Mommys a glorified ******
With her 50 some year old married boyfriend
Favorite aunt is a stripper
Used to walk in on her shows
Daddy's a drug pusher
Gave me my fist high at 12
Granny's a kleptomaniac
Must be where I get it from
And it don't stop there
The show goes on
Drug addicts galore
To add plenty of drama
Then there's the snitch branch
Well to do Christians
My biological grandfather
Who says 14 is too old for his tastes
Plenty of violence
To keep things perked up
And everyone on their toes
Welcome, my friends, to the freak show.

I'm tired of your *******.
I do not abuse you,
And even tho you don't seem to remember it
I have the bruises to prove that you hit me
I'm tired of you threatening me
By doing stupid **** like calling the cops on me
And driving me to the "youth opportunity center"
If your going to get rid of me then do it.
Because they won't take me
They don't have the room,
They will send me to live with a family member
Like granny or aunt Chris
And I'm ok with that.
So shut the **** up and leave me alone
Put whatever your about to throw at me down
If your that intent on throwing me out
Give me some time to pack
And I will be gone
I'm not looking back.

Isolation
No school
No internet
No friends and limited family
No contact with the outside world.

No one for me to tell.
No one to help me
No one to see
The bruises on me

And knowing this
Mother is not as hesitant
To leave new patterns
Of black and blue
And shades of green.

Where do dreams come from?
Our mind, our environment
Products of wishful thinking
Mourning what we may never have
Ever-wishing for our desires
In the women's heart
The young mans mind
Ever-changing, ever-reaching
New dreams coming
Old ones leaving
Where do the dreams go?

I can't help but imagine
Tracing those perfect lips
With my fingertips
Softly down your sides to your hips
My arms around your waist
I wonder how you taste
my minds in this odd place
Between wanting to make you my own
And knowing I should slow down

Growing up?
What is that?
It sounds positively dreadful.
Putting on the mask of a grown up.

No thank you.
To grow up is to grow old, So I think I'll pass.
I'll stay young forever,
at least in my private time...

Forget this staying inside all day
Afraid of the rain because you might catch a cold
Won't get up in a tree cuz you might fall.
You can stay in your safe little grown up world. But me?

I'm gonna go play in some puddles.
I'm going too see who can climb the highest.
Sure I'll mature a little as time goes on. I'll become responsible
But I will never, ever grow up to where I can't enjoy the rain.

The soft pitter patter of raindrops
Falling on the pavement
Interrupted by our shouts,
As we play In the puddles.

Splashing each other
Playing keep away
with Christians lighter
Interrupting the peace

Clothes soaked through. Dripping with muddy water
Didn't know I was going to play in the rain today
White tshirt. Red bra. Oops.
These skinnys are going to be hell to get off. Oh well...

Mother won't be happy. I'll probably get in trouble.
But it's worth it. I won't let her ruin it.
I'm going to have some fun today,
Come hell or high water.

well. it is now tomorrow.
I guess I should get up and
go do nothing somewhere else
besides my warm comfortable bed

"What's that from?"
Oh, I um, fell...

"You fell?"
Ya, you know me
Such a clutz

"And you happened to fall,
On something hand shaped?"
Ya. What a coincidence right?

I just want to sleep
One full night of rest
Maybe just one more pill...
Maybe just a couple more...

But the nightmares still come
And they still wake me up
Maybe just a few more...
Maybe then I'll be able to rest

I wake up in the morning
Still tired as could be
So I'll have some caffeine
That will keep me awake

And then throughout the day
I drink more and more
Still groggy still tired
But conscious at least...

I take stuff to help me sleep
And then some more to keep me up
And some throughout the day to help me eat
Not to mention the ones actually prescribed

For depression
Multiple personality disorder
Attention deficit disorder
They all have more pills I'm supposed to take

And I can't help but remember
I used to just self medicate
And my grades were good I was a healthy active kid
And I didn't take hardly anything at all

But now there's all this stuff
My doctors like to give
They don't listen when I say
This stuff is killing me

My life will probably be a lot easier,
When everyone realizes
That there is nothing they can do
To make me want to change,
That I haven't already tried.

When someone asks me, "how are you?"
I think, I'm broken
But still alive,
Even if I don't want to be.
And my heart is gone
Locked away in a steel case
And my mind is far away
Kept complacent by the drug haze
And my body hurts
From the bruises she leaves
And the cuts I inflict
I think all this,
But I just smile and say,
"I'm fine, and how are you?"

