I don't mourn a stranger,
So please stop reminding me

You don't listen to Floyd
So you wouldn't understand that
Wish you was here being our song
Is not really a good thing
But it describes us perfectly
I know, I've listened to it obsessively
Because it reminds me of you
And me, and what we could be
Would be, if we take that leap

It takes effort to write anymore
About anything other than you
And to be quite honest dear,
I ******* hate it.

I hate not being able to have thoughts
That don't center on you
I feel like I'm losing myself
Abandoning myself to you
You infiltrated my body first
And now my mind
Next is my heart,
If you can get past those walls
And the worst part is?
You don't even know it
You have gotten to me with little effort
You want nothing more than my body
And friendship, companionship
When you're in town

I have a million unfinished poems
That start with a thought of you
But fail to capture you right
Or start on a different topic entirely
And trail off, into you
A million little couplets
With cute, near rhyme
About mundane things you do
Things you're probably not even aware of
I just can't get you out of my mind
No matter how much I try
And you're not even mine

A mothers silent tears drip
As a father tries to remain stoic
A miniature coffin lowered
Into cold, hardened ground
A white teddy bear left
On a slab of grey stone
With a chiseled name
And a few harsh numbers
1996-2001

A young wife weeps
With a child in her arms
Rifles fire in a salute
Into the dismal sky
Flowers are left,
And pictures of his newborn
That he never got to meet
The wife is told
we thank you for your sacrifice

Silence reigns
Over the mass grave
Of mangled remains
Victims of religious hate
Hundreds of children dead
For what their parents believed
Somewhere someone is crying
As the soldiers say
thank god that group is gone today

A young girl screams,
Seeing her mothers pale tone
And the tub of red water
needles littering the floor
A ***** family secrete
Finally comes to a peak
She grabs for the phone
Fumbles over numbers
*911, what's your emergency?

Hello... hello... hello...
Is there anybody in there?
I feel trapped
And unable to nod
To indicate my being
And no, I can't hear you
I'm too
well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again
Too lost
In my mind
To stop my own pain
ill need some information, first
Just the basic facts,
Can you show me where it hurts?
My mind
And heart
Are being torn away from each-other
And becoming separate entities
With different wants
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more,
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
But you may feel a little sick.*
Can't feel worse than now
I'm sick already
And dying inside
Rotting inside my own mind
can you stand up, stand up,
I do believe it's working, good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.
Temporary reliefs
From my cryptic beliefs
On death
And how close I am
Dead enough to be decaying
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Of happiness
And what life could be
A merry me
And cheerful world
In that moment
I saw peace
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
But, I can be content
With temporay relief
*I have become comfortably numb....

You can't tell me life is not a game
When your main objective is to collect coins
And do activities to say we've done them
And compare scores

You can't tell me life is not a game
When I've already put chips in
And have weighed my bets
And am calculating my risks

Life is a game
But it's a difficult one
It's an important game
Because this game is your life.
And it governs how you live.
There are no rules
There are no definite goals
Except to enjoy it
And don't die.

Addiction to you
Seems to be a common ailment
I know I'm not the only one
Who is afflicted with you
And I accept this
It is an occupational risk
To be with you
Knowing you have others
And that we're not quite serious
That you're not committed
Even if I want you to be
And it's not your fault
If you hurt me
Because I know what I'm getting into
And have decided to enjoy the risk

Wandering the catacombs of my mind
With only a bit of red-tinged light
Unlit candle and flint in shaky hands
Dreading what I could see if it was bright

Dreading the monsters and bones I would find
The awful things that would be in sight
The skeletons of all my memories
The things that would paralyze me with fright

This fear is embedded deep in my mind
The fear of re-living life in full light
It's a miserable existence at best
To be afraid of my own inner light

My body is tired, this maze is not kind
There's places I could fall, from a great height
Clumsy feet, eyes drooping from lack of sleep
Nothing's more relaxing than red-tinged light

I can feel them waiting, the spirit-kind
Waiting to see if I deny the light
Or if I accept the pain it would bring
Do I choose to die, or live in fright?

