tied around my neck are all
of the places i’ve never been
tired around my ankles
are all the places i’ve wanted to go
and tied around my fingers
are loose ends of your hair.
every time i grab my neck
i think of my mothers love
and my father’s presence
every time i grab my ankles
i think of your kind nature
and your hands on mine
every time i lift my hands
i’m reminded that i cannot
hold anything, because your hair
has bound my fingers together
in a way that ensures i cannot
self medicate like i wish to.

there are figures that follow me
and humans that haunt me
and sometimes i am 6 years old again,
hiding under the staircase
as my mother gets home from the bar.
sometimes i am hiding under the sheets
hoping he cannot hear me, and will
leave my room, and shut the door.
i found out at this age, that i am
not one that will be loved fiercely
and i am not one that will be fought for.
i am one who is silenced, scared, and
longing to please anyone in my life.
my fear of abandonment is so big,
it’s already swallowed me whole.
i’ve learned to live in it, to love in it,
to build a home in it.
i will let you beat me before i watch you leave,
i will let you take every part of me,
i will watch you dig my grave,
but i promise.
one day when abandonment spits me out,
i will burn this whole town, with everyone in it
and i will watch you suffer as you have watched me.
i will light this world ablaze,
but only when i am spit out whole.

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

baby,
please please please;
stay right here
tangled in these sheets
cover me in love bruises and
kiss me in the morning
just put your nose
against mine and tell me
i’m
yours.