"Good morning"
Is typically my first lie of the day

Then after that comes "I love you too, mom"
"I'm fine" is a fairly common one
Normally somewhere I say
"I'm not hungry" or
"It's just a scratch"

"I don't need people I'm fine on my own"

Sometimes saying "how are you?"
Is a lie because I don't really care
Unless your a friend in which case I do.

"I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
A lie I say every school day.
  
And I tend to end my day with
"Good night, sleep well"

Do you love me?
I know you love my body
And I know you love what I can do to you
But do you love me?

God I used to love you so much
You have no clue baby doll
But now? I don't even know
You just have me confused

We've been together forever
I don't even remember since when
But baby I remember you had me from go
You were my everything you know

But I think we're fading out
And I hate it I wish it wasn't happening
But that doesn't stop it.
It doesn't heal us

Don't get me wrong
I'll keep holding on
Just like I always have
Until you let go

Baby that'll **** me inside
But you already know that
Baby doll you have my heart
In your hands please baby

Before you let go, please
Put it back where it belongs

I can't believe your threatening me
Go ahead you old ******* hit me
I ******* dare you.
I've been looking for a reason
to never come back please
Please give me one
I will be so **** happy.

I feel like I'm standing on deaths door
And His icy hands are griping
Me around my ribs I can't breathe
I'm waiting for Him to claim me
Or anyone here we're all subject to His will

Death is finicky
He claims randomly
And I'm in His terrain
A place where He claims
And counts the newborns
His eventual victims

He is here I can feel Him
As my knees go weak
And my vision fades
I grit my teeth
and try to stay in the game
Because I'm not His, not today.

I think I have
Officially lost my mind
But I'm not quite sure, yet.
I spent quite a bit of time
Discussing with myself
And it is inconclusive
Sophia says I have
But Isabella says I have not
And I'm listening to them debate
Me and the others cannot wait
To get a definitive answerr
Ethan occasionally chimes in
He can't stand to be left out
Riley and Richard lurk in a corner
With some popcorn
And Annabelle is off in her own little world
She doesn't much care either way.
She's watching the unicorns and the fey
That are produced by the drug haze

I want to be a pixie
Not a fairy,
Pixies are sensual
Beautiful tricksters
They flit around
From tree to tree
Tempt and taunt
And tease
And have no queen

Fairies on the other hand
Are innocent
And cute
They flit around
And do good
And listen to their queen
How adorable,
But not for me
I want to be a pixie.

People in my family, that don't know me real well
Tend to tell me I had a good childhood
And it's all because they don't know

They see the facts like
She went to Disney Land,
And California
And Mexico
Not to mention,
How her grandparents spoiled her

But I remember very little of my time like that
don't get me wrong, I'm not ungrateful
To my aunt and grandparents
It's just that I don't remember most of it

What I do remember of my childhood is
Getting my hair brushed by mom
And anytime I moved or said ow
she'd hit me with the brush

Or when I didn't hear her,
Before we knew I was half deaf,
she'd get so mad
And she'd punish me for ignoring her

That time I was helping her clean the yard
And the next thing I knew
she had me down on the ground
kicking me, for somthing
I don't even remember what for

I remember my 5th birthday,
Evryone brought me presents
And as I opened them,
she took them from me
And put them in the corner
Because I didn't deserve them

I remember walking in on your husband
Choking you
Your face was blue
And I turned around and walked back out
I had just turned four
And it wasn't even a cause for concern

I remember her parties
Late at night,
They were so loud I couldn't sleep
And I wasn't allowed to leave my room for anything
I'd be in there for hours,
No food or drink
I was afraid to come out and see
After that first time
And I saw you in that outfit
On that pole and
Those plates of white powder
The straws and needles
And all the smoke
And the bowl of colorful pills
I didn't know what it was for
But it scared me
And I never came out again

And I remember babysitting
I was only eight
I could barely talk
And couldn't really hear
But I took care of myself
And my sister and brother

I remember that boyfriend you had
When I was eleven
I remember his wandering hands
And how warm and sticky they were
And how much he liked to "help" me
When you were gone
And the razor blades that made me forget
And the new scars to cover the ones made by his chains

And I remember each and every bruise you've left
And all the mean words you've said
I remember all of it,
And you know what?
I wish I remembered Disney Land

I've had some trouble composing my thoughts of late
I'm finding it hard to find words to relate
To how I'm feeling deep inside
My hectic jumbled heart and mind