You say you like the feel
Of my nails digging into your skin
Leaving trails of red
And I know I like the feeling
Of your hands holding me
Leaving their blue marks
We cling to eachother tightly
Here, in your bedroom
And have the perfect friendship
Of insult based humor
And yet I'm still afraid to tell you
That I think I'm falling for you
We fit together so easily
But I'm afraid to hold on
Because I already know me
And I know I won't let go
Not until it bleeds
And the red startles me

I feel like the inventor of headphones
Has been vastly under-appreciated
These thin wires
Have saved lives,
Sound directly in my ears
Making my blood want to flow
More then I could ever make it
I swear my heart beats
Solely for the sound of my life savior
Known as music

Lost in my personal hell
The depths of my mind
Deeply ingrained memories
But I can't seem to find
The ones that I want
The ones with smiles
And laughing
And your touch,
Warm hands on my skin
And yes I am ticklish,
Extremely so, and everywhere
Are you?
I'll find out, eventually
Snippets of us run through my mind
But it's mostly of other times
When you wasn't there
And all I felt was fear
And anger and hatred
You're one of the few,
The few I could love
But, you don't want me to fall quite yet
Why not?

Go ahead. Talk about me
Say whatever you want
Tell everyone what you know
I really don't care
And neither do they
And neither does he
It's hard to start rumors,
Hard to spread gossip,
About someone that doesn't give a ****
About what other people say
Oh and by the way,
Next time you should knock

My mind is a prison cell
And I can't find the key
A little quiet cell
With frantic writing on the walls
The ink so thick that
It helps support the crumbling walls
I'm waiting for the implosion
These walls and ceilings
Tumbling down on me
Will it crush me to death,
Or finally set me free?

The world doesn't revolve around you,
And neither will I
I have a chance here
And I'm taking it
Moving into the world
Making my own way
Starting today
As I fill out a form for a small apartment
I think of what I'll be losing
But also, what I'm getting
I think it's a fair trade
And I can't wait

You've broken me
Are you happy now?
Made me want to die
As I sit here and cry
All because of you
Pushing me around like you do
I honestly want to **** you
See your blood flow red
Because of the stuff you said
How ******* dare you
Telling me that it was my fault
That your boyfriend used me
And that you abuse me
How dare you
Say half the things you say
I will hate you till the very day
That I decide I'm done with this life

If you don't question it
How can you believe it?

I play my emotions down to you
And tell you that I'm fine
I tell myself I don't need you
That I'm ok with being friends
But in truth it is quiet clear
The fact I'm writing for you, dear
Is proof that I do care
But I'll never let you know
I'll never let it show
Because I don't want to let you in
No, not quite yet

Little girl. Four years old.
Pretty dresses. Dry those tears
Time for pictures
Mommys little doll.
Pretty little doll
Gets attention now
Soak it up while you can
Looks are all that matter
In the "flashing room"
Sit still while I do your hair
Make up too
Don't you dare move

•••

Little girl. Five years old
Get down from that tree
Good girls don't get *****
No, don't play in the mud
**** you
go to your room

•••

Little girl, nine years old
Here's your cell phone,
Mommy won't be home today
Make sure your sister does her homework
And clean up from dinner
I made up bottles for your brother
Don't stay up too late

•••

Little girl, eleven years old
Too pretty for your own good
I'm your moms friend,
Trust me
It won't hurt,
Stay still
Be a good girl
Take those clothes off for me

•••

Little girl, twelve years old
You hold it like this
Now inhale,
Let the smoke fill your lungs
Hold it for a minute
Exhale
Doesn't that feel good?
Here, have a drink

Oh, so you're engaged now?
To him I suppose.
Weddings in two weeks
I guess I'll be there.
Sure I'll wear a dress.
But it will be black.
We have all told you
To do what best for you
And we meant leave him.
I'll wear this same dress
To your funeral

