I've had some trouble composing my thoughts of late
I'm finding it hard to find words to relate
To how I'm feeling deep inside
My hectic jumbled heart and mind

I've never had this problem before
I've never had issues telling about the inner gore
Of my chaotic inner world
Or finding words to rhyme

I think I'm letting him distract me
Way too much I'm letting him in
And I know how pointless pursuing him is
He'll never accept that kind of love from me

His broken little-sister type girl
He's never showed me anything
besides Innocent love and sympathy
I don't know why my mind insists on thinking of him so

He's old enough to be my dad...
I really must stop this, I'm losing my thoughts
****** mind, shut the hell up
I shouldn't love him, let's keep it at that

Here is my theological thoughts, questions, of the day,
For those dedicated Catholic, Christian friends of mine
Why does the bible condone slavery,
Allows so called holy wars,
But not freedom of sexuality?

What logical thought process is that?
You can ****, enslave hundreds,
for disagreeing with you, or having different skin,
But you can't love someone,
That's the same gender as you?

I want to know, please chime in
At what point did free love,
Become worse then ******, my friends?
This is a small selection of the questions
That kept me from my sleeping tonight.

Authority figures will be the end of me.
They seem to think they can control me.
I can't even control myself,
Why do they think they can do it for me?

I wonder if they realize that it's their constant pressure
That's making me uncontrollable.
The stress of it makes me not able to function,
And it makes me crack into pieces,

These pieces fall uncontrollably
While I'm trying to pick them up
I frantically grab for them,
Moving too quickly, making more fall

And I have them always pushing me,
Never ending they poke and ****
And try to make me move quicker,
Not caring if they fall.

I carefully try to balance the pieces of me,
As I try to accomplish what they want done,
I scurry around trying to find what they want found
As pieces slip through my fingers,
I can't stop to pick them up

And realizing my endless task,
The impossibility of ever collecting them all
Or getting all these meaningless tasks done,
I give up. I sit down, and clutch what I've still got,
And try to stay as still as possible,  
In hopes that if I stay still enough, no more will fall.

My nails dig into my skin
As you tell me about how done you are
You say you're done doing everything for us,
Of going above and beyond.

I press harder into my skin,
As you tell me your don being nice
And that you no longer care.

I can feel my skin tear,
As I blinks away tears
That you never even see,
I block your voice from my ears.

A you drone on,
With your hateful words,
I simply stand and stare,
Into the distance, somewhere, not here.

I dimly hear muffled phrases
i hate having children...
Disrespectful little brats...
Stupid things can't do anything right...

As I feel my blood begin to flow,
I turn around and walk away,
Not even saying a word, not turning to see what you threw at me
I quietly shut your door, and walk away.

I stumble to my room,
Tears blurring my view
I lock myself in here,
Safely tucked away.

Evryone seems to think that just because I'm breathing
And my hearts still beating
Means I'm still alive

I don't think they could be anymore wrong.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm really human.
People talk about me, mistreat me, cause trouble with me.
And I don't react.
I don't show anger or hurt, annoyance or frustration.
I don't start a fight nor will I finish one,
I merely pick up a pen and write about it
I don't resist. but I don't follow. I drift.
I get into my routines and they become my life.
Then they become me.
Then they become someone else,
and I watch that person go through these routines
as if they didn't affect me,
when in reality I am that person I am watching.
Sometimes, I wonder if I am me.

ick. its almost that day again.
the day I have to put a fake smile on my face
and say to you cheerfully
"mommy, I love you"

we both know I'm lying
I don't see why we pretend
It wont be a good day no matter what
you called today just to *****

plus, its my sisters birthday
what a mess
I have to deal with little kids
and her preppy bubbly behavior

I think im just gonna sleep tomorrow.
just sleep all day.
ill get in trouble for it, I know.
im supposed to be home early

but I don't care anyway.