I've never had this problem before
I've never had issues telling about the inner gore
Of my chaotic inner world
Or finding words to rhyme

I think I'm letting him distract me
Way too much I'm letting him in
And I know how pointless pursuing him is
He'll never accept that kind of love from me

His broken little-sister type girl
He's never showed me anything
besides Innocent love and sympathy
I don't know why my mind insists on thinking of him so

He's old enough to be my dad...
I really must stop this, I'm losing my thoughts
****** mind, shut the hell up
I shouldn't love him, let's keep it at that

Here is my theological thoughts, questions, of the day,
For those dedicated Catholic, Christian friends of mine
Why does the bible condone slavery,
Allows so called holy wars,
But not freedom of sexuality?

What logical thought process is that?
You can ****, enslave hundreds,
for disagreeing with you, or having different skin,
But you can't love someone,
That's the same gender as you?

I want to know, please chime in
At what point did free love,
Become worse then ******, my friends?
This is a small selection of the questions
That kept me from my sleeping tonight.

Authority figures will be the end of me.
They seem to think they can control me.
I can't even control myself,
Why do they think they can do it for me?

I wonder if they realize that it's their constant pressure
That's making me uncontrollable.
The stress of it makes me not able to function,
And it makes me crack into pieces,

These pieces fall uncontrollably
While I'm trying to pick them up
I frantically grab for them,
Moving too quickly, making more fall

And I have them always pushing me,
Never ending they poke and ****
And try to make me move quicker,
Not caring if they fall.

I carefully try to balance the pieces of me,
As I try to accomplish what they want done,
I scurry around trying to find what they want found
As pieces slip through my fingers,
I can't stop to pick them up

And realizing my endless task,
The impossibility of ever collecting them all
Or getting all these meaningless tasks done,
I give up. I sit down, and clutch what I've still got,
And try to stay as still as possible,  
In hopes that if I stay still enough, no more will fall.

My nails dig into my skin
As you tell me about how done you are
You say you're done doing everything for us,
Of going above and beyond.

I press harder into my skin,
As you tell me your don being nice
And that you no longer care.

I can feel my skin tear,
As I blinks away tears
That you never even see,
I block your voice from my ears.

A you drone on,
With your hateful words,
I simply stand and stare,
Into the distance, somewhere, not here.

I dimly hear muffled phrases
i hate having children...
Disrespectful little brats...
Stupid things can't do anything right...

As I feel my blood begin to flow,
I turn around and walk away,
Not even saying a word, not turning to see what you threw at me
I quietly shut your door, and walk away.

I stumble to my room,
Tears blurring my view
I lock myself in here,
Safely tucked away.

Evryone seems to think that just because I'm breathing
And my hearts still beating
Means I'm still alive

I don't think they could be anymore wrong.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really human.
People talk about me, mistreat me, cause trouble with me.
And I don't react.
I don't show anger or hurt, annoyance or frustration.
I don't start a fight nor will I finish one,
I merely pick up a pen and write about it
I don't resist. but I don't follow. I drift.
I get into my routines and they become my life.
Then they become me.
Then they become someone else,
and I watch that person go through these routines
as if they didn't affect me,
when in reality I am that person I am watching.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am me.

ick. its almost that day again.
the day I have to put a fake smile on my face
and say to you cheerfully
"mommy, I love you"

we both know I'm lying
I don't see why we pretend
It wont be a good day no matter what
you called today just to *****

plus, its my sisters birthday
what a mess
I have to deal with little kids
and her preppy bubbly behavior

I think im just gonna sleep tomorrow.
just sleep all day.
ill get in trouble for it, I know.
im supposed to be home early

but I don't care anyway.

i wish I could show you
the pictures I took today
on my first hike of spring

they are pretty spring flowers
so fragrant in bloom
lilacs and wildflowers

they tell me, in sweet whispers,
"spring is really, truly, here"
and I feel my winter blues, disappear

I cant say that this heals me
or fills me with joy
but it gives a small tint, of hope

as I watch the birds flitter
from branch to branch
I let my imagination soar.

