tied around my neck are all
of the places i’ve never been
tired around my ankles
are all the places i’ve wanted to go
and tied around my fingers
are loose ends of your hair.
every time i grab my neck
i think of my mothers love
and my father’s presence
every time i grab my ankles
i think of your kind nature
and your hands on mine
every time i lift my hands
i’m reminded that i cannot
hold anything, because your hair
has bound my fingers together
in a way that ensures i cannot
self medicate like i wish to.

there are figures that follow me
and humans that haunt me
and sometimes i am 6 years old again,
hiding under the staircase
as my mother gets home from the bar.
sometimes i am hiding under the sheets
hoping he cannot hear me, and will
leave my room, and shut the door.
i found out at this age, that i am
not one that will be loved fiercely
and i am not one that will be fought for.
i am one who is silenced, scared, and
longing to please anyone in my life.
my fear of abandonment is so big,
it’s already swallowed me whole.
i’ve learned to live in it, to love in it,
to build a home in it.
i will let you beat me before i watch you leave,
i will let you take every part of me,
i will watch you dig my grave,
but i promise.
one day when abandonment spits me out,
i will burn this whole town, with everyone in it
and i will watch you suffer as you have watched me.
i will light this world ablaze,
but only when i am spit out whole.

baby,
please please please;
stay right here
tangled in these sheets
cover me in love bruises and
kiss me in the morning
just put your nose
against mine and tell me
i’m
yours.