Bread and circuses
Our world today,
In our sweet, free homeland.
We grow fat on breads
Pastries and sugars
And watch our
Sit coms on tv
Oblivious to the world around us
What's really happening?
Outside these walls of our free country

I am a broken marionette
****** about on strings
No control over what happens to me
Because I'm just a child
Who's supposed to believe
The adults know what's best for me
As they shove diagnoses in my face
And pills down my throat.
After all, I'm just a kid
And you're all grown-ups
You don't have to listen to me when I say
That I don't want these pills.
That they make me feel even more dead inside
You threaten me with things like
Mental asylums and hospitals
The "youth opportunity center"
When you find them in the trash,
Or down the sink drain,
After all, I'm just a child
How could I know what's best for me?

what happened to my little girl?
With piggytails, and sweet dreams?*

Why ever are you asking me?
I'm clearly not her
I'm much older and wiser then she
I lost the innocence needed for piggytails
And I scream at night
repeatedly violated in my dreams
Too many memories in my damaged self
To even imitate the young, innocent me
Damaged by you, and him, and even myself
Razor blades and ropes and that lovely smoke
Burning the sweet innocence out of me
If you find her though, can you give her a message?
Tell her to stay the hell away from me
Innocence now would only turn to guilt

I woke up on a high
Looking forward to the day
As much as a morning-hating person can anyway

I ended on a low
Half dead and thrown away
Wondering if I really want to live another day

Silent tears flow
Hush little child,
Don't make a sound
Don't show this weakness
With sobs,
Don't let others know
Just quietly cry on your lonesome
Stay in your room,
Don't let mother know
You're in this all alone
Because you can't trust others
Can't let the cracks show
Weak child, you need help
You can't carry this on your own
Yet you still stubbornly trudge on
All alone,
Refusing to let your pain show

Tripping over the lines on the floor
Eyes still red
Throat still sore
After effects of chemical help
Room full of sweet smoke
Chase it down with a drink
Do you need something to mix with?
Nah, just hand me the bottle
Coconut flavor
So warming
Can I see the lighter?
The pipe went out again
Just toss it here, thanks
Pass it around, sharing is caring
Wanna go to the park?
Sure, but, wait
How many of us can walk straight...

Does he really think I care?
Or maybe he thinks I'm not aware
Grades slipping third week in
Nerves fraying under my skin
Physical contact feels like pins
Prescribed drugs barely numbing
Not-so-legal ones halfway curing
Mental issues, no equations
No simply solving personal problems
This isn't your little mathematical world
This is my burdens, not yours
Don't try to solve them
I'll work on resolving them
Hopefully dissolving them

Anxiously awaiting
Hands practically shaking
For that simple notification of
"you have a new message"
And Im checking again
Even though I know nothing's there
Still hasn't responded, yet
It was a simple, harmless question
And yet, so very important

5 more hours till I can go home
And count the hours till I can go to bed
Wasting my time on meaningless tasks
To get through with yet another day
And repeat it all tomorrow
Just another weekday that I'm counting away
To get to that all too short break
Two days of healing evry other weekend
To keep me from breaking completely
Building up a thin wall in my mind
To try and keep them all out
And myself all in

I'm done with life for a few
Done with school and pretentious *****
Done with repetitive lessons and insults
Done with mothers rants and
Done with my shrinks newest pills
Done with being broken
Done with trying to be fixed
Drs visits, lack of sleep, dehydration,
Aches and pains, side effects,
Stress sickness, dizzy spells,
This is my life,
And I'm temporarily done with it.

You are now entirely mine
Formally shown through
Bite marks and scratches
And when, or before, they fade
I will kindly issue you more
On that previously flawless skin of yours
Sleek, toned muscles, on a thin frame
Warm hands, moving against me
Or tied down with silk ribbons
Entirely mine to command

You say one thing
And demonstrate another
Most of your actions make no sense
I'm tired of your tyranny
Over my life.