I climb up to the tippy top of a tree.
and wait. after all is still,
nature resumes.

and I watch. and it gives me
hope.
and faith.

that life will go on.
even when I don't really want it too.

i think I love him
oh god, not again
why? hes nice and so swee..
because, you idiot, hes to far out of bounds
no hes not, im sure hed be willing
he shouldn't be, don't you understand anything!?
but im sure he...
no, if you loved him, youd not touch him
but hes just so lov..
don't even say the word, I cant believe you sometimes
cant you settle for that one stolen half kiss?
why should I? I don't see why we cant have
what we need
you don't need him, its lust, just like before
don't you see, hes broken just like we..
that doesn't mean he can fix us!
but two halves make a whole
cant you see? hed be good for us
he cares already, I know he..
don't be pretentious,
how long have know him?
well, times not really important,
our feelings...
*if ive told you once
ive told you a million times
your job is to pump blood
and that is
it!!

I hold the blade close to my skin
My demons whisper in my ear why not
My angle loudly protests,
you can't she says
you have people that love you
You can't disappoint them
My demons whisper, its your choice
you shouldn't. It's not right.
To harm yourself, remember, harm none?
The demons whisper back, but self harm,
Harms no other. You only hurt yourself
it hurts the ones you love
where are the ones you love
When you need them?
They are not here.
You only have the blade
I finally break, I sink the blade deep
I am filled with remorse
Instant regret
But I knew it would happen, eventually
For you see, my demons,
Are numerous enough,
That all of them whispering,
Is still louder, then my single angel screaming.
And their temptation
Is sweet enough, to make me forget,
That the angel knows best.

My alarm clock screams at me to get up
I hit snooze
My first choice of the day I choose
To procrastinate

I don't want to get up
I've barely slept
A mere three hours of rest
I'm tired

I don't want to go to school.
That place is hell
I'm teased relentlessly
For things I can't control

I don't want to leave early
To go see the shrink,
And get more unwanted meds prescribed  
And those annoying lectures, about how my choices affect me

But at the end of the day,
There's a silver lining.
At least it's Friday,
And I don't have to go home.

I don't believe in your god.
I know, you think I'll burn in hell.
I believe in my gods though.
That has to count for something

I follow the old traditions.
Many gods, they personify
The natural occurrences
the ancients couldn't explain.

I know you think I'll burn in hell
And I know you think I should be scared.
And I know you want to "save me"
By converting me to your god.

But my ancestors roll in their grave
At the thoughts of me abandoning
The traditions I've learnt from my family
They're your family too, don't you remember?

It's your sister that taught me,
About the myths of our people
About the time when we thrived
And celebrated our life

Instead of constricting it,
to the words of a book.
Instead of giving it so many rules
Instead of having threats and promises of a hell or heaven

But to each their own.
You live how you want
Just let me live,
how i want, too.

I hate you more
With every breathe you take
Every word you say
Every bruise you leave

I try so hard
To avoid hurt
I don't talk to many people at school
I don't stray far from my own little world

Just to come home, every day
To you screaming in my face
Your words linger in my ears
"I wish I didn't have you" ringing the most clear

I'm worthless, and lazy, you say
I'm selfish, because your sick
And I don't do enough to help you
By cooking the meals, and cleaning the house

Your injured, you say you fell,
So I need to step up,
And do more, to keep the stress off you
And help you heal

But you don't sound sick
When you yell at me
And you don't look injured,
When you hurt me

See? Your standing now
Yelling as you come near
Screaming right in my ear
The same old, tired words.

And as you push me,
And I fall
Only one thought rings clear
"You don't look sick, anymore, mommy dear"

I'm going to forget about the things I have to do
And I'm gonna sit here and think, about you.
How you held me and how we loved
All the words that passed our lips.
And that time you traced the scars on my arms
You made me promise, never again.

I'm not going to think about how you left, or why
You were my everything, my love, my sky
And no matter how hard I try, the many people I find
All the ones I rotate through my life,
All the meaningless love I find
All the people, they act like ants, carrying away bits of me

I can't forget you. I try. I fake love, and I lie
Trying to fill the hole you made, trying to get by
I still haven't broke my promise, not yet,
Tho I almost have, many a times.
I've not left many scars, just faint lines
They don't bleed. Well, not most of the time.

But you broke your promises, you know.
You said forever, you promised so.
Why should I listen to you anymore?
Why should I let you hurt me more?
Why should I keep my promises to you?
I shouldn't. And wish I wouldn't.

But I do, forever more

The thoughts I have consume me
I lose my feeling slowly
My spirit feels lost
In the shallow depths of my mind
I dwell in the dark, searching
For that last spark
The one that may save me,
From the chaos inside