Terror clings to my aching bones
Fear and cold seeping into soft tissue
My throat hurts from screaming
My hands are still shaking
As I reach up to turn the lights on
Relax, was all just a dream...
How I wish that were true
It's a nightmare.  A nightmare of a memory
I can still see the scars on my wrists
Faint white lines from the handcuffs
The cold metal digging into my skin
Becoming slick with my blood
His warm hands a contrast
But just as nightmarish
As they hold down my small body
So frail at that age

You see her eyes drooping
Fluttering shut, struggling open
Lack of attention to your class
You ask if she wants kicked out
Her spoken answer was simply
i really don't give a ****
But inside her mind she's thinking
I didn't get to bed till 2 last night
I'm withdrawing from my meds
Because I'm short this month
Due to mother helping herself
I woke up screaming an hour and a half ago
From nightmares you can't even imagine
Nightmares that are memories,
My worst moments relived,
So send me where you wish
I simply can't find a **** to give
I'm not even sure I want to live
I'm tired of the hole I've dug
Falling into it again and again
I've lost the energy needed to climb
Up even the gentlest incline

I guess it's genetics
That makes me love the feel smoke
The burn of alcohol down my throat
It's a family business after all
Papa grows and daddy sells
How easy it is to ask for some
They'll share it with me lovingly
Whatever it is that I may need
Easy access to my vice
They never even think twice
Just hand it over with a smile
Tell me to be back home in awhile
Or, text them to let them know
Where I'm staying at that night
They don't ever tell me no,
They never say you can't stay there
And if perhaps my mother calls?
I'm in the bath or out for a walk
I might even be asleep
Safely tucked into my bed.

You can lie to yourself all you want
You can lie me too, but
It doesn't change the truth
And mommy dear, I know it,
I know what you do,
I know you don't have any control
No you don't, not anymore

You can lie to yourself all you want
But it doesn't change a thing
And mother dearest?
It does affect me
When your so high that
You can't keep your eyes open
And your wits about you
Long enough for me to ask a question

You can lie to yourself all you want
In the end it's all the same
You lost control,
You've lost the battle
With your false savior
You've left me here
Playing mommy dear with my siblings
While your off with a man named john

You can lie to yourself all you want
It's your choice to make,
Just realize, it does affect me
It does affect our struggling relationship
And the more you deny it
The more you ignore it
The worse it's going to get

You can lie to yourself all you want
But someday you'll realize it has never helped
You're going to have to face the truth
And the longer you put it off,
The longer you keep falling
The harder you're going to hit
When you get to rock bottom.

Music.
Music is poetry
Made to be listened to
Sounds in a lovely pattern
Flowing together to calm my nerves
A soothing rush of happiness
Or calmness,
Any emotion, I can pick a song
I can feel that emotion while it's on
And dearest, it's the best feeling in the world
To be lost in sweet melody
How I crave that hasty retreat
A moment away from harsh reality
Some time spent away from it all
Out of my mind, but in a good way
But in this matter I have no say
I have no music for the day
My ears won't have that coveted sound
Dearest, how I wish we could run away

I wish I had a family.
But instead I have relatives
Blood relatives
That I want to stay relatively far away from
Our clashing results in crashing
Yelling screaming madness
Angry words and bitter thoughts
Hatred boils beneath our
Loving, warm smiles
You can barely feel it sometimes
The tension in the room
And other times that tension
Is thicker than the air
None of us really care
None of us really want to be here
Trapped in this house together
We pretend we're not there
We pretend were anywhere
But where we are at the moment

I've always loved color symbology
The silver of the sharpest blade
Is fluid, emotional, sensitive, mysterious.
Is soothing, calming, purifying. Silver
helps with the cleansing and releasing,
mental, emotional issues and blockages
My pink tinged, pale skin
Is a sign of hope. It is positive, warm
comforting feelings, everything will be okay.
Suddenly violated by a shock of red, which
can give confidence to those
who are shy or lacking in will power.
the color red symbolizes and awakens
our elusive, physical life force.
And after all is said and done
All is wrapped in white clothe bandages
purity, innocence, wholeness and completion.
white is the color of new beginnings,
wiping the slate clean,
It is the blank canvas waiting to be written upon.