I'm starting a rebellion
Against you, I'm tired of your controlling
****** behavior, yelling
And grounding me for weak reasons
You waking me up at 3 am
To complain and belittle me
Asking me questions that I'm too tired
To even comprehend
And punishing me for
Wrong answers and bad attitudes

You've taken everything from me
Through sleep deprivation and
Lack of free will, lack of privacy
you've taken from me
My sanity my kindness
My little willingness for socialization
My level headed disposition
My thirst for knowledge and reading
My creativity and imagination
You've turned me into...
I think your turning me into you
And starting today, I'm taking myself back

Concrete walls to keep me in check
And make us all conform to your laws
And teach us responsibility
Grinding normality into our skulls
Grinding on my nerves
They never got to heal
Every brush of skin
Makes me feel the walls close in
No music to soothe
To block the noise
Inside or out of my head
180 more days
The expect a 180 degree turn
In my behavior from last year
But all I can do is stare
And dream of the woods

I cower in fetal position
As angry words are thrown
Not at me,
But hurting all the same
I close my eyes
But I can still see
My safe haven
My stable foundation
Is crumbling
Because of things
That may or not have
Even happened
Just suspicions
The slightest little hints
Taken as proof
Of infidelity

I slip on my shoes
Tiptoe around them
I leave, they don't even see
I walk thro the yard and
Grasp the branches of my favorite tree
And climb up until
All I can see is the beautiful landscape
And all I hear is birdsongs  
And then the tears come
Ever so quietly

I'm set to self-destruct
It's a dark compulsion
Deep under my skin
Buried in my soul

A compulsion
tempting fate
Through razors
And fire

And I am wondering
If he'll
Notice

On time
To save me

I have finally accepted
I will never find a person that says
"I love you more" first
And then says
"Oh, thank god. Me either"
When I laugh and say that
I don't play that game.

Will never find that person who
Writes me poems but yet
Is not a hopeless romantic

Who shows me love without
Smothering me in it

Who I can debate with, without
Arguing or hurt feelings

I will never find that person
Who is exactly
Like
You

My heart jumped
When I thought
You had texted

And it stopped
When I realized
It wasn't you

I'll be right out,
Just give me a minute
Because I need to hide the tears
That I certainly wasn't just crying
And attempt to look like
Everything's fine

who needs sleep?
i can stay up all night i guess
not like i actually wanted to sleep
or have a peaceful night
without you running through my head
in a tireless loop of
"i love you"
and
"i dont think i can do this anymore"
i mean, sleep is overated anyway.
id rather stay up all night and
do things completely unrelated
to how you betrayed me
in an failed attemp to forget those words
"i never want to see you hurt"
and
"i will always be yours"
i can sleep tomorrow.
when im so exhausted that
i cant think of you at all.

oh.. I'm so sorry
really. i am
i never meant for it to happen
my voice of reason deserted me

i didn't mean for that little kiss
to get so out of hand
i wanted to snuggle
not end up in your bed

you could get in so much trouble
im sitting here listing the charges
if mother ever found out
we would probably both be dead

you are still the one i love.
it has been forever since i could tell you
i havent seen you, or heard from you
i thought you said still friends?

but you are not here.
even though im still waiting for you
what the hell should i do?
ive tried to just shut off these ideas

but im still sitting here.
lost in thoughts you
that perfect hair i want my fingers through
and those lips, ill never forget

theyve probably found some other girls mouth
i wonder if she loves you like i do
if she loves your hair too
i wonder if she will be able to move on.

or will she be stuck too?

i guess my sub-conscious
had a masochistic moment
because it decided to google your name
I don't know who she was
but I hate her.

why, i beg of you,
do you want to expand the hate?
no, i dont agree with racism
anti-Semitism, sexism, anything related
but argueing with the narrow-minded
doesnt get anyone anywhere.
fighting fire with fire,
isnt going to fix anything.
fire simply can not put out fire.
it only causes it to grow.
no one is willing to change their way of thinking
no one is willing to bend.
and it doesnt even matter whose right,
your both trampling eachothers rights
lets all just sit down for a few,
calm down, chill out
you dont have to agree
to live together